Update - Warning, ignore if your not interested in IRL stuff.

Warning, depressing moapy stuff ahead, don't read this if you don't care about listening to another guy bitch on the internet.

Like, seriously, I didn't really want to post this but I always find getting stuff off your chest always helps.

===

Heya, i've been thinking a lot about whether or not I should actually make this but as my patrons you are kinda investing in me so I feel it's only fair to express myself.

I've been silent for a few weeks now you may have noticed, and I haven't really show any updates because my life is kinda a mess right now. I've recently found out a good friend of my has fallen deeply ill and the effect it had on me was... well deeper than I expected, for the first time in 8 years of working in retail I stopped and went; "What the fuck am I doing with my life?", truth be told I had a emotional meltdown at work and I still have no clue what exactly triggered me even though I suspect the never ending stress i'm getting from work as i'm being heckled by customers, rushed by my bosses in London and generally ignored whenever I ask for anything cause "Oh your just a lowly worker".

I won't bore you with the details and yes my friend is fine, or so she says she is, I honestly don't know really but I trust her enough to let me know if she was not doing well, still for the first time I considered dropping my job and taking drawing up as a full time endeavour.

This sounds great, and it would be great, there would be nothing more I would love than to just draw art all day, but of course the question is set forth about money and it's getting to me so bad right now I don't know what to do.

My brother is incredably supportive to the idea of me going out and draw as my career, hells even my retail team leader is supportive of the idea but they both said the same thing, "Don't stop your job entirely, just cut your days working". This makes absolute sense, work less days, still get enough money to have something to lean on while doing my damndest to make this drawing thing a real thing... Until my mother and manager came along.

My mother was skeptical but fine with the idea with one condition, asking me to work extra hours on the remaining days I would work to get that little extra, all this seemed to fine, my borther agreed, my team leader agreed, everyone was happy, I went to my manager and what did she say?

"No."

Thats it. Just no. No you can't get a reduced shift. No you can't work extra hours even if I did reduced your shift. Just no.

With one word she destroyed any idea and plan for having a comfortable safety net while I try to work and get into drawing as full time. Even though she wants to get new workers which could take my hours, even though she has changed the shifts of atleast three other people so that they can do the same thing as me. She says no.

So here's my conundrum. What do I do? There is only two options left to me.
I could just pretend this is all fine and continue as it is but I just can't take this any more, more and more I feel like i'm just wasting my life doing something I hate, being worked like a mule and harassed by a bunch of uppity customers who think they are god, just to get a decent-ish paycheck. Or I could quit my job and dive into complete uncertainty where I could fail and lose everything, freedom and self employment is great so long as you back it up but I have bills to pay and I have no idea if I can step up to the plate.

I just don't know. I'm gonna see a doctor sometime that is for certain but I feel like nothing I do is worth anything and it's effecting me on such a degree I just don't have the drive to do anything other than just sit around and wait for tomorrow.

I'm trying my damnedest to get August's Patreon picture done for this month but it is just dragging like hell, I hope I can get this sorted soon.

If you have read this than thank you for reading- truely- again I always find it easier to get something off your chest and even though I think I sound like a whining child I find people on the Internet- even complete strangers- actually understand crap like this rather than everyone in real life. It's sad really.