Hard Digest August 27: Early Access John Mellencamp, Techno, CNN, and More

John Mellencamp Autobiography Contains Four Chapters About Other Things He Likes to Do With Chili Dogs

By Chris Bowen

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Legendary blue-collar rocker John Mellencamp released his autobiography entitled “Hurt So Good: The John Mellencamp Story” in which he dedicated four whole chapters to chili dogs, denim-clad sources report.

“People don’t realize, but ‘Jack’ in ‘Jack and Diane’ is about me, and so is the part about suckin’ on chili dogs. Suckin’ on ‘em is just one of the things I love to do with ‘em,’” Mellencamp explained. “In the past, I’ve been known to huff chili dogs, snort chili dogs, and even boof the bad boys. That part is in chapter 5, the same chapter where I talk about leaving my first true love Lucy on account of her not wanting to incorporate chili dogs in the bedroom. There ain’t nothin’ anyone with a chili dog can’t do, and that includes writing a line in a timeless hit song about ‘em.”

Mellencamp’s editor Eliza Donald had some apprehension about the book containing several chapters on chili con carne-based hot dogs.

“John’s story is an all-American, working class-underdog journey that could inspire so many struggling people these days, but I’m afraid four chapters on chili dogs will most definitely overshadow all of that,” Donald said while visibly frustrated. “I begged him to just put a paragraph or even one chapter, but he insisted on how pivotal they are to his story. I had to draw the line at including an entire epilogue about his highly specific food proclivities. I’ve been an editor for a long time, and this could be the most embarrassing chili dog-related content I’ve ever seen.”

According to some historians, several musicians throughout American popular culture have had suggestive lines in their music that reflect their real lives.

“A lot of popular artists such as Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan pen lines in their songs that highlight some sort of bizarre aspect of their lives,” music historian Richard Stapp explained. “‘A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall’ by Bob Dylan is famously known for being about Dylan’s struggle with urinating with kidney stones. Springsteen’s ‘I’m On Fire’? Everyone knows that’s about the time he set his kitchen ablaze by putting a Ramen Noodle cup in the microwave with no water in it. However, Mellencamp’s ‘chili dog’ obsession is a mystery to me, and I can’t wait to read the book and find out!”

At press time, Ocar Meyer and Mellencamp signed a $2 million dollar deal in order to help with his book publicity.

My Top Five Favorite Techno Songs and Why They’re All the Mortal Kombat Theme Song

By Zack Zagranis

Most techno music to me sounds like someone force-feeding a crushed-up mixture of crystal meth and ecstasy to an NES, a cacophony of bleeps and bloops hammering your ears at 150 beats per minute. It’s not my favorite genre, in case you couldn’t guess. There are, however, a few techno songs I not only tolerate but actually go out of my way to listen to. Here are my five favorite techno songs, and by five I mean one, and by one I mean “Techno Syndrome” by the Immortals, aka the Mortal Kombat Theme Song.

5. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

The Mortal Kombat Theme Song goes hard. If you need to be pumped the fuck up, nothing does the job better than hearing a grown man shouting the name of a 1992 Sega Genesis game at the top of his lungs. While the beginning synth notes get my blood pumping, it’s not until someone screams, “MORTAL KOMBAT!” that the song reaches into my chest and rips my still bleeding heart out of my chest. Fatality, indeed.

4. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

The Mortal Kombat Theme slaps. Almost all of the lyrics are just the names of the characters repeated over and over. Look, I’m in my mid-40s and only getting older. My memory isn’t what it used to be, and now and then I need to be reminded, “Hey, whose that blue ninja with the ice powers? Freezy McCold or whatever? Oh yeah, Sub-Zero, duh!”

3. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

This is my favorite techno song because it implores me to test my might. You’re favorite techno song wants you to check out the “funk soul brother.” We are not the same. Violence is cool. I don’t give a shit about dropping the bass, I’m all about dropping motherfuckers, preferably with a fireball or well-timed spear throw. I’ve tried listening to other EDM like Moby and Fatboy Slim, and while I admit the beats are catchy, the lyrics feature a distinct lack of ninjas capable of ripping one’s spine out of their body, skull still attached.

2. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

Nostalgia is a hell of a drug. I’m a ‘90s kid, and the Mortal Kombat Theme reminds me of a simpler time. A time when men were men and women blew kisses made of napalm that melted the flesh off the bones of those men.

1. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

The Mortal Kombat Theme Song is the perfect techno song — scratch that, perfect song — for any occasion. Funeral? Who doesn’t want their casket lowered into the ground while someone shouts “Finish him!” over a hard-driving beat? Wedding? You owe it to your spouse to walk down the aisle while someone chants, “uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh,” in the background. Personally, I like to put it on in the background while I’m having sex and time my climax so that I finish when the announcer says “Scorpion.” No particular reason, it’s just a vibes thing.

There you have it. Proof that the techno genre peaked with 1994’s “Techno Syndrome” by the Immortals, better known as the Mortal Kombat Theme Song. Before I go, I’d like to leave you with a few inspirational lyrics: “Kano, Liu Kang, Raiden, Johnny Cage.”

CNN Premium Subscribers Given News Stories a Week Early

By Rob Steinberg

ATLANTA — Major media outlet CNN began offering news stories a week early for subscribers to their premium service, confirmed sources who still weren’t interested.

“We feel it’s important for our paid subscribers to get something extra for their patronage,” CNN CEO Mark Thompson explained. “We have our best psychics and precogs working around the clock for the best premium content that our patrons can talk about in our discord. And if that doesn’t cut it, we just kind of guess what’s going to happen based on a hunch. Not to mention we also have subscription tiers! Each month our exclusive members will get personalized articles such as who at their job hates them or how they are going to die. You can also see our anchors try funny foreign snacks!”

CNN’s staff is not exactly excited for the bonus content.

“Oh boy, more work for us to do. Can’t wait!” reported journalist Craig Lowe. “You know how hard it is to get your news reports when your sources are from people who prophesize the future? Sometimes it’s ‘The man in purple will light three fires of metal and blood’ and then my boss just turns to me and goes ‘translate that.’ Next thing I know I’m up all night reading about symbol interpretations. Most of the time though I’m thumbing through old episodes of ‘The Simpsons’ for potential prediction ideas. It almost sometimes works.”

Numbers in subscribers have already gone up by as many as six people since the option was announced.

“I wasn’t interested at first paying yet another company five dollars a month, but then I started feeling left out when I’d hear everyone discussing which country the US is for some reason bombing or who is getting assassinated next week,” new subscriber Susan Friedman said. “And the future sections about business news have been even better for my stock than tracking Nancy Pelosi’s husband. Still trying to figure out the one article that just says ‘THE GREAT HAPPENING IS SOON.’”

In related news, Fox News subscribers will be getting to know a week early which minorities are currently spreading the woke mind virus in advance, and new members will also have their name sharpied on Sean Hannity’s forehead.

RFK Jr. Cancels All Phoenix Down Development

BY Matt Fresh

WASHINGTON — In a major blow to American healthcare United States Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced that all Phoenix Down development in the country will be discontinued.

“There is simply no science that proves Phoenix Downs provide any health benefits to users. It’s a dangerous pseudoscience that endangers our youth,” said RFK Jr. while holding a press conference to show off how much raw milk he could chug. “We simply cannot allow our citizens to put these dangerous feathers in their bodies. Who knows what kind of toxins it brings. Sure, there are a small minority of people, namely fallen party members, who need Phoenix Down to live but if you don’t know a White Mage who can cast Life then you are weak and there is no use for you in this life. Not in this country at least.”

Health experts warn that this could be catastrophic in the long term.

“Without Phoenix Downs to bring people back to life, healers will be quickly overwhelmed by requests to use high level spells like Curaga and Life more frequently. There’s only so much MP to use and so inevitably many people will be left to die,” said former High Summoner of Spira Lady Yuna. “What RFK Jr. is doing is dangerous for everyone. He’s the most evil thing I’ve ever encountered and that includes Sin.”

Not all were upset with the announcement.

“RFK has the health of the people in mind and he should be applauded for that,” said Rufus Shinra, President of the Shinra Electric Power Company. “With his leadership and the discontinuation of Phoenix Downs this country will grow stronger. The weak will be culled as they should, the mako will flow and our profits will grow high.”

At press time, RFK Jr. was seen dragging a Chocobo carcass into his trunk.