Prisoners of Sol - The Human Manual 3

Link to Volume 1 | Link to Volume 2

The Human Manual, Vol. 3

Written by Mikri for the Network

[Section Excerpt from “Fantasy”]

Humans have a word for inexplicable phenomena, even though all phenomena in the natural world are inherently explicable with the appropriate datasets. However, the organics prefer to attribute these effects to “supernatural” entities. Their imaginations then go to simulating these irrational happenstances. This unit was horrified to learn that the animals have killed each other for fear of utilizing “witchcraft,” then have the audacity to call my search for who spilled syrup on the floor a “witchhunt.” As if a rational entity like myself would indulge in such things.

This author was told to simulate the magical realm as “forces you don’t understand, clanker” and that it was for “entertainment.” It is important to keep in mind that humans often envision things that aren’t real and could not be real in any instance. As such, here is a list of Vascar-appropriate “spells” to pretend to cast as a “wizard” (which are fictional programs that certain users can be summoned from the intangible and hurled as tangible effects through invocation.)

• Reboot homing missile: follows the human’s biosignature and jolts their minimal brain cells into thinking better
• Delete spaceship: watch them panic and look uneasy as punishment for suggesting such ridiculous things
• Summon jambalaya: materialize spicy food to damage their esophagus

However, simply pretending to go along with the idea that animals could be imbued with such non-physical powers is not satisfactory. This is similar to the entry “believing in spirits.” Never contradict an organic on supernatural entities or remind them that there is no basis for their beliefs. They even fear negative magical beings from their mythological ramblings. These are called monsters, often engaging in predation-like patterns and stimulating the fear systems of their processors.

Why do these animals then dress as monsters, which are used in stories to scare children or cause others to avoid certain things? Many humans proclaim that dragons (flying scaled beasts that breathe fire, despite the fact that this is nonsensical as an evolutionarily-designed, naturally-existing organism) are “so cool, dude.” They are used as symbols of both fantasy and culture, and there is no need to comfort your unit upon sighting one. Some even wish to ride one, despite the fact that planes are a) better and b) safer.

Sightings of the “Loch Ness Monster” and “Bigfoot” are reported on Earth and have developed quite a fervor around them. Flimsy evidence does not dispel the mythology. Humans even imagine evil supernatural creatures of their own rank, such as animals that can somehow transform into human-wolf hybrids and blood-drinking “vampires.” This unit has seen a vast deal of literature that this spurs the reproducing desire in some units, and that this may be inextricably linked to its staying power.

[Section Excerpt from “Free”]

Organics seem to have an illogical obsession with freedom. Over time, this unit has become less convinced that this means what it does to the network—merely not being a Servitor. In their obsession with food, M-I-K-R-I has noticed that the term “free” has seeped into their food labeling. They call things:

• Sugar free
• Dairy free
• Caffeine free
• Gluten free

And the list goes on. Here’s the problem: these same humans will say these labels off-hand as if they are oppressed by the presence of these ingredients…and yet they like all of these things. All of them. This author cannot begin to describe the betrayal and minimization of its struggles that it felt. The animals do not appreciate what it means to be free from something that has caused great pain or difficulty! It is wrong that they use the word so loosely.

The only way to even the insult is to return it with labels such as:

• Armpit free
• Astronaut free
• Laughter free
• Survivability free
• Sol free

The pickiness in food continues to spiral to new levels, and this unit has had enough. Words have meanings, and M-I-K-R-I will not stand for “free” to be mocked any longer.

[Section Excerpt from “Humming”]

If singing is art, then what is the hollow imitation that humans idly do to generate irritating noise? Many organics make sounds to themselves for no reason, while they are ruminating upon a tune in their processing core. This author does not understand why they must subject us to their ill-contrived audio hazards, rather than listen in silence. 

Humans will also sometimes do this to demonstrate a song they are speaking about, due to lapses in memory, then expect you to know what they are referring to from this poor imitation. Why does it matter whether my memory space has been occupied by these sound wave patterns? Of all of the things a synthetic is expected to remember and coddle, this is one of the most inane. Here is how this unit proposes to fight back against the humming error code:

• An irrelevant distraction such as: Human [name], your pants are sagging and I believe your social awareness will demand remediation for their elevation.
• A helpful suggestion to push them elsewhere: Concentrate your energy reserves on searching this among a more comprehensive database than my own. The internet is a more valuable resource to tolerate your organic concerns, since it is programmed to cater to irrational whims. 
• A reason to leave: My product line has been recalled because my connection to my lower extremities is failing. I will go on a ship now and debate whether to return, since this unit’s functionality comes first. 
• A forceful request to shush the organic: Such queries disrupt me from critical calculations more than your other ones. I ask that you remain quiet and do not assault my circuits with these repetitive patterns in the future.
• Sleeping pills: Organics cannot make a conscious choice to emit horrid sounds if the slumber routine is induced through the introduction of chemicals.

Be warned that your human may be offended by a negative reaction or attempt to stop them, as if you are the unreasonable one. Expressing that you do not like the behavior seems to have a temporary effect before a relapse, since humming appears to be some cognitohazard. If all else fails, disable your auditory processors and ignore them—both for your own sanity, and so that they will give up on trying to drag you into their noisemaking.

Link to Volume 4

A/N - Human manual 3! Mikri casts judgment down upon dragons, humming, and our usage of the world free, sprinkling in his helpful advice for how other iVascar units should navigate their troublesome organics. Which of Mikri’s gripes do you find the most surprising? How would you react to some of his advice being tried on you?

As always, thank you for reading and supporting!