Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 42: I've got 99 Problems and the [Lich] is Just One of Them

The howling grew louder, but I didn't see any hounds.

Meredeath and I struggled to pull Leo out of the reeds. Finally, we had him jump butt first onto the reeds, effectively distributing his weight.

"Where are they? I can't see any of them," Tandy sounded frantic, as the [Corrupt] water hounds sounded like they were right on top of us.

Ter Lance opened his mouth to reply when a dog jumped through the matted reeds and latched onto his leg. In one swift movement, the dog pulled off the skeleton lord’s leg bone, as another skeleton cleaved the monster in half with a sword.

A jaw full of teeth latched onto my ankle. It was some sort of aquatic-dog zombie, with otter-like tufts of fur surrounded by pale blue skin. The dog's teeth tore through my pants, sinking into my skin as it used powerful hind legs to pull me into the water.

My last glimpse of the team was of Leo drawing his axe and Meredeath's glowing pendant as she blocked an attack on Tandy. Then I was gone, dragged beneath the water. The dog must have had webbed feet as powerful strokes pulled me under. The weight of my hammer helped sink us to the bottom of the lake. I struggled to hold my breath. Not ready to die.

Unable to hold it any longer, I took a long gasp of the murky water. My gills kicked in, and my second lung took over, giving me sweet, sweet air. I didn’t need Richard to call me an idiot. I knew it.

My body went limp as I marveled at my gills working, the sensation of water entering my neck, and my water-lung providing me with air. This was fortunate because it was exactly what the [Corrupted] water hound was waiting for. It let me go, assuming I was already dead. The dog took off towards the surface to capture more prey.

My ankle burned as I kicked off the floor, launching myself towards the surface. My aim was off, and I slammed into the underbelly of the eedy mat. I hit hard, as though one of the skeletons had been standing above me. My head throbbed and my ears rang as my fingernails scrabbled to break the matting. My two lungs, for once, worked in unison, providing enough air as I struggled.

It was only a matter of time before one of the dogs noticed I wasn’t dead and dragged me off. Finally, my frantic efforts were rewarded as my fingers broke through. I tore the reeds apart.

The high-pitched whining in my head worsened as I breached the floor like a beached whale, throwing my body across the weeds. Immediately, my breaths grew ragged as my gills disengaged.

I blinked at the scene. Meredeath stood in front of Tandy, hair wild with her claws out. Her pendant glowed ominously as she crouched in her platform boots. Leo stood spinning his axe in the air as though he were trying to ward off evil spirits. It whistled as it whirled above his head like a dog whistle from hell. Sitting around him like he was about to dole out treats were five [Corrupt] water hounds.

The skeletal warriors had been wrecked. Several lay on the ground, missing leg bones, while others clung to the edge of the mat with their remaining hand. As I stood, I pulled my hammer free. It was time to join the fight. I limped towards the mesmerized dogs.

"Can you hurry up?" Leo asked, his voice strained. "I don't know how much longer I can keep their attention."

I glanced at Meredeath. She was breathing heavily with wild eyes dancing around the battleground. I wasn't sure she understood Leo's request. Tandy looked to be in a trance, lost in some skill.

It was up to me.

"I've got you, brother," I said, stepping forward and swinging my hammer at the first dog.

My swing obliterated the water dog's head in a magical flash and spray of viscera. Multiple notifications blinked. [Guardian’s Promise] did not approve of the [Corrupt] hounds.

The other dogs still sat complacently transfixed by Leo's axe. One of them licked the spray off its snout. I rampaged through the rest of the dogs, my hammer absolutely (w)recking the pack.

Panting, I stood covered in blood and guts, looking like a vengeful god.

They just wanted to play fetch.

I looked over at Richard, still clinging to Meredeath's shoulders.

"I've got a yellow chew toy I could give the next set of dogs that show up," I growled.

I was not in the mood. My ankle hurt, and I was soaked, chilled, I'd been threatened, almost killed a half dozen times, fried, drowned, en-fucking-gaged to a swamp mummy. I was done.

I marched towards the palace, ignoring the bony carnage. Ter Lance's head followed my path as he worked on reattaching his tibia. The reeds bounced under my feet as I stomped towards our goal.

Quickly, my boots hit dirt, then gray granite stairs. My ankle throbbed with each step as I climbed all hundred to the grand entrance. Giant pillars six feet across towered above me. The grand doorway stood open, its wooden door rotted away centuries ago. The inside of the palace sat in dark shadows ominously daring me to enter.

It was all huge. Grandiose. Made to make people like me feel small.

I was done feeling small.

"Rhi Voss, the all-powerful [Lich] of the palace, who can't be bothered to protect her soldiers and guests from a herd of zombie dogs. Show yourself! You have violated the basic rules of hospitality. I have a grievance with you!" My voice thundered as I channeled the most asinine version of Floria I could come up with.

The ground rattled. Dust and pebbles fell from the stacks of giant stone blocks. The colonnade bounced dangerously, angrily. It was as though the very building spurned my taunt. One of the distant pillars toppled, great circles of stacked granite falling. The whole facade shook with the impact, showering me in dust.

In front of me, shadows were given form as they reached out of the crumbling doorway. Like claws of a behemoth, they dug into the walls and pulled.

The walls groaned as they resisted folding under the pressure. The sharp grinding of rock sliding over rock was my only clue. The shadows weren't pulling the doorway down but using it as leverage to pull something forward.

Out of the darkness came a throne. An otherworldly platform inched into view. The stairs appeared to be made of black stone but were hollowed out in an interlocking lacy depiction of an epic battlefield of monsters fighting soldiers, stacks of skulls, and a city burning.

An angry flame ignited in the heart of the staircase, sharpening the scenes of warfare in a harsh light. My eyes traveled up to the pinnacle of the platform, where skulls were stacked to form a grotesque throne.

Fire flickered in eye sockets, through hollowed noses, and gaping mouths. The parody of life sat cruelly posed in judgment of the living.

Upon the throne sat a monster. She wore the skin of a woman. Her stringy, bone-white hair hung off her skull, doing little to hide her sunken face. No hint of beauty was found in the [Lich’s] features, sharpened by desiccation and age.

I thought she was grinning at me until I realized her lips had receded too far to change expression. Was she grimacing? Smiling? Who could say? She was all teeth.

The macabre scene was so grossly over the top. I should have been afraid. It was all uniquely sculpted to strike terror.

She opened her mouth, but I spoke first, "Are you done?"

The words caught in her throat. It was probably dry.

I waited, foot tapping impatiently.

The rational mind that I'd shoved into a deep corner of my brain quivered and blubbered in the small crevice it was regulated. The new idiot in charge of my mouth, the fearless fool who wouldn’t shut up, couldn't resist egging her on.

"Dust in your throat?" I asked, eyebrows high.

She stood, her moth-eaten gray rags crumbling with the movement. Her chest cavity was sunken with ribs barely covered by a thin layer of stretched skin.

My companions had arrived, standing behind me. I didn't need to look to imagine the shock on their faces.

Ter Lance, the imprisoned officer, walked around me. He positioned himself between me and Rhi Voss. His sword was up as though daring my impudence.

"Who put you up to this?" the woman's voice was thin, aristocratic, and outraged. "Was it Richard?"

I looked over my shoulder at the quivering slug clinging to Meredeath. Why was it always the god-damned slug?

I stepped forward. Ter Lance raised his sword threateningly.

"Why," I bit the words through clenched teeth, "does everything have to revolve around that asshole?"

Her eye muscles twitched as though she tried to blink.

Then her cheeks rose infinitesimally, "So his charms have improved, have they?"

I stared at the remnants of the queens of Niyatgra as she looked at me, eyes wide.

We filled her ancient antechamber with gales of laughter. Mine full-throated, deep, and alive. Hers was high-pitched and oddly girlish.