themeditationpodcast

Subscriber Update - October 2017

Added 2017-10-11 21:48:26 +0000 UTC

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Conflict Resolution

Conflict is part of life. We all have disagreements and arguments with loved ones, family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, strangers, and within ourselves.

Some conflicts are easy to resolve: we talk to the person involved, apologize, reach a simple understanding or compromise, and move on.

Some conflicts are impossible to resolve: we get yelled at by another driver, who then speeds away. In this situation, the people involved will probably never reach an understanding.

Some conflicts are complex, and may take years to resolve. This is common with family or neighbor disputes, sibling rivalries, and "points of contention" between spouses or life partners. By the time both parties are ready to agree, we may have forgotten what the disagreement was really about in the first place.

Here are a few thoughts on conflict resolution. If you like, imagine a real-life conflict or situation that you would like to resolve. Find a quiet moment, grab a pen and paper, and consider these four questions:

1. What do I want?

It is important to begin any argument or conflict resolution with a clear idea of what you want. This seems obvious, but it is often overlooked. Imagine the other person involved asking you, "What do you want?" Or simply ask yourself. Can you answer clearly? Write it down in detail. Go as deep into this question as you can. Ask "what else?", and "why?", until you feel you've reached the root of your answer.

2. What if I get what I want?

What would it look, feel, or sound like if you already had what you wanted? Would you think or feel differently about the situation? Would you treat the other person differently? Imagine that you have arrived at the ideal, perfect outcome! Just enjoy that feeling for a while. Imagine yourself in harmony with the other person: talking, interacting, or working gracefully and peacefully together. Write about how it feels, what it looks like, what it sounds like.

3. What if I never get what I want?

Next, imagine that the situation never changes, the person never changes, and it is impossible to resolve the conflict in the way that you wish. Can you change the way that you feel about it? If something irritates you, try choosing to experience it as soothing, or funny, or no big deal.

Ask yourself: How important is it to be right? How important is it to feel heard/acknowledged/respected? How important is it to maintain my pride/dignity/standards? How important that the other person do what I ask? Or any similar questions appropriate to your situation.

If the answer to any of these questions is "not very important", can you release it as a condition? (Hint: this might allow you to actually get what you want!) Even if you don't think this is possible, write down what it would look/feel/sound like if you could change your state of mind about the conflict.

An even deeper — but more difficult — way to examine this question is to ask yourself, "How does it benefit me to remain in this conflict?" Answer as honestly as possible. It may bruise your pride, but will provide you with valuable insight about how to quickly and peacefully resolve your conflict.

4. Is there a win-win?

Repeat steps 1-3, from the other person's perspective. Do you know what they want? Are you able/willing give them exactly what they want? Are there any areas where you are absolutely not willing to compromise? With all that in mind, search for a "win" for the other person. Search for the best possible outcome, for everyone involved. Write about it.

We are by no means experts in conflict resolution, and we are learning as we go, but we do believe it is possible — and important, to resolve conflicts without violence.

"Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me."