You all mean so much to me ♡

I didn't know where to put these feelings so I guess I'm just going to type them out here real quick. Something has clicked for me the last few days. The sun looks brighter, my room feels so peaceful, life feels like it could somehow be brighter than it is now. It feels like I'm finally coming out of whatever hole I've been in this last year. 

I loved teaching so much. I knew I wanted to be a teacher from the moment I sat down with my little sister and taught her how to tell the time. Home life was really hard at the time, my parents were/are absent alcoholics and there wasn't a lot of joy in our lives. But I remember seeing my sister's face light up when she finally understood how to tell the time. She had been worried because KS1 tests were coming up and she felt sad because time was something she just didn't understand. That was over 10 years ago and even now when she reads the time she will say 'you taught me how to do that'. It chokes me every single time and really is the core of why I wanted to be a teacher. I've felt that same feeling a hundred times over from being a teacher and it's one of the best feelings in the world. But I started to get tired and down trodden by all the red tape that comes with teaching, the toxic work environment and the never-ending stream of work to do. I started to really struggle and I didn't know why. I would cry before going to work earlier this year because the anxiety just got too much for me. I didn't know it at the time but I had been juggling full-time teaching, audio work & streaming all whilst having ADHD. I look back now and wonder how I ever managed. I felt worthless making the decision to leave my career but I couldn't stay any longer. I didn't know, though, that my struggles were actually being caused by something else. 

After leaving teaching in July, I took steps to act on my suspicions about having ADHD. I've always felt different but I just thought that was a product of my turbulent childhood and the mental fallout from that. I would NOT have been able to start this journey or access any kind of diagnosis without the direct support of you. I want you to know that. I was diagnosed at the end of August this year and have since been on medication. It's changed my life in every single way. I won't go into specifics but I understand myself so much better now. I am so gentle with myself now. I am able to do things & handle things that before I just couldn't. That's because of you guys. I am able to pay for my medication every month because of you. There's so much of my life that I owe to you. 

I was able to save up for a deposit on a house, something I never thought would happen to me & mine. My parents never owned a house, I thought I wouldn't either. After becoming my sister's guardian, life got even more expensive and a house was pretty much just out of the picture. But it happened. Your support made it happen and meant that I was able to save up a little more each month and we actually got there. I look around the space I work in now and know how lucky I am.

My little sister is going to therapy at the moment each week and my other sister will be having her own ADHD assessment next year. Because of the support from you. I've been able to get both my sisters gifts for Christmas, ones I know they are going to be so excited about. Because of you. I am able to be that stability for them and provide for them like they deserve, something that has been a real struggle up until now.

I get to work at home. I am actually getting into a good sleeping pattern because I'm able to focus on it and not neglect it for other 'more important' things that I need to get done. I can eat when I need to instead of going hours without which has helped my brain work better. Because of you. 

My life isn't perfect, it never has been nor will it ever be I suspect. But right now, at this moment in time, life is good. I can handle almost anything for the first time in my life without feeling like I'm going to melt down and crumble. My family is safe & on the road to happiness which is everything to me. 

I know that you get content for supporting me here. I know that for some this might just be a transactional thing. But I want you to know how you've changed my life. I am sitting here in tears writing this because I don't think I can ever convey my gratitude, not even a small percent of it because it's that profound. I will be forever thankful for this community & the people in it. You are some of the kindest, most wonderful people I have ever or will ever meet and I wish every day that you will find nothing but happiness in your lives. You deserve it so much. It is an honour to create content for you, to call this my job. Thank you for all you have given me. I am going to work so hard to make 2023 even better than previous years. 

I'm sorry for the big wall of text, I didn't mean for it to get this long at all, but it's what needed to come out of my heart right now. TLDR: you guys are the best and I'll never forget what you've given me. Thank you so, so much. You have my heart now & always. ♡♡♡