INTEMPERANCE IX - Chapter 2, The Murder at Kingsley Manor
Added 2025-03-08 07:11:32 +0000 UTCI'm introducing a new character to the story that will be a subplot and symbolic presence involving the Kingsley children through the rest of the book and likely into any next-gen Intemp tales I compose in the future. The introduction starts of from this character's point of view for the first part of the chapter, viewing the Kingsleys as an outsider in several ways. I did this with Yami as well, but this character is very different than Yami. Bear with me as this will all make better sense in the future. Once the character is introduced, we more or less go back to the normal Kingsley points of view. I fell down a research rabbit hole composing this character and I stand by my description of him as accurate for who he is, how he thinks, and how he acts. You will see what I mean in the first paragraph of the chapter. As always, let me know how I'm doing. I hope everyone likes, or at least tolerates, my experimentation here. It does lead to a higher purpose.
Comments
I love the crow and Caydee forming a relationship I think your writing was great introducing Pa-Ho I follow you because of your skill and talent. All the main characters are all pretty well known so it is great to have insight into Caydees thinking her story needs a confident like Pa-Ho. I think It is very difficult to write about how kids see and feel the world around them. Caydee is a possible stand alone character who spins off from intemperance. So keep up this development
Peter Kelly
2025-03-13 18:59:48 +0000 UTCEnjoyed the new character Pa-Ho. Al clearly spent some time doing research on crows. Have a question about Cap and eggs. Specifically does Cap eat eggs? Am confused because on page 12 when Celia is making breakfast it says "Cap did not get the bun, just the egg, meat, and cheese, all cut into bite sized pieces". But on page 15 when Yami has made dinner is says "Cap was still too young to eat eggs so he only had the rice and the cucumber and yogurt dish".
Adam
2025-03-11 21:25:47 +0000 UTCWe will. He and Caydee are going to be buds.
Al Steiner
2025-03-10 10:54:19 +0000 UTCShouldn't a small murder of crows be called a 'manslaughter'?
Michael Reap
2025-03-10 04:11:13 +0000 UTCDepends. If Mr. Steiner can connect this up - thematically or in the plot - it's not self-indulgent. (Although we can argue that the chapter title is a bit alarmist). If you ever read Moby-Dick, expect a lot of chapters that are authorial self-indulgence. I'm not saying that Steiner is Melville, but he (Steiner) has the benefit of a large canvas to paint on.
Michael Reap
2025-03-10 04:08:06 +0000 UTCInteresting....I hope we see more of Pa-ho in the future...
Russ Wideman
2025-03-10 04:03:22 +0000 UTCI like it. A bit whimsical, and doesn't really advance the action much, but a nice divertissement.
Michael Reap
2025-03-10 01:28:25 +0000 UTCThese people are really into their corvids.
Al Steiner
2025-03-09 11:11:57 +0000 UTCThank you.
Al Steiner
2025-03-09 11:03:38 +0000 UTCPa-Ho was inspired by a scrub jay that visits our back yard. It started off when he was just a fledgling, still hanging out with his mother. He would stand near our back door and stare at our cat, who likes to look out the door from the inside (he's an inside cat). They used to make noises at each other and the cat never assumed a stalking pose with him. We start feeding shelled walnuts to Scrubby (as we call him). He now comes by at least once a day and calls for us until we put walnuts out for him. When we do so, he gives us a double squawk in return, which we interpret as him saying "thank you". He sometimes brings us shiny things and leaves them by the door.
Al Steiner
2025-03-09 11:01:21 +0000 UTCI like it overall, but I think it could stand more parentheticals to clarify what he's actually seeing when something is described in the abstract.
William Cleveland
2025-03-09 03:23:25 +0000 UTCDuring our last big drought, I made friends with a small murder of crows who were roosting in the trees across the street from me. They were making lots of affectionate clicking sounds, so I assumed they had hatchlings. Before I left for work every morning, I'd leave a small pile of shelled unsalted peanuts for them in my driveway, and I made sure the bird bath was full of water. A couple of times, I'd drive around the block and watch them from a distance. As soon as I left, they'd come down to feast on the peanuts. One time, they left me a child's plastic bracelet with faceted clear plastic beads at the location of the peanut pile. And a couple of other times, they left me some beer bottle caps. A year later, my neighbor decided to prune his trees, and they left for a better nesting spot.
wulf losee
2025-03-09 02:08:15 +0000 UTCThe title did catch my mind off guard, but I love where you took us. Honestly I could learn to love a spinoff of one of them developing the fascinating relationship that can happen with crows. I have an entire murder at my house that pays attention when I am outside to see if I might be giving out food. I have not tried to get friendly yet, but I can see me doing that.
Whicked
2025-03-08 20:17:20 +0000 UTCI like crows. Enough that I found a online place that also talks about them. Here is one of the latest posts. I don't think a sign-up is necessary, and some of you may learn more: https://www.reddit.com/r/crows/s/dgq8K8SyG7
Whicked
2025-03-08 20:13:47 +0000 UTCWell done! And, different.
Gregory Stewart
2025-03-08 19:51:08 +0000 UTCLoved the line : “Jake Kingsley would have been impressed by his flight pattern had he been watching.” Pilots watch and observe birds differently then most people do.
Surf
2025-03-08 19:50:34 +0000 UTCActually, I did not even think about the Itchy and Scratchy show when I came up with that. I was just trying to think of a way Pa-Ho would refer to bird mites. That is how crows and other birds get rid of them, by the way.
Al Steiner
2025-03-08 19:18:57 +0000 UTCFixed in edit
Al Steiner
2025-03-08 19:17:18 +0000 UTCOnly if you are a Puppeteer
wayne seitz
2025-03-08 18:07:47 +0000 UTCnot these days :)
Leo Sorits
2025-03-08 17:37:13 +0000 UTCThank you. I had fun with it and will continue to do so, though Pa-Ho will likely not get to steal the stage like that in the future.
Al Steiner
2025-03-08 17:32:03 +0000 UTCfixed in edit.
Al Steiner
2025-03-08 17:30:58 +0000 UTCfixed in edit, thank you.
Al Steiner
2025-03-08 17:30:44 +0000 UTCI think I now know more about crows than anyone who does not have an ornithology degree or two.
Al Steiner
2025-03-08 17:27:30 +0000 UTCTo paraphrase Larry Niven in the Ringworld universe: "It is the majority who are sane".
Al Steiner
2025-03-08 17:26:10 +0000 UTC"the heal from the tail end of a loaf" should be "heel".
William Cleveland
2025-03-08 16:58:34 +0000 UTCI was apprehensive about the title -- "This isn't that kind of story!", but then I laughed when I started it.
William Cleveland
2025-03-08 16:57:25 +0000 UTCThanks again for a great chapter. I appreciate the rabbit hole. I definitely learned something about crows and it was a fun developmental learning experience for Cap. As Fat Albert says, “If you’re not careful, you might learn something.”
Garmeister
2025-03-08 16:19:49 +0000 UTCSo, was Itchy and Scratchy a deliberate Simpsons reference? They also did an episode about crows, which is where I learned that "a group of crows is called a murder."
Tim Keenan
2025-03-08 14:43:31 +0000 UTCNicely done, Al. A few typos/misspellings but I think everyone else caught them for you.
Lawson
2025-03-08 14:33:33 +0000 UTC"Cap was still to young to eat eggs". First to should be too.
Ken Chambers
2025-03-08 14:22:24 +0000 UTC"It was her absolute favorite way to slumber that did not involve Jake and/or Celia." Her refers to Celia, so it seems like the name at the end should be Laura.
Ken Chambers
2025-03-08 14:02:06 +0000 UTCI am in minority here - I think there was too much crow. I did not mind it, but after a 2 pages of it i found myself skimming it rather then reading it. I think the author self indulged a bit in this and it needs a bit of a trim
Leo Sorits
2025-03-08 13:58:17 +0000 UTCA very interesting and clever experiment. I like it!!
Eric
2025-03-08 13:01:06 +0000 UTCThat was … refreshingly different. Me like very much. "He could hear it’s continued vocalizations." — its, if you please.
Matthias Urlichs
2025-03-08 12:35:50 +0000 UTCThank you!
Al Steiner
2025-03-08 11:11:41 +0000 UTCThank you. I wasn't sure how people would take it.
Al Steiner
2025-03-08 11:11:31 +0000 UTCI was rather proud of myself for that chapter title.
Al Steiner
2025-03-08 11:10:50 +0000 UTC"near the far sound end of the park’s boundaries" - should that be south?
Jamie
2025-03-08 11:06:23 +0000 UTCWill fix in edit. Thanks. He is not a bat, after all.
Al Steiner
2025-03-08 11:04:03 +0000 UTC"Nothing seemed to be amiss so he launched into the hair," instead of air
Jamie
2025-03-08 10:29:02 +0000 UTCThat was ... Cool, neat, fascinating. And itchy scratchy made me giggle. Of course, the chapter title caused me to double take. Some interesting possibilities here for sure.
Tim Keenan
2025-03-08 09:51:04 +0000 UTCWell Al - as usual you have excelled yourself with this chapter - great characterisation!
David Stewart
2025-03-08 09:43:29 +0000 UTCAbsolutely an incredible start to your next book.
Surf
2025-03-08 08:19:24 +0000 UTC
