Things You Should Know About Your First BDSM Party

• Not all play parties are raging orgies, so button up your jorts, Caligula. The kink scene isn’t a doorway into PornHub. Bodily fluids are strictly controlled and orgiesque events smell like Clorox. Mmmm! Sexy! You might see shagging people, but that doesn’t mean they want to shag you. Sex might also be banned in public areas. Check the rules before you put on that condom.
• That’s not to say your fantasies can’t come true. Some parties do offer group sex with svelte models. They cost tens of thousands of dollars to attend. If your crypto investment worked out exactly as you thought it would, you can order Eyes Wide Shut off the menu.
• But your crypto investment didn’t really work out exactly as you thought it would, did it, Jack? Sorry. It will have to be Clorox.
• Every city has its own kink biome. In Ohio, they’re polite and respectful of your space, so they’ll stand two kilometres away from your scene whispering about peanut butter M&Ms. In Cape Town, every single person at the party will pull up a chair five minutes before your scene is scheduled to start. We’re polite, though. We didn’t bring popcorn, now did we? In Missoula, the real party is the afterparty, where they mainly sit around naked singing Sesame Street Songs while someone does rope. The only way to figure out the culture of your city is to save your jort removal for next month when you have a better idea of what’s expected of you.
• There might be toys to buy!!! So many toys!!! Some will be hand-made, so bring cash. YOU WILL WANT TO BUY SOMETHING.
• Party organisers spend a lifetime wrangling cats—I mean kinky folk—into events. There are screenings and cancellations and entitled assholes and Karens. Party organisers are very, very tired. If they look irritated, it’s not because you’re wearing jorts. Just go with it. One day one might smile at you. You never know.
• Some of the people you meet at BDSM parties might be into pickup play, but most will not. Negotiations, STI checks, and screens take time, so the odds of having an unplanned gang bang are low. If that’s what you’re after, a swingers’ event might suit you better.
• Some parties will screen you. I once had to provide a copy of my ID a week before a party. Most of the events I’ve done haven’t been that hectic, though, so don’t lose your jorts.
• Why are you wearing jorts anyway? Were you born in the Seventies?
• The worst part of attending your first kink event is the hour before it starts. You'll realise you haven’t entered a house full of piranhas five minutes after you arrive. Then, once you’ve done kink events for six months, you'll realise you did, indeed, enter a house full of piranhas. By then, you’ll love us, though, so no problemo.