the rose that grew from concrete.

hey love, can we talk? let's take off the gloves.
TW: mention of self-harm.

i'd like to think you're all here for deeper connection, to see the stripped back parts of my storytelling. i'll admit i thought that meant uncut episodes, scenes i'd deleted, behind the scenes posts... but i want to take this opportunity to make it more with unflinching honesty.

about my identity.

i have always had a fear of being seen. not just in my art, but in my life. wearing baggy clothes unless i was streaming, and for those that may not have known, i use "they/them" pronouns.

and this is because for the longest time, i denied my own femininity.
no, i'm not a man, not a woman, but something in between so i could protect myself.

this isn't to say that genderqueer and nonbinary identities don't exist, but i wore them like armor. i was a girl that was afraid to be pretty, to be feminine without performing femininity.

so i buy the pink headset, the pink clothes, the pink, heart-shaped microphone. i wear the pretty glittery makeup and the pink hair... i'm a pig in a dress performing "girl", and now i open my tik tok live chat asking how to create authentically. i'm a fraud but i don't know it yet.

lately, i've been pretty quiet online. i've been trying to listen to myself and my work. i've never been good at goodbyes, and now i have to write an ending. for those that know me, i've grappled with this ending in many, many different ways. but all this has forced me into a place i was running from, and that's true introspection.

i've been reflecting deeply, especially on the way i show intimacy, obsession, trauma...

about the integrity of the show.

when i created Lars and Penelope, i thought i was writing about love. if you go back and rewatch season 1, the tone feels like a daydream, like a pretty, cherry blossom fantasy of whirlwind romance. romeo and juliet style love where it's us against the world. others may think we're too intense, but they just don't get it.

i coveted this type of romance. an understanding between two people that others just won't get. i still do.

but i wasn't writing about love, i was writing about need. about loneliness cosplaying as loyalty. about codependence so tightly coiled it looked like devotion... the craziest part is i didn't fully see it until you did. reading the comments about how selfish Penelope is, how controlling Lars has become. and even then i pushed back, because a critique on them felt like a critique on me.

as most of you have already noticed, DoRo is painfully, unflinchingly autobiographical in nature. but this wasn't my intention. i wanted to comfort these parts of me, not directly write my pain onto the page.

Sato's need to control and be the "good-guy" hero all the time without realizing how he might harm others, Penelope's codependence and need to be obsessed over, her goody-goody model child upbringing and need to rebel, Arron's sensitivity and judgmental nature, his reservations around love and need for loyalty...

Kala's self-sabotaging and self-justifying nature, her feeling of being completely unlovable if people truly saw her, Kino's judgy nature and self-righteousness, Rome's need to silence himself and make himself smaller for others, his self-harm and fear of rejection...

Trina's prickly guardedness and cynicism, Iza's fear of being judged, Mina's need for validation and treating people like they're disposable, and even Mickey and his distrust of everyone, even those that have shown him nothing but care, patience, and consideration.

i speak through all of these characters, whether i noticed it or not. but i was in denial. the more people disliked "good" characters (like Lars, Pen, or Arron), and sympathized with "bad" characters (like Mina, Mickey, or Savi), the more i realized that "controlling" the narrative was out of the question. and this applied to my irl as well, where i always attempted to control the narrative about me and my writing. there should always be nuance.

about the maturity of the show.

the sex scenes were never physical to most of you. they were arguments, sometimes apologies, almost always a power play, desperate reaches for control. they were about being wanted, sometimes surveilled, always understood. emotion was my main focus... why are we naked like this? what does it mean? i don't want to be misunderstood. the characters are young and reckless and becoming, just like i was when i experienced this and wrote it.

i never set out to fetishize that or romanticize my own suffering. i don't market these tropes, i don't chase shock value for clicks. i've only ever wanted to comfort the part of me that was haunted by these things. how intimacy can sometimes be the most destructive language of all. i wanted to speak about it unflinchingly, not try to teach anyone anything but just admit that it was there, and do it honestly.

but self-awareness changes you. i liked to think i was exacting...every last thing was a detail i'd considered. but i can only speak from my own lens, which is cracked, full of bias, and dysfunction as well. i want to tell stories that feel honest and raw so that i may comfort anyone, let them know they aren't alone if they feel it too.

i share this not because i owe a defense, but because i believe in taking responsibility for what we make. you are not just here for early access, but to see the "why" behind the work. this is my why.

thank you for sticking with me while i figure this out in real time. i'm building something darker, wiser, more intentional, not softer but sharper and more precise.

this finale will mark a new era. i'm ready to bury the old world, and confront the new one with brutal honesty.

my performance was the cherry blossom. sweet, pink, dainty...people marvel it. but i'm more like a rose with thorns, wilting from mishandling. i've lost a little color but i don't hide from that. i grew from a crack in the hard ground, and i'm not ashamed to admit that. not everything is sweet and linear. i'm not afraid of any of that.

my stories have always been for the haunted, the outcasts, the overlooked, the raw-hearted, and those that felt too old for their bodies. i can't speak for us if i continue to play it safe.

i've renamed the tiers, but they're all the same. for those at my highest tier in the chat, i've renamed the chat as well. i'll see you very soon. i know you'll see me too. maybe for the first time.

-not KUREHA, just kureha.