Extrovert's Contract for Associating With an Introvert

The following agreement outlines the EXTROVERT’S duties towards the INTROVERT. The EXTROVERT is obliged to strictly comply with the provision of agreement.

1.1. The extrovert shall warn the introvert of an impending visit by calling five months ahead.

1.2. The extrovert shall warn the introvert of an impending phone call by texting five months ahead.

1.3 The extrovert shall warn the introvert of an impending text by sending his intentions out via the psychic ether.

2.1. If the introvert realises they’re only on Day One of a three day social commitment, the extrovert shall provide immediate trauma counselling.

2.2. The introvert does not understand the term “group holiday” because she’s not into the kind of sick shit you extroverts are into.

3.1. The extrovert shall not, at any time, touch the introvert’s favourite cushion. The cushion is sacred. If it makes contact with an extrovert, it will dissolve into a cushiony puddle of gloop, and the introvert shall require inpatient treatment to recover.

3.2.  If the introvert says hello to your dog, it isn’t grounds for a human conversation. Rather just look quietly into the distance until the introvert is finished giving skritches.

3.3.  The introvert shall, without warning, transform into an extrovert with the right kinds of people. If you find this alarming, approach slowly while waving a Sylvia Plath collection.

3.4. If the extrovert stays overnight, he shall provide kinky sex, then immediately leave the premises. He shall not stay for breakfast because introverts don’t need that kind of drama in their lives.

4.1. These are valid reasons for not answering the phone:

- Napping.

- Thinking about maybe mopping the floor.

- Literally spoke to someone on the phone, like, 10 days ago.

- Isn’t into that kind of weird shit.

- Is thinking about whether their “hello” text from four years ago was friendly enough.

4.2. So was it friendly enough? This is a legitimate question.

4.3. Don’t worry. I didn’t realise that asking the question would require me to speak to a human.