All Hail the Tricksy Wank Fodder Hunter

You know the guy: He’s not in your inbox to extract personalised smut, just to ask your advice about the humiliating three way he had with his girlfriend and a guy with a huge cock. He’d never seen her cum so much, and he has a hundred other adjectives to run through before he poses the question: “What should I do?”

He hasn’t written to you to goad you into typing out your sexual fantasies (in a totally platonic way, of course.) He’s genuinely curious about the sexy information you left out of your last post. His interest in your life is limited to lustful, throbbing genitals, even though he’s really just making friendly conversation. Doesn’t everybody describe their girlfriend’s breasts in minute detail when requesting relationship advice? Doesn’t everyone talk in smutty adjectives when they’re commenting on your writing style?

He’s not trying to manipulate you. He really is mad about you, he swears it. He’s never met a woman like you before, so give him the opportunity to masturbate - I mean show you the twue-ness of his heart. Then he can finally send you a photograph of his platonic, totally unsexual erection.

I’ll take your garden variety “Wanna fuck” message over these ones every day of the week. At least *that* guy is honest, even if he makes your inbox smell like a gym locker and exercises his sense of entitlement in all things.

The tricksy type assumes you’re stupid enough to fall for such opacity, and that’s just offensive. He’s manipulative, but too bad at it to actually manipulate anyone. He wants something of us, but he’s incapable of getting it respectfully. He spends so much time gathering smut that he’s not been outside for half a century, which is just as well because if he tried walking ‘round the block, he’d probably get lost.

None of this is sexy. None of it’s attractive. None of it is authentic. None of it is effective.