Some thoughts

Hey guys, today I'm low energy and sort of stressed. I'll get to everything that I want to talk about after I let you know what I've been up to this week. Also, this is not going to be a positive post, so if you want good feels, this isn't gonna be the post for you, sorry!

What's been happening

I've been insanely busy with schoolwork. I have a couple of projects due every other day: design projects, research papers, speech outlines, quizzes, photography prints and assignments, and all this is gonna get worse in the next couple of weeks. I'm extremely stressed right now because I have a speech to give tomorrow for my communications class; I hate giving speeches with a passion, and I have put this project on the backburner because I've been focusing on all the other design and drawing projects I've had. I need to work on that today and practice it tons and tons to make sure I get a halfway decent grade and peer eval tomorrow. I've also had a drawing portfolio that was worth 200 points due this week, so I was making sure that it was all put together properly. 

I've also been trying to work out for the past two weeks; I've gone to the gym only once, but I've been doing pilates at my dorm. With all the sitting down to work, I've had very little time to walk around and get exercise. I hate working out, but it has been good for my mental health to step away from schoolwork and get rid of all the bad feels through working out. I do feel my legs are getting stronger, which is awesome, but my back and legs and butt have been killing me all week; it's a good burn? I'm just super sore right now.

Speaking of working out, real talk; lots of body insecurity going on in the past couple of weeks. I know everyone struggles with it, but I personally have been feeling it much more viciously than usual. I'm trying to get it under control and I'm just hoping to see results soon.  I've been extremely unhappy with my body in general. It's a horrible mentality, and I want to get rid of it, but it's extremely hard to do so in a society that over-sexualizes women. Woof, this got too real! I'm super sorry. 

I'm the kind of person who needs to find peace and acceptance within myself. Motivational things don't help me so much; I'm really stubborn and trust my mind more than other people, so body positivity online doesn't necessarily help me with my mindset. I'm just going to try super hard to eradicate all these stupid thoughts, but I thought I'd mention it since it is something that I've been focused on a lot and has been negatively impacting me in the past couple of weeks.

What else? Oh boy, about my new Youtube video (and realtime timelapse that I'll post here later today). It's an unfinished piece; I started off really excited for it. I was going to make it this cute mermaid holding an octopus and it was gonna be really adorable and different than what I usually work on, and then things started going wrong. The anatomy of the face is super bizarre and the drawing just looks off. All the drawing's features are off the tiniest bit and the painting isn't salvageable anymore. I've lost interest in it, the colors are not in harmony, and I don't like the anatomy of the body at all. I'm going to post the process for this incomplete piece because 1) I don't have time to record anything better since I have so much work due for tomorrow, and 2) this is kind of a realistic view into how basically every week recording a video is for me. I usually get a good painting on the second or third attempt at recording, but this week, I've had no time to restart. I think the recording has enough interest to be a little insightful into my digital painting process, but that's about it. I'm not in a place mentally to have faith that it will all pull together in the end. I think that I overthink Youtube and it stresses me out more than it should; I'm trying to remember my priorities right now, and those are to finish all my schoolwork for tomorrow.

Last thought! I know very very few people expect or demand content from me. I know that you guys are all extremely supportive of me and that you understand if I don't put out pieces or if I'm just going through a lot. I'm just letting you know all this stuff because Patreon is a place where I want to let you guys know how stuff in my personal life really is. I try to keep Instagram and Youtube (for the most part) pretty feel good and separated from my personal life. I don't think people need to know about all my struggles if they're just looking for my artwork, but Patreon is a "hey, get to know me!" platform for me. Don't worry about me not being okay. If I was in a really bad place, I wouldn't be letting you guys know about any of the things that have been on my mind. I usually shut myself off completely when I'm in a really bad place, so for me, honesty shows that I'm willing to face my feelings and that I want to rectify everything and pull myself together. 

I don't have movies or music this week; I've been supah busy, so I've had no time for either of these. 

I'm sorry if this was a super depressing post. I know I'll feel better after I get all my work done for tomorrow. I just need to get started on it. Thanks for hanging in there! I love you all so so much!

Have a great Sunday!!