satinmemoirs

Mid life crisis

You can definitely say that I am having one of those

Full Set, Experimental Dreams, Study of Self, June 2023

From when I shot part 2 from this series. This is my recent fabuloso soak. I am happy with the results, I did something different this time and I think I like it both ways i make it. So happy to share this with you finally! My hibiscus is doing so great outside, things are starting to look up for me but I’m not getting too excited yet. I got a housekeeping job that i won’t be able to start for another week. They officially did offer me a job so that does make me feel better for now. The hours are good and I have weekends to myself, and the money is good too. It has been the week from hell. Each day a different set back and anxiety attack. I got rear ended the day after my money was stolen and my phone is broken now. Lol. The week is coming to an end and i just hope for the best for next week. This roll is from the fabuloso soak i recently made and are available to buy. I have Kodak and Fujifilm available as well ✨ I can develop them for you too 🩷 I’ve been besides myself all week but also just sitting here. It gets to a point where you just can’t do anything at all because the universe is just happening to you.

Full set, And My Body, Study of Self, June 2023 on Black Orchid

Souped, shot, developed, and scanned by me ✨ First few images with DSLR scanning. It has been fun experimenting with every single aspect of DSLR shooting. I really love how the roll came out, it isn’t the best roll to test first since it was double exposed and also souped - but I was just so excited to see these results. I’ve been dying. Today was almost worse than yesterday because I got rear ended. Sucks to say that thankfully there wasn’t any substantial damage that i need to fix. But i do feel I have to go back to waiting tables, so tomorrow I am looking for a job in that. I hate the idea, but I’m not above it and I’d be happy to make money to catch up all of these issues that keep resurfacing and showing up in different fucked up ways haha. I have a lot of money I need to save, more on that later. Thank you for being here, I will never stop saying it.

Early access: From Study of Self, And My Body series June 2023

My light sources came yesterday! I played around with it yesterday a bunch and scanned my first roll. I decided to do the black orchid double expo roll from this series. It will take some getting used to DSLR scanning but I am into it. This roll was softer in general because of it being souped and doubled exposed, so I’ll be working on clean rolls at some point today too to see what that’s like. I love how the souped roll came out, this roll. Money was actually stolen from my bank account yesterday in the midst of trying to experiment so it ended up being a very stressful day. Still isn’t a good situation but what can you do. Make more art.

black orchid

sneak peak. some very rigged iPhone pics of my souped double exposure negative lol. I am excited to scan this, it’s the EDU roll of the black orchid batch I did last. I really love the contrast. It’s been a hectic but good week. I am about to have scanning capabilities as of next week as well as developing! I ordered my equipment this week, really really poor before but I am happy to have been able to do this. I have so many rolls I need to get scanned and can finally do them, MYSELF. Which is great lol. I think I’ve said before that it’s hard to let someone else scan your work when you’ve been scanning and scanning your own work for a long time. Really hard. So many souped rolls i will get to see results of. So an insane amount of film all of sudden I will have ❤️ Lots of things up in the air suddenly for me. It’s stressing me out but trying to just flow carefully. Going to drive to Alabama in July to see my mom and aunt. Somehow making that happen. But it will be good. I’ll post my scans as soon as I make them! Haha.

Full set - Study of Self, June 2023, P2

Finished the second part of my series this morning. I drove for a little while, always thinking about a ton of things at once when I do that. I wasn't sure what the weekend would bring, because I am an uber driver, even though I come into contact with humans all the time, I never have any engagement aside from short conversations here and there. When I have the house to myself and so much time to be in my head, it ends up being bad for me and I get sucked into a bad feeling. The worries that I have for the future are real, and I wish I didn't end up feeling insecure, about a lot of things. I have a war with myself inside, every day just about and I try to keep those feelings away if I can. I was excited about a shoot with a friend for next month but it actually isn't going to be happening now. Her reasons are completely valid. I always feel like I did something wrong because I think I usually do and I hate that. Definitely don't want to make anything about me, ends up sounding like that. I wanted to shoot with her because I wanted to make her feel amazing like the woman she is. I respect her space and her decision not to. I had fruit in the sunset today in the back yard. It's why I didnt really work today, even though I feel guilty about that (lol), its all I wanted to do. I found the perfect papaya and it was so delicious. The perfect mango is for tomorrow, right on time.

Full Set, Morning Light, June 2023, Part I

From yesterday morning in my room. Since then I've wanted to extend this shoot by another layer, so part II coming soon :) I used 4 of my favorite cameras, creating a montage from this project as well. I have been working on my photography stuff more which has been nice and productive for me. I am making a film soup menu of my experimental films that I am re-creating and I will have them available again soon :) I will share once its done in case you would like to order! I am also super pumped because a friend here and I will be shooting next month and I am soooo excited. Overwhelmed really, but we are supposed to go location scouting this weekend and I am more excited about it than my friend, lol. My mind is overflowing with ideas. Finally I can do something :)

bts from this am

Study of self, June 2023, sharing iPhone pics from just a bit ago in my room this morning. Discovering new pockets of light in here ❤️ I have many goals I want to accomplish hopefully this month. Hoping I can be completely set up for film scanning and development in my house by the end of the month. I am the main person that has scanned my work, it’s hard to let someone else. I took so much film and used these cameras shown. I’ll be editing tonight and will share as soon as I’m done with them. The film will take longer of course, but I am most excited for those. I used my film soup too ✨

Full Set*And My Body, Study of Self, MAY&JUNE

Sharing the photos from my recent sesh this week, included a lot of black and whites because I am always so torn <3 In our backyard, the stream is fully flowing. I connect with this place so much. Looking forward to getting a lot of film developed next week! I am craving my cinestill and film scans. These are from Wednesday, before I continued with my double expo project. Thinking I can finish it tonight :) I appreciate every one of you supporting me and my work, it makes me feel like I can keep going.

bts from today

spent the last few days shooting outside, the digitals i took I will share tomorrow :) Today I worked on the second half of my bnw soup double exposures, I am about half way through. I can’t wait to develop already haha. Wanted to share these iPhone photos, i loved the light. Sometimes i get tired of my perspective and i try to change it up on myself, been tired this week. But felt good to be outside in mosquitos and off spray ✨❤️ more photos coming 😊

yesterday

yesterday I took my first plunge into water for the first time in a while. (the Colorado river is freezing). I am glad I went, it did open my eyes to how much work I need to do with my body. I am not as strong as I was a few years ago, feeling like I need to start all over. The initial contact with water i needed so badly. I wanted to scream under water. I didn’t sleep well last night, nor do I feel well today, but yesterday was a good day. I felt like I woke up. Depression episodes I’ve had more frequently the last few months for more personal reasons that i won’t share. It’s such a challenge for me to stay consistent with most things. It’s so discouraging. Today feels like a struggle for different reasons. I am going to be making some more work this week, i am hoping today after work. We will see, I just wanted to share these from yesterday. They may not be anything special but they are to me ❤️ I am excited to be more personal here, instagram absolutely makes me feel like I should not ever be.

red, full set ❤️

Imagining the woman I want to be. Trying to show up as her, for myself. I think things are going to smooth out, it feels like this summer will be fun. My mom is doing better, thankfully. started the other half of my double exposures, can’t wait to develop it and see what happened. I had the thought today that even though I have loved and lost a few times, I still truly am thankful to have had those moments and felt those feelings. The capacity to love another honestly, I have that.

day to day

sprout hasn’t gotten in frame with me in a very long time ❤️ this is us on any given day. I look like a bum but I am so comfy. todays been a good day for us. We had a good brushing session, all of the people I drove today were nice and tipped well, i even got a check in the mail for $140 unexpectedly haha.

I love this angel, she is everything to me. The only thing. She’s given me so much love and I give her so much too.

October Sunset

Feeling inspired to do things with my experimental film, 2-4 were some images taken with a projector. Some of my original soaks, Ajax & diluted honey and some other goodies 💗 the last one is an image from that roll that I’m trying to print on stuff right now haha. The soup was from “October Sunset” 🌅 I wanted to share with you on this lovely friday 🎐

Egyptian Jasmine🌸 full set

the incense burning, the mood ive been having. been loving the last few days, really have been good days. I am working on a design for canvas tote bags, stickers, etc. I really cant wait until I can try that out :) I've also been working on my photography business and building packages like I want <3 the darkest part of my hair shown here, the part that never sees light. 

where the moths hang, in color, full set ✨

the color versions of my latest self portraits. Most of my work is going to be here now, on my patreon. I have shared quite a bit here so far. In terms deeper than numbers. I would like to think that once I share and put something out there, it can be received or seen by someone that will know what it is. I’m working on a lot of things right now, trying to stay more focused on my dream and business and less about the things keeping me down. When there’s been so much negativity in my life, it’s very hard to think of things otherwise, because you haven’t known any different. I want to know differently, I hope to find that.

where the moths hang, full bw set✨

Study of self, may 2023, sharing from today in 2 different posts, these are the black and white versions. some days are easier than others and i feel like i live in these self portraits. today. 🖤 working on keeping in motion

lucky jeans

self portraits from a few years ago, in my old room. black and white I am using a lot lately and doing some wild things with it haha. thank you for being here 💗

friday night plans

Some favorites I wanted to share with all patrons tonight ❤️ yes, also from the triple exposure roll that is dear to my heart. I am thinking of printing the second one 🎞️

the first black orchid souped roll

🖤 this roll of ilford hp5 that i souped is also very special to me. I have made more rolls lately and I have some left. Excited to shoot one again. I now call the rolls black orchid✨ more personal photos ✨ that I am excited to share with you 🦎

home

these actually aren’t self portraits, but a roll i shot a few months ago. Half of the roll i didn’t shoot that well, but these i love. Just sharing my magical faerie place with you 💘

my heart felt like this today

Today was heavy, complete set 💓

nothing ever ends

Study of self, April 2023, uncensored including my heart ❤️

selected unseens

Self portraits, uncensored, from a soup I made with beer ❤️ wanted to share because I love how this roll came out 🎞️

March 2023

Cinestill film ✨ in my favorite room in our house, under a beautiful painting done by Francois Valdetaro ❤️

Study of self, part 2, on film

My composition wasn’t on point like I wanted, but the film from my recent self portraits uncensored on cinestill film 💓 I still am happy with them 🕯️

study of self, part 2, uncensored, full set, February 2023 digitals

summer 2022

have wanted to share these photos as they are, uncensored, they're really special to me, on my souped film :)

Study of self part 1

February 2023

socks only

some digitals of some favorite self portraits I’ve taken, uncensored ❤️ in black and white and color 💘