Half Wolf

Tough Stuff: Matrix

Added 2024-04-07 23:36:02 +0000 UTC

This is the first time I’ve ever listened to one of my songs, top to bottom, and felt proud.

It me also the first time I ever listened to a song of mine and couldn’t hear. Literally, couldn’t hear. As if I had reached high altitude and my ears couldn’t pop. Later, I realized the song was triggering me and my body was protecting itself by shutting off my ability to hear it. Not a big deal, except I had to provide and clear mixing/mastering notes.

So, it’s also the first song I ever fully released control because I wasn’t physically able. I sent it to friends I trust and had them give notes to clear it. If it weren’t for them, this song would never see the light of day.

I think all I can say is releasing this song is like what I might imagine watching your first born child walk for the first time feels like. Except, you’re the only one in the room. You want to be present and enjoy the moment, but you also want to document it to make sure it really happened. Your instinct is to send a video to the person you created this baby with. You want to call them and scream “GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! LOOK AT WHAT WE CREATED! LOOK AT WHAT WE DID!” Except, you can’t. It’s a moment of extreme pride and grief. It’s mystifying and it’s heartbreaking. It’s exciting to finally have created something that I can point to and say, “This. This is what I mean.”

I have never been more capable, but I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

I think this is the moment that makes rockstars.