November Exclusive - "Deal" - Part 1

ONE

Parkdale

Joshua’s bed has buttons. It has flashing lights. With a voice that manages to sound both feminine and robotic, it tells the room when the brakes aren’t engaged. It tells Joshua when he shouldn’t sit up. It’s a smart hospital bed. It might just be the cleverest thing in the room.

Joshua isn’t attached to wires and tubes. There’s nothing up his nose, nothing stuck in his arm. He could get out of bed if he wanted to. Assuming he was okay. As long as he hadn’t woken up a sliver of his old self.

“How do you feel?” asks Miss Brown. She sits in a chair beside Joshua’s robo-bed. She looks at him sympathetically, as if he’s a family member she’s visiting (in which case, where are the grapes? Where are the helium balloons that say “Get well soon!”). She’s not family, although she has plumped his pillow and fussed with his blanket.

Joshua looks down at the woman who, until today, would have been young enough to be his daughter. “I feel like I’m ready to call my lawyer.” He grimaces at his voice; he sounds like a little boy. No, he sounds like a precocious toddler.

Miss Brown nods lightly, not as though she’s agreeing, but as if she’s choosing to humour him. She had better not do that again.

“And why would you want to do that?”

Joshua grins, showing his teeth. He has around eight teeth – he counted them a few minutes ago, aided by his tongue and a stubby little finger – so how old does that make him? The nurse who had been present when he woke up had told him, along with news of his weight (excellent) and blood pressure (a little high).

He talks slowly, careful with his diction. And he imagines for a moment, conducting a business deal in this condition. Attempting a negotiation. It would be impossible, but that is effectively the situation he finds himself in. “You said you could make me younger,” he says, raising his left hand. “But you have turned me into a baby.” He raises the other hand. “This is obviously, transparently, not what I wanted.” He holds out his hands, so little and chubby. “My lawyer is standing by to hear from me. You either fix this, or I cancel the payment.” He rests his hands on top of the blanket. “And I sue you into the ground.”

Perhaps it is a risk, talking like this. Probably. But really, how much worse can Joshua’s situation get? Besides, he’s gotten this far in life by taking charge and making threats. By telling other people how it’s going to go. Why change now? Just because he’s 15 months old. Just because the woman could squash him.

It’s Miss Brown’s turn to hold out her hands. Her strong, grown-up hands. Joshua manages not to flinch, to shrink away.

“I hear your concerns,” she says mildly, as if this is nothing, as if it happens every day. (And what if it does? The robo-bed is adult-sized but his hospital gown is baby-sized. Christ, perhaps this happens all the time! What kind of cowboy outfit has Joshua put his trust in? Why didn’t he do more research?)

As if reading his mind, Miss Brown says, “I know our process can seem like science-fiction, but you can already see from your current condition that what we do is very real. Now, there’s often what we call a ‘bounce’ in the age-change process, and this was detailed in the materials we sent you. The materials you signed as having read.” She gives one of her little nods. “Admittedly, you’ve experienced a bigger bounce that most- “

“Bounce?” Joshua blurts. “Are you serious? I’m a baby!” He waves his arms, showing off the physical evidence.

“I’m here to reassure you that this is temporary. And in the meantime, we will take care of your every need.” She touches her chest with a finger. “I will do that personally, because I want to assure you that your satisfaction is our biggest priority.” She smiles. “I won’t be happy until you’re happy.”

Empty promises, Joshua thinks. The woman is trying to placate him. All she wants is his money, and she knows as well as Joshua that until the lawyer gets the green light, the shadowy scientists of the ‘PPA’ aren’t going to see a penny.

“I’ll be happy when you give me what I ordered,” he says. He shifts his legs, feels and hears the crinkle around his hips. He didn’t order that.

Miss Brown nods. “I’m confident that you will be a satisfied customer. Our entire operation depends on positive word of mouth, so we shall do everything to make sure the rest of your process goes smoothly.” Her phone pings and she glances at it. “The bounce really is nothing to worry about. I hope you can already see the positives in what’s happened.”

Joshua raises what counts for his eyebrows and waits for the woman to tell him how this could possibly look like good news.

“Well, you came to us an old man. An ill man. You were worried about the loss of your health, your vitality.” She smiles. “I’m sure you can agree, none of those issues remain.”

Joshua produces a squeaky laugh. A giggle. He follows it with a grimace. “So I’m a bouncing baby boy. There’s no way you could think this is a good result. No one would want that.” What do these geniuses think? That he would thank them for rendering him pint-sized and incontinent?

Miss Brown shrugs. “You’d be surprised. Now, are you experiencing any negative symptoms?”

Joshua squeaks again. “You mean, other than being a baby?”

“Other than the bounce, yes.”

“I don’t know. How could I possibly…how is a baby supposed to feel?”

“Like anyone. Any discomfort, any pain? It’s important that you’re comfortable.”

Joshua replies, “I don’t know, I really-“

Miss Brown holds up her hand. “Close your eyes.”

“What?”

“Close your eyes. Take a breath. Pay attention to your body. And tell me if there is any pain, if anything feels strange.”

He does as he’s told, even though this exercise is ridiculous. Everything is strange, and the biggest hurt is his pride.” Eyes closed, he imagines any of his three ex-wives seeing him in this condition, and he feels a blush rise in his cheeks.

“Keep breathing,” says Miss Brown. “Babies are actually very good at breathing, really the best breathers of anyone. It’s only when we start school that we forget how to do it properly. In through the noise…out through the mouth.” She repeats the phrase, speaking rhythmically, as if conducting a musician with her voice.

Largo, Joshua thinks, recalling the Italian tempo from childhood piano lessons. Broadly. Slowly.

And the breathing helps. The heat fades from his face, and for the first time since he regained consciousness, Joshua takes the time to reflect on each part of his body.

“My teeth hurt,” he says.

“Excellent,” Miss Brown replies.

“Glad you’re happy.”

“I mean the data,” says the woman with a soft laugh. “And perfectly natural to have some teething discomfort at your age. Probably a pair of molars coming through. We can give you something for that. Any other pain?”

Joshua takes the time to consider, and then shakes his head. “That’s all.”

Excellent,” says Miss Brown again. And Joshua opens his eyes, sure that he will find the woman about to put a gold star sticker on his gown.

“Just…” he begins.

“Yes?”

“My feet. They don’t hurt, it’s just…they’re a bit…tingly. Like pins and needs, I think.”

Miss Brown nods. “A circulation issue, perhaps. Again, perfectly normal for a baby.”

Seriously? And the fact that this woman seems to know all about the conditions of a young child suggests to Joshua that this extreme ‘bounce’ happens more often that she seems willing to admit.

“Mind if I take a look?” Miss Brown doesn’t wait for an answer, and Joshua feels a new level of helplessness and indignation when she pulls back the blanket, revealing what only the nurse has seen so far; Joshua’s little gown, the crinkling disposable nappy, his chunky thighs.

He doesn’t want to be touched, just as he doesn’t care to be inspected like this. What next? Will the woman be checking his nappy? Joshua is dry, dry as a bone, and intends to stay that way.

“You don’t have to-“ begins Joshua.

But apparently she does, and in a moment Joshua must admit, if only to himself, that he’s glad. There is a moment of ticklishness, and then relief, as Miss Brown handles and strokes his feet with a gentle, knowing firmness. In a few seconds, the tingling sensation has faded away.

“Bette?” she asks.

Joshua nods. He doesn’t tell her to stop massaging – it’s the best feeling since the procedure, the only thing that has given him a sense of reassurance, that maybe these people know what they’re doing.

“Thank you,” says Joshua softly. Because despite everything (and he remains far from confident that the PPA can make things right and earn their money), this moment of physical contact provides a glimmer of hope.

“My pleasure,” Miss Brown says. She smiles, finishes her work by giving the little feet a gentle pat, and for a moment Joshua is sure that the woman will wiggle his toes, an act that would be utterly patronizing, and yet he’s not sure if he would resist.

Miss Brown stands up. “As I said, I’ll be taking personal charge of your care for the rest of your stay in Parkdale. Every one of your needs will be met. I’m sure you’ll feel more comfortable once you’re out of here. I’ve never liked hospitals, personally.” She reaches over and presses a button on the smart bed, and the synthetic voice announces. The nurse has been called.

Joshua blinks in surprise. “What do you mean? Where are we going?”

“Home,” Miss Brown replies. She smiles. “Don’t worry, I’ve got clothes for you to wear. I’m sure you’ll feel better once you’re out of that gown.”

Joshua screws up his face. He doesn’t care about clothes either way, but the thought of leaving the room? The idea of facing the world like this? Again, he thinks of his ex-wives. How would they react? With laughter? With rubbing their hands? They had always sought to control him, to put him in his place.

The woman seems to read his mind. “It’s okay, Joshua. Anyone who sees you will think you’re just a normal baby, and once you’re home with me, you’ll have complete privacy.” She beams at him and says again, “Don’t worry. I’m going to take excellent care of you.”

To be continued...