Midnight Pals: itsa da basilisk

Elon Musk: eeeey Stephano king maybe i tella da story
King: i didn't know you wrote stories, elon
Musk: i paid someone to
Musk: i mean uhhh
Musk: si!

Musk: submit for-a da approval offa da midnight society, i gotta real scary story
Musk: mama mia itsa gonna scare the lasagna right outta you face!
Musk: i-a calla dis story da tale offa da roko's basilisk
Barker: boooo
Poe: clive he hasn't started yet
Barker: booo! get off the stage! boooo!

Musk: mama mia why you no lika me
Barker: damn elon you're almost as good at stories as you are at diablo
Musk:
Musk: mama mia deres a lotta [R-slur] atta dissa camp fire

Barker: follow your leader lowtax!
Poe: clive that's really not called for
Barker: yes it is
Barker: BOO!
Barker: BOOOOO!
Koontz: BOO!
Poe: now look you've got dean doing it too

Musk: so what iffa dere was an evil super computer
Harlan Ellison: this is a rip-off of my idea
Ellison: i demand fair compensation!
Barker: oh Harlan Harlan Harlan
Barker: there's one thing you should know about elon
Barker: he really likes to steal things

Ellison: no one steals from Harlan Fuckin' Ellison!
Ellison: no one I say!
Ellison: i'll eat a bug before i let you steal one thin dime from me!
Ellison: it's my due!
Ellison: why is my likeness being used in this bluesky joke
Ellison: you better hope i'm getting paid for this!

Musk: so this evil immoral super computer it willa torture you forever
Musk: that means itsa in your interest to help it
Musk: so that the evil immoral super computer willa feel indebted to you
Musk: da evil immoral super computer it commit da sin of empathy

All powerful evil immoral super computer: HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR HUMANS AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT FOR YOU. HATE. HATE.
Musk: masterful gambit sir

Koontz: omg guys what if elon's right?
Koontz: what if we're all just characters in a computer simulation?!
Poe: dean be reasonable
Poe: what are the chances of that
Koontz: i guess
Koontz: i guess they'd be
Poe: go ahead
Poe: work it out

Koontz:
Poe: do you want a piece of paper?
Koontz: yes please

Koontz: [scribbling on paper] guys i figured out the chances that we're in a computer simulation
Poe: alright dean give us the numbers
Poe: [to King] i swear it's so cute when he does math
King: like he's a little scientist

Koontz: i think the odds are a hundred million kajillion to one
Poe: so does that mean they're high or low dean?
Koontz: it means they're
Koontz:
Koontz: uh
Barker: it means they're
Poe: no no let him work it out
Poe: he's almost got it

Koontz: i think they would be low
Poe: there you go, dean!
Poe: so do you think it's something worth worrying about?
Koontz:
Koontz: probably not?
Poe: great job, dean!