Scott Meyer

One Line from a Future Comic Taken Totally out of Context

Scott Adams

Scott Adams changed my life for the better, just because he could.

On May 22nd, 2007 (Eighteen years ago!) Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert (which I enjoyed religiously every day for years), wrote to tell me he liked Basic Instructions.

He and I exchanged emails. Reading back over them now, I’m embarrassed. I feel like mine reeked of desperation. Don’t get me wrong; my job at the time (being a bellhop and trainer at the Tower of Terror at Walt Disney World) was my favorite day job I ever had. But honestly, it involved wearing a polyester bellhop costume in the Florida heat and smiling while being talked down to by snotty teenagers for 8+ hours a day. The idea of my weird little web comic turning into a viable full-time or even part-time job was just a dream.

He decided to use his blog to see if we could turn Basic Instructions into something that a comics syndicate could sell to newspapers. The answer to that question was a resounding “no,” but the experiment was not a failure. He got a few weeks’ worth of content, and I got a site-breaking flood of traffic, attention, and a ton of new readers.

While I was struggling to keep my site up during the initial onslaught, he sent me an email asking, “How does this feel?”

It felt amazing, miraculous, and life changing.

I managed to keep the new readers, and gain more, which led to a book deal for a comic collection, a calendar deal, a paid subscription service, and enough of a following that I was able to write a successful novel. We fell out of contact, primarily because I felt like I had bothered him more than enough.

Eighteen years later, I’m sitting in my home in Portugal. My job is writing novels and producing a weekly comic. I hope I would have gotten here without his help, but I didn’t have to find out, because I did have his help.

I will always be grateful to Scott Adams.

How to Bask in the Heady Glow of Scientific Discovery

Yes, a colossal squid has been caught on camera, and yes, it is a baby.

I stand by my assessment that it is not cute. There are those who will disagree. The very article I linked to above says, “Any discovery like this is a big deal, but this one is a bit cuter because it isn't just any colossal squid; it's a baby.”

In the NEXT PARAGRAPH, they say, “Its transparent body shows off its internal organs, and the slow movement of its orange tentacles draws attention to its glowing eyes.”

Adorable.

No new comic next week. I will be taking a one week break. Sorry for any inconvenience.

One Line from a Future Comic Taken Totally out of Context

How to See Things for What They Really Are

No, I do not own a Rolex. I can’t imagine buying a Rolex, and if I were given one as a gift, it would probably be used to keep track of time inside the safety deposit box I would have to rent just to store the Rolex.

That said, it is fascinating to me how products that are valued for their dependability and quality become wealth signifiers. Louis Vuitton was a guy who made durable luggage; now look at the company he started.

Here’s an interesting factoid I learned while researching this: any Louis Vuitton bag you see that has the LV logo all over it in a repeating pattern is not leather. Even the genuine ones bought directly from the company; if it has the repeating logo, the leather is fake. The leather trim might be real. The huge price tag is definitely real.

Back to Rolex. You hear stories about guys who were soldiers in Vietnam, and bought their Rolex at the PX, and decades later the watch is worth a small fortune.

My father was a truck driver when I was a child. He needed to be on schedule. The first watch I remember seeing was his. It was a simple-looking stainless-steel number with a weird name on the dial: “Longines.” It wasn’t a fancy model or anything, but it was a good-quality automatic mechanical watch. It wasn’t cheap at the time, but a guy in Outlook, Washington who drove a cement truck could afford it.  Now it would be valuable to a collector, and might give my father a nice little pile of cash, if it hadn’t been stolen years ago.

Like I said, if I had a Rolex, I’d feel like I’d need a safety deposit box for it.

One Line from a Future Comic Taken Totally out of Context

How to Diagnose a Plot Problem

The issue is that I think of Holmes as a crime fighter, not a war fighter, or a spy fighter. I’m sure there are stories where Holmes wheedles out spies. It’s just saying it’s not what he’s primarily known for. It’s like having a movie where James Bond hunts down tax cheats. Or a comic where Lt. Aldo Raine from Inglorious Basterds solves a murder. Or a novel where George Smiley exposes rigged carnival games.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t enjoy all of those stories. I very much would. I’m just saying they would seem weird.

One Line from a Future Comic Taken Totally out of Context

How to Unpack Someone’s Historical Legacy

I don’t know if he was nationally famous, or just regionally famous. I do know that he is still remembered fondly by many. Just in case you think I hallucinated him, here’s some of Fred Dibnah’s early exploits.

“Insurance men and me don’t mix.”

Yeah, I suspect that’s true.

And here is some of his later work.

The only complaint I have about him is that in one later documentary I saw, he and some guy were fawning over a huge steam engine at an old grain mill. They talked about how it was more powerful and reliable than the water wheel it replaced. Then they talked about how all the working mills had switched over to electric engines.

Fred said, “It’s all in the name of progress, you know.”

The other guy smiled bitterly and said, “Is that what you call it?”

They both laughed. I did too, but I was laughing because I imagine the guy who ran the waterwheel had the same conversation with a friend when they brought the steam engine in.

One Line from a Future Comic Taken Totally out of Context

How to Ask for Advice

Sincere social interaction isn’t my strong suit. Shocking, I know.

Part of the problem is that I get all up in my head about how to express my feelings in a way that won’t make other people uncomfortable. People have told me that expressing positive feelings about another person won’t make them uncomfortable, especially if I am doing so in response to them having expressed positive feelings to me in the first place. My response is to point out that the person in question expressing themselves has clearly made me uncomfortable.

We all view the world through our own cracked lens.

I should probably see a therapist, but they would want me to talk about my feelings, and that’s what got us into this mess in the first place.

One Line from a Future Comic Taken Totally out of Context

How to Explore History

The character referred to in this comic, Rick Jones, has gone on to bounce around the periphery of the Marvel Comics Universe for decades and act as temporary sidekicks for more than one character.

During our most recent phone call, Ric just casually mentioned The Hulk’s teenage ham radio brigade, and the conversation flowed, roughly as you see it here.

When Ric and I met, we hit it off immediately, but the moment I knew I needed to keep him close as a friend was the next time we worked together. We had some time to kill so we went into a comics shop, and Ric got into an extended discussion with the proprietor about the problems with Green Lantern. He said that they used to refer to Hal Jordan as “The man without fear.” Then they ruined the comic by giving Hal fear. Ric simply wasn’t excited to read the monthly adventures of “Hal Jordan: the man crippled by fear!”

I heard that and I thought: this man’s mind works differently than most and warrants closer study.

(Yes, I know, Daredevil is also the man without fear. Take it up with Stan Lee.)

One Line from a Future Comic Taken Totally out of Context

How To Apply Real-World Knowledge to Fictional Situations

True story: Missy recently insisted that I get a sit-stand desk to deal with a recurring back pain I’ve been experiencing. There is very little chance of me working while standing, but that’s fine. I was suffering back pain from working twisted sideways because my legs couldn’t go under my old desk if one of our cats was in my lap. As I write this, the cat is on my lap, and my desk is raised up high enough to make me feel like a little kid sitting at the adults’ table.

Non-cat owners are probably asking why I don’t just shoo the cat away. Cat owners reading this don’t need to ask.

One Line from a Future Comic Taken Totally out of Context

How to Tolerate Other People’s Boring Interests

I’m not criticizing people who collect antiques. Not right now. When I wrote the comic, I was, but I was writing dialog for the fictional character “Comic Scott,” who is a bit of a dick sometimes. Now I’m writing for real me, and I do understand the urge to collect antiques.

I used to occasionally pick up things that could be referred to as antiques. Heck, at one time, I drove an antique—a 1962 Ford Fairlane 500, the undisputed monarch of the tarmac! Sadly, I had even more belongings that I bought brand new, then kept long enough to count as antiques. I came to realize that most of them fell into the category of “things I really wanted at one time, but now have no real use for, except to look at them.”

The vast majority of that stuff got jettisoned when we moved across the ocean. Most of it is completely forgotten now, but there are things I wish I had kept. I still miss my old minidisc player. I have several devices that are better audio players than it was. The problem is, they all lack that cool, tactile series of clicks and whirs the minidisc player made when I ejected a disc. It felt so futuristic, which is ironic, as it is now the future, and nothing does that anymore.

One Line from a Future Comic Taken Totally out of Context

How to Weather Change

Of course, this is exactly the kind of comic someone would post just before AI puts them out of work.

The thing is, I am semi-serious about this. If and when AI gets good enough to write comics, they are going to try to emulate the most polished mass market properties, not weirdos like me. And, yes, there is a lot more money in the mass market if you’re successful, but almost nobody is. And success for a syndicated comic means generating enough readers and revenue to satisfy papers in multiple markets, a national syndicate, a book publisher, and a few companies that market plush dolls and calendars. I think there might be room to survive out here on the edge of sanity, where all you need to earn is your share of the mortgage and the bills. I’m already a known quantity. People know my comics and novels are made by a human—a strange human, but a human nonetheless—who produces work no artificial intelligence could (or WOULD WANT TO).

One Line from a Future Comic Taken Totally out of Context

How to Complain with Flair

I didn’t really watch That ’70s Show. I have nothing against it. I wasn’t really watching sitcoms at the time it was on, so I’ve never seen an entire episode. I did see a few scenes here and there later, as its reruns would be on in the breakrooms at various locations I worked back in my theme park days. My main memory is that it always weirded me out that the father figure of the show was Clarence Boddicker from Robocop, a gang leader so badass that his crew included Leland Palmer from Twin Peaks! And Dr. Romano from ER, the man it took two helicopters to kill!

Finding out that the show has been off the air about the same amount of time as passed between when it took place and when it aired was a real jolt. What makes it worse is that researching this comic sent me down a rabbit hole of nostalgia-based sitcoms. It turns out the roughly twenty-year lag between when a show takes place and when it airs is fairly common. Two other shows with a twenty-year gap were Happy Days and MASH, shows that were on when I was a kid, and felt like they might as well have taken place in the old west or the Regency period.

When I was young, I thought older people were always grumpy and obsessed with the past. Now I am older, and I understand why we seem that way. BECAUSE WE ARE!!

One Line from a Future Comic Taken Totally out of Context

How to Adjust Your Assumptions

Recently, there seemed to be some curiosity about my gaming habits amongst some patrons, so here’s my deal, as far as games are concerned:

I like turn-based strategy games, similar to Advance Wars on the Gameboy Advance (Warbits in IOS and Android is quite good), or the Mario + Rabbids games on the Switch for a more modern take. They’re easy to pick up and put down, play in short bursts, and get on with my day. I’m a better slow thinker than I am a fast thinker, and they give me time to plot and scheme. I’ve tried X-Com and some of the more complex variants, but as I said in the comics, I feel like I end up spending as much or more time doing human resources, tracking my soldiers’ personal development plans, as I spend blowing things up real good, which is the part I enjoy.

I also really like a good stealth game. The gold standard for me is the Hitman games, which I may have picked up just for the vicarious thrill of watching a bald man triumph. Again, the genre often allows time for slow thinking. You watch your quarry, learn their habits, then execute a careful plan to defeat them, which appeals to me.

For action games, Missy and I both greatly enjoy the Borderlands games, and are looking forward to Borderlands 4, which will be coming out later this year. We play cooperatively, and our play pattern involves her reviving me many times over the course of an evening, not because she enjoys playing the healer (she does not) but because, again, the genre calls for fast thinking, and well, you know.

I am very lucky that I am married to a woman who considers playing Borderlands games to be “together time.”

So, those are the games Missy and I play. Or they were, before the cursed scourge of Balatro addiction fell upon our home. If you enjoy not being utterly addicted to a mobile game, if you like playing games that aren’t Balatro, if you treasure having conversations with your spouse that don’t involve discussing Jokers, tarot cards, or “Mult,” then I suggest you avoid Balatro at all costs.

ON AN UNRELATED NOTE: There will be no new comic next week, for a variety of uninteresting reasons. Sorry for the gap. I plan to be back in a week.

One Line from a Future Comic Taken Totally out of Context

Human Error

And I am the human! Some of you may have gotten a comic a few weeks early. I choose to be positive about it, and think that you got a bonus this week, and a week off in mid March!

How to Explore the Limitations of Your Superhero Characters

Yup, my team of idiots is at it again. I would love to use them more often, but good ideas for stupid superhero action don’t come that often. I suppose it’s debatable whether I had a good idea this time around, but I felt it was at least worth a shot.

The first trailer for the MCU version of Fantastic Four dropped. It’s bad business to direct my readers to another far more successful webcomic, but Penny Arcade sums up my feelings pretty well on this one.

It looks like the Thing will finally get the treatment he deserves. It isn’t just the quality of the CGI, or that they’re letting his personality shine through, but little things like the fact that when he claps, it sounds like rocks clanking together.

Also, it’s good to see Herbie, though we should all brace ourselves for irritating guys on the internet complaining that using tape reels for his eyes makes no sense, especially since they don’t seem to be feeding tape to anything, and aren’t bound to each other in any way. (And no, I’m not one of those irritating guys. I’m not complaining about Herbie. I’m complaining about the people who will inevitably complain, making me one of a far superior group of irritating guys.)

One Line from a Future Comic Taken Totally out of Context

How to Iterate an Idea

For those who are saying “Ray Milland?” I simply point out that the 1970s was an amazing decade.

All of the references in this comic came straight off the top of my head. I am not happy about the specific things my brain chooses to remember. I would love to have instant recall of the details about people I know: their email addresses, phone numbers, birthdays, names, facial characteristics, or even how I know them. Historical events, math skills, spelling, and punctuation would also be really nice to know. Sadly, my brain rejects these things, but I can tell you that the character of the butler on The Prisoner was played by Angelo Muscat.

I was at the perfect age for both Buck Rogers and Clash of the Titans. As such, I built both Doctor Theopolis and Bubo out of LEGO. My mother was very impressed with Bubo and praised me for making such a cute owl, but seemed confused when I said I was like Hephaestus.

I guess I accidentally learned some Greek mythology. Harryhausen truly was a genius.

At least she liked the owl. She was not impressed when I wore a LEGO disk with a face on it around my neck and shuffled through the house saying, “Bedubedubedubeep.”

Two Lines from a Future Comic Taken Totally out of Context

How to Honor the Memory of Someone You Respected

I had seen several of David Lynch's films and TV shows, but I hadn’t seen Eraserhead.

Now I have, and I can never unsee it.

A lot has been said about David Lynch lately. I built an entire novel on a stray thought I had watching a single shot from his version of Dune. I was nineteen and living in the Pacific Northwest when Twin Peaks hit, and its influence may have warped my entire destiny.

My favorite work of David Lynch is his short film What Did Jack Do? (Available on Netflix.) It is mostly Lynch interrogating a monkey, until the big musical number.