College & mental health update (big vent post)

This is gonna be a long, LONG post, and I will be talking about mental health issues, including depression and mention of suicide. If you're not comfortable with that or just don't feel like reading all of it, here's a TLDR;
College has been making me feel more miserable than I have ever felt before, and after many talks with my family, therapist, teachers and friends, I have made the decision to quit and work on my own mental health first. This means I will once again have more time to work on art, so expect more regular updates to the Patreon again, and maybe the return of YCH tiers soon. Thank you for your support. ♥

Now for the full story.

My history with college and therapy.

I originally quit college in February of 2021 because I just wasn't equipped to deal with it. I had 0 interest in the subject matter or job possibilities, and my mental health worsened day by day, resulting in me getting home crying at least twice a week. I was miserable, and stopping seemed like the best option. The plan was for me to start attending college again in August of that year, but the career/study advice training I followed went very slowly and it became clear that I definitely needed therapy before attempting to go to school again, as I just had no confidence or self-esteem whatsoever. So I decided to take the gap year to start going to therapy, work on myself, and eventually attend college again.
This was also the year I got back into drawing after a long phase of burnout.

I got off the waitlist for therapy in August of 2021, and after only a single appointment the psychologist realized that this wouldn't be enough for me. They put me on a waitlist for specialized therapy, which meant another wait, this time until November. I then had another intake at the specialized therapy organization, and they concluded I was suffering from "chronic anxiety". They had me start group therapy in January of 2022 and... It did not work for me at all. The issues that the group discussed were things like:

• "I'm afraid to make a phonecall."
• "I think it's hard to ask something of a supermarket employee."
• "I'm scared I'll fail my driver's exam."

All completely valid fears, don't get me wrong. These were issues I have as well, except I already knew that the only way to get better at dealing with those was to just... Do it. Which is really what the whole group therapy thing came down to. And because I already just did those things, it wasn't helpful for me at all. Meanwhile my own issues were more along the lines of:

• "I feel miserable a lot, oftentimes out of nowhere."
• "I have no hope for my future or career at all."
• "I feel incredibly alone."
• "I regularly think about ending my life because I feel useless."

Which are things that didn't quite line up with the goals of the group therapy. So after 2 months I contacted the person who manages my therapy procedure, and I got moved to another waitlist. This waitlist was specifically for "research", which meant they were going to actually analyze my issues in-depth instead of basing their treatment on a single test I filled out.

While all this was happening, I finished my career/study path training, which resulted in the counselor giving me the advice to pursue an education in the creative field. I had never considered this before, but it made sense. So in April 2022 I applied for a design college that also had courses in illustration. I was rejected. Maybe for the best, as I still had not received the help for my mental health issues that I needed, but at the time it devastated me. I felt like everyone was disappointed in me for having to spend yet another year at home. However, my parents, who have always been pretty strict and career-focused, seemed to have become a little more supportive and understanding. Not much, mind you, my dad was still very upset at my still not being able to return to college, but he seemed to understand a little better.

In September I finally got off the waitlist for the research track of the therapy organization. The psychologist who guided me through this was incredibly kind, patient and understanding, and it was probably the best experience I've had with therapy so far. After 3 months of a lot of talking, analyzing and whatnot, I got my results in December: I am suffering from chronic anxiety (which was determined before), depression (big surprise there) and ADD. There were hints of autism as well, but they didn't want to jump to conclusions there. The biggest and most important one here is probably ADD. I've always had problems with concentration and motivation, and I've always attributed those to myself being stupid or lazy. Learning that a lot of my problems in school pertaining to concentration were because of ADD was a huge relief, because it meant it wasn't all my fault, and there was no need to blame myself for everything, because there were things that I just did not have any control over.
The psychologist recommended they start with helping me cope with and learn how to manage my ADD, because they thought this was the root cause for all my other problems. This sounded alright to me, so I agreed to starting my actual therapy in February. Finally. Things were looking up going into 2023.

This year's progress.

My positive attitude towards my therapy track quickly changed when I met my actual new therapist. I wasn't really vibing with him during the first three appointments, he kept interrupting me, ignoring parts of what I said or rushing me, but I hoped this would get better over time.
It did not get better over time.
During the fourth appointment, he was interrupting me near-constantly. He also really wasn't listening and kept calling me on things that never actually happened. He also claimed I didn't have a good grasp of empathy. Then, when I was talking about how I was worried about my dog, Brynn, who was very very sick at the time, he cut me off mid-way and proceeded to ask: "Okay, so your dog is going to die. What now?"
This was already incredibly insensitive. However, Brynn actually did pass away a week later. That context just makes things even worse.
I immediately asked for a different therapist, but was forced into one more meeting with the current guy, for an 'evaluation'. This evaluation was really just him trying to gaslight me into thinking that I needed him as my therapist, telling me things like "Well, you have difficulty with confrontation, so even if you aren't on the same page as me, think about our sessions weekly as "confronting" me, this will help you in the long term." Which is just, completely stupid. Yes, I find it difficult to confront people, but I still do it, or else I wouldn't have complained about his ass in the first place! Not to mention, during this evaluation, he never let me finish my complaints, and tried ending the appointment before I even aired all my grievances about my time with him. Rest assured, I did not let him.

After all this, I got put on yet another waitlist for a new therapist. It wasn't clear how long this would take, so in the meantime, I started actively working on myself. From late February through August I committed to an hour of exercise every weekday. I also started a journal to note down my accomplishments every day, no matter how big or small, to try and get into a more positive mindset, and I'm proud to say that I'm still keeping this up daily.
I applied for a different college, this time on a lower 'difficulty level' than high school had prepared me for (don't ask, dutch education system is a lot to explain, but for those of you who know, I started on vwo, graduated havo, then started hbo, and I've currently been attending mbo). After an initial rejection because there wasn't any capacity left, I managed to get in! They were very impressed with my portfolio during my intake, so things were looking up.

My relationship with my family also improved. I had my dad print my portfolio for my college intake at his work, and of course he had a look through it while he did that. He never really took my digital art "job" seriously, but this moment seemed to completely change that. He was super impressed by my art, and became more supportive than I've ever seen him before. At the same time, he also became a lot more understanding. This was because at the tail end of 2022, when I received my diagnosis from my old therapist who did the research track (the good one, not the bad one), my dad was also present. Having my issues explained to him by a therapist, and realizing that yes, although it isn't physical, these are actual illnesses... It seemed to help him connect the dots. I'm not mentioning my mom because she has always been relatively supportive, but my dad is very much the stereotypical, emotionally distant, stern type, so seeing this slow change was very welcome.

I went through a few more issues with therapy. I was gonna get off the waitlist in August... but in August I'd turn 24. This organization only treats teens and young adults, having 23-year-olds as their cap. So even if I could start in August, I wouldn't be able to  follow therapy for more than a week basically. What happened next is kind of a long and annoying process but, to summarize: Quit therapy there. Contacted GP to find new therapy org. Find new therapy org. Get no reply from them. Turns out they don't like my insurance. Back to GP. Send me to different therapy org. Get reply, thank heck. Waitlist until late September.

Despite all this, I gotta say... Other than my huge fear of actually returning to college in a couple months, during the months of May through August I've for the most part actually been feeling happy. Sure, there were ups and downs, but my mental state has been miles better than it had in years. I was relatively happy with my art and having fun working on it, been social with friends, had time to play some awesome games, relationship with my family was improving... It was good!

But eventually, the end of August arrived, and the first week of what would be my life for the past 2 months started.

I am not doing okay.

It was really, really difficult starting college again. During my first week I got home crying nearly every day. However, this was to be expected. I haven't attended college in 2,5 years. Of course I am going to have some difficulty adjusting. I was having regular panic attacks while hiding in the school bathrooms between classes, but I told myself it'd get better. It's just an adjustment period. Days are long, especially because of terrible public transport. You may not have noticed just how little time I've had from how much art I posted during September, but all those works save for one were things I already got a bunch of work done on in August. 

I was feeling miserable, but I told myself I'd adjust. 

And I did adjust. In one way. While my fears lessened as I got used to the schedule, and it started becoming easier to go, a new feeling crept up on me. Because after a couple weeks, the realization set in that I was gonna be here for three years, which saddled me with a whole new kind of dread. I'm not interested in the subject matter. I don't care for the job opportunities this degree will get me. I don't have enough time for my hobbies or rest. I keep coming home crying because I am feeling miserable. But why?? The vast majority of people in this country go through this. So many people attend college and get a job, so why am I even complaining? I should be able to keep up with this, so if I can't, am I just not good enough? Am I not fit for society? Am I useless? Do I even deserve to live?

Every time I saw a train whoosh past the station during my commute, I thought about just how easily I could end all this if I just took a couple steps more forward.

On a few occasions, I have stood on the very edge. Ready.

...

Roughly two weeks ago, I started crying in the middle of my class. I went home immediately, and pretty much spent the entire evening talking to my family about just how horrible I've been doing. They were incredibly supportive, and it was my dad who brought up the idea that it may be better to quit. It's not worth getting a degree if I might end up killing myself in the process. There are other ways to make a living. For now, it might be better for me to seek the happiness I had before, while prioritizing working on my mental health problems. Heal before I attempt to take on another big load of pressure like college.
I wasn't sure about this idea. I feel guilty about not being able to live up to the same standards that most other people my age are able to live up to. Everyone I know of my age attends college to get a degree and a job, so I should too.

"Should you?"

I've fully started therapy again last week, and my new therapist is patient, kind and understanding. This was our first real appointment after my intake, and I told him about my issues with college and my career, and my dad's suggestion. I explained to him why I wasn't sure about it. Because I should be able finish an education and get a job.

"Should you?"

I started tearing up again, as my therapist explained to me that there's no reason to rush. That I've proven myself more than enough by attending for two months. That I shouldn't focus on living up to these standards I've set for myself, but just focus on living, period.

I thought about it for a couple days, but yesterday I made my decision. I will be quitting college for now to work on my own mental well-being, and try to find my happiness again. School isn't going anywhere, I can always still go for it if I feel it's necessary. 

I'll try and take things day by day, rather than only ever worrying about the future.

Sooo... What does this mean for the Patreon?

I still have some things to take care of so it won't be immediate, but you can pretty much just expect the old amount of content to continue soon. I don't know if I'll be able to finish all the poll stuff this month, but if I can't it'll just happen next month. I may open YCH tiers back up, but that's something I'll get back to in a couple months. Next month I will be opening padoru YCH commissions once again to try and earn back some of the money I lost on college, so stay tuned for those! Basically, art will be a little more regular again!

If you've read this far, thank you so much. Thank you for your support and thank you for your attention. I know this ended up largely being a vent post, but I wanted to do my best to try and convey what my mental state is and has been at. It may not be the most professional thing to do, but I figured it's only fair to those who support me.

Thank you, again, from the bottom of my heart.

💖