If It's Stupid But It Works... Then It's Still Stupid & It's a Miracle That It Worked - Chapter 3

Okay, maybe I spoke too soon about today not being a bad first day on this journey to Camp Half-Blood.

"Child of the divine, answers my riddles three, or thy path shall end with me." Said the grinning sphinx. In the middle of the airport.

"How did you even get here? Why do you work here?" I couldn't help but ask, incredulous.

The sphinx was wearing an airport employee shirt, sitting behind an information desk.

I tried to go around unnoticed, but the monster was fast for something of its size as I found it in front of me. Most likely thought it used the Mist (supernatural force that separated the mundane and the mystical and used for magic) to trick me into thinking it stayed in her desk.

"Airport and other transit hubs in general are in excellent locations for knowledge, as it gathers from a multitude of travelers coming and going from around the country or the world." The sphinx shrugged, before looking once more at me menacingly. "Now will you stall further or accept your fate? You may try to run, but then I will end you immediately rather than give you a chance to run."

I frowned and hummed. We were in the middle of the airport, but knowing demigod luck, if I do anything big I'll end up as some terrorist or fugitive in the news.

I'll have to go along with this and see if I can get an opening.

"Alright, throw you questions on me." Gulping, I steeled myself and nodded.

The sphinx grinned, showing its sharp teeth as it sat down to make itself appear bigger, and looming.

"What..." She began, it's voice reverberating with ancient majesty and judgement. "Is 2 + 2?"

!!!

"...Excuse me?" I blinked a few times. "I might have heard wrong. Could you repeat the question?"

"Hmm, I suppose that would be too difficult for the son of stupidity." She nodded to herself. "You can request a simpler question, but in turn, I'd have to increase the number of questions you have to answer by—"

"Four." I said, freezing the gloating monster. "The answer is... four." By the way, that last pause wasn't out of hesitation, or for dramatic effect. I was just in disbelief.

Weren't the sphinx questions suppose to be these really hard, thought provoking stuff?

"...Are you sure—"

"Yes!" I found myself speaking with a bit of frustration. "2 + 2 = 4. Kindergarteners know this!" I almost shouted.

"Hmm, I suppose a son of stupidity can get something intellectual right every once in a while." She hummed to herself.

Second time she mentioned my divine parent.

...Is this profiling? Am I being discriminated against?

"Very well, then. You passed the first question. Now for the second, what!..." She said dramatically once more, but honestly she lost any intimidation she might have had. "Is the capital of Ireland?"

Okay it's official. She genuinely thinks I'm so dumb that I don't know trivia.

"Dublin." I deadpanned.

"Impossible!" She gasped—Gasped!—as she looked at me with wide eyes. "To not answer my questions not just once, but twice? What is this sorcery? Is someone feeding you the answers, Demigod of Idiocy?" She said while looking me all over, like I had an ear piece or something.

Okay that's it. This sphinx, she specifically dies. At one point, I might have thought to be clever, or focus on escaping and not cause a commotion but this time, she dies. I don't care what noise I make.

"Third question?" I said through gritted teeth, while putting on the fakest of smiles.

The sphinx caught herself, coughed and tried to act regal again. Now she looked at me as if I was something to be taken seriously.

She's probably gonna give me an actually difficult third question, but I don't care. I just need one distraction then I'm taking her out.

"What... is the name of a medical condition that is a rare congenital anomaly that exhibits bone and cartilage anomalies in the body?" The sphinx grinned triumphantly, and honestly any normal person likely won't know this off the top of their head.

"Chondrodysplasia punctata." Sadly for her, she happened to meet someone who's mom is a genetic researcher. Medical research papers like that come up every once in a while, and I tend to half-listen while she's reading them, or thinking about them out loud, so I randomly pick stuff up.

"INCONCEIVABLE!" She shouted this time, and some of that noise got through the Mist enough to make a few people look at us, to see what the commotion was.

I waved them off (used the Mist to make them see something boring) and they went back to whatever they were doing.

"How is this possible? What manner of machinations could have unveil the answer to you. Nay!" The sphinx abruptly stood up and began to intensely look around. "Who has concocted this scheme against me?"

Bitch, are you serious!?

I coughed loudly, making her look down toward me again.

"Can I go now?" I said sounding bored and absolutely done.

"Hmm," she narrowed her eyes against me, with a non-so-subtle growl in her throat. "Very well, you shall be granted leave of ten minutes, before I chase you. Should I catch you, the next set of questions will be much more—"

"How about," I cut in seeing my chance. "I ask you a question. You get it right, you eat me. You get it wrong and you leave me alone and never try to eat me even if we meet again."

The sphinx blinked at me a few times, then threw her head back, and laugh. She laid her rump down, sitting while continuing to laugh.

"O-Oh this truly is the a grand jest." She said, before getting her bearing again, while I tried not to let my annoyance show. "Very well then, go ahead, ask your question. For I have never, in a thousand years failed a riddle."

"What..." I copied her tone but not her energy, a mocking smile on my face. Not that she seemed to notice. "Is right behind you?"

The sphinx grinned.

"Aaah, son of stupidity, you should not have thought yourself clever. I know the structure and map of this airport like the back of my paw. It is Natalie's Candy Jar, a store to procure sweets of all variety and—"

"Wrong." I smiled back.

"What!? You can't just say something is wrong because you don't like the answer—"

"KITTY!"

The sphinx froze in shock. I smugly pointed behind her.

There was a little girl that was looking at the sphinx's back. Kids can sometimes see through the Mist because their minds were more open. Probably means they have more imagination, or can still believe in the mythical.

The sphinx, wide eyed in shock, looked back to confirm that indeed there was a little girl directly behind her, between the sphinx and the candy shop. Thus the monster was wrong.

The girl upon see the 'kitty' having a human face cried out in fear.

And while all that was happening, I reached into my backpack. Dad has made it into a bag of holding after we played videogames that one time. Don't ask, I have no idea how he did it either.

I willed the object I want to come to me, and closed my hand on the handle.

And pulled out La Baseball Bat. Yes. It was a celestial bronze baseball bat, and yes that was its name.

I jumped upward. Both hands on the bronze bat, arms pulled back.

The sphinx stiffened. Looking at the child's face of utter astonishment, I guess she was now looking at the crazy dude who jumped in the air with a baseball bat at the just lion with a woman's face's back.

The sphinx never had the chance to react or face me as I brought the celestial bat with enough force that upon impacting her head, it was as if a massive gong was rung.

BOOM!

The sphinx slammed into the ground, shaking it a bit. People screamed, and looked toward the noise was.

The monster began to disintegrate into gold dust. As for me, I immediately used Stupidity Nullification for two second. The instant I landed onto the ground I went to a brochure stand and knocked it down, stood back, and put La Baseball Bat back into the bag.

People looked at the fallen stand, then back at me, and the Mist made the connection for them.

"Sorry! Sorry! I'm in a hurry!" I said quickly and seemed like I was running. I paused for a moment for the little girl. "That was just a hologram, CGI. We're filming a movie, Big Cat in the Airport. Not really for kids. Bye bye!" I said that all in one breath and booked it.

The girl's mom came, and the girl launched into a retelling of what just happened. She told her mom that I was a secret baseball ninja who killed the cat with a woman's face, and lie to her about it. Which, you know, was rude.

Thankfully that whole thing was behind me now, and I made my way to the airplane without any other incidents.

I feel like I'm forgetting something with all the excitement, but for the life of me, I can't figure it out.

Oh well, like dad said, 'if you can't remember it, it probably wasn't that important'.

===x===

As the airplane went through a fifth turbulence in a row, along with the occasional lightning and thunder outside the plane, I realized that I forgot to give an offering to motherfucking Zeus, to get permission to travel through his skies.

Another crack of lightning that felt eerily close to the plane's wing this time, could be seen from the window seat I was near.

I could have sworn I saw an angry face in the lightning.

"Nope!" I got up, taking my backpack with me.

"Honey, I know this is scary but you need to sit down—" One of the nice flight attendants came to me.

"Bathroom. Emergency. I am this close to shitting myself sitting down." I said with that panic of holding it in, to really sell it.

"You can't hold it—"

"Really, really no. This isn't something I can wait on right now." Crack-thoom. "Nope! Gotta go!" I moved forcibly and thankfully my body language was enough for her to let me pass.

I entered the small toilet cabin and locked the door.

"Okay, okay, ashtray, fire." I muttered.

No ashtray. Just the one embedded on the wall.

"Fuck it, improvise."

I took a towel from my back, drenched it in water from the tap, looped it into a circle, and put it on the countertop next to the basin.

I got a lighter, a piece of paper, a match box.

I crumbled the paper into a ball and set it in the middle of the wet towel circle. I then broke the lighter, and poured its fuel onto the paper, without getting any of the liquid on me.

I held the match box, then stopped.

"Right, sacrifice." Starting a fire for nothing would be stupid.

I put my hand up to my arm into the backpack of holding looking for something to appease the King of the Gods.

A gameboy.

"No." I put it back.

A lunch box my mom made.

"No." I don't think he's be appeased by just a home cooked meal.

Also I don't want him thinking positively about my mom.

I don't want Zeus thinking about my mom at all.

I tried again and pulled La Baseball Bat.

"Hmm," it would be a significant sacrifice, but I don't want to lose dad's gifts yet. "No." Let's try one last time.

I grabbed something, multiple somethings like a package and pulled them out.

"..." I looked at the bundle of magazines in my hands.

Playboy magazines. Dad really needs to stop trying to 'help' sometimes.

But in this case...

"It's crazy enough, it might work!"

I lit the crumbed paper on fire.

"Oh Lord of the Thunder and Skies, King of the Gods, Lord Zeus, I humbly apologize for for—" Nope! Better not insinuate that he's not important enough to be remembered. "Not paying tribute to your greatness in order to be able to travel through your domain."

There is no polite way to say what I'm about to say next.

"So please accept this humble offering of..." fuck it, let's bullshit. "Art and thought provoking essays." I placed the playboy magazines over the flames.

There was a picture of a woman in a sling bikini that's about to fall off, on the top magazine's cover. I put my hand over it to cover it, just in case other gods were nearby with Zeus and looking at what I was offering.

...Nothing happen.

Yes, the thunder outside quietened and the turbulence stopped.

But it wasn't because Zeus was quelled. Oh no.

I could feel the King of the God's deadpan stare at my back, even if he's not there.

The magazines actually started to burn. Smell was coming up.

"I could look to see if I have other things..." Just as I was about to lift magazines, they disappeared in burst of flame and smoke, leaving behind a nice indescribable scent.

Phew.

I could still feel the subtle glare from Zeus at my back though.

Shit, maybe I should offer other things, just so he isn't insulted I only gave him magazines.

Then an idea came to me.

"Lord Zeus, while I might not have anything worthy yet to offer you, so this trip would be allowed to go smoothly by you, maybe I could do a quest for you, your majesty? Maybe something whose difficulty makes it okay so that I'm allowed air travel this time, and be allowed to travel through the air without needing permission every time. Regardless of what your quest is, please allow me to show my sincerity through effort." I said quickly.

Another bit of silence, with very distance rumbling outside.

"You will head to Westport, Connecticut within the week, and aid my daughter Thalia Grace reach Camp Half-Blood alive and whole. Should you succeed, then I'll forgive this transgression and allow you to travel through my skies in the future, without need for constant permission." The voice of Zeus came from the mini-fire in front of me, and echo in my mind.

Fucking sweet! Basically same thing Hermes wanted. Two for the price of one.

"Of course, Lord Zeus! I happily accept and will ensure she reached camp safe and sound." I answered back, almost letting out a laugh from relief.

"However, your transgression still requires punishment. You will continue your journey on the ground till you meet my daughter and bring her to Camp Half-Blood." Zeus added.

"That's fair." I nodded.

The turbulence returned, but it wasn't as heavy as before.

The pilot's voice came over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, due to harsh weather condition we are due to make a landing at Chesapeake Regional Airport, where your flights will be rescheduled. We apologize for this delay, we ask for your patience."

I sighed. It seems that things were over for now.

Bang. Bang. Bang.

"Excuse me, sir! I'm smelling smoke, is everything okay in there!" Shouted the flight attendant as she knocked on door. "Son, are you smoking or starting a fire in there!?" She called out.

Aw, shit. I don't wanna end up in police custody once the plane lands. That would be a headache and a half to get around.

Plus I really don't want to pull a Percy and end up as a fugitive on the news, like he does in every book.

I quickly put out the fire with the wet towel, while praying again to Zeus.

"Lord Zeus, it would greatly delay my quest for you if I was to be incarcerated upon landing. Can I please ask you for a distraction, so that the flight attendants and security would ignore me right now?"

I felt a hum from the atmosphere, as my request was being considered.

CRACK-THOOM!

Then a lightning bolt struck one of the plane's engines.

Immediately the emergency beeping came on light with the pilot telling people what happened and asking them to sit down and buckled up for an emergency landing.

I hand to catch myself before falling, as the plane shook for a moment.

"You know what I was gonna complain, but it's fine. It's fine. What will be, will be and all that." I said, mostly to myself and took a deep breath to calm down. Now I just need to get to my seat.

I looked out the window and saw an eagle flying in front of the engine, looking right at me.

Then it stopped flying.

BANG!

"LADIES AND GENTLEMENT, I'M AFRIAD WE SUFFERED A BIRDSTRIKE! SECOND ENGINED JUST FAILED! WE ARE FORCED TO MAKE AN EMERGENCY LANDING IN THE WATER!" Came the captain's panicked voice.

"I SAID I WASN'T GONNA COMPLAIN! NO NEED TO OVERACHIEVE THIS STUNT!" I found myself crying out involuntarily as the plane shook.

At least I got a feeling of mirth back.