Performance Review

[6 word request: Musclemen barking for big sweaty feet]

Oh, hey there! Good to see you, big guy. Don’t hang around in my office doorway all day. Come on in!

What’s up with you? You look nervous. Looks weird to see a guy your size looking like he’s waiting for dad to get home and punish him. Take it easy! You’re making quite a name for yourself as Global Gym’s Assistant Manager. That’s right, big fella. There are a lot of reasons for you to be proud. Your work’s been exemplary lately, let me tell you.

Since I have you here, how do you feel about doing your quarterly review? Aw, don’t tense up on me, big fella. Just relax. It’s mostly just paperwork stuff, for HR and to determine pay raises and such. Your file’s got mostly good feedback in it, so let’s just take a look, shall we?

Oh, right here on top, here’s documentation about a dispute you settled. Seems big old Rocko thought his account was doublecharged--y’know, he pulls that shit once a year. He gets extra tough to be around when he starts hitting the tren really hard, and for a dude the size of a truck, that can be pretty anxiety inducing. I’ve seen guys in your position before that crumbled under the pressure of dealing with that big angry buffalo! But it says here you handled the situation diplomatically and without incident. Good god, I think I may nickname you the Roidhead Whisperer if you keep that kind of stuff here.

Oh, look at this, here’s some data on our membership increases. Well well well--if this is correct, you were personally responsible for recovering twelve cancelled memberships. That’s a big deal! Not only did you increase revenue, but all those guys had to pay their new membership fees all over again. Quite a boost for our bottom line! And membership lately is up 25%? I can’t say that’s not due to your marketing efforts, buddy. Really really great stuff.

So far, everything here just makes me happy to have you on the team! As owner, I like to have a great relationship with my--UNGH… oh, yeah, right there. Nice. Unfh… Fuck, hitting my good spots, aren’t you?

What’s that? Oh, don’t look so confused. I’ve got a little secret under my desk is allI’ll let you in on it after we’re done with the review.

Okay, now, here’s something I have to ask you about: right here, your boss Luke says you were interrogating members about some after hours activity going on at the gym. Looks like, what was it… two weeks ago?... you came back to the gym for some reason and found some gym members in the gym after we were closed. Let’s talk about that. Who’d you find here?

Uh-huh. Leo and Bruce, hm? Yeah, the usual suspects. See, Leo and Bruce are two of our best trainers, so I gave them each a copy of the gym key to use however they see fit. Bruce, y’know, is no small man--I’d say he’s the biggest bodybuilder at Global Gym, wouldn’t you? Easily. Up over 320 pounds, looking like a goddamned living breathing photoshop! Anyway, guy’s workouts are so intense he makes even competitive athletes nervous when he starts deadlift. Bruce likes to squat until he pukes, and that can be a real turnoff. Trust me, it’s better that he’s here after hours.

As for Leo, well, you’ve seen him, right? He keeps his physique ripped up and freaky year-round. I mean, for hardcore athletes, there’s no better gym than Global, but even our most dedicated members get a little put-off by how hard Leo… Oh, yeah, fuck… yeah, suck that big toe… get at it with your tongue… good boy… gooooood boy…

Anyway, sorry… where was I? Oh yeah, so Leo’s workouts… Wait, what’s with the look? Oh, you’re really dying to know what’s going on under my desk, hm? Well, we have one last thing to cover.

This last sheet in your file is an email you sent. Recognize this little piece of paper? Aw, c’mon, don’t get shy on me now, big guy. Looks like you sent an e-mail to Luke last week asking what you should do about an incident that occurred… Wednesday, looks like. You came in to find Chet Anderson, local powerlifting champ, on all fours in the lobby after hours. You want to talk about this?

What’s that? Oh, Chet seemed like he was on drugs or something? Totally unresponsive and out of it. Hm. Well, it seems we--you and I, that is--are at a crossroads here. You seem like an honorable guy, but if I let you into the inner circle of my business, I want to know how you’re going to handle it. If you see something going on that you don’t completely understand, I can’t have you running to someone else about it. Understand?

Well, I think it’s time. Come around my desk, big guy. Take a look at what I’ve got under here--or rather, who.

Look at that! You recognized Rocko right away, even with his pup hood on. Yeah, big dope isn’t so mean when he’s like this, are you boy? Rocko, say hello to my assistant manager. Oh, wow! Sorry about that. Big guy doesn’t realize just how huge he is, and he gets really excited about strangers. Rocko, you sit down NOW, boy! That’s a good pup.

So, what do you think? I want your honest reactions, because you look kind of pale.

Ah, that’s… a lot of questions. Let me see what I can do to answer this as best I can: some members of this gym just need a little… extra conditioning. See, Rocko’s been an upper tier bodybuilder for years, but his temper always got the better of him. Guy just gets in his own way! So for guys like Rocko, we here at Global offer something a little extra. After his latest tirade--which you defused beautifully, by the way--I invited Rocko into my office, offered him a special kind of steroid that eased off all that extra energy and made him susceptible to… some extra instruction.

See, I’ve got a lab underneath the gym--nothing fancy, just a private, one-man operation, which you’ll get to see if you play your cards right--and I’ve cooked up a new kind of steroid. It’s 20% more effective than the usual gear these guys are running but it puts their brains in a little box. You see, their brains are what gets in the way! So once they’ve had a shot or two of my special stuff, I just expose them to the reagent and it locks that box up tight.

Take a look at big Rocko here. Look at him, drooling all over the place. He’ll hump the shit out of your leg, too, if you’re not careful. Big angry Rocko is still in there, of course, in a kind of dreamlike state. With the right command, he’ll snap out of it and turn back to his old self, but you see, he can’t ever talk about what happened. It’s part of the whole process. When I let Rocko’s human brain back out, he’ll go about his life remembering every minute of being on all fours, getting walked around on a leash, and sucking on my big sweaty feet like he’s sucking on a big juicy bone… But he can’t say or do a thing about it. He’ll come back to the gym--a hell of a lot nicer, of course--and go about his workouts, knowing that with a snap of my fingers he’ll be naked, like he is now, and on all fours, following my every command… but big Rocko will always be helpless to it.

What’s with that look you’re giving me? I’m not only relieving Rocko of his self-destructive tendencies, I’m also boosting his bodybuilding career. You just watch: within a year, he’ll be in mindblowing shape, blowing minds on stage and completely dominating the bodybuilding world. And he’ll be grateful for what I’ve done. Sucking on my toes--and loving every minute of it--will be a small price to pay for saving his career. Oh, you don’t believe me? Well, I’ve done this for years, buddy. Jay Cutler? Flex Lewis? Joey Swoll? That’s right. Every one of them has been collared, on all fours and wagging their big overgrown behinds like friendly little puppies.

You wouldn’t believe what a docile little pup Cutler is. In fact, just two weeks ago, big old Joey got real horny and bred Cutler good. I’ve got a video of them rutting if you want to see. It’s beautiful--like two rhinoceroses going at it, all that massive muscle flexing and lunging and sweating… It’s funny to see Jay Cutler taking it like the bitch he is. Oh, of course I don’t mean “bitch” in a bad way--he’s one of the most award-winning bitches in my stable!

Come over here and give Rocko a pat on his big back. Rub his belly! Yeah, that’s right. Look at his leg kick. Big dumb puppy. I bet deep down, Rocko’s cursing out my name, but there’s not a damned thing he can do about it. That’s right, Rocko… Aw, look, that dick’s swelling up! Man, that buttplug tail of his isn’t helping with that. Keeps the guy super-stimulated all the time.

So, what do you think? You say the word, and I’ll give you Luke for the weekend. You can have that guy sleeping at the foot of your bet, slobbering all over those big feet of yours. Have him eat out of a bowl. When he’s normal again, he’ll still be your boss, but he’ll know deep down that YOU’RE the master, and he’s just your obedient pup. I guarantee it’ll change your relationship on a fundamental level, and on the weekends you can have his big college-lineman-muscle-butt wagging every time you ask him if he, “wants walkies.”

So what do you think?

Hunh.

I have to say, I’m a little disappointed. I’m usually a good judge of character, and when I interviewed you for the job, I just knew you’d be the perfect apprentice for what I do, carrying on my work even after I’m gone. What a shame. But this isn’t a total waste though.

Hm? Well, you can leave whenever you want. Rocko, down boy! Aw, Rocko gets a little possessive. Clearly he likes you and wants you to stick around. Rocko, SIT! That's a good boy. Heel, boy. Ha. What a dumb animal. Anyway, when you’re ready, walk out that door.

What are you waiting for? Ah, seems weird I would just let you leave after all you’ve seen, right? Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret: I went through your locker and switched out your supplements with a special blend I cooked up. Yeah, you’ve been ingesting my special concoction for some time now. I always have a contingency plan, just in case.

So I want you to listen to my voice. That’s right, just the sound of my voice. Your whole body is getting numb now. That’s it, all those big muscles are turning to jello. That overactive mind of yours, always thinking yourself into bad situations, is going to sink down now. Lower and lower. You’re gonna sink deeper into yourself than you’ve ever been before.

Aw, look how excited Rocko’s getting! He looks like he’s ready to have a new playmate.

That’s right. Now that deep, dark place your mind is in, we’re just going to lock it up tight. You feel it, boy? The inner animal is asserting himself. You look silly up on two legs, boy. You can’t stay that way for long.

Oops--there you go. You okay, boy? Aw, poor pup. Somebody dressed you up in people clothes as a joke. Let me just take these scissors and snip away here… that’s it, aw, good. I bet you feel much better. You look confused though, boy. Your first day as a dumb pup, everything is a new experience!

Aw, look at you, drooling over my big hairy feet. YOu just want to lick every inch of them, don’t you? All my pups do. But daddy’s feet are only a treat for good boys. And you’ve been a naughty boy, sticking your pup nose where it doesn’t belong.

Don’t whimper, now. I’ll teach you to be obedient. You’ll be one of my favorite pups, I just know it. Aw, look at Rocko! He sure is horny! He looks like he wants to breed that big musclebutt of yours. And after he dumps a nice hot load in you, I’ll plug you up with your new tail and I’ll take my two pups out for a nice long walk. Then you can come home and slobber all over daddy’s feet.

Doesn’t that sound nice?