Midnight Bounties 4 - Chapter 45

Fey stomped her foot angrily. I looked to Ragul for help but interestingly enough, the vampire seemed to be on her side for once.

“You haven’t shaved, and you stink,” she claimed. “Didn’t you say you took a bath this morning? What were you doing?”

“I—I bathed,” I lied. “Yesterday.”

“In orc sweat, no less,” Tyfus said and chuckled together with Arstemion.

I shot the demon a tired look. He had made the Midnight Bounties his new home and wasn’t looking to go back.

“No, you didn’t. And now you’ve soiled your new clothes. Ragul ironed them to perfection and now we need to wash them again.”

“What’s the big deal,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I’m hosting a Mok’fera for thousands of orcs. I don’t think I’ll come out smelling like roses after that anyway.”

“I smell you, you idiot. Take those off and take a bath, now!”

“Don’t talk to the God Slayer like that, Fey. He’ll cry,” Tyfus chimed in again and both he and the demon general toasted to the gnome’s lazy joke.

“And you two,” Fey said, her runes constantly lit up by Arstemion’s presence. “Are you just going to sit there all day and drink again? You, demon! When are you going home?”

“She’s got a point, pal,” I said.

“The demon is our customer, girl. He pays his orders and leaves generous tips,” Ragul reminded her.

“I appreciate that, vampire,” Arstemion said, raising his mug at the drow. “I have been invited to the orc’s Mok’fera. Once it is done, I will take my legions back to Hell.” The fires in his eyes were weak and dull. He wasn’t even burning through my chairs anymore. The moonshine had pacified the demon general and turned him into yet another average drunkard that was stuck to my bar like shit to a troll’s ass.

“That’s the third time you promised that,” I said, unbuttoning my shirt. “And then there’s Tarnon, too. Why the hell did you let that idiot go north? I told you what would happen if you betrayed our deal.”

“You,” Arstemion said, spinning around and tipping over the mugs on the counter with his wings.

Ragul sighed and got to cleaning the mess.

“You made a deal with me, Frank. You can’t make a deal with two demons at the same time. Besides, Tarnon and his legions are not under my command. He does as he wishes.”

“He’ll be carrying his head in a bag soon enough,” I muttered, pulling my pants off. “You people are impossible to deal with.”

“They be demons, Frank,” Rot said, sitting next to him. “Can’t trust a demon to pay yer drink when he says he will.”

“I paid your drinks, duergar,” Arstemion snapped angrily.

Rot turned his mug upside down and shook it demonstratively.

“Ye only paid for the first nine, lad. If I don’t get me ten ale in soon enough I get groggy, ye know? Ye don’t want to sit next to no groggy duergar, I tell ye.”

Something rolled down the stairs and thumped into the wall. Scratching his forehead, a half-dead Spif shakily got up.

“What day is it?” he mumbled. Parts of his fur seemed burned or scratched off and his eyes were milky and wet.

“Look at the poor thing,” Fey said as a clatter of footsteps followed.

Several lesser demons, some of those exploding flesh-balls and one greater demon, came walking down the stairs. Once they saw Arstemion there, they bowed their heads and wordlessly went for the door.

“We on for tonight, don’t forget it!” Spif yelled after them.

The demons looked back at the satyr with mixed expressions. Some seemed genuinely disturbed if a demon could look disturbed at all. The last one out the door looked over his shoulder at Spif and shuddered. 

“Demons, Spif? Really?” I asked.

“They…uhm…know some interesting stuff. You live and you learn, you know?”

Fey leaned closer into me, her eyes aflame.

“Get them out of here, Frank!”

“I’m trying, gods damn it. I can’t do everything at once,” I said, tossing my pants over to Ragul and grabbing onto my underpants.

“Frank!” Fey snapped.

I looked around the mostly empty club. Drogna was stretching at the poles and winking at me. I groaned and then walked over to the bathhouse mumbling angrily under my breath.

Just as I filled the tub and plunged into the warm, spicy waters, the door swung open with a bang startling me.

“I keep forgetting to ask you,” Tyfus said, holding a mug. “What did you and the Emperor talk about? I know you did. What did the sack of shit tell you? Did he promise you riches if you betrayed us?”

I looked up to the ceiling and groaned again, louder.

“What? You want privacy? You know there’s no such thing here. Come on, tell me. I never catch you alone nowadays with half the city trying to crawl up your ass.”

“What are your plans, Tyfus?” I asked instead.

“My what?”

“Your plans, you know? What are you going to do with your life now that everything’s settled?”

“Settled? A third of the city is in ruins. Demons still run about and there’s an army of orcs in the Ashpit getting ready to drink and smack each other to death.” He rubbed his chin and leaned his big gnome head to the side. “Well, I guess they are somewhat settled now that I think about it.”

“So?”

“So nothing. I’m going back to the University with Tarnia. I’m going to get my degree and we’ll finally get married. We even talked about children. What do you think about that?”

I was genuinely shocked not only by the news but also by the casual style of delivery. It was so un-Tyfus-like.

“You’re shitting me.”

The gnome snapped his head back and let out a loud “Ha!” He pointed his mug at me.

“The fuck would I do that for? I wouldn’t marry Tarnia if she was the last gnome in the kingdom. That crazy bitch is my ruin, Frank.”

“But you love her.”

“I love her, sure.”

“And your degree?”

“What degree, you scented turd? I don’t give two ogre’s balls about no useless piece of paper. I’m level 74, Frank. You know how many mages are level 74?”

“No?”

“Me neither, but not many, I tell ya. I’m going back to the Lusty Lion, brother. Going to take that place to a whole new level now that Derek is fucking King. I’m going to bring in all the weirdest, most exotic shit from every side of the world and milk those noble cunts for every king’s head they have. But first…” he explained with a devilish grin.

“First what?”

“First I’m going north with Tarnia.”

“What? Why would you do that?”

“Because there’s an unsanctioned demon army out there for the taking. You know how much experience demon kills yield? I mean who am I talking to? You’ve dibbed your ugly shlong in that fleshy flower more than once.”

“Always the poet,” I muttered, sinking deeper into the bathtub. “Well, good. Someone needs to take care of that anyway. Might as well be the two of you.”

“I’m taking Wortimus with me, just so you know.”

“You’re what?” I snapped. “Have you even asked him?”

“It was his idea, Frank. The old gentle fautar developed a taste for blood and glory. And it’s not just him, the Blooddrinkers Clan is coming with us. Ugly Hog, their leader got killed and they made Wort their new chief.”

“Well, isn’t that sweet.”

“You bet your dirty ass it is. Now, what about my question, huh? What did that golden prick want from all of this?”

I picked up my cigar from the little stand next to the tub and made Tyfus light it with a snap of his fingers. I blew out a big waft of smoke and looked up at the ceiling.

“Well?”

“You can’t tell anyone about this, alright? Especially not Tarnia.”

“Sure, sure, my word is my bond and honor, courage, and all that shit.”

“Reassuring as always,” I said and breathed out another puff. “Fine, I’ll tell you and you’ll figure out why you can’t share it with anyone. You’re a smart man.”

“I’m flattered,” Tyfus said, sitting down on the edge of the tub and dipping his feet into my water. “Good gods, Frank!” he suddenly yelled. “Are you alright?”

“What? Why?”

“I mean…I’m so sorry.” He said and put a hand over his mouth.

“What?”

“I’ve never…I’ve never seen such an ugly dick. I weep for the women that had to look at it. Gods! Some had to touch it! Even a troll’s—”

“I get it,” I said and sighed.

“And poor Fey! How could you do that to her?”

“You want to hear the story or not?” I snapped.

“Sure,” he grinned. “No offense meant, my good man.”

I gave him a tired look then just continued.

“Back in Morgefah’s prison, I learned that the Faydar Empire was destroyed by something called the Flesh-Dominion. Some kind of alien species that…well, I don’t know, it jumps from planet to planet and eradicates all life or assimilates it? I’m not sure.”

“It’s such a pleasure to know that the secrets of the universe have been bestowed upon such a wise man of great memory and intellectual capacity. Go on.”

“Apparently, the Emperor had somehow managed to come in contact with them and they promised him some kind of immortality if he prepared our world for their coming. And as far as he understood it, that preparation meant lowering our defenses to a point where they would just swoop in and take what they wanted.”

Tyfus took a sip from his mug, contemplating my words for a bit.

“Shit,” he finally said. “That makes zero sense.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Well for one, if they can destroy the fucks who created our world, would some walled cities and iron swords manage to stop them? What the fuck did he have to prepare? They can roll over us any time they want.”

“Well, that’s the other part of the equation.”

“You wouldn’t know what an equation is if it bit you on that gangrenous eel you call a dick. Hah!”

My arm twitched and for a moment the idea of drowning him in the tub flashed through my mind.

“Be that as it may,” I said. “There’s something the Faydar did here that might cause the Flesh-Dominion to avoid us. I’ve learned back in Hell that the Deeproot on our world is different than on other worlds. They’ve put no limits on our power gain meaning we can pretty much turn into god-like beings given time and opportunity. I guess that’s why those alien bastards don’t really bother us. Besides, we’re just one planet. Who knows how many worlds they’ve taken. The Emperor had to convince them to come and since he’s dead and the link to the Flesh-Dominion is broken, we should be safe I wager.” Tyfus stared me down for a while, the cogwheels in his head spinning.

“You’re shitting me.”

“I’m not.”

Tyfus emptied his mug and looked away for a moment.

“So there’s an evil alien armada jumping planets and the only reason you think they won’t bother us is because we’re just one planet? That’s no reassurance at all, man!”

“Well, space is really big apparently. Who knows when they’ll get to us if at all.”

“But they will, won’t they? One day the Flesh-Dominion will arrive.”

“I really hope I’ll be dead by then,” I said casually. “Besides, if things go well, there’ll be plenty of powerful people to fight them.”

“If all goes well? What the fuck would go well? Has it ever gone well?”

I couldn’t argue with that. Truth was that there were still plenty of wars to come, especially now there was a power vacuum in the north.

“We have to prepare!”

“I don’t have to do shit. What I have to do is host that Mok’fera and then enjoy my life for a bit. I’ve done plenty.”

“Yeah, but not enough. Do you understand what’s going on here? You’re aware of a massive threat and you’re trying to swipe it under the carpet because what? You’re tired? Shit, Frank I didn’t think you’d chicken out from—”

“Oh fuck off, gnome. Give me a break. Go north, get your experience, train, go do dungeons. Increase your own levels. Become the most powerful mage in all of Steelheart if you want to save the world. I’ve done it once already. It’s not as fun you’d think.”

“Well, fuck me. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

“Well do it then,” I said, growing properly annoyed.

“I will.”

“Good,” I barked.

A moment of silence befell the bathhouse. The kind of tension old married couples had after yelling at each other spread through the room.

“I have to tell—”

“No!” I snapped. “Well, someone has to prepare for the end of the world.”

“Ugh, the fuck. Just do what you want.”

“I will, I always do.”

“I know.”

“And what about the Lusty Lion?”

“Give it to someone else then.”

“Sure,” I said. “I had that coming. Why do I even try to be honest with you?”

“Because you love me,” Tyfus grinned and jumped off the edge of the tub.

I watched him leave the place and then let my head slowly sink beneath the scented water. My body felt a thousand years old. The wound in my side hadn’t yet healed and I wondered if it ever would. The Emperor’s sword was a hell of a weapon and I had stashed it away together with Mercy and Traitor. I had to take a break from looking at them.

I couldn’t say how long I enjoyed my bath for once when I suddenly shot out of the water again.

“The fucking Mok’fera. Fey’s going to kill me.”

I ran back into the club, pitch naked and slammed open the door and beelining to the stairs while a dozen Midnight voices slung invitations and insults my way. I had to shake Spif off my leg as I made for my room.

Ragul had laid out my clothes for me and I quickly put them on and ran back down.

“Master Frank.” Ragul’s voice was full of scorn. “You know me as a decent man of few words and fewer complaints, but I cannot sanction that behaviour. You are not only the host of this establishment and the owner of several others, but you are also a respected member of the city now. It does not become someone of your position to run around naked in front of our staff and guests. I hate to say it, but shame on you for that.”

“Ragul,” I said, genuinely shocked by the quick lesson in decency. “I’m—I’m sorry.”

Rot almost fell over his chair laughing at that.

“You don’t have to apologize to me, sir. But you certainly should offer words of apology to our esteemed guests.”

I looked behind me to see Pearl and Derek standing there in kingly attire surrounded by shocked noblemen and women and a small host of servants. Seldon, the King’s Voice was grinning to Derek’s right.

“Oh shit,” I blurted out. “Your Grace, my Queen,” I said bowing slightly.

“Nice dick, Lice,” Pearl said, laughing as the finely dressed women around her blushed in shock.

“Don’t say that, Pearl,” Derek acted shocked.

The crown on his head made him look absolutely ridiculous, not to speak of the massive shoulderpads from which a heavy green cloak hung like a curtain. He looked like someone dressed up a street dog and in many way he was exactly that. I didn’t want to say anything obviously. My days of shooting shit with Derek were over. Sadly.

“Why? I’m right, aren’t I ladies?”

The women and even the men around her giggled like a flock of horny pigeons.

“So, what can I do for you?” I said, stuffing my shirt into my pants.

“I’ve come to join the Mok’fera you’re hosting.”

“No shit?” I blurted out, smiling.

“I still have to advise My Grace against it. It’s a brutish ritual not at all suited for a King,” a tall skinny lord behind him said.

One of the new king’s advisors, I wagered.

“It’s the smartest start to his reign he could think of, my man,” I said.

“How do you figure?”

“Lord Witworth,” Derek said. “When Frank says it’s smart, it’s smart.”

“Well, for one the orcs helped save the city. Most of the casualties are theirs and for a king to take part in a festival that honors those dead, now that’s showing proper respect and unity. Shit, Derek, you’re full of surpises!”

“That’s Shit, King Derek, Frank,” Pearl corrected me.

“Absolutely,” I cleared my throat. “Shit, King Derek.”

“Well, let’s get to it then,” I said and gestured for the door.

Korvan opened it for us and the King and his retinue walked out first and then I did calling Fusha, Drogna and the others to follow me.

A thunderous storm of cheers met me as thousands of orcs roared, thumping their chests and calling out my name. I couldn’t help but smile at it all. There were plenty of other races out there, too. Most of what survived of the First, many guild members and leaders, and plenty of civilians.

My butlees were racing every which and trying to keep everyone’s thirst away together with waiters from both the Wailing Sisters and the Lusty Lion, but it was near impossible to serve everyone.

Luckily, we had set up improvised bars around the square where Opius and soon Ragul would hand out drinks accompanied by barmen from my other clubs.

Several small bonfires burned around the Ashpit, surrounded by large pikes with Quinta heads mounted on them. It wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea but you had to make some concessions when you partied with orcs.

Targa stood on the molten rock that was once a statue to a king with his Grand Shaman at the side and grinned my way. The old orc thumped his twisted staff against the stone and all eyes turned to them expectantly.

“Is that King Derek I see!” Targa roared.

“It is!” Derek yelled back. “I came to join the Mok’fera… again!”

A wave of cheers followed his words and Targa smiled satisfied.

“Is that Frank Midnight I see!” he said and before I could even answer, the whole square cheered “Frank Boss,” several times.

Damn, if I ever was about to tear up, it would have been then. I didn’t, of course. Gotta keep up appearances and all, but I had to swallow hard not to.

“It is!” I yelled as the commotion died down. “Tonight we drink and fight for the fallen! Tonight, we Mok’fera!”

“Mok’fera!” the Ashpit thundered, shaking the city all around us.