Back to you

Just a little something I wrote some time ago ✨


This is not part of any of my stories/characters, just a personal writing project/writing practice. Still, I wanted to share it with you 💙

I'd love to know your thoughts ^^


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In the end, I came back to you.

When I met you, I thought you hated me, and I tried to tell myself I hated you too, but I could not live far from you for long. My mind would always come up with excuses to think about you. I was captured by your beauty and your witty and caring personality. Even in the distance, I could feel your warmth.

I admired you and envied you. I wanted to be like you. I wanted to be with you. I felt attracted to you, yet I thought I was disgusting and undeserving of love. Your presence awoke so many emotions in me.

Time passed, and one night, your eyes and mine finally met. A smile appeared on your face, and things started to change. We framed that moment and decorated it with flowers and glasses of wine. We became friends, got closer to each other, and became intimate to a certain extent.

A light would shine in my eyes every time I knew I’d be seeing you, and you didn’t hide the fact that you enjoyed spending time with me. We talked of each other as if there was no one else in the world.

We had something only we understood. You loved playing with me, and I loved to be your toy. I had seen your smile so many times, but I became mesmerized by the idea that I could be the reason for it. I wanted to be, yet I was too afraid to try. Maybe I already was, just like you were the reason for mine, but I could never accept myself as the cause of such a magnificent event.

I kept putting myself down, as I’ve done my whole life.

I can only wonder what could have happened had I not been so scared of losing you. You were my best friend, the first to know the real me and accept me with arms wide open. It was magic when we both talked; my soul resonated with yours, and for moments, I felt at home.

You gave me something I could only dream of. Each day, it seemed like we fitted better and better together. Nobody understood me as you did, and you tried so hard to explain to them who I was so I could be free. You fought for me. I had everything I could ever ask for with you.

I loved every single second your eyes were set on me.. I usually felt like a monster; I didn’t want anyone to see me, but it was different with you. Your gaze was bliss, for you could see beneath my skin. I didn’t have to hide anymore; the mask had been broken by you.

I loved you, even though I never used those words to tell you. You told me those words, even though I wouldn’t believe it.

Each time our eyes locked, the feeling was more desperate, for you knew the time was running out. The tension grew, desire burned, and you came closer and closer, pretending not to notice. I played dumb, too, and I took your hand whenever you offered it.

I tightly hugged you every time your body came towards mine, and I didn’t want to let you go. Not that you wanted to go, anyway. The one thing I didn’t do was kiss you, and I’ll carry that guilt to my grave. Oh, to imagine what could have come after that.

The time ran out. Out of a sense of duty and fear of rejection, I kept quiet. I did not say the words you so desperately wanted to hear, not knowing it was my last chance. All this time, I thought you were the one in control, but I was the one to make this decision.

I let you go.

You’ve caused so much harm. Oh, the damage you’ve done to me, and I fully embrace it and willfully continue to hurt myself. It’s the price I have to pay. If it’s for you, I will gladly comply.

You were my happiest moment, the one I wish had lasted my whole life. I struggle to let you go, for the simple thought of you can make the clouds disappear and bring back the blue sky, at least for a moment.

At least, that’s the illusion I get. It’s all illusions in the end.

You’ve given me life. You’ve kept me alive. You’re a tiny bit of madness, yet you keep me from completely losing my mind.

I want to tell everyone about you, but I can only tell myself the same old stories over and over again because nothing makes me happier, and nothing makes me sadder, than you.

I had to tell myself tales to sleep at night. I’ve dreamt of a world where you stayed, and we finally became more than friends. You’re the dream I don’t want to stop dreaming, but there’s nothing I can do to make it a reality.

I know what I must do. Yet, I know I don’t want to.

Maybe I just need to find a balance between what is and what has been. After all, you’ll always be a part of me, and nothing will change that.

As I drink you in, you breathe me out.

I love you, and, in the end,

I will always come back to you.