Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 19: You Can't Polish This

One might ask how I ended up back between Meredeath's thighs so soon.

"How much time's on our dungeon timer?" Meredeath asked as she used a dagger to cut at the glue pinning Leo to the ceiling. Richard’s glue hadn't mixed well with the dungeon's saliva.

The only person who could reach Leo was Meredeath, sitting on my shoulders.

I brought up the text, "It says 10 hours."

"Not long enough," Tandy was working on Richard, who was also glued to the floor.

I stumbled a little as the floor rippled. It was almost as though the dungeon was as unhappy at our slowness as the system. Meredeath, sitting on my shoulders, didn't bother to comment. She kept prying at the glue. So far, she'd freed his right arm.

"What's our plan?" Meredeath asked with nonchalance. I thought it was rich for her, this overpowered feline-human, to ask us.

"I think we need to talk about the tools at our disposal first," I wanted to know what she could do. The team needed to know about the range of possibilities. I also had questions for Richard.

The dull sound of blades sawing at toughened glue filled the cavern.

I opened my mouth to push, but Meredeath pulled at my hair. Looking up, she mouthed: You owe me. I jerked my head down.

Did I owe her? She'd saved my life, but we were in a dungeon together, so how much did that count?

Determined, I opened my mouth only to have her jerk my head again. Starting to get irritated, I looked up. Her panic softened into desperation. Eyes pleading, she mouthed: Please don't.

Shame burned in my chest. Was I really willing to override her wishes?

I amended my original statement: "Did anyone else pick up any new skills?"

Thank you.

I wanted to ask: Can you talk to anyone? Why are you talking to Meredeath? But I saved it for later, for someplace more private. Hopefully, survival and privacy were something I’d experience again.

"I didn't think we’d get any new skills until we finish the trial." Leo sounded tired. He mimicked the system in a stiff, fake voice, "Further details and rewards will be aggregated and awarded upon [Trial Dungeon] completion."

“Well, I’m not sure mine’s much of a ‘reward.’ I got [Minor Slime Manipulation].” I demonstrated by flicking a small bit of slime off my shoulder. Instead of flicking, it jerked to the side and oozed down my arm.

“Wow, that’ll save us in a pinch,” Meredeath said, what we were all thinking.

"This is the stupidest test I've heard of, and I've been having my grandmother test me my whole life!" Tandy grunted, slicing through a whole section. Richard was almost free.

"We've got two more chances. I caught them up on the intestines, but Meredeath, what made you and Richard turn around?" Leo asked as he scratched his nose with his free hand.

"Leo, you saved us. I have a [Breathe] skill that made me immune to the spores, but everything else fell asleep once the tunnels were saturated. First, Richard passed out. Then the tentacles, and finally, as I was watching, the floor boss. I killed it with one swipe, cradling a snoring Richard." I shifted my weight to my other foot, wondering what she'd used to swipe its throat. "Believe it or not, it dropped loot."

"I thought we couldn't get loot in the [Trial Dungeon]?" Leo's left hand snapped free. He was starting to pull at the glue around his chest.

Meredeath dug in her bra. At first, I thought a flake of glue had fallen in, but she retrieved something much better: an oversized brass key.

With a crack, Leo freed his torso. I helped Meredeath slide off my shoulders as Leo finished extricating himself. He landed smartly on his feet.

The tumble didn't dampen his enthusiasm. "Is that what I think it is?" He vibrated with excitement.

"Well, the key activates a bypass mechanism. So if that's what you think it is..." Meredeath trailed off, unsure what to do with his sudden enthusiasm.

"It's a [Progress Key]!" Leo exclaimed. Tandy looked at him like he'd grown a third eye.

"Sorry, Leo, I'm not up on dungeon lore as much as you are," I could tell it was hard for Tandy to admit, "But what the hell is a [Progress Key]?"

Leo grabbed the key from Meredeath and danced a little jig, "Cole, do you remember? Those old timers at the Ram's Horn? We can bypass any section of the dungeon we've already completed. It saves us from a repetitive grind. I thought they were only given out in the elite dungeons when you're given several chances to complete a run."

"Maybe it's here because it gave us three chances?" Tandy said as she stood up, holding a free Richard. He looked exhausted.

Tandy handed him over. Richard curled around my neck like usual. It was funny the things I was getting used to.

"No, there's a catch. I remember that night, that old [Brawler]..."

Ram's Horn had been slow, so they'd released me early for the night, and Leo had held the table down waiting for me to get off work.

We sat for two hours, just listening.

"You can use a [Progress Key] alright, but you should be careful," the grizzled [Brawler] had said. He took a long swig of his ale, drawing out his story. Wiping his beard, he continued, "You know why, right?"

"Oh, come on, Dian. You're a slow-boiling teakettle tonight, ain't you?" One of his teammates rolled their eyes, "If you're not going to tell her, I will, and it'll be much faster."

The [Brawler] Dain grinned, a nasty scar sat across his lips, "You never did know how to tell a story. Anyway, [Progress Keys] are a boon if you're trying to solve a dungeon, but if you're trying to level, they will hold you up—no levels or skills earned from what you bypass. The system only counts the last run. The final product of the team."

Their young teammate looked between the old warriors, awe in her voice, "Is that how Cerlon Hammerstrike finished the Labrinth, without loot?"

The old man grinned, "I told you she'd do. A smart one we've got here. Aye, that's the supposition. Although no one knows, as he'd lost his team."

"... any progress we've had so far in the dungeon won't be counted toward our final loot totals. Something like that?"

We looked at each other briefly before Meredeath spoke, "I don't know you all too well, but loot isn't any good if you're dead. I say we use it."

"Honestly, I'm willing to do anything that doesn't force me to take another acid bath," Tandy chimed in.

I looked at Leo. Tandy was never loot-focused. It'd always been Leo and me hoarding over our childhood treasures.

Even knowing all of that, his vote still surprised me, "I vote we save it. We've got two more chances. Why not use one of them to try again? I've waited my whole life for this chance, and I want to step into an [Adventurer] class with as much collective experience as possible."

Leo looked at me, his last hope. I had the power to throw us into a tie or move us forward. Richard was notably quiet. Leo was tense. I could tell he wanted this desperately. He'd been relegated to insignificance for so long that he would do anything to grasp this opportunity. I empathized. I wanted this too.

But it wasn't worth it if we didn't survive, "I hate to say this, Leo," he sighed, knowing my vote. "But I will have to go with Tandy on this one. You're almost untouchable, and you still died in the intestines. What if we need both our attempts to defeat whatever's next? Look, brother," I grabbed his arm, waiting for him to look at me. "You’ll have the rest of your life to accumulate all the levels, classes, and skills you can dream up. I want to be there to see you do it."

The words, the promise, sat between us. I held my breath, willing Tandy to stay quiet. I wanted him to come to this himself, instead of being harshly overruled.

"I've been dreaming for a long time." His mouth twitched into a sad smile, accepting my logic. "I've dreamed of a lot of levels, classes, and skills."

"I promise, I will help you get all the skills." I meant it, too. He deserved it.

Tension left his body at his acquiescence, "Fine. We use it. Now tell us about this final boss of yours."

All eyes returned to Meredeath. She nervously fiddled with her amulet. I hadn't looked closely at it before, but the ivory top was carved into a delicate skull. She was such an odd individual.

"I've heard tales of this monster, a moving illusion of it once. The stench is unbearable, and it has a gas attack that can hit swaths of [Adventurers] at once. I'm honestly shocked it's in a [Trial Dungeon]." She trailed off. My mind raced. What was waiting for us at the end of the road? How much did she know about dungeons?

Could it be a dragon? One of the legendary Gawools? Nothing high-level had made it to Woodsten yet, not since the Ursine Wall blocked the Wilds. Not with the magical guardians patrolling the mountains.

This [Trial Dungeon] threw out the rulebook. We had a [Progress Key], something [Adventurers] could go their entire career without earning once.

"What is it?" Tandy asked, impatient for the truth.

Meredeath hesitated before revealing, "It's a Golgothan."

"Wh-what the hell is that?" Leo asked the question we were all thinking. A Golgothan sounded terrible. Was it a miniature version of the Leviathan we were stuck in?

Meredeath turned the key over in her hands, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. It was apparent she wasn't going to give us more. I tapped Richard on the head.

It's a shit demon. Richard translated dryly. He was tired and unimpressed.

"Crap," I said, then slapped my hand across my mouth trying to hold in a chortle. Everyone looked at me, "That's a load of crap."

Meredeath's eyes twinkled as she nodded, "I couldn't have said it better." Tandy and Leo looked at us like we were lunatics.

"We're about to step in it." I grinned as Meredeath snorted.

She answered with her own joke, saluting Tandy as she said, "But it's our doo-ty to finish this dungeon."

Tandy looked at the two of us making poop jokes and shook her head, "It's a shit monster isn't it? Why does it always have to be such a shit-show with you two?”

Meredeath and I looked at her as she looked at us. We held it together for a few seconds before absolutely losing it. Wailing with laughter, I bent over, my sides hurting. Even Richard chuckled to himself.