Things Cis Men Should Know About Clitoral Orgasms

• The female orgasm is like Nineties Tomb Raider: If you fuck it up, you have to start from the beginning again. This is why sjamboks were invented, so don’t fuck it up, Jack. It will hurt.
• Women are like Nineties Tomb Raider, too. If you’ve mastered Sarah’s vagina and start dating Jackie, you're officially a beginner again. You have to learn about every new body you touch. Having 20 exes doesn't make you 20 times more skilled at sex. It makes you skilled at sex with 20 women.
• There are exactly 6 million kinds of female orgasms. The second one isn’t always the same as the first. Some of us aren’t happy until Orgasm #2... or Orgasm #5. The clit doesn’t even produce the same orgasms from the same spots. For many of us, glans orgasms are inferior, so just because Susan liked it this way, doesn’t mean I do.
• Excessive orgasms aren’t the flex you think they are. If your ego is shooting for 20 of them, ask if she’s into it for crying in a fuck-it. Twenty orgasms are the fastest way out of Sexville for me. They’re exhausting, unpleasant, and colder than a well-digger’s ass. If I see a cock at that point, I’m taking out my sjambok and heading to the kitchen for Nutella hot chocolate.
• No. Nutella hot chocolate isn’t a euphemism for sex. Get away from me right now.
• The deep, rumbly roar of an expensive vibe motor is well worth the investment, and by that I mean Fun Factory. Apparently, some women like toys that suck. I don’t know what kind of aliens those women even are, but they say we’re all different. Imagine that!
• I am, however, correct about which buzzy toys are the best.
• Medication can affect orgasms, even after you’ve stopped taking them. Prozac is one of the better-known orgasm killers, so stop blaming her. Some patients never recover their ability to orgasm.
• Since we’re on the subject, practicing orgasm denial with an anorgasmic person is like replacing a watering hole with wine. Chardonnay might seem sexy to you, but if she’s been wandering the desert for three days, she won’t care what vintage it is. She'll just want fucking water.
• Please stop treating our orgasms as ego fodder. We didn’t come to prove your talents. We are human beings.
• For some of us, orgasm training feels like Saturday morning puppy class. It's not a universal kink, so don't treat it as such.
• You can stimulate a clit through a vagina if you understand female anatomy. Kindly run a Google image search because if you don’t know how to find it, you can’t very well master it, now can you, Jack?
• No. No, you can’t. Stoppit. I’m still drinking my hot chocolate. Go read Grey’s Anatomy or something.