Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 28: Hammer, Shield, or ... Slug

I woke up. Guess I'll take that win.

Bear Ridge needed a new name. Corruption Crater? [Your Mom's] Mistake?

Everything was whiter than it should be. It was still bright out. The sun and clouds resolutely insisted on a lovely day.

Oversized snowflakes drifted in the air. No, not snow. Ash. I held out my hand and caught a flake. Delicate and warm, I wondered what part of the ridge it'd been.

Everything was eerily quiet.

A large paw landed on my shoulder. I froze, ready to fight. My fingers wrapped around a rock as I turned.

The beast was... Leo?

The rock fell, as my foe turned out to be Leo in his shredded pink sweater. Blood dribbled slowly from a cut on his forehead. Frayed gashes cut through the weaves of his singed sweater. After almost dying to a pink corrupted guardian, I’d decided the color was indisputably badass.

He shook me urgently, his eyes worried. Oh, his mouth was moving.

It wasn't quiet. My ears were broken. I rubbed at one absently.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" I said, or shouted. I'm not sure how loud it came up, but my friend stopped and nodded.

He gestured back to a huddled Ched and a white faced Meredeath. He pointed to his eyes, then at the clearing, making a scissors snipping sign that we'd used for Tandy since the great fabric scissor heist. I nodded my understanding and shakily stood up.

"Tandy!" I yelled. "Richard? Where's Tandy?!" By the Everbear, where was Richard?

Shut up you dolt. You don't need to yell, I'm right here.

Richard licked my neck to emphasize his point.

"Damn-it Richard, don't be a dick. We need to find Tandy." And I needed my hearing back. As my wits returned, a niggling worry took form. Tandy was alive, right?

The ridge had been blown to hell, but most of the blast went away from our party. The alpine lake was draining rather rapidly into the new crater. The waterfall created was majestic, if raw in its beauty.

Richard bit my ear, tugging me to the left. I looked up the slope to find Leo waving. His mouth was working hard to say, I FOUND HER!

Relieved, I scrambled up the ashen landscape, "You don't have to bite me, you know. You could just tell me Leo had found her."

What would be the fun in that?

I didn't bother responding. I just scrambled back to the top of the crater to find Leo's arm wrapped around Tandy. She looked as good as I felt. Like we'd just survived the angry death of a lightning-obsessed demi-god.

A dull pop sounded, and I could hear again. A tinny ringing muted everything. I rubbed at my ear, wishing it'd heal faster.

"HEY," whoops, I really had been talking too loud. Lowering my voice, I continued, "Hey guys, looks like we made it."

Great words, Captain Obvious.

Tandy cradled something in her hands. I squinted, my mind slow to comprehend the silver globe floating in her palms. It flickered like a heartbeat, taking the shape of scissors, a dagger, and a butter knife. What was it? A tear of grief dripped off her cheek, landing right on the shimmering butter knife. Flicker.

Scissors again. Realization dawned as her face transformed into awe. This was the remnant of her most prized possession. Her fabric scissors.

"What is that?" I asked, “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

It defied my understanding of the world.

Meredeath had joined us, handing me the handle of my hammer. "You should check your notifications, Cole." Shrugging, I brought up the long-ignored notification list.

[Congratulations! You have completed the Quest: [Trial Dungeon]. You have earned the Base Class [Adventurer] that replaces your [Mundane] designation. Please confirm your removal of all classes and skills associated with your Base Class of [Mundane]. Acceptance will remove [Chef], [Smith], and [Meditation] and all related skills.]

[Do you agree to take the earned Base Class of [Adventurer]?]

The message sat, waiting for my acceptance or rejection. A void opened in my chest. How did we not know we'd have to give up our mundane classes? Our skills? My eyes flickered to Tandy. Had she given up all of her two hundred skills?

[Do you agree to take the earned Base Class of [Adventurer]?]

Was I ready to leave my old life behind? My old friends: [Analyze], [Steady Temperature], and [Monotonous Calm]?

I'd managed to hang onto [Hammer Time] as a young chef by tenderizing meat on a metal counter. The other staff had looked at me like I was crazy, but I'd tried to keep every hard-won skill. They might not have been the best, but they'd been mine.

On a drunken whim, was I really going to leave everything behind? I could reject the offer. Go back to Woodsten. I refocused on my friends. Were they going to be offered the same choice? What were they going to pick? Had they already?

Neither one of them gave me a hint. Leo poked at the liquid edge of Tandy's scissors, pulling his finger back in pain as it neatly cut into his flesh. Leo sucked on his sliced finger, as Tandy looked at him like he was an idiot.

I could feel Richard's tentacles boring a hole in the side of my brain. I knew what he wanted me to do, but I also appreciated that he hadn't said anything. This was my choice. The only person whom I could blame for whatever came next was me.

"I accept," I whispered.

An immediate rush of energy cycled through my body. I stood a little straighter, and the ringing in my ears stopped. It was as if my body had reknit itself to the boundless energy levels I had as a child.

"Woah," I felt like I could climb a mountain, take on another dunglord, or spank a giant glowing bear.

"Well, are you all ready to go back home? I can't wait to get back to chopping wood." Leo's voice rumbled.

What?! Had they not chosen [Adventurer]? Was I now stuck fighting monsters alone?

My head snapped up to find my three friends stifling laughter, eyes shining. I realized I'd been played.

"I told you he hadn't looked at his notifications," Meredeath said, shaking her head.

"Man, how'd you even survive that fight as a mundane? And you call me the dumb one."

"Your face, Cole." Whether it was the joke or relief we'd survived, Tandy gave a rare uncontrolled giggle ending in a snort. It felt good.

"You all suck," I said it with a smile, blinking with watery eyes. A piece of ash must have gotten into them, yeah, that was it.

Keep reading. Richard gave me a gentle nudge.

The system's notification blinked, still demanding my attention. Now that we were out of combat, it was incessant.

[Congratulations, [Adventurer]! Your performance during the trial periods has been evaluated. You defeated one bogquacker, a raiding party, a widowmaker, two root canals, multiple ribbons of hunger, and a Dunglord boss.]

It left out the corrupted guardian. Irritated, I continued reading.

[Choices matter. Your defeat methodology includes: punting, trapping, setting on fire, kicking, pounding (multiple), and faking death. Additionally, [Companion] actions have weight, which includes using you as a shield (multiple), heat resistance, self-immolation, self-sacrifice, decorative fangs (multiple), and running away (multiple).

With these actions, you are being given three choices for an initial [Adventurer] class. Choose wisely, just like [Mundane] classes, [Adventurer] classes influence the types of skills and specializations an [Adventurer] can earn. Choose one of the following:

[Hammer Vanguard] - When diplomacy fails, the brutal strike of a hammer succeeds. This class channels kinetic power into overwhelming, blunt strikes. Each hit builds resonance and, at higher mastery, enables devastating shockwaves and armor-negating impacts. This class can be specialized down multiple paths, most frequently as a [Berserker].

Initially unlocks:

[Echo of Impact]: Passive skill that increases the area of effect of hammer strikes at the cost of some stamina regeneration.

[Boom]: Strike that initially has a [30%] chance to ignore armor and a [15%] chance to critical hit for 3x damage. Costs stamina and has a 5-minute cooldown.

[Brickhouse]: Defensive skill initially lasting [2] minutes that negates [25%] of damage.]]

The class sounded more suited to Leo than me. I did like to smash. I evaluated my next option:

[[Meatshield Martyr] - Protect your friends at any cost. This class uses a wide range of defensive techniques to minimize damage to a party at the expense of its wielder. This class routinely can intercept blows, absorb magical damage, and loudly motivate teammates to get out of their way. This class can specialize in multiple paths. The most frequently chosen are [Bulwark] and [Lastwall].

Initially unlocks:

[You Looking At Me?]: Passive skill that draws foes’ attention during combat. Generally leads to focused attacks on you, protecting your party. The higher the skill opponents are using, the more likely it is that it will be directed at you. Costs some mana regeneration.

[Not On My Watch]: This skill allows you to leap in front of a fatal attack meant for a party member within a [6]-foot radius. Grants a [20%] base chance of blocking that stacks with any other weapon, combat, or defensive abilities.

[Rock]: Passive skill that increases resistance to all damage types. Eventual specializations can lead to the complete negation of specific damage types.

[Me First]: This skill grants additional defensive bonuses. These bonuses decrease the more your party drops in health. This skill costs initial stamina and further stamina regeneration as long as it is active. This skill has a [1 day] cooldown.]

Wow. The name of the class was ugly, but the skills were powerful. I looked at my friends laughing. I would do anything to prevent them from dying. I could be an impenetrable force, blocking and absorbing blows. Before I picked it, I wanted to see what my last option was.

[[Dead Wrong] - Through trickery, you can thrive like a cockroach hiding in dark corners. This class slips through the cracks, utilizing a variety of off-market skills to avoid and deal damage. The class deals damage by exploiting misdirection, opportunity, and quick reads. Class specialization can take multiple paths; however, there are not enough [Adventurers] who have chosen [Dead Wrong] to identify a common path. Available specializations are [Improvised], [Loophole], and...]

Richard bit me. I swatted at him, "What do you want?"

His voice echoed in my head innocently.

Nothing, just checking if you’re done yet.

"This isn't a choice to rush." Irritated, I returned to reading. I was pretty sure this class was a joke.

[... [Decorative Fangs].]

Now I knew it was a joke. What the hell?

[Initially unlocks:

[Cheat Death]: Passive that automatically triggers you to cheat fatal damage once per day. The methods of cheating death vary. Use at your own risk.

[Alive, For Once]: Stacking effect that gives +5% to all attributes for [1] day when you survive combat without leveraging a skill, avoiding, feigning, or temporizing death.

[Analyze]: This skill provides detailed information about an entity or object. The information provided varies by level difference, focus, and prior knowledge.

[Improvised Damage]: This skill allows even the most mundane items to be used with deadly intent. Gain a [50%] damage bonus when attacking with an unconventional object.]

The breadth of the skills on [Dead Wrong] was incredible, but thriving like a ‘cockroach’ wasn't appealing. It was as though the system crafted my options to appeal to my desire to keep everyone safe, specifically so I wouldn't choose this last option. Even the title of the class was ridiculous.

Absently, I reached up to my shoulder to scratch under Richard's chin. He stretched out in gratitude.

Richard and I hadn't talked about the Library yet, or the [Trials of a Hero]. I had the sneaking suspicion we weren't going to either that he wouldn't, or couldn't, speak of it.

He knew the system personally. They had history. I still couldn’t stretch my mind around the sarcastic asshole on my shoulder going toe to toe with the system.

For some unknown reason, Richard had picked me. My heart warmed as I looked at Tandy playing with her scissors, and Leo laughing at his own joke as Meredeath rolled her eyes. Richard had picked us.

"The way it's been going, [Cheat Death] could come in handy," I said to Richard, seeing if he'd react.

Pick that one.

"Why? I mean, it could be dead wrong." I kept scratching. One eye tentacle turned towards me slowly as his body wiggled in pleasure.

Pick something else, then. His words didn't match the serious eye stalk staring me down. Looks like he couldn't talk about it.

"I'm going to pick what I want," I said impudently just to tease him.

Both of his eyestalks turned to me, evaluating. Then he gave the slug equivalent of a shrug and started grooming himself with a loud slurp of his tongue.

Yeah, it's guaranteed that whatever you pick will be the wrong choice.

He was probably right.