One Star Shining, Ch. 6

CH. 6
On a Pedestal

Cassandra had not slept well since the announcement of Enson's Trading. She spent the entire night thrashing side to side, staring at the ceiling. Tessa curled into her most of the time but even that warm, comforting sisterly presence did nothing to assuage the deep, confusing ache inside of her. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Felix's face, could even hear his gentle voice; his apology over the text message had been seemingly burned into her brain. There were so many things wrong with everything about this situation.

'Why do I care?' the Husky wondered more than once. She had slept with many people over the years, even grown somewhat attached to the sight of them. She had watched unconfident lovers blossom into confident men ready for life, for love, and for success. She had shared their warmth, their laughter, and pleasure. In the end, though, they always left. In the end, she was always alone. She had known that her tryst with Felix was just like all the rest, if ten times more pleasing, and she also knew that he had a real future. His mooning attitude, innocent eyes, and romantic mind were wasted on her. She had lost the ability to really feel love a long time ago. That was what she told herself anyway.

She really had wished him all the best in the world, kissed him goodbye with the knowledge that he would meet a girl someday that could give him something, anything, in a world and life that already provided everything for him. He was just a spoiled little rich boy, unhappy that one thing in his seemingly perfect life had not gone his way. What money did he even have to spend on an escort anyway? Paid for by his family money, she had no doubt. His family gave him whatever he could probably ever ask for. And all he had to do was do exactly what they said, be exactly who they wanted him to be...

Her eyes burned, and Cassandra realized, as she stared at herself in the dingy bathroom mirror, even as a late-night train rumbled overhead, that small tears were leaking down her cheeks. She knew exactly why she couldn't hate him, could not despise him for that kind of weakness, for yearning for something more. It made the ache all the more worse inside of her. She never had tolerated the mooning of previous customers that couldn't take a hint that it was only ever a one-time thing. She had received endless requests, post-coitus, for marriage, dates, etc. He hadn't even ever said anything close to that sort of thing, but she had seen it in his eyes. Or maybe she was projecting. Maybe a small part of her wished that he had been.

She splashed some water on her face, trying to wash away the acidic sting of her bitter tears. He was a prince, a boy who had everything handed to him on a silver plate. He could have anyone he wanted. He knew it too, probably. Hiring her had been just another distraction from a life that he didn't feel contented by. She tried to imagine him leaving it all behind, living in a crummy apartment like she did, working at a job that half of the time that she hated for how it made her look at the world. She looked back over her shoulder at Tessa, curled into their shared body pillow, and tried to picture Felix there instead.

Shit. That didn't work. The image just made her sad again. Mainly because she had never wanted anything like that before, or so badly. She shook her head, toweling her face off. It would never work. And what kind of person would she be if that was something she offered him? 'Oh yeah, why not run away from your family, tell them all to go screw themselves, come live with me in a tiny apartment while I work at an agency where I sleep with people for a living?' What was she supposed to do in that hypothetical situation? Quit her job that gave her incredible financial security, so that the only bed she came home to warm was theirs? Find another career where they could live, not well, but together? Would any two people really be happy with so little other than each other? Life was not a Bon Jovi song.

Her phone buzzed beside her on the sink and she sat down on the toilet, plucking it up. Another applicant. She swiped it away, dismissing it. She wasn't in the mood for some late-night booty call distraction. It buzzed again. It was a notification of one of her favorite artists posting a new song, entitled "Loney Valley Winds". She swiped it away as well. She had no interest in hearing yet another song about how someone else's relationship was doing so well. Usually, she adored every song that the artist put out, how their unconventional romance had worked out so well.

The phone buzzed again. She angrily swiped a claw at the screen, but instead just ended up opening the messenger application. Why did everyone and everything have to bother her this late at night? Who had nothing to do and was so wide awake at 3 A.M?

"You awake? I can't sleep."

It was from Felix. Her heart thudded up against her ribcage, and the sailing sensation it had caused as it traveled up from the pit of her stomach, where it had been residing, made her face flush hot. Her anger, sadness, frustration, even loneliness warred for one another, as if each one was an individual version of herself wrestling at the controls to her fingers. Her pads clicked out a response.

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair." It made no sense to her; she had no idea why she had typed it at all. And yet it seemed so fitting.

"Lol," came the response. "If only this was some ivory tower," he sent back. "I'd at least have the dream of some badass princess to come rescue me and take me away."

He was smart too. He got her references, seemed to exactly understand the meaning that she had been playing around with. Here he sat, with all the riches in the world, locked away in a metaphorical tower and dreaming of freedom.

"If you're going to flip a stereotype, are you going to start singing too?" she texted.

"Hardly. I sing like a crow."

"Why can't you climb down yourself?" she asked bitterly. Maybe that had been a bit too mean, he was smart, surely he could figure out her frustration. He probably knew exactly the same feeling.

"Because the bars are made of smiles and glass," he responded. "Because the tower has no handholds, and the sun casts the most beautiful pictures through the window. I can hold up my hand and make shadows, pretending they're just as good. Because for all the breezes down on the ground, I can feel them up here too, even if they're colder."

Cassandra snorted softly. "You a poet too?" she asked. "You could always jump." She realized a second later how that must have sounded with how terse she was being and she felt horrible.

His response didn't help. "No better way to find out if I can fly or not." It left an ominous weight in the pit of her stomach, how easily he had said it, how grim her imagination suddenly turned.

"I didn't mean it like that," she sent back hurriedly. There was a pause. A long pause. He didn't respond. The message was left on 'Sent' instead of 'Read'. The longer she waited, the more her stomach turned to ice, and a frantic dread settled into her stomach. Her fingers hovered over the keys, trying to calm herself. Steady girl, she told herself. He's probably not doing...what you're afraid that he's doing. She waited longer. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. She was bent almost double looking down at her screen, trying to will him to respond. Her mind had taken such a dark turn all of a sudden that she could barely breathe. "Felix," she sent back. No answer. "Don't you dare do what I think you're doing!" she hurriedly tapped out.

The pause was agony. Her skin went cold beneath her fur and tiny nightshirt. Her Aggression began to climb higher and higher, tail bristling. She began to pant softly, eyes wide and fixated on the screen. She had never needed to see that someone was typing back before in her life.

'Spirits, above, below, past and present,' she thought desperately, already willing to bolt out of the bathroom, pull on whatever clothes she had in reach, and race across town to wherever he was to stop him. 'Don't do this to a guy like him. Your life isn't that bad Felix!'

She was about to stand up when her phone buzzed. "Sorry, I was making a late-night snack to go with the movie I was watching."

She sagged down onto the seat of the toilet again, letting out a strangled whimper of relief.

"What were you talking about?" he asked.

She took several deep breaths. "Just...send me a picture of you right now, so I know you're not lying. It's important."

"Ok?" he said, and then a few moments later her phone buzzed twice in a row, the telltale sign of her receiving a media attachment. Sure enough, there he was, dressed in rumpled, oversized sleep clothes, a flour-wrapped piece of food sticking out of his mouth, and covered in blankets. He was smiling slightly, but he still looked confused. Spirits, how could he still look so innocent after everything she had done with him?

"Thank you," she said. She closed her eyes, counted to ten, and willed her Aggression to go away. "What are you eating?"

"Taquitos," he responded. "So good. I don't like the corn-flour wrapped ones, they're too crunchy."

"Yum," she replied, although the idea of food right now made her feel a little ill. Spikes in Aggression could do that. She knew she needed to take a pill soon. "I've never had one. What are you watching so late at night?"

"Promise you won't laugh?" he asked, to which she sent a thumb's-up emoji. He sent another picture, and she couldn't help a snort of laughter. "I know it's a children's cartoon, but I grew up with it. On nights like this nostalgia helps calm me down. Even if it's childish."

She felt a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "There's nothing childish in enjoying something nostalgic. So long as you don't turn into a weird, obsessive fanboy, or claim that you're dating one of the characters."

"People actually do that?" he responded.

"Yeah, it's incredibly unhealthy, and more than a little bit of a turnoff. I haven't seen that movie in ages...not since I was a little kid. I remember watching it with my parents." Memories, pleasant and painful, flashed before her eyes for a second.

"I watch it every month, it feels like." There was a short pause as she worked on continuing to calm herself down from her near panic attack. Then he texted again. "I wish...you were here to watch it with me."

Her heart sank again, fell with a crash back down into her stomach. Her eyes almost misted and she palmed her face. "Felix..." she started to type. She thought about what she could say. Should she be super blunt? Should she be honest? Innocent? Lead him on? "I'd love that too," she found she had typed out without meaning to, and clenched her paw hard, smacking herself in the forehead. Great, now he was going to think...

"In another world?" he sent suddenly, distracting her. Her ears perked up to see that he wasn't doing what she had thought he would, reading into her message with useless hope.

She felt a small, sad smile grace her muzzle. "In another world? Where I'm not an escort, or you're not some rich tycoon's son?"

"Yeah."

Damn. He knew the truth too. "Would we have met as kids?" she asked, allowing herself to indulge, just a tiny bit, in this harmless fantasy.

"Maybe," he sent back. "I was really small as a kid and didn't have a lot of friends. You never knew who was trying to just use you for your parent's shiny toys. Would you even have wanted to be my friend?"

She snorted softly. "I didn't have many friends either, I was a trouble maker. Your parents wouldn't have wanted me around."

"Lol!" he shot back. "I guess a forbidden friendship would have been in order then! I sneak out of the house to see you."

Cassandra slid down off the toilet and braced her back against the bathroom wall, perching her phone on her upraised knees, as far as she could get them to go with her prodigious chest in the way. She smiled as she responded. "So naughty! We could be trouble makers together then. Sneak off to the railroad and spray paint the trains?"

"Run around in the woods!"

"Hang out in the cemetery up on the hill above the church." She saw the image quite clearly, herself as a young pup and him as this tiny, blonde-headed scamp who trailed after her, probably hanging onto her tail as she dragged him off into adventure after misguided adventure. "Running away from the cops when they came to check for loiterers, hide together in the old shack up there."

"Really cramped in there I imagine?" he asked.

"Extremely ;) " she texted, snickering heavily. "It was just me back then, but I think we could have made it work. I developed pretty young too."

"Lucky," he said, impressing her that despite how adorably innocent he seemed that he could look past an obvious chance to regress back into easily flustered, like back at the hotel. She hadn't expected it, had even almost been expecting him to make some pervy comment asking what he was going to be pressed against. She reminded herself that he wasn't some kid. She had almost hoped he was going to. Being the only adult made it easier to pretend she had any higher ground or more experience emotionally. "I've been small my whole life, until high school where I shot up almost a foot. My weight didn't catch up with me though."

"I had no complaints," she teased. "It would simply have been an issue keeping my paws off of you, growing up together and all."

"Maybe I wouldn't have wanted you to anyway," he countered immediately. "I would have had trouble not wanting to either."

She chuckled softly to herself and leaned her chin on a paw as she typed one-handed. "Tease." This was fun. She couldn't remember the last time she had an easy time talking to anyone, let alone a client. Emotional stuff put aside, Felix was an easy man to like once he got out of his shell. In a world without the weight of expectations or social barriers, she could see a very different future possible for them. A world of fantasy, but still...

"Well, my movie's over," he texted. "I should probably get some sleep...my first day as Executive Director starts in...wow. 3 hours."

Cassandra glanced at the time at the top of her phone. 4:30. "Sorry I kept you up so late," she said, actually feeling a little guilty. "If you're tired your first day on the job, I'll feel bad."

"Hey, I texted you, remember?"

"Touche'" she said. "Have a good night, Mr. Executive Director."

"You too, Cass," he replied. He was typing for a moment more, and then his second text came. Her ears perked up and she smirked, feeling slightly triumphant. "Could...you send me a picture too?"

She chuckled smugly and posed for one, making sure her night-shirt was deliberately held open more than usual, one shoulder strap sliding off and her hair hanging seductively over one eye. "You enjoy that <3," she sent. She yawned loudly, noticing that the message said 'Read' but he didn't seem likely to respond. She smirked again, stood up from her cramped position, and turned off the bathroom light. She climbed back into her bed, making sure not to disturb Tessa, and looked up at the ceiling. Sleep came eventually, her phone turned to silent so that her sneaky roommate didn't have the temptation to read her texts again. She usually didn't mind, but that conversation felt...private. A sad, nostalgic happiness of a life she found she almost wished was real...

Cassandra closed her locker. The school bell rung in the distance, and she looked around. She was back in high school. Anthros and Humans packed the hallway, all wearing the school uniform. She did as well but in her own style. She refused to wear the skirt and blouse that the girls usually did, instead opting for a boy's suit, keeping the jacket open and the sleeves rolled up. She stood a fair few inches taller than most of the boys, only the truly biggest of the males around topped her. Her hair was cut in a punky style, shaved close on one side and the other left to hang raggedly without much care. It was dyed purple on the ends, and she wore dark, gothic makeup.

Most of the students avoided her, which suited her just fine as she flicked her backpack up over one arm and stalked through the halls. Anthros and Humans alike made a path for her, since she was so physically intimidating that it seemed only natural to give her space. A sudden clatter drew her attention and someone rushed up to her side. She blinked in surprise.

Felix panted as he came abreast of her, lengthening his stride to keep up. Together they walked down the hallway, his uniform pristine and pressed while hers remained rumpled. They could not have seemed more different if they had tried. He looked much the same, boyish good looks and innocent smile in contrast with her jaded scowl. She didn't feel the discontent that she did around everyone else. He smiled, said something, and she smiled back.

Her paw reached for his hand as they neared the double doors to the parking lot. His skin was soft, warm, and smooth beneath her rough, scarred pads. His thumb stroked her fur, and his smile made the whole room seem brighter. The other students' faces had blurred into grey blobs, their voices devolving into meaningless background noise. They exited the school, walked down the steps together. They walked towards a beat-up old car, the first one she had ever owned, currently living in a scrap heap back home from when she had been run off the road by some old couple. It even still had the old, green seats and bobble-head dashboard accessories. She unlocked the door, opened it, gestured for him to climb in. The passenger door never worked. The stains in the backseat had been there even when she had bought it.

Felix wasn't there. She turned around. He was reaching for her, face distressed. Blank, grey-skinned dolls, like mannequins, restrained his arms, holding him back. He began to rise on a platform, his uniform transforming into a pin-striped blue suit. His distraught face turned sad, distant, and looked down at her with a lonely longing. His hand still reached for her. She saw his face the way it had been when he had asked her to dance at the motel. His green eyes sparkled. She reached up towards him on the pedestal, crying out his name. She could make it.

Chains lashed around her paws, dragging her back down. She looked at them, rusted lengths of iron. Her parents, her doctors, her 'friends' held them, their blank faces masks of disillusioned concern and smiles, as if they knew what they were doing was best. Her vision blurred, her head swimming and her whole body ached, like back when she had been on drugs for her 'condition'. She looked down at herself. Her uniform had changed too, to a croptop pink shirt that strained around her chest. Her pants had changed into slutty tights and skirts, her beat-up shoes into pumps. Chains led from a building, now far, far below her.

She looked up once more, reaching for Felix. He began to blur as well. She yelled.

Tessa was shaking her awake. "Cass!" she was saying, voice worried. "You were whimpering in your sleep."

The Husky sat up, wiping at her face and sighing. Tessa leaned against her, hugging her. Her head hurt, and her eyes ached with exhaustion and emotion. She said nothing. There was nothing to say. She picked up her phone and saw there was an early message from Felix, at 7:31. It was now 8:42.

"Thank you for last night. I feel normal around you. I only hope you do too."

She laughed, bitterly, and small tears leaked from her jaded eyes, even as Tessa looked on, her expression dearly wishing that she could help. "What even is normal...?" Cassandra asked softly. "Life is never fair..."

"Cass?" the Feline asked softly.

"I didn't know this could hurt so much."

"What does?"

Cassandra looked down at Tessa, turned to face her, and abruptly wrapped her powerful arms around the smaller girl. Tessa stiffened and then returned the embrace.

"Shh..." she whispered up at the Husky woman. "Shh. I know."

Cassandra had not cried into someone's shoulder in over 12 years. She hadn't ever trusted anyone enough to do so, had not even really ever cried since she ran away at 17. This was nothing like the cartoons or movies. It hurt, so much that it was tearing gashes within the very core of her. She didn't go to work that day. Tessa called in as well. There were more important things sometimes.