My Weekly Gag Villain Job is Pretty Fulfilling

My Weekly Gag Villain Job is Pretty Fulfilling (Oreigaru-Inspired)

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Commissioned by LiamofOrmonde

Wordcount: 2500

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Pinnacle city, a bastion against madness, amidst a world terrorized by unknown, interdimensional entities, creatures from space, and general human fallibility. A collaboration between the US and Japan in the early 1980’s, with all their discoveries of civilization’s new foes implemented and integrated, to create a city of tomorrow off the coast of Hawaii. A shining example of humanity’s ingenuity and ability to preserver against supernatural and alien foes.

Yeah, the core district got abandoned to rust and rot once heroes and heroines popped up to deal with the mess.

It made for a pretty good evil base, though.

“I’m back everyone.” I stretched as I walked into the building. The door behind me, leading to my room back home in another nation entirely, closed and I enjoyed my abode. It was a suite previously meant for some big-wigs to enjoy, while the rest of the world fell into chaos. A mansion atop a skyscraper aboard a lifeboat that cost trillions. Yet, still, today people believe that the rich and powerful want to look out for the little guy. “Are you all ready to cause some mayhem?”

“You promise mayhem, yet none will be created.”

“Hey, the contract thinks its mayhem, so it’s mayhem.” I glanced over at my point of contact with the powers of evil, malice, and depravity for the last year. At my lowest, when I found myself with no one and nothing, the despicable creature that was a single-massive eye with wings strapped to its sides came forth from the shadows. It offered me a contract and I accepted with nothing to lose. I called him Ebb, because he was an eyeball, and he hated my guts. “What do you guys think? Disrupting a candy factory for millions and millions of dollars lost in operating cost and profit loss is mayhem, right?”

I was, of course, speaking to my Imps.

They were humanoid creatures of shadow about knee-height that I could call forth. A legion of darkness formed of smoke that could turn their limbs into swords and spears. If I told them to come together, they could become larger creatures of shadow, with immense strength and power, that could battle the armies of mankind with ease. With enough time and effort, I could have them turn into massive titans that could crush whole cities underfoot.

I gave them big, spherical heads, jester ears and feet, and finally big, yellow eyes and a matching smile.

Pretty cute mobs, in my opinion.

The closest one doing some vacuuming overheard my statement and gave a thumbs up at my idea.

Ebb faltered instantly at the approval given by the creature of pure magic, which understood our contract instinctively.

“You were meant to overthrow the whole world in shadow. Yet you insist on such low forms of violence and destruction.”

“Hey, the factory has hundreds of workers, it’s publicly owned, and literally provides happiness to people. I’m being a total menace messing it up.” I reached the hub of my evil empire. It was supposed to be a security room for the penthouse suites, but I instead used the screens to look through the internet. There were plenty of live feeds all over the world that I could use. Lots of bored people out there or hobbyists that made my life easier. “Not a world-conquering menace, but totally a jerk. Maybe even an asshole.”

“You most certainly are an asshole.” EB grumbled with a voice meant to strike fear into the hearts of the bravest of warriors. A few months ago, he kept up the charade of being holier-than-thou and being a higher existence, but I annoyed him into being more personable. The joys and wonders of being so irritating, yet so irreplaceable. It’s wonderful. More people should try it. “Will you at least engage the defenders of this world, instead of running away once again?”

“Every battle avoided is a battle won, you know?” I decided to quote the classics to answer his question.

“Answer the damn question, you insufferable loon.” Ebb proved himself an unsophisticated goon without a moment’s pause.

“Fine, fine. I’ll take them on. It’s been… three weeks since I last did it anyway. They should be finished with their latest training montage.” Right, Ebb was referring to the various heroes and heroines that popped up once magic and alien bullshit popped up in the world. Surprisingly, loads of people given power and ability ended up actually doing the right thing. Sure, some sold their services instead, but there weren’t many villains or scandals popping up. Just good guys doing the right thing whenever they could while keeping their identities secret. I opposed them, but it was professional objective, not a personal one. “What were they called again? The Sentinels of the Stars?”

“They are your anathema. They derive their power from the light, while you do the same from shadow. My people, the Shadow Legion, have fought against the Sentinels since the dawn of time—listen to me, you damn fool!”

“Ancient enemies. Rivalry. X4 Weakness. I got it, I got. I was listening.” I grumbled and dodged EB as he swung his wing at me. It was a telegraphed attack, since he had to float high to swing at me without hitting the ground.  “I remember the Imps got pretty destroyed by them, but once they started working together, the Sentinels lost.”

“If you made them combine into their strongest forms, then the Sentinels would’ve been wiped from existence and nothing would be able to challenge our dominion over this world.”

“Yeah, but that’s mid-season stuff. We can hint at it when we lose, but we can’t start off with combining mooks into giant monsters.”

“You… you’re damnable fool! Stop treating this like those shows that you watch!”

“Oi, you watch them too.”

“For entertainment, not as a guide to my lifestyle!”

“Look, I get it. You want a win against the people your people have been fighting against. But I’m not interested in getting the attention of the big wigs and the actual, world-ending threats.”

“You would be a world ending threat, if you tried!”

“But, as you can see, I’m not trying or a world ending threat. So… we go with my plan of causing general mayhem, learning more about my power, and getting stronger while not attracting any attention that gets us killed.” I had some Imps do a few clicks and all the screens on the wall were in the city of the candy factory that I was going to attack. It was an upscale place. Low crime, low unemployment, and really good schools with a friendly population. Meaning that causing even a little bit of mayhem there would be immense, because it was a relatively peaceful location. Causing mayhem in a crime-ridden city filled with strife, for example, would be difficult. Not so much in… Hildale? I think that’s the place’s name. “So, let’s go! Time to disrupt a whole week’s worth of production, hurt some retirement funds, and be a general nuisance to a whole city! Let’s get malicious!”

A band of Imps scurried my way and became shadows that wrapped around me. I didn’t know where my clothes went, but they came back whenever I returned, so I didn’t think about it. Anyway, after a few heartbeats, I became a mass of shadow floating ominously. Though I felt the same, just my plain, human self, I could see in a mirror that I was nothing more than a mass of black fog bedecked in royal purple robes lined with gold.

Generic evil shadow dude in hooded robes.

Nice.

I could become something else, but this was the perfect Season 1 Big Bad look in my opinion. Generic evil that gets beat up and replaced by a better one later that’s slightly stronger and more menacing. I was still coming up with Season 4 and 5 ideas, but I’ve got the ones until then down pat.

Ebb was glowering at me, even after I transformed, so I decided to be nice.

“Alright, fine. I was planning on introducing a monster of the week next time, but we can start today. Here’s two Imps. Make a decent mid-boss.”

“I want five.”

“Three. Take it or leave it.”

“Stingy bastard. Fine.”

With my connection to otherworldly power and might assuaged, I refocused on what was truly important: having a fulfilling hobby that got me through the workweek and got me some cash.

World domination?

With my finances and mental health?

Yeah, I’m working on those first and getting healthy before going for world conquest.

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Security guards and generic police officers against creatures made of shadow that can solidify, create weapons from their bodies, and vanish away into nothing.

Yeah, taking over the candy plant was easy.

Ebb went overboard, though.

Or, rather, he was still going overboard.

“Now that’s just cruel.” I watched as a shadow Gorilla thundered into the police blockade. It roared and beat its chest before picking up a police car and shaking it. That was a good signal for the police of the town to retreat, just before the animal-based shadow amalgam smashed the police cruiser into the engine blocks of others. “Those cost a lot of money, you know?”

“At least one of us should be putting fear in the hearts of the populace and purging the weak from the protectors.”

“I’m pretty sure there aren’t any normal humans who wouldn’t run against a ten-foot-tall shadow gorilla using a car as a bludgeon. Ebb.”

“Then, humanity is weak and should fear the strong.”

I rolled my eyes, but soon enough had another issue.

The workers.

I saw through the eyes of an Imp what was happened and traded places with it. Or, to be more exact, it turned into a gate on the floor and turned into a shadow that I could leak through into the world.

Before I finished forming, a piece of pipe broke against my head.

Rude.

“M-monster! Gwe—

“Yeah, I’m not waiting for a monologue about being whatever you think I am.” I wrapped up the balding man in white coveralls in shadow. A cocoon of sensory deprivation wrapped around him, just like the rest of the workers. Most had been on the assembly line, checking for defective products or in the offices doing whatever office workers did, but this guy was probably on break. The Imp I went through reformed and I gave it a little pat on the head. “Good job, little guy. If you fought him, he’d probably have died.”

I was doing my best to not cause casualties.

Teams like the Sentinels of Light, or whatever they were called, were a-ok for my Imps to fight against. Superpowered young adults with spunk and pizzaz and otherworldly powers from multi-dimensional existence could take on an Imp no problem. Normal humans couldn’t. I made them look cute with their big heads and jester hats and shoes, but they could tear through steel with their bare hands and run at 40 mph in their base forms. If they combined, their strength wasn’t additive, either. It was multiplicative.

Didn’t know how many I could make if I was pressed, too.

Anyway, with that employee handled, I went through the minds and presences of my other Imps… and jackpot!

A ripped open safe with tons of cash.

I went over there and looked it over.

“Ah, nothing like two paychecks on a payday” Dollar bills in neat stacks, meant for daily operations of the factory, lay in the small safe that was ripped open. I couldn’t use the cash, since they had serial numbers, but with lots of bodies and many hidden Imps hidden all over the continent it was easy enough to exchange them one way or another. “Thank you very much. Please, fill out your insurance claims properly. Goodbye.”

By all means, I was content with that and with a look towards my Imp that gave me a thumbs up, the details of my contract were fulfilled.

I caused mayhem in a peaceful location, gained valuable funds for my personal use, and practiced my powers.

A fine showing for a generic, big-bad evil dude.

But… I couldn’t exactly keep Ebb angry all the time, so I accessed the Imp that I left next to him after having another take the money back to base to get laundered by my dedicated Imp team.

“They are here.”

“Yeah, the rainbows arcing through the sky was a dead giveaway.” I started forming Imps to support Ebb’s mid-boss shadow Gorilla, while taking a seat near the window. I reformed the shadows around me to look like one of the worker outfits, but complete with a gas mask and some ski goggles. In truth, I was still just a mass of solid shadow and the outfit was just a shell, but it worked. Ebb, meanwhile, just turned invisible. Useful power, that. “How do they look compared to the others your people fought?”

“The Sentinels are as mighty as ever.” Ebb growled as the seven colors arced down and crashed into the ground between the retreating police and my small gathering of shadow. My Imps were about 183 in number here. I had more back home and all over the continent. The exact number and their management came as easily as breathing, and I was sure that I could have way more if I wanted, but I was taking baby-steps to get used to it. “You must watch out for Scarlet and Azure. Those two are mighty even at their inception, even while the other Chroma slowly gain power, they are always mighty.”

“No kidding. Guess those P*wer R*nger shows were accurate somehow.”

“Keep those shows in mind. The Sentinels of Light are mighty and we will be sealed away forever or destroyed if we do not act properly.”

“Mhmm, I’ll keep that in mind and stay quiet and sneaky. Thanks for approving!”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it!”

Ebb growled at me and I ignored him in favor of looking at the heroes that opposed me.

I’d call them magical girls, or heroines, but in the battle between good and evil ‘villain’ and ‘hero’ were good enough catchalls.

“Seems like they’re here and chic as usual.” The Sentinels were dressed well. Scarlet seemed to take a modern knight approach. Plate armor atop a motorcycle suit complete with a riding helmet. Azure, meanwhile, had a pale blue suit and white coat on her shoulders. They formed the point of the squad and approached with a longsword and claymore respectively. “They don’t seem any different.”

Was three weeks not enough for a training montage?

“Hayes. Pay attention. This battle will be unlike the last.”

I raised an eyebrow at Ebb’s statement, only to suddenly find myself buffeted by glass window shards.

The number of Imps I had between me and the Sentinels went from 183 to 130 in one attack by Scarlet.

Ebb’s mid-boss lost its arm an instant and Azure was behind him.

A few weeks ago, they struggled but now they were crushing my forces.

To that, I had a simple answer.

“Huh. Neat.”

Then, I unleashed all three hundred Imps I hid in the sewer right behind them and at their flanks.

Yeah.

Frontal attacks are nice, but if I could hide my Imps anywhere and send them to places by making one into a portal… I was going to surround my enemies and beat them down through attrition.