Reck Well - Author

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 21: Teamwork Makes the Splat Work

Splat. My body bounced off taste buds slick with saliva. The room shuddered in pleasure because this dungeon could taste us. I had one life left, and was positive the dungeon wanted to finish its meal.

I was now in the dungeon’s holding tank, waiting for the rest of the party to wipe or succeed and leave without me. Respawning wasn’t painful, exactly, but I felt distant. Removed from the world. And as my senses and thoughts returned, I was more demoralized than ever.

I'd died again, and now I was on my last chance. My last life.

This time, the consequences were real.

Head hanging, I checked the quest status.

[Quest Update: [Trial Dungeon]. This is the final test to receive your [Adventurer] status. You have one attempt left in the [2 hours] remaining. Your continued choices will influence final classes and skills achieved, assuming you survive. Adventure Onward.]

Well crap, that didn't help. I peeled myself off the floor.

This might be my last two hours, ever.

Maybe less, I was the first one to die.

My pride was saved, as seconds later, I got a death notification for Tandy.

I ducked out of the way as the portal opened again.

A ball of shit appeared in the portal window. I thought the system had made a mistake for a second, but as the ball got closer, Tandy’s form was taking shape. The shit fell off into the ether, and she was clean and whole two seconds before she hit the floor face first. It looked like neither one of our deaths had been glorious.

For all my grousing, I believed we would survive the trial. I had this impenetrable belief that Tandy, Leo, and I could survive anything. Richard and Meredeath only added to my confidence.

But this was our last attempt, and it wasn't looking great.

Tandy sat across from me. We'd been dumped and dragged through so many body fluids that the stick didn't bother either of us anymore.

"Cole, we've got a problem," she said. No kidding. Are a sheep's tits cold after a sheering? Too tired to sass her, I just gave a nod.

The final leg of the dungeon was a doozy. It would have been impossible without the progress key, but none of us had seemed to do any substantial damage to the giant Golgathan.

Tandy continued, ignoring my lack of engagement, "Let’s discuss this pragmatically. Leo’s brute force didn’t work. He just lost his axe for the effort. Even as I died, he was trying to pull it loose. That goo blocked your hammer strike.”

“I tried to lay down a trap with what’s left of my rope, but it was taking too long. It killed me while I was placing it. Meredeath tried to protect me, but she kept getting bogged down in the muck." She shook her head. "Who knows where Richard ended up. I lost track of him when you took that first hit. Do you see the same problem I do?"

I raised my head to find two brow eyes boring into me. Reason number 145 why Tandy was our [Party Leader]: she wouldn't accept lackluster head bobs as a legitimate answer to a question. Also, her eyes could bore holes in lead.

"It depends," I tried to verbally duck out of committing. Tandy and I were dead weight. Saying it out loud to Tandy, however, made it too real. "On what you see is the problem." I finished with a ‘cute smile’, trying to get out of the question. It hadn’t worked on my last girlfriend, and it didn’t look to be working on Tandy.

Tandy just sat, unblinking, waiting for me to continue. Soft oozing sounds as the mouth salivated at its anticipatory snack, our only companion. I hadn't been dead for two minutes, and she wants answers from me?

Self-pity wasn’t good to indulge, so I started rambling. Every word trying to avoid what I didn't want to admit, "Well, this time we didn't know what to expect from the boss. The longer they hold out, the more they can learn. Meredeath and Leo are a deadly one-two punch."

There, that seemed reasonable enough. Maybe she'd turn off her soul-baring stare.

"You're right." She said it in a way that I knew there was a 'but' coming. I patted myself on the back for outmaneuvering her quest for truth. "But, the real problem isn't defeating the Golgothan, is it?"

I let out an explosive sigh. We sat silently for a few seconds before I admitted what I'd been avoiding, "No, it isn't. The real problem is us." Every ounce of defeat I felt came out in the tone of those words.

"Yeah."

She sounded as dejected as I felt, which was somehow comforting. If the most put-together person I'd ever known was lost, then it wasn't just me.

"It's the splat factor." I heard myself saying.

"The splat factor?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

I held my two hands out, connected by strands of saliva. "Yeah, we're too easy to kill.” I clapped my hands together in a wet smack, demonstrating. “We have a high splat factor. It's way too easy to kill either one of us."

"Ah, yes, exactly. Maybe the three of them could defeat the monster if they didn't have to worry about keeping us alive. We're holding them back. And neither one of us has the damage output or any real utility to make up for our 'splat factor'." Tandy trailed off, losing herself in thought.

Splat factor. I absently wondered if it was a behind-the-scenes mechanic that the system tracked. We'd been the first to die in both our dungeon encounters, and I only survived the root canal uprising because I ran.

I was a little more death-resistant than Tandy, with 25 hit points to her 10, but I made up for it by thinking I could follow Leo onto the beast’s maw. She was right. The question was, what do we do about it?

We could sit out the fight. Let the heartier half of our party deal with the monster. Then waltz in afterwards and collect the reward. It was a lovely daydream, but I was sure the dungeon mechanics prevented it.

Just like the bogquackers, raiders, and widowmaker sent to hurry us along, it'd been evident from the beginning the system had an agenda and a schedule. The [Adventurer's] contract was tight. We gave up our mundane existence to join the elite, and the cost of entry was risking our lives in a [Trial Dungeon].

"What if..." Tandy spoke quieter this time, as though she didn't want to say what she was thinking, "What if I let you all go ahead without me?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, making my confusion evident.

"What if I just died in the final battle? Once I died, I'd fail the [Trial Dungeon] and you all would pass. You're all in this mess because of me. You and Leo always dreamed of being [Adventurers] when we were kids... I just..." The words caught in her throat as the reality of our situation took hold, "I just didn't want to be a [Weaver]."

It wasn’t any consolation that I’d considered doing the same thing. Even if there was a chance we’d take her up on it, her offering to sacrifice cemented in my mind why we wouldn’t allow it.

"Nope."

"No?"

"Correct. We walked into this challenge as a team, and we'll walk out of here or die trying as a team." I said it confidently, ignoring the twinge in my heart that just wanted to return to my mediocre life in Woodsten.

"That's just a useless platitude. Cole, we're talking about life or death." Tandy's voice had an edge to it. She didn’t want us to sacrifice our lives for her either.

"Maybe, but it's one I believe in. No one is sacrificing their life for mine. We’re in this together. Besides, you're always the one who says that our attitude limits our choices. If you're determined to sacrifice yourself, you'll never think of a solution where we all walk out of here [Adventurers]. We're not that desperate yet. Let's think."

So we sat in the warm, damp spawning ground for the dungeon, thinking and waiting for the rest of our party to die.

"We need to split its attention. It can't target us both if it has too many targets to focus on." Tandy wasn't wrong, but her logic had a critical flaw.

“But we can't protect both of us at the same time, and we saw it try to target the more vulnerable of the party.”

The problem is we can't split our protection. I wish we were more advanced, or had some real combat-based [Adventurer] skills. Back home, we'd talk about getting illusion or protection skills. Hell, I'd give almost anything for the ability to not breathe in that noxious gas like Meredeath.

[Your [Party Member] Leo Patch is [Dead].]

[Your [Party Member] Meredith Steele is [Dead].]

The portal runes began glowing, announcing the failure of our other companions. Meredeath and Leo fell towards the portal in four pieces. They'd been entirely sliced in half. I repressed a retch as their bodies stitched back together instantly, as they shimmered through the portal in a tangle.

The portals went dark. I watched Leo and Meredeath untangle themselves, seeing no telltale flash of yellow.

I’d forgotten about Richard. And now he was gone.

He was missing.

Frantically, I checked our bond only to find a cold echo where his presence should be.

And Meredeath’s name was Meredith? What in the frozen hells was going on?

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 20: Blockage

"Tandy, a little help with these?" Meredeath was ineffectively trying to carve up one of my old shirts with her dagger.

Digging through her pack furtively, Tandy pulled out a legendary item I never thought would leave her studio.

"Is that your fabric scissors?!" I scrambled forward to get a better look. I'd heard the story. Leo had borrowed her scissors to go mushroom hunting. The two wouldn't speak to each other for a month after the tongue-lashing Tandy gave him.

Looking at them, I couldn't see what the fuss was. They were metal scissors with shiny black handles. Sure, they looked sharp, but worth an enchanted pouch?

"If I catch either of you with these in your hands, you will regret it." I watched her cut through my shirt like butter. They were sharp, I'd give her that.

I could tell Leo had already accepted the challenge of swiping her scissors. He could never resist poking her when she got wound up about something.

"Tie these tight. I can't explain just how bad it smells down there." Meredeath handed me a strip of cloth to use as a mask, "Double, triple the fabric. Fold it as many times as you can still breathe through."

I'm so jealous right now.

"Can't we make some masks for you?" I asked, my voice muffled as I tied the mask off.

I smell through my top tentacles, which also help me see. His body quivered, mental voice dry. I will never unsmell this place.

The more I learned about slug biology, the less I understood it.

"Is your sense of smell that powerful?" All I could smell was the foul breath that'd lingered around us since we entered the [Trial Dungeon].

Richard bobbed a tentacle in the universal sign for yes.

"This whole place must be slug nightmare fuel." I expected dungeons to be gross, but I hoped this one was an outlier.

It makes one wonder.

"Are we ready to go?" Meredeath's voice pulled us out of our private chat. Tandy was putting her scissors away in the enchanted pouch worth more than a year’s rent.

I looked at [Your Mom's Party] like an outsider, trying to measure if we were up to the challenge.

Tandy's braids had returned to their impeccable norm. Everything else was spotted with saliva and stains. She held daggers awkwardly in both hands. The glint in her eyes told me she was ready, even if she was clearly unprepared.

Meredeath was weaponless, holding the [Progress Key] in one hand. The black of her outfit somehow stayed unmarred by the dungeon. Straps and chains and tears all looking somehow sexier for the general dishevelment. She touched the amulet on her chest, checking to ensure it was still there.

Leo held his double-bladed axe in front of him, a grin on his face. He'd cut the top of the pink sweater, claiming it was choking him in combat. So now it had a rugged V-neck with some of his chest hair sticking out. Even in Tandy's sweater, he looked like a veteran [Adventurer].

And finally, me. And Richard, can’t forget the slug. I held my hammer with both hands to hide my shaking. Slime had gotten into my boots, and I wondered if I'd packed extra socks. Richard, well, Richard sat like a slug on my shoulders: all confidence, no consequence.

"Let's go." Meredeath held the [Progress Key] in the air.

Nothing happened.

Leo and I exchanged smiles as Tandy went over to help. The two women conversed in low tones.

Tell them to hold it in the air and do a jig.

“I will not,” I whispered, trying not to laugh.

“You got to twist it,” Meredeath exclaimed as a shimmering gold portal appeared.

Richard dry heaved as we stepped through, and I agreed. None of Meredeath's descriptions of the cavern prepared me for the landscape.

It smelled. It smelled not just of shit, but of every type of decay. Like the wet, earthy compost at work, the sheep manure on a damp spring day, and a carcass rotting in the sun.

"You'll get used to it," Meredeath said with a grimace, "sort of."

This creature needs to rethink its diet.

The walls exuded the magical light all of the dungeon had, but these pulsed, brightening and dimming. It made the space lighten into a pink. More than any other space, I felt that this place was alive.

Piles of unidentifiable food remnants littered the floor. A burbly orifice blooped and squelched in one corner, releasing a sulfurous gas.

A wet slurp sounded ahead of us. We stepped forward as a group, each footstep chosen carefully between piles of decay and the slick, glistening floor.

"I saw the demon in the next fold," Meredeath whispered. I realized she'd described what I hadn't grasped. The cavern we were in tapered to a fold, turning so sharply that we couldn't see what was next. This really was the rear end of the creature's digestive tract.

One by one, we took turns peeking into the next cavern. I was last, patiently trying to glean some hint at each person’s expression after they saw it. Leo'd been downright giddy, while Tandy had looked thoughtful.

I tipped my head slowly around the crease. The next cavern was similar. Nothing stood out except what I assumed was the Golgothan. It was so much smaller than I expected. Almost cute, if that word could ever be used to describe a mobile pile of poo.

The creature was the size of a dog. It slithered between two different orifices, collecting gas.

I ducked back, joining the huddle.

"I can take that out with one swing of my axe." Leo was probably right. The pile of excrement may have come up to my hip.

"This shit stinks of a trap." Tandy turned to Meredeath, "Is that creature what you thought was a boss?"

"Well, I didn't explore further than this chamber. It's a shit monster. Just because it's small doesn't mean it’s not deadly." Watching her rip through the stomach parasites, I agreed. "Hey Cole, does Richard have anything to say?"

I agree with them both, there's more to this than Leo killing that sentient ooze.

I guess they were done with talking to each other directly. I relayed his message back to the team.

We debated various plans, but ultimately settled for Leo's original plan.

He charged in, axe swinging, and smacked it with the side of his blade. The axe went straight through the creature as it exploded in a splatter. Leo started coughing hard as a thick smell of sulfur hit our nostrils. Otherwise, nothing happened. The room didn't shudder in protest, no giant granddaddy poo exploded from the floor. The orifices just burbled and popped.

Leo held his axe ready as we walked forward. A distant slurp sounded.

"I hate to admit it, but it looks like I was wrong? I guess?" Tandy said wearily, as she scanned the room for danger.

"This is going to be-"

"Shut up, Leo. Just keep that thought to yourself." Meredeath locked him down.

The second chamber was much like the first. The floor was littered with decay, a bit slimier, and double the burbling orifices, but nothing remarkable. The walls still pulsed eerily, as though beckoning us to continue.

I snuck forward, looking first this time. A slightly larger brown ooze slowly glurped along.

This one absorbed any sticky, decaying matter in its path. Each collection caused it to swell, adding to its overall mass.

"Assuming this isn't a trap, we should move quickly on this monster. The longer we wait, the bigger it's going to get." I brought back my nugget of wisdom.

The three went together to peek. Richard had curled up, stuffing his head into my collar. The increase in smell caused him to tap out in this room.

I could have predicted what came next.

"Leo, no!"

"This'll be no problem!"

Leo disappeared into the next chamber, followed by a loud smack.

Silence.

The lack of catastrophe almost made it worse. I joined Meredeath and Tandy in examining the room. Leo was proudly shaking off his axe. The walls pulsed at seemingly the same rate. The floor was a little shinier with a little more squelch to each step, but otherwise fine.

Richard popped a tentacle out to look around.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

The next room held long, slimy strands hanging from the ceiling. With no discernible monster, we sent Leo first. I told myself he wanted the job. The curtains of mucus almost parted for him until he reached the middle of the room, when they collapsed on him like he'd triggered a bear trap.

Tandy and Meredeath leapt into action, cutting through the mucus. Leo looked frantic, but I could tell through [Partial Rapport] that although he was losing life, it wasn't rapid. I kept my hammer out, on guard for an ambush.

It wasn't until the fifth room that Richard put it together for us.

The promised Golgothan sat in the fifth room. I looked around the fold to find a creature resembling a stack of the biggest cow patties to disgrace a pasture. A yellow miasma of sulfurous gas billowed out from several small blowholes on its back. The floor was covered in sludge and debris, which pulsed in the same tempo as the walls.

Is that the slime from the last room?

I watched as the slime we'd cut away pooled around the creature’s base, creeping up and coating it like a gelatinous armor.

Oh shit, we just gave it weapons, and mass, and armor.

Of course, it was made of our hubris. In a dungeon, overconfidence was a deadly sin.

"It wasn't that hard to kill the mini creatures. This guy is just a collection of everything I already defeated." Leo insisted, twisting his axe in his hand so the blades spun.

"Yeah, but you're the only one who damaged those things. What are the rest of us going to do?"

He shrugged as if to say, Do I really need your help?

In the end, we formulated a basic plan.

Meredeath stepped into the room first. She'd slipped on what she claimed were bracers. They looked like beaded black laces that went from the base of her fingers up her forearm.

"Hey turd!" she shouted at it, "You ready to go down the drain?"

The Golgothan didn't reply, but the floor rippled as though insulted on the demon's behalf.

Wham! A geyser of filth erupted under her feet, throwing her across the room.

"I've got Meredeath!" Tandy shouted, running to our ally.

Leo twirled his axe, "It's my turn." He charged forward with his axe singing.

He carved into the creature’s flank, the blade sinking halfway in with a squelch.

Straining, he pulled at the axe, trying to dislodge it. His tugs were futile. The axe kept sinking into the monster’s body.

"Leo, move!" I called, swinging hard through the center.

No resistance. My hammer hit nothing but jelly.

Completely overextended, I couldn’t stop the counter.

A surge of putrid waste slammed into my face.

Richard went flying. I hit the ground hard, vision doubling, as I rolled. My hammer vanished into the muck.

Bulbous growths appeared on its chest. Several grew rapidly, threatening to burst.

Leo's weapon began to shake loose.

Leo tugged harder. Meredeath was up, knife in hand, she threw.

It hit right in the chest, exploding a bubble.

Sulfurous gas enveloped Leo. Blinded, he staggered away.

"Cole, grab Leo's axe!" Tandy yelled. Leo’s axe was two-thirds gone. We were going to lose it if I didn’t do something.

I ran forward. Unarmed. Desperate. My foot slipped.

I smacked into the ground hard. The Golgothan loomed over me.

That's my hero!

"Richard, don't be a-"

Splat.

Something landed on my head. Heavy. Wet.

Everything faded.

[You, Cole Thornfield, are [Dead].]

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Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 19: You Can't Polish This

One might ask how I ended up back between Meredeath's thighs so soon.

"How much time's on our dungeon timer?" Meredeath asked as she used a dagger to cut at the glue pinning Leo to the ceiling. Richard’s glue hadn't mixed well with the dungeon's saliva.

The only person who could reach Leo was Meredeath, sitting on my shoulders.

I brought up the text, "It says 10 hours."

"Not long enough," Tandy was working on Richard, who was also glued to the floor.

I stumbled a little as the floor rippled. It was almost as though the dungeon was as unhappy at our slowness as the system. Meredeath, sitting on my shoulders, didn't bother to comment. She kept prying at the glue. So far, she'd freed his right arm.

"What's our plan?" Meredeath asked with nonchalance. I thought it was rich for her, this overpowered feline-human, to ask us.

"I think we need to talk about the tools at our disposal first," I wanted to know what she could do. The team needed to know about the range of possibilities. I also had questions for Richard.

The dull sound of blades sawing at toughened glue filled the cavern.

I opened my mouth to push, but Meredeath pulled at my hair. Looking up, she mouthed: You owe me. I jerked my head down.

Did I owe her? She'd saved my life, but we were in a dungeon together, so how much did that count?

Determined, I opened my mouth only to have her jerk my head again. Starting to get irritated, I looked up. Her panic softened into desperation. Eyes pleading, she mouthed: Please don't.

Shame burned in my chest. Was I really willing to override her wishes?

I amended my original statement: "Did anyone else pick up any new skills?"

Thank you.

I wanted to ask: Can you talk to anyone? Why are you talking to Meredeath? But I saved it for later, for someplace more private. Hopefully, survival and privacy were something I’d experience again.

"I didn't think we’d get any new skills until we finish the trial." Leo sounded tired. He mimicked the system in a stiff, fake voice, "Further details and rewards will be aggregated and awarded upon [Trial Dungeon] completion."

“Well, I’m not sure mine’s much of a ‘reward.’ I got [Minor Slime Manipulation].” I demonstrated by flicking a small bit of slime off my shoulder. Instead of flicking, it jerked to the side and oozed down my arm.

“Wow, that’ll save us in a pinch,” Meredeath said, what we were all thinking.

"This is the stupidest test I've heard of, and I've been having my grandmother test me my whole life!" Tandy grunted, slicing through a whole section. Richard was almost free.

"We've got two more chances. I caught them up on the intestines, but Meredeath, what made you and Richard turn around?" Leo asked as he scratched his nose with his free hand.

"Leo, you saved us. I have a [Breathe] skill that made me immune to the spores, but everything else fell asleep once the tunnels were saturated. First, Richard passed out. Then the tentacles, and finally, as I was watching, the floor boss. I killed it with one swipe, cradling a snoring Richard." I shifted my weight to my other foot, wondering what she'd used to swipe its throat. "Believe it or not, it dropped loot."

"I thought we couldn't get loot in the [Trial Dungeon]?" Leo's left hand snapped free. He was starting to pull at the glue around his chest.

Meredeath dug in her bra. At first, I thought a flake of glue had fallen in, but she retrieved something much better: an oversized brass key.

With a crack, Leo freed his torso. I helped Meredeath slide off my shoulders as Leo finished extricating himself. He landed smartly on his feet.

The tumble didn't dampen his enthusiasm. "Is that what I think it is?" He vibrated with excitement.

"Well, the key activates a bypass mechanism. So if that's what you think it is..." Meredeath trailed off, unsure what to do with his sudden enthusiasm.

"It's a [Progress Key]!" Leo exclaimed. Tandy looked at him like he'd grown a third eye.

"Sorry, Leo, I'm not up on dungeon lore as much as you are," I could tell it was hard for Tandy to admit, "But what the hell is a [Progress Key]?"

Leo grabbed the key from Meredeath and danced a little jig, "Cole, do you remember? Those old timers at the Ram's Horn? We can bypass any section of the dungeon we've already completed. It saves us from a repetitive grind. I thought they were only given out in the elite dungeons when you're given several chances to complete a run."

"Maybe it's here because it gave us three chances?" Tandy said as she stood up, holding a free Richard. He looked exhausted.

Tandy handed him over. Richard curled around my neck like usual. It was funny the things I was getting used to.

"No, there's a catch. I remember that night, that old [Brawler]..."

Ram's Horn had been slow, so they'd released me early for the night, and Leo had held the table down waiting for me to get off work.

We sat for two hours, just listening.

"You can use a [Progress Key] alright, but you should be careful," the grizzled [Brawler] had said. He took a long swig of his ale, drawing out his story. Wiping his beard, he continued, "You know why, right?"

"Oh, come on, Dian. You're a slow-boiling teakettle tonight, ain't you?" One of his teammates rolled their eyes, "If you're not going to tell her, I will, and it'll be much faster."

The [Brawler] Dain grinned, a nasty scar sat across his lips, "You never did know how to tell a story. Anyway, [Progress Keys] are a boon if you're trying to solve a dungeon, but if you're trying to level, they will hold you up—no levels or skills earned from what you bypass. The system only counts the last run. The final product of the team."

Their young teammate looked between the old warriors, awe in her voice, "Is that how Cerlon Hammerstrike finished the Labrinth, without loot?"

The old man grinned, "I told you she'd do. A smart one we've got here. Aye, that's the supposition. Although no one knows, as he'd lost his team."

"... any progress we've had so far in the dungeon won't be counted toward our final loot totals. Something like that?"

We looked at each other briefly before Meredeath spoke, "I don't know you all too well, but loot isn't any good if you're dead. I say we use it."

"Honestly, I'm willing to do anything that doesn't force me to take another acid bath," Tandy chimed in.

I looked at Leo. Tandy was never loot-focused. It'd always been Leo and me hoarding over our childhood treasures.

Even knowing all of that, his vote still surprised me, "I vote we save it. We've got two more chances. Why not use one of them to try again? I've waited my whole life for this chance, and I want to step into an [Adventurer] class with as much collective experience as possible."

Leo looked at me, his last hope. I had the power to throw us into a tie or move us forward. Richard was notably quiet. Leo was tense. I could tell he wanted this desperately. He'd been relegated to insignificance for so long that he would do anything to grasp this opportunity. I empathized. I wanted this too.

But it wasn't worth it if we didn't survive, "I hate to say this, Leo," he sighed, knowing my vote. "But I will have to go with Tandy on this one. You're almost untouchable, and you still died in the intestines. What if we need both our attempts to defeat whatever's next? Look, brother," I grabbed his arm, waiting for him to look at me. "You’ll have the rest of your life to accumulate all the levels, classes, and skills you can dream up. I want to be there to see you do it."

The words, the promise, sat between us. I held my breath, willing Tandy to stay quiet. I wanted him to come to this himself, instead of being harshly overruled.

"I've been dreaming for a long time." His mouth twitched into a sad smile, accepting my logic. "I've dreamed of a lot of levels, classes, and skills."

"I promise, I will help you get all the skills." I meant it, too. He deserved it.

Tension left his body at his acquiescence, "Fine. We use it. Now tell us about this final boss of yours."

All eyes returned to Meredeath. She nervously fiddled with her amulet. I hadn't looked closely at it before, but the ivory top was carved into a delicate skull. She was such an odd individual.

"I've heard tales of this monster, a moving illusion of it once. The stench is unbearable, and it has a gas attack that can hit swaths of [Adventurers] at once. I'm honestly shocked it's in a [Trial Dungeon]." She trailed off. My mind raced. What was waiting for us at the end of the road? How much did she know about dungeons?

Could it be a dragon? One of the legendary Gawools? Nothing high-level had made it to Woodsten yet, not since the Ursine Wall blocked the Wilds. Not with the magical guardians patrolling the mountains.

This [Trial Dungeon] threw out the rulebook. We had a [Progress Key], something [Adventurers] could go their entire career without earning once.

"What is it?" Tandy asked, impatient for the truth.

Meredeath hesitated before revealing, "It's a Golgothan."

"Wh-what the hell is that?" Leo asked the question we were all thinking. A Golgothan sounded terrible. Was it a miniature version of the Leviathan we were stuck in?

Meredeath turned the key over in her hands, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. It was apparent she wasn't going to give us more. I tapped Richard on the head.

It's a shit demon. Richard translated dryly. He was tired and unimpressed.

"Crap," I said, then slapped my hand across my mouth trying to hold in a chortle. Everyone looked at me, "That's a load of crap."

Meredeath's eyes twinkled as she nodded, "I couldn't have said it better." Tandy and Leo looked at us like we were lunatics.

"We're about to step in it." I grinned as Meredeath snorted.

She answered with her own joke, saluting Tandy as she said, "But it's our doo-ty to finish this dungeon."

Tandy looked at the two of us making poop jokes and shook her head, "It's a shit monster isn't it? Why does it always have to be such a shit-show with you two?”

Meredeath and I looked at her as she looked at us. We held it together for a few seconds before absolutely losing it. Wailing with laughter, I bent over, my sides hurting. Even Richard chuckled to himself.

Meet [Your Mom's Party]

Cole – The Reluctant Hero

Meet Richard: ‘immortal’ banana slug, emotional terrorist, dungeon life coach… Then there’s Cole. He just wants to survive. Richard has goals. Neither of them is optimistic.

In a world split between mundanes and adventurers, Cole rolled the worst specialization imaginable: [Self-Criticism]. One drunken mistake later, he’s conscripted into the front lines of a world-spanning war. First stop? A deadly trial dungeon with a sarcastic slug, a mysterious goth, and two best friends who are absolutely not qualified for this.

“Great, a trial dungeon. I’ll bring my spatula and crippling self-doubt.”

Tandy – The Best Friend

She had a plan. Then Cole and Leo happened.

Tandy is a genius crafter with a deep and irrational hatred of sheep.

“I don’t want to talk about wool.”

Leo – The Himbo

Strong. Loyal. Owns exactly one pink sweater. Would absolutely punch a duck for you. Leo is a sweater-wearing himbo with a double-bladed axe and a hit-first mentality.

“I’m not saying I’m strong, but I once hugged a bogquacker into unconsciousness.”

Meredeath – The New Girl

Meredeath? She’s goth. She’s powerful. And she’s not in Kansas anymore but she is kicking monster butt in platform boots.

“I know it’s cold, Richard. Would you like a steaming-hot corpse?”

Richard – The Animal Companion

Most adventurers dream of a fire-breathing wolf or a shadow panther. Cole got a one-foot-long banana slug with fangs. Decorative fangs.

Richard is a ‘foot-long’ telepathic jerk with a gift for emotional damage.

“I am immortal, majestic, and extremely moist. Respect me.”

Event: Litrpg Con

July 18 - 20, 2025
Denver, Colorado
Grand Hyatt
https://litrpgcon.com/

Come meet MJ Douglas/Reck Well and friends!

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 18: Aerial Acrobatics: Dungeon Edition

Okay, it's not that Meredeath's heavy, [Enlarge] is wearing off! Hurry!

The dungeon groaned as Richard slowly pulled Meredeath up its esophagus. It took everything in me to run towards the wet burps gurgling up.

Richard was just over the lip, uvula bobbing and tonsils twitching around him. The harness wrapped around him was oversized, and his usually vibrant yellow skin was muted with the strain.

The harness was an intricate masterwork that carefully distributed weight across Richard's chest. The slug was shrinking slowly as his skill wore off. He'd given up on moving forward and heavily excreted a blue, gluey slime cementing him in place.

The rope dug deeply into the flesh of the dungeon, and I struggled to get enough traction to pull any meaningful weight off of Richard's form.

The floor vibrated in a gastric warning of a suppressed barf. I did not want to be swimming again. I dug mercilessly, finally getting my fingers around the trailing line. I tried to anchor myself, pushing my heels deep into the floor.

Richard sighed as some pressure released from his body, but my hands burned. How had my little Fanged Banana Slug pulled Meredeath this far? My forearms burned, and sure enough, my stamina bar started to plummet. Richard quivered beside me, his [Enlarge] skill wearing off, and I took Meredeath's full weight.

"Leo, a little help!" I hissed. I needed his muscles. Adjusting my feet, I stood in a low squat using my legs as leverage. Slowly, the rope inched up. I couldn't believe Richard had made it this far. He must have burned an epic skill or two. I needed access to his class details.

Okay, I can trigger [Enlarge] again, but this is my last refresh for the month.

"Do it!"

I glanced back, realizing that Leo was almost to us. The man was hyper-focused on the rope in my hand and wasn't paying attention to his feet.

What is the fool doing? Oh shit, [Peel]!

Leo's giant foot came down squarely on Richard. Immediately, the full weight of Meredeath hit me, and I staggered forward off balance. I saw Leo comically flailing as it looked like he'd just slipped on ice. Ass over tea kettle he landed and bounced smacking into me.

I was sent headfirst back into the abyss. My grip on the rope broke entirely.

[Enlarge]! [Heroic Moment]!

The rope under me snapped taut at Richard's skills, but it was too slick to grab.

My descent started to pick up speed when I saw Meredeath. Wide-eyed, she braced for impact.

I twisted my body to the side, narrowly avoiding a head-on collision.

We were both coated in slime. I started to slide past, scrabbling for any hold modesty be damned.

My fingers finally caught on the belt of her harness. The rest of my body swung past us. I held on tight, causing the line to jerk.

Eyes closed, I didn't know if Richard could sustain us both. When he didn't move, I slowly opened an eye, only to close it again.

My face was pressed into Meredeath's thigh.

My arms ached. My stamina plummeted. But it was the burn in my ears that was unbearable.

I took a deep breath, no time for dignity.

At least it was a good sign we weren't moving. Even if Richard wasn't pulling us up, we weren't free-falling either.

Dangling from her harness, my face awkwardly plastered to Meredeath, I wouldn’t last long. My stamina bar was down to twenty percent as it started draining again.

"Well, hello there," Meredeath said, "You know we've just met, right? Normally, you buy the girl dinner first." Was that a joke?

She was a lot calmer than I was. My feet dangled uselessly. The fingers in the makeshift harness grated against my fingers. The walls were close, but too slimy to use as leverage.

I tried not to think about breathing.

"Sorry," I managed to choke out. We started dropping again, not rapidly, but slowly. We were pulling Richard in with us.

I kicked my legs, hoping to catch on to anything that would take some weight off my slug. The fleshy walls just gave way, offering no easy grip.

"Don't do that," Meredeath snapped. I stopped. "The dungeon will cough or retch. No good can come from it."

Her logic was sound, but it didn't comfort me much as I watched my stamina bottom out. A muscle spasmed as my health started dropping. We'd stopped falling, but we still weren't progressing up the tunnel.

"I'm not going to be able to hang on much longer," my voice sounded hollow. A muscle slowly started to tear in my shoulder.

"Adventuring is about trusting your team. Just hang on a moment, while Richard's working on his end. Tandy?" she yelled up. "Can you hear me? Can you weave Cole into my harness?" The dungeon shook, and we dropped another span. I let out a harsh scream as tendrils started wrapping around my body. "It's Tandy, you ninny. Stop fighting it."

The rope wound its way through my legs, gripping my butt. Meredeath grabbed my collar and hauled me up. I gasped as the pressure released. My stamina and health began to tick up as the running end pinned me to Meredeath. It was uncomfortable, body to body, face to face. Her breath smelled oddly of mint, as her sizable chest pressed against mine.

It was impossible not to look at her, but I tried nonetheless.

How strong was she? I was twice her size, and she lifted me like a rag doll.

"How?" I wasn't proud of the first word that came out of my mouth. Meredeath wasn't either.

"We're [Adventurers] Cole, did you think I was a useless waif because I look it?" I blushed, fully deserving of the mockery in her tone.

I didn't respond because even after watching her tear into the ribbons of hunger, that's exactly what I'd assumed. My inner embarrassment cut short as we started to slide back down the shaft. Whomever was anchoring us was beginning to lose their battle against gravity.

I'm losing my [Glue] skill, and Leo won’t be much use.

I was about to respond when Meredeath beat me to it, "Damn it Richard, we were almost there." She could hear Richard? Before I could ask, Meredeath started wriggling her body to free her arms and legs from the tangle. She reached for the wall, muttering a skill in an unidentifiable language, "[Schrödinger's Feline]."

"Can you hear him?" I didn't bother hiding the outrage in my voice. If we were about to fall, so be it, but had they been talking behind my back this whole time?

Meredeath opened her eyes, but they weren’t hers. Alien purple slitted eyes stared at me with a glassy flatness. Weren't her eyes green? Even across this alteration, I could tell she wasn't amused.

"Do you want to survive or grill me on my relationship to your slug?" her voice hissed like water on a hot pan. Her skin changed, and fine, dark hair grew rapidly on her face. "Hold on, Cole, this isn't easy."

Meredeath reached for the fleshy wall behind me. I craned my neck to see that her long fingernails had become claws. Her claws dug into the walls, gaining traction immediately. Meredeath kicked her legs out, earning a hold as well. Our weight came off the rigged line, as she clung to the dungeon's throat like a cat on curtains.

As I watched, her face continued to transform. Her eyes shifted into almond shapes, purple swirling around her vertical pupils. Her ears grew pointy and tufted. Not completely a cat, not entirely human.

Was this an [Adventurer] class? I'd never heard of shapeshifting skills. I felt useless as I dangled from Tandy's weave. Meredeath had to have an incredible class.

The dungeon revolted as she began to climb up. The walls shook violently, trying to remove us, as though we were a fish bone stuck in its throat.

It coughed, covering us in wet droplets of spit and mucus. Meredeath kept climbing, slow but steady. I tried to wipe the sticky mucus out of my eyes, but it wasn't easy with all the coils of rope around us.

"Stop it, or I'll have to drop you." Meredeath snarled. I dropped my arms, reduced to dead weight.

Meredeath climbed undeterred. Our bodies rose steadily. The rope harness helped. Although they weren't pulling us up anymore, someone was obviously bringing in the slack. The few times she'd lost her grip in a violent shudder, the rope held.

I tried and failed to fight my inner [Self Critic].

When we breached the mouth of the dungeon, it was chaos incarnate.

Tandy bounced on the tip of the dungeon's tongue. Leo stuck to the roof. Richard was glued in place, hauling in the slack.

No one noticed us at first. The dungeon was rumbling and tossing everyone around. As soon as we'd started pulling over the top, Meredeath's face began returning to normal.

Her eyes shifted green. The fur vanished like a fading illusion.

I was still pasted to the front of Meredeath in a rope and slime-fueled mess. She stood before the team as I hung in a hunched mess as though trapped in a baby sling.

"Sorry, not sure how to get us unstuck," Meredeath said out of the side of her mouth.

"That's what she said!" Leo yelled. Meredeath rolled her eyes.

[Skill Acquired: You have gained a new [Error - Class Not Located] skill, [Minor Slime Manipulation]. You have bonded in slime. This skill gives you minor control over your [Companion’s] slime.]

Took you long enough.

Did I get that because I’ve been cocooned in banana slug glue for the ascent? Gross.

All that struggle and I get a slime manipulation skill? It didn’t even help get me untangled from Meredeath. My mind drifted back to my dreams of a dire wolf companion with a frost breath skill.

Meredeath jiggled up and down, snapping me back to the present.

"Damn, can’t just shake you off. Thanks for the assist, Richard. Tandy, please tell me you can unweave us?" Meredeath called to our teammate, shifting her body so I could see everyone out of the corner of my eye, "No offense, but I like to get to know a guy first."

"None taken," I whispered back, craning my neck to see a thoroughly disheveled Tandy slowly walk over. She looked like she'd made out with a dragon. Dizzy, she carefully picked her way to us. "You okay?"

Tandy's glazed eyes focused on me slowly before she spoke, "Yes? I've got a concussion from getting knocked around. Give me a moment to decide what skill would be best."

"A concussion? Aren't weaving skills mind ba-"

"[Unintended Weave]," Tandy called her skill with an unsteady voice, collapsing in a heap. The ropes that wound us dropped away, along with every stitch in my shirt.

Meredeath shook her foot, releasing the last coil as she stepped away. Leo gave a loud wolf whistle as I stood topless.

Tandy waved at me, "Sorry. Want me to try to fix it?"

"No, that's okay. I'll just... grab something out of my pack over there." I carefully stepped around Tandy, not wanting more of her undressing magic.

I pulled out one of my older shirts, an off white number with a lace-up on the chest.

"Don't you [Adventurer] types always defeat dungeons bare-chested?" Meredeath teased as I threw my shirt over my head.

I do!

I tugged my head through the collar only to be granted a vision of Richard with his chest proudly puffed out in all its naked, slime-coated glory.

Meredeath laughed as I began to wonder if Richard was an exhibitionist.

Unseeing a foot-long, fanged banana slug in a bodybuilder pose is tough. But I was going to spend the rest of my life trying.

"What's next?" I asked, every bit of me resigned to the next horror.

Tandy chuckled darkly, "The only way out is through." She pointed to the throat. I was starting to question my life choices.

"Hey guys. First, can someone get me down?"

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 17: Five Points Per [Florist]

Runes began to glow on the top jaw of the dungeon. Energy gathered above our heads, whirling into a portal. I could see Leo, or rather his body in the void, falling towards us. A gruesome injury cut across his face and torso, splitting him almost in two.

His flesh and sinew knit together as he got closer to us, until he fell through the portal, smacking into the floor with a wet plop.

Leo bounced up to his full six-foot, bearded lumberjack self. Eyes wild, he crouched as though expecting an attack.

"Cole, wait,” Tandy said in a quiet warning, pulling me up short as I stepped towards Leo.

Examining Leo, I understood, seeing his white knuckles glued to the shaft of his enchanted axe. He was still living the nightmare of his death.

I put my hands out wide, looking as nonthreatening as possible.

"Leo, it's us. You're safe. You died, but we get three chances, remember?" I kept my voice calm and level, as I felt his panic through our [Partial Rapport].

Tandy stood nervously but said, "It's us, Leo. Cole and Tandy, you're okay."

His red rimmed eyes locked on mine. I shivered. I'd never seen my friend so freaked out. The [Enchanted Axe of Singing] slowly lowered to the ground and slipped from his fingers as humanity returned to his eyes.

He brought his hands to his face, probing the unbroken skin, searching for the ghost of the life-ending tear across his body.

I looked back at Tandy for reassurance, but she looked as out of depth as I felt.

"I'm whole?" Leo’s words were tiny, broken. They were harsh in the normal jovial tone of my friend.

I nodded, "Yes, you're fine. We're here. Three chances, remember? Tandy, want to get some water?"

Leo let out an ugly sob of relief. Dreams of adventure never included the nasty feeling of choking on monster bile as it ate your skin, or being ripped in half by the gods know what.

I stepped forward, wrapping him in a hug, "We've got you." Tandy joined in, adding her warmth.

Three-fifths of [Your Mom’s Party] hugged it out. I’m sure we were an odd sight, a huddle in the mouth of a Leviathan. Clinging to sanity through the comfort of a familiar bond.

Eventually, we grew self-conscious. We were [Adventurers] now, and group hugs weren’t sexy. Imagine if Richard caught us?

Tandy held out a canteen for Leo, asking the question we’d been avoiding, "You want to tell us what happened?”

“Are we safe here?” Leo eyed the neat rows of teeth.

“As long as you don’t try to perform dental surgery.” He gave me a hard stare. I rushed to assure him, “We’re as safe as we can be in a dungeon. No sign of any root canals.”

He took a long, slow sip from the canteen, as though stalling his words, “I jumped into the soup, but I was too late.” His voice caught. I sympathized. When I saw Tandy’s prone body, I thought my heart had been ripped out. “I lost it, all I could see was red. It didn’t take long for Meredeath and me to finish the ribbons of hunger.”

It sounded like some berserker skill.

“The room slowly drained, revealing another chute, except it was clenched shut. I wanted to come back here and find the two of you, but Meredeath convinced me that pushing on was better. Any knowledge of the next zone would benefit our next attempt.”

I couldn’t argue with the logic, but I wasn’t sure I would have reached the same conclusion. Meredeath was oddly experienced for a [Provisional Adventurer].

Leo's voice shook as he continued, "Richard tickled the chute open, don't ask. He sat on Meredeath’s shoulders as we traveled through a never-ending intestine filled with parasitic traps. Long tendrils waved from the walls, attracted to sound. If they found you, tentacles popped out of the walls that shredded skin. We moved slowly, step by step, squeezing by tendrils, pustules, and tentacles." I could feel the tension in his voice.

“I fucked up.” His eyes sought mine, as though he needed my forgiveness. “I brushed a pustule, and it blew up, filling the air with spores. I immediately started coughing. The tendrils wrapped around me as a wall opened with a giant tentacle. I didn’t even get a chance to defend myself before I got ripped…” in two. My mind finished what he couldn’t.

"Hey, it's okay," I said mechanically. But was it? The image of Leo’s body falling, skull bare, scalp pulled back, his torso shredded, stuck in my heart right next to Tandy’s limp body, blistered and inert.

I found better words: “Next time, we’ll do better. Not die.” He looked up for the first time in his story, a small smile cracking his face.

“Not die, right. Why didn’t I think of that?” Leo’s smile had turned into a chuckle. Tandy looked at us like we were lunatics.

Tandy handed us both a wrapped sandwich from her pack. She’d thought of everything. It was a peanut spread with crusted berries. The sweet and tart were a welcome distraction from the grossness of the dungeon.

Leo's disposition improved with food. Time helped too, I suspected something about our [Adventurer] class helped blunt the most traumatic events.

I broke the silence of our chewing, “Leo, have you ever wanted a pet? Something like Richard?”

Tandy laughed, “As though there’s anything like Richard.”

Leo shrugged, “Not really. I never wanted a pet. I always thought they were too much work. Plus, they’re always a lower level than yours, so how much help could they be?”

“Richard’s been pretty useful.” He’d saved my life a couple of times now.

“For a [Fanged Banana Slug], he’s incredible,” Tandy’s words dripped with sarcasm.

“You forgot, he’s immortal.” I grinned.

“Allegedly,” Tandy bantered back.

"But what level is he?" Leo asked nonchalantly. Tandy elbowed him, and they shared a look. Whatever that was about.

"It's blocked out. I figured I’ll find out once we lose the provisional part of [Adventurer]."

I sent a mental poke towards Richard. He was either out of range or something prevented longer-distance telepathic communication in the dungeon.

Tandy nodded, “Yeah, probably. If we live long enough. I have the threat profile of a wet kitten."

Finished with lunch, I unhooked my hammer, checking for rust. My fingers traced each indent like they were old friends.

My [Analyze] skill had been working in the background. It didn’t speak in words, but the logic kept threading together. If my hunch about Leo was correct, I’d cracked the puzzle.

“Leo, can you bring up your class interface?”

A shadow passed over his face. "Class interface? I haven't. Never had a class to look at. Let me give it a try." He blinked at the interface, awe temporarily clearing the strain from his face, "Oh wow, there it is! I've got the [Provisional Adventurer] class,” his voice slowed, “and a bunch of… abandoned classes?”

The first part of my theory proved true. Abandoned classes signified a considerable waste of time. Most folks had a couple, but who spent significant time across a wide range of skills?

Leo. Leo had toiled across dozens of professions. I suspected the system could not grant him an actual class, so it simply shunted them into the abandoned category.

"How many abandoned classes?" I asked, trying not to sound excited. This bit of information would prove my theory. I suspected we got credit for classes, whether active or abandoned, and our skills.

The calculation for Leo should be straightforward. He had no skills to confuse the numbers. With 50 health, 90 stamina, and 10 magic, he had 150 points across the categories. If I was right, it meant he had 30 abandoned classes—an inconceivable number.

"Let's see, I've got [Forester], [Chef], [Shepherd], [Florist], [Fixer]..."

"You were a [Florist]?" I asked, curiosity overwhelming the need to solve the mystery.

Leo turned pink. "I-I don't know why it thinks that!" There was obviously a story, but I decided not to press. "I haven't been anything, remember? I'm the no-class guy. It's claiming I've had 30 abandoned classes."

Of course, Leo had thirty abandoned classes. He didn’t know how to stop trying.

I plugged the number into my calculations, and to my utter amazement, they worked.

By the Everbear, I’d solved the puzzle!

"Five points per class," the secret bubbled out of me, as I looked at Tandy. Her fingers jumped as she did the mental math, comparing her numbers.

Her eyes sought mine, “And a point per skill.” I nodded affirmation.

The leaps in logic took us to the next logical conclusion. I spoke the final rule out loud, “Each class and skill stacks towards either health, stamina, or magic.”

She frowned at my statement, “That’d mean most of my [Weaver] skills go against magic? I can’t dispute the evidence, but it doesn’t make sense.”

“Can you tell me what’s going on?” Leo had lost his patience with us. Tandy, thankfully, stepped in to explain. This was reason number 231 why I didn’t want to be the [Party Leader].

Had we stumbled upon a mathematical secret of the system? It was unusual to have so many abandoned classes. Coupling that with the low percentage of the population that became [Adventurers]... it was possible.

What made Leo's life miserable in the mundane world made him epic in the [Adventurer] world. This was a secret worth more than any dungeon treasure.

As though frustrated with our breakthrough, the dungeon convulsed. Thick gobs of saliva hung from the wall. The jaw of the beast slowly closed.

Leo had to crouch significantly to avoid the moist, spit-soaked ceiling of the cavern.

The dungeon’s teeth clenched, then ground together. The floor rippled in distaste.

“What the hell is going on?” Tandy shouted, eyes jumping around looking for the first root canal to break free.

What's up, loser?

Richard’s mental greeting rang in my head.

“It’s Richard!” I pointed at the sudden slack in the anchored rope. Within minutes, an oversized Richard slowly came into view.

He was wrapped in a makeshift harness, slowly pulling something up the beast’s throat.

The dungeon burped, giving us all a stench worthy of its irritation.

A little help, please? Meredeath’s heavier than she looks.

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 16: Skill Check: Trust

Tandy paced even in death.

Her footsteps sloshed on the dungeon's tongue as we waited for the rest of our party to die.

The dungeon mouth had been reset, and each root canal was returned to its original place.

Tandy muttered to herself, trying to determine what we'd done wrong. What could we do differently? Why wasn't the rest of the party dead yet?

I had the same thoughts, but had dipped into using my [Meditative State] skill to see the questions bubble up. And let go of them effortlessly. Besides, what was the point? We couldn't survive that deathtrap with the perfect plan.

My thoughts turned darker. What bothered Tandy the most wasn't that we failed but that she’d been the first to fail. Catastrophic failure wasn’t something Tandy Selvedge did.

I stared at the portal rune on the fourth incisor. Cole Thornfield, however, was used to this sort of thing. I closed my eyes, feeling for the team. Leo was close to joining us. Meredeath and Richard seemed fine.

Saliva slowly oozed through my pants as I sat cross-legged on the floor. I had full health and stamina when we were portaled back into existence, and all my state conditions vanished. Everything had been erased.

"I still don't understand why I have so little health and an untouchable pool of magic." Tandy finally plunked herself next to me, grey shawl across her shoulders. She picked at her cuticles, a long-suffered habit I thought she'd outgrown. "I have the most advanced mundane class of our trio."

Leo and I had always wondered why the system hated us.

It never made sense why Leo couldn't gain a class. The man worked for a living. He hopped from job to job, always giving 100%, hoping to finally earn a class and prove himself.

I couldn't claim the same work ethic as him, but I tried. I studiously learned the basics, and as soon as I was eligible for a specialization, I earned the worst possible one.

Theoretically, specializations were something to celebrate, as they weren't earned frequently. Some folks didn't get one until they were deep into their professions.

Not me, I'd get a colossally disappointing message as soon as I hit level 10 that I'd specialized in the most mundane, idiotic thing. It'd be focused on an attribute I'd worked on, but nothing significant, prestigious, or practical.

At least Tandy had magic. It didn't do her much good yet, but if we figured out how to survive, it should. Admittedly, she was going to have a hard time surviving. But so was I.

I was the anchor that was going to hold us back.

"Cole, snap out of it." I raised my head, not realizing I'd been slouched over, holding my head in my hands. Tandy snapped her fingers before my eyes, "Your [Self Critic] skill is at it. This has nothing to do with you."

Bringing up my active skill display, I found Tandy was right. [Self Critic] had quietly triggered. It slipped into active like a sly parasite on my psyche.

Manually turning it off, I immediately felt better as the spiral let go.

I triggered my daily [Meditation] based skill, [Analyze]. I wasn't sure how it worked, except that it boosted my thoughts. Problems were easier to solve. The skill lasted half an hour, as evidenced by the clock counting down in the corner of my vision.

There had to be logic behind it all.

"Okay, Tandy, let's think this through. I've got three active classes: [Smith], [Chef], and [Meditation]. All with specializations. I guess four if you count [Provisional Adventurer]." I wasn't telling her anything she didn't already know, but saying it out loud felt wrong. People didn't talk about their classes and skills.

I knew, however, if we were to solve the puzzle, we'd need to share. I was also hoping that Tandy would, for once, open up about her build. She'd already walked away from her family legacy. What did she have to lose at this point?

Her brown eyes searched mine. This was the moment. We'd been best friends most of our lives, but had never bridged the gap about our classes. We'd avoided the topic when Leo was around, trying to spare him the pain.

Her reluctance had always gone beyond Leo’s feelings and the general taboo. Tandy's family had always been obsessively secretive about her progression.

“What classes do you have?” I realized I'd never flat-out asked her until now, as the question hung between us.

If we were going to be a successful adventuring party, we had to trust each other. She was still hesitating.

Was she going to open up, or keep her family secrets? I watched as she stared blankly off into space, locked in an internal battle. Her jaw was clenched.

I decided to push. "Look, we've got to figure this out. It's time to go all in, Tandy. Trust me. Trust in us." We'd been friends for a long time, but none had made that last leap of faith to family. I'd measure the words and say them kindly, but firmly.

I saw when she decided to pick her chosen family over her blood. Eyes rose to meet mine, full of determination. My whole world pivoted as she began to speak, "I have one class. You already know the level.”

Just one? Impossible. Everyone had at least one side class. My mind raced, and I concluded she must have abandoned all her side classes in her narrow-minded pursuit of [Weaver].

So I asked the next logical question, "How many abandoned classes do you have? I've got five: [Farmer], [Shepherd], [Weaver], [Janitor], and [Builder]. I still can't believe I got [Builder] from our little forts we built as kids, and you were always more involved than I was. You've got to have [Builder]?" I suspected most of our village had a similar array of abandoned classes to mine. They weren't challenging to pick up in childhood pursuits unless you were Leo.

Three was the sweet spot for active classes. Tandy was hyper-focused on one. It was unusual, but possible.

Anything over five was nearly impossible. The grind to demonstrate proficiency, much less progress, was insurmountable. The system inactivated classes that weren't used, causing you to lose all your associated skills.

I'd held onto [Smith] because I used [Basic Heat Tolerance] and [Steady Temperature] all the time as [Chef]. I'd pick up a shift at the forge once a month for a little extra cash, allowing me to keep my other [Smith] skills active enough, like [Pound], [Nailed It], and [Hammer Time].

"... and that's why I have [Builder]." Crap, I missed a whole segment of what she said. Concentrating, I followed her discussion thread, trying to figure out what I missed. "I earned it by accident. I hid it from Grandma for years because I loved making those net forts of ours. Even though it was against the plan…"

Her voice trailed off sadly as she was lost in the memory. I remembered the day her mom stomped into our tree hideout. Furious, she’d [Unbound] the fort with a wave of her hand.

Tandy had fallen hard, bruising her shoulder. Leo and I were lucky to escape with our lives.

Tandy's mom had been pitiless, hauling her off crying without a backward glance. Our childhood ended that day.

Everything changed. Tandy was forbidden to hang out with us. Leo and I couldn't come close to her towering webs of thread, so we gave up. A curtain had been drawn, keeping everyone at a distance.

Until Leo’s twenty-fifth. Until now.

Tangent aside, my [Analyze] skill clamored for the segment of conversation before she talked about her [Builder] class.

Awkwardly, I interjected, "I missed it. Did you say you had another abandoned class?"

Tandy looked away, "[Herbalist], I used to help my dad pick flowers to use in dyes before they discovered my ability to [Weave]." She never talked about her absent dad. Although my mind itched to have her elaborate and dig in on that mystery, I refused to lose focus.

So far, in our comparison, we were different, but not by too much. She had two abandoned classes to my five. I moved to the next logical question, "How many skills do you have active?" She frowned, and I knew I was pushing my luck to get her to share this data. I offered up my skills, hoping it'd tip her over into sharing, "I've got," I brought up my internal stat sheet, "Oh wow, I've got thirty now."

I hadn't noticed a skill related to Richard until now. Frowning, I read the most peculiar description for a skill I'd ever seen:

[Companion] (from [Error - Class Not Located]): Allowed user to bond with [Richard, the Fanged Banana Slug].

It was yet another mystery about Richard that needed to be solved, if we ever got time and he was in the mood to talk. I'd never seen the system admit to an error.

"Are you sure you want to know?" I mentally shelved my thoughts about Richard. Tandy was still hesitating. She looked away, as though ashamed, and a faint blush of embarrassment colored her cheeks.

"Out with it. It can't be that bad." She was a level 40 [Threadmarked Weaver]. She had to have at least double or even triple the skills I had.

Confident, self-assured Tandy wouldn't meet my eyes as she meekly squeaked out, "I've got a little over two hundred skills."

Holy shit. Hundreds of skills. That wasn’t just an advantage; she played a completely different game. No wonder her family guarded their secrets.

Her hesitation was because she'd been afraid to embarrass me. I felt like an amateur in life. This must be what Leo felt as we tiptoed around him. I took a breath, grounding myself. Tandy was a generational talent. The whole of Woodsten knew it. Being jealous of her was like envying a hawk for its wings.

"Okay," I forced a smile. "Well, that's a difference between our builds. Damn Tandy, good job!" It stung, but I was proud of her. "I can't imagine Leo has skills, considering he could never earn a class. I have to think those skills influenced your magic points. Is weaving classified as magic? Has your grandma talked about anything like that?"

She tightened her shawl around her shoulders like armor against the fetid air between us. She was comically out of place. Tandy'd spent most of her life in a [Weaver]'s studio with her family or working at the town's shearing barn. Well manicured, she'd always had well-woven braids and carefully controlled emotions.

Now we sat in the literal mouth of a dungeon, warily eyeing the dormant teeth. Saliva soaking into every bit of cloth, her hair escaping every attempt to tame. I was equally ridiculous, the third cook at a second-rate tavern, mostly relegated to dishes and gruel. I sat, playing [Adventurer], covered in bile with my old hammer attached at the hip like a real weapon.

We were out of our respective comfort zones. But we were trying. I was proud of us, of her.

Tandy started to answer my question, "Mom and grandma, they-"

The dungeon inhaled sharply. Tandy's shawl slipped from her shoulders.

[Your [Party Member] Leo Patch is [Dead].]

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 15: The Ties That Burn

To my horror, I swallowed the frothy sludge. The acid burned all the way down. Lungs on fire, I fought aspiration as my stomach roiled.

[You have been [Poisoned]. All health regeneration has stopped. If you already suffer a health debuff, you will lose an additional health point every thirty seconds.

Currently [Poisoned] stacks with [Acidified]. You lose two health points every thirty seconds.]

My health bar had already turned a brownish-red color due to my [Diseased] state, and was now shot through with a sickly green. The bar pulsed in anger, as though judging me for my mistakes. My eight health points would vanish in a flash at the rate of my debuff. I had to do something fast.

I was pulled through the lake like my foot was caught in the stirrup of a runaway horse. The joints of my leg ached with pressure.

Desperately, I called on [Heartbeat], tugging on the string connecting me to Meredeath, begging for help. All my senses were overwhelmed with water and debris, so I used [Stillpoint] and slowed everything down, ignoring all but Meredeath's thread. I needed help.

Suddenly, Meredeath was there. We collided as I raced by, except suddenly my ankle was free. Bobbing up, I gasped for breath. Meredeath reeled from our collision. The lake was in absolute chaos.

The water frothed with movement. Splashing as ripples and waves smacked into each other, throwing droplets of acid into the air. Mixed in the surf were threads rolling and churning through the water as they rubbed against friend and foe in a frenzy of excitement.

A tendril of something snaked up the rope towards Tandy. Leo looked ready to jump in to save her. Precariously balanced, he wobbled indecisively on his axe.

Meredeath, who I thought had been reeling from our collision, instead had used the momentum to spin faster. She dipped her claws in and out of the water, a maelstrom of death. Red foam and dead bodies of an eel-like creature bobbed in the surf.

To free me, Meredeath had left the base of the rope dipping into the water. Even with Leo pulling Tandy up, enough was coiled in the lake that I could see white wormlike threads coiling up after Tandy. I'd admire their ability to climb a vertical surface if they weren't monsters.

"Meredeath, Tandy's in trouble." Our worm death-dealer stood, checking her surroundings. Her claws showed a dark ebony, tipped with dripping blood. She looked feral as her eyes scanned the lake, searching for her next victim.

She started moving towards Tandy and the rope, but her progress was slow as the ribbons of hunger targeted her. The white ribbons rippled under the surface, skin flashing in the magical light of Meredeath’s glow orbs.

I felt helpless as a ribbon coiled around Tandy's foot. Within seconds, the monster tossed her into the lake like unwanted garbage. Two more worms wriggled towards Leo, pushed by an unending hunger.

I'd made it to the lake’s edge, finding a dry patch of stomach lining. Richard clung to my shoulders. With my feet out of the lake, my health stabilized. Regeneration was cut off, but I wasn’t losing ground either.

One of the worms pushed onto the shore next to me.

I brought my hammer down on the creature, pinning it down for a closer look. It writhed, trapped under the head of my hammer. The monster was only a couple of inches thick. Instead of fish scales or a slippery eel skin, the beast was lined with the suction cups of an octopus. Slowly, the monster slowed, as life drained out of it.

The system is identifying them as [Ribbons of Hunger]. No detail given. But we both know we’ll all die if they reach Leo.

Richard's usually jovial voice had been replaced with dead seriousness. He slithered down my arm, looking up at me. His skin was off, pocketed with acid marks and green with [Poison].

I holstered my hammer, the crushed ribbon of hunger no longer moving.

You need to throw me at the rope.

His little eyes looked serious.

"If we miss, you're dead. You won't be able to get out of the lake in time." I said my fear out loud. He may have been right, but no part of me wanted his life riding on my throwing arm.

Then don't miss. Besides... I'm immortal.

He arched his back with a brash grin, all confidence. I didn't dare question his immortality.

Instead, I grabbed him by the tail, prayed to the god of slugs, and threw. If he was indignant about being thrown by his tail, it was lost as the foot-long banana slug cartwheeled end over end through the air.

He hit the rope with a loud squeak.

That throw had a lot of... enthusiasm.

His voice had returned to the dry sarcasm I'd learned to expect. Smiling, I saw his bare fangs descend on the incoming worms.

That's my slug. I sent him a silent wish of luck and waded in to help Tandy.

My health had dropped to a mere 5 points.

Tandy had worms pulling her under. I grabbed a hand with one arm and pulled her towards Meredeath. Her head popped out of the froth, eyes wild as she gripped my arm.

Her fingers slipped.

Using both hands and all of my leg muscles, I pulled her towards Meredeath.

"Hold her still, I'll take care of them," Meredeath called, diving for Tandy like a predator on the hunt. She whirled in the water like a tornado of claws, using some unknown skill.

Meredeath struck with surgical accuracy. The worms evaporated in a spray. I carried Tandy's limp form slowly towards the wall where she could sit out of the lake. Meredeath joined me, taking the majority of Tandy's weight.

Not six feet from the rope, my body spasmed as my health dropped to a mere three points. Flashing warnings alerted me to the helpful fact that death was imminent.

I hesitated, torn between helping Tandy and getting to safety quickest.

"Go, I've got her," Meredeath's harsh voice broke the tie.

Richard clung to the rope, midline. Slug slime trailing behind him like a triumphant banner. His fangs gleamed as he dispatched his second writhing target.

I ran for the rope as though my life depended on it.

My health was down to two. Skin was such an insufficient barrier to stomach acid.

With a leap, I grabbed salvation with both hands, pulling my body out of the gastric stew.

I hung, feet tucked under me, out of the lake, and watched [Acidified] blink out. My health didn't improve because I was still [Poisoned], but it wasn't decreasing anymore. I arduously pulled my body up. Looking inward, I realized that hanging onto the rope drained me of stamina every half minute. This meant tops, I could cling for another nine minutes, and that didn't count my [Diseased] debuff, or any feats of strength I'd need to go up the rope.

I struggled, manually pulling myself higher. Unlike Tandy, Leo wasn't pulling me up.

My stamina drained faster. I had to get higher so Tandy could join me on the rope. She was going to need to get out of the stew, too.

Suddenly worried, I looked down, checking on her.

Meredeath had propped Tandy on the shore, the only relatively safe spot other than the rope. Meredeath fought like a cornered rat as dozens of ribbons of hunger followed her ashore. Tandy was slumped unconscious behind Meredeath.

Her body splayed out like a marionette without strings.

Dread crept up my throat as I examined her too limp form. I followed the outline of her foot, that'd been jostled. It dipped low, back into the miasmic surf, surely stealing the last of her life.

My sheep-hating weaver friend who just wanted to escape Woodsten. Was gone.

I hadn't gotten the notification yet, but I knew.

Her body lay on the shore like an abandoned shell. Empty. Lifeless. The tension in her brow, the strain in her jaw, gone. Her face held an oddly serene expression of relief.

Reaching out with [Partial Rapport], I felt a void where Tandy's warmth had been. The system confirmed what we already knew with a message.

[Your [Party Leader] Tandy Selvedge is [Dead].]

My hand slipped as the death notice blinked in my head. One of the strings holding me up had snapped.

My heart ached unbearably for an unwavering moment before a dull numbness washed all feeling out.

"Tandy!" Leo shouted a heartbroken wail. The rope shook as he reached futilely for his abandoned friend, hands pawing at the emptiness between them.

The walls convulsed, reacting to Leo's shout. A wall of rotten digestive juice coated me from head to toe. My vision flickered red as my health ticked down.

One health point. My fingers burned as my arms shook. The rope was slipping. I was slipping.

In all the days I'd dreamed of being an [Adventurer], in the stories we told of our [Trial Dungeon] success and failure, I hadn't imagined the taste of bile. The slosh and sizzle of burning acid as it marked my skin. Or the desperate fear in a slug's face as the cool brackish water closed over my body.

[You, Cole Thornfield, are [Dead].]

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 14: [Reassemble], Break Down

Gravity pulled Richard and me through the terminal hole, dumping us into free fall.

[Root canal defeated. You have earned experience. Further details and rewards will be aggregated and awarded upon [Trial Dungeon] completion.]

My “fuck you!!!” scream echoed in the dark cavern. A light source flared below, as I watched a foamy, acrid lake rapidly approach.

The smell of bile confirmed it. We were about to bathe in a lake of stomach acid.

Richard clung, as I held my breath, waiting for impact.

I belly flopped right into the lake, Tandy's pack knocking all the air I'd been hoarding out of my mouth. The liquid ate at my eyes, so I squeezed them shut as I awkwardly kicked my feet, trying to get my head above water. Trying not to choke on the acid I accidentally inhaled. Between the hammer on my hip, my bag on my shoulders, and Tandy's pack in my hand, I just sank.

When my feet touched the bottom, I kicked off awkwardly, hoping it'd give me enough momentum to break through to the surface. A small part of my brain told me to let go of Tandy's bag, unhook my hammer, detach Richard, and slip away.

My lungs burned as I hit the apex of my jump. Instead of panicking, all I felt was the heavy weight of regret.

Then something grabbed my shoulders. Breaking the surface suddenly, I didn't care if it were a monster, I just sucked in giant gulps of air.

Lungs satisfied, I began fighting for my life as I was hauled across the water like a hooked fish. Kicking and thrashing, my eyes were blurry.

One of my feet brushed the bottom of the lake. The water was shallower here. If I could get enough leverage, I could toss my attacker.

It's Meredeath, you idiot.

I stopped fighting, and the helping hands relaxed their grip. Wiping the frothy lake water off my face, I tentatively opened my eyes. Everything burned slightly like I'd received the season’s first sunburn. As my vision cleared, the dark-clad Meredeath stood.

Her clothes and hair were damp, probably my fault, but otherwise she looked in perfect health. A glowing orb bobbed above her head, and a ring on her right hand glowed quietly.

Sheepishly, I gave a head bob of thanks.

"What took you guys so long?" She asked as we watched Tandy fall from the ceiling. She screamed, too, but had enough presence of mind to ball up before hitting the lake.

All of my anger at her deserting us drained out of me. Seemingly, she really had expected us to follow her.

"We tried to fight the root canals."

"Huh," Meredeath began wading out to retrieve Tandy. "I can't tell if you guys are brave or stupid."

Stupid.

"Probably both," I called, ignoring Richard as I shivered by the cavern wall.

The place smelled atrocious, like a compost bin in the kitchen when it hadn't been turned frequently enough. Chunks of half-digested food floated in the liquid.

The walls rumbled, sloshing the lake. Ripples formed, impacting each other and generating a foamy aftereffect.

I decided it was time to stop ignoring my notifications and immediately regretted the choice:

[Indigestion Event - This terrain is undergoing acidification due to an indigestive event. Acid levels will increase until irritant is removed.]

[You are [Acidified]. Lose one health point every thirty seconds until this environmental condition is removed.]

I focused on my stats. My health had already dipped to 20/25 health points. It wouldn’t take long for the lake to kill me, and even less time for it to kill Tandy.

[You are [Diseased]. Bites are one of the worst sources of infection. Bites in an acidic lake of biological pathogens are even worse. That numb feeling in your foot is not a good sign. You lose one stamina point every ten minutes until you are cleansed.]

Tandy had bobbed up with Meredeath a few feet away. She looked a lot more put together than I felt.

"We're in trouble. I've been informed there's an [Indigestion Event] that has given me an [Acidified] debuff, and I'm losing two health points a minute. I've got less than 10 minutes, and Tandy had even less."

A giant blob of something green floated by, caught in an invisible current. I tried hopping on it to escape the goop, but it sank under my weight.

The walls of the cavern, the stomach, stretched and gave as I tried to climb up, but no matter how much I tried, I couldn't get my body wholly out of the soup.

Meredeath watched quietly as I wore myself out.

My skin itched, every bit of it soaked. My foot throb was muted, which only made me worry more. My eyes burned, and everything had a hazy halo effect.

Meredeath looked perfect. She was damp, but for all her journey to rescue the two of us, she looked like she'd just taken a dip in an alpine lake. It had to be magic.

Uncharitably, I was grateful that Tandy looked as bedraggled as I felt.

Out of ideas and frantic energy, I stared off into space numbly.

"Any ideas?" Tandy was exhausted. She leaned against the wall, her hand sinking into the mid-forearm.

"I can't believe how this stuff affects you. I must be immune." She looked at us, almost bored, unimpressed with our lack of self-preservation. Like any idiot would have prepared to be immune to acid in a dungeon. My eyes narrowed. How could she possibly be immune?

My anger flared as I spoke, "Yes, it's affecting us. You need to help us losers, or you’ll be without a team, and according to Malyc, that means you'll fail the dungeon too."

She abandoned us to the hangry teeth above, then acted superior. That her gear and skills backed her attitude up just pissed me off even more.

"Hey guys! Anything I can do to help?" Leo's voice called cheerily off-key from my outburst.

The cavern vibrated, sloshing foamy acidic liquid everywhere. Richard whined as a wave broke over my shoulders. My health points kept dropping.

"Good to know you have a backbone after all," Meredeath murmured, giving me a wink. What the hell was wrong with this woman? She tapped her ring and threw another light ball out of it, towards Leo.

"My vision's still hazy, can either of you see him?" I squinted at my friend, but everything was still foggy.

The idiot has embedded his axe across the hole and is standing on it.

"Do you have any rope? Can we climb up to you?" I called. It was the obvious solution, although I wasn't sure how much weight the shaft of Leo's axe could take.

"No rope in my pack." Well crap.

Tandy broke in, "If we could find my pack, we'd be fine."

I frowned. "What's in your pack?" I held up the bedraggled bag that'd almost drowned me twice.

Tandy looked at it stupidly before her face split with a huge grin. She sloshed over to me, hand outstretched like I held something precious. I happily let her take it. Tandy plopped her bag on a green floating chunk as she rifled through the bag, pulling out a small slice of the same type of rope I'd untangled an esophagus ago.

She held it up like a long-forgotten messiah, shouting, "[Reassemble]!"

The skill pulled her up off her feet. Meredeath grabbed her other hand, helping support Tandy as the magic took effect. The rope’s end glowed with her usual warm golden magic as it tried to restore itself.

"Ouch, what the hell?" Leo's curse rang out, a good sign. Tandy started sliding again towards the middle of the lake. I helped Meredeath, wrapping my arms around Tandy's waist.

The rope snapped together. One end was held tightly in Tandy's hands, and the other was tied to the distant tooth in the mouth of the dungeon.

As though the [Trial Dungeon] knew we'd outsmarted its trap, the water level dropped dramatically. I ignored my internal warning bells, grateful the water level was only hip deep below the rope. My eyes finally started to clear, and I could see Leo waving with a stupid grin.

"I don't have much health left. Do you mind if I go first?" Tandy's voice had an edge to it, and for the first time, it hit me how fragile her base stats were.

Meredeath looked unconcerned, so I spoke up, "Of course, I've got a few more minutes. Let me give you a leg up." I bent down, cupping my hands so she could get some lift. The faster we got her out of the water, the better.

"Climb on up!" Leo yelled as she stepped onto my hand.

Tandy pushed onto the rope, grabbing on as though her life depended on it.

The cavern rumbled again, the water dropped briefly, and something long and sinuous flashed below. Was it a fish? A snake?

"Did you see that?" The question was out of my mouth as Tandy broke free of the water.

"I sure did," Meredeath eyed the water suspiciously. It was a frothy greenish-yellow on top, but the water underneath was a dark brown. It wasn't hard to understand that this was an oversized stomach. A giant seed pod floated by, half digested and covered in slime. "Is it me, or do the walls seem... closer to us?"

I squinted at the walls, but it was hard to tell. The light from Meredeath's orb ring wasn't too powerful, but they did look ominously closer.

"Maybe closer. More worried about what's in the water with us. Tandy, how are you doing?"

"Better, now that I'm out of the cesspool, my health has started climbing, but now my stamina is draining."

If I remembered well, she didn't have much of either. We'd just traded sure death for a slow death.

"Do you have a skill that will knot the rope? If you had a perch, it wouldn't be a strain." I threw my idea out, nervously hoping as something rubbed against my calf.

"I can pull you up!" Leo shouted down as Tandy's body surged upward. The rope slid through my unprepared hand, biting into my palm.

The cavern rumbled, sloshing Richard and me.

Pulling her up wasn't a terrible idea, but I noted my health was down to 11. Did we have enough time to pull us both out?

Leo needs to shut the hell up before he kills us.

Realization dawned too late as Leo boasted, "This isn't straining my stamina at all!" Leo's yells triggered the stomach-quakes.

The cavern shook violently, geysers of acidic juice spouting into the air, showering us with filth.

"Leo, shut up!" My words came out jangled as I was tossed left and right.

The acid reflux didn’t stop this time, each choppy wave splashing up as they collided. Tandy was above the splash zone, but Richard and I were getting scrubbed on the washboard.

Worse yet, the rope started to sizzle under a gelatinous splash.

To make matters worse, something long brushed against my leg. I unclipped my hammer, watching the water.

"There's something in here with us," I called to the team, eyes glued to the froth.

Meredeath was on guard, calling on a skill, "[Claws of Death]." Her face twisted in pain as her fingernails slowly elongated into claws.

A dark aura shrouded her body, making her hard to decipher. She felt dangerous.

"Cole, look," Meredeath's call hissed across the lake as she pointed to a roiling spot of water. A mass of thin white ribbons of flesh thrashed.

Suddenly, something wrapped around my ankle with a bone-crushing grip, and it pulled me under.

My scream was cut short as my vision and mouth filled with the miasmic soup.

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 13: Chew Toy

A discolored cuspid hit the ground with a splat, turning our attention away from Meredeath's disappearing form. It sank tooth first into the spongy floor of the dungeon.

The cuspid's roots morphed into legs only to wave frantically in the air. It looked like an overturned beetle unable to flip itself right side up. I watched in odd fascination.

I unclipped my hammer. The dark, charred ash handle’s familiarity in my hand was reassuring.

I ran forward. Bringing my hammer up, I triggered [Nailed It]. The aim and velocity of my blow would double.

I aimed for the weakest part of any object, the joint. The four root leg segments came together in a divot in the tooth’s center. The head of my hammer smacked the joint exactly.

The monster sank with the hit, some of the impact absorbed by the squishy floor before the whole thing shattered.

Tooth and chitin fragments flew as my hammer and arm were coated in monster guts.

“I found their weakness!” I shouted triumphantly as I watched two additional teeth push themselves out of the gumline behind Leo.

Richard shifted. I felt the light tapping of a tentacle.

I’m just patting you on the back. Now, all you have to do is flip each of these and hit them perfectly with [Nailed It] on cooldown for the next fifteen minutes.

"Do we stay or follow Meredeath?" Tandy asked, and I could tell she hoped to follow Meredeath despite my success. She didn't have enough health points to make any battle trivial.

Leo held his double-bladed axe, eyeing the mobile tooth crustations. We exchanged a look that mirrored my thoughts. Even just hitting them straight on, how hard could this be?

I’d stepped back towards my friends as two teeth ran up to their fallen comrade.

“Ready?” Leo asked, with a feral grin. He didn’t wait for me to nod, running towards the root canal. “It’s time to pull a tooth!”

Still covered in the viscera of my last victim, I followed Leo with a little less enthusiasm.

Leo had gone for the tooth on the left, which left the canine on the right for me. The tooth braced as I raised my hammer.

There were no obvious weak joints, so I aimed for a hit.

The hammer came down with the might of a former [Smith] apprentice.

It smacked hard.

Vibration burned through my arms painfully as the hammer rebounded explosively off the tooth’s crown.

It was all I could do to hold on as the hammer head swung backwards over my head, almost braining Richard in the process.

Watch where you swing that thing!

I fell backwards, off-balanced by the unexpected result. As I sank into the slimy floor, I couldn’t take my eyes off the nightmare fuel in front of me.

Cracks raced along the face of the cuspid. Two dark cavities opened, revealing inset red eyes.

My blood froze, my self-preservation instincts blared in alarm to run.

A third crack split horizontally, revealing the serrated maw of a predator.

It grinned.

"The teeth have teeth!" I yelled like an idiot.

Chomp.

The tooth bit deep into the leather of my boot, grazing my foot.

I swung my hammer with one hand across my prone body. The edge of the hammer skittered off the tooth ineffectually.

It bit deeper, this time breaking into the top of my foot.

The searing pain made me gasp.

Instinctively, I yanked my leg. If I lost the boot, so be it.

The root canal held on, legs trundling forward like a dog with a chew toy. Teeth biting even harder to keep its prize.

My health bar dipped as my flesh gave.

I thrashed in its jaws as it played tug of war over my foot.

Richard clung to my shoulder, riding me like I was a wild bull. The useless slug.

Leo fended off his attack, swinging the flat of his axe in a pattern that kept the teeth away. Tandy stood by the esophagus of the dungeon, fiddling with the draw of her bag.

No help was coming, so I decided to save myself.

I kicked out with my right foot. Not in the tough enamel but right in the teeth.

As I made contact, the teeth shifted like loosened baby teeth.

The creature’s eyes widened in pain.

I bent my right leg and put all my strength into another firm stomp. I aimed at the front row of teeth that disappeared into my boot.

This time, the teeth went flying. It was the root canal’s turn to stagger backwards. Its mouth was agape, as the whole row of top teeth was missing.

With a whimper, the monster retreated to the gathering horde. It kept eye contact with me, hatred boiling in its eyes as it disappeared into the dozen root canals.

My foot ached. Blood and saliva mixed as it oozed out of the holes in my boot.

I pulled myself up slowly, watching Leo. If another root canal attacked, I wanted to be on my feet.

Leo swung his axe sideways, smacking the carnivorous tooth with the flat of the head. It flew through the air, bouncing into a row of dormant teeth.

"Any luck?" I asked, shifting weight off my injured foot.

"I think I can kill them if I hit it right through the middle," Leo said, determination written in every line of his face.

More teeth dropped from the ceiling.

The roots transform into legs as soon as they hit the floor.

These weren't molars.

The teeth were coming for us, and I wanted to opt out of this dental emergency.

"Go for it, man." My foot throbbed as the fetid smell of rot grew. Leo could be the hero. Although I was beginning to doubt we were going to survive this fight. Maybe Meredeath had been right after all.

Leo spun his axe before him, looking like an entire wrecking crew. He stepped forward as though he were our elected champion.

I limped towards Tandy, clipping my hammer onto my belt. Every step made me wince.

Her auburn braids glistened in slime as she fought with her pack, trying to pull a length of coiled rope from the bottom. With one eye on Leo, I knelt to assist her.

The unnatural light of the cavern shone off Leo’s axe, the edge glowing in a deadly promise as it whirled through the air.

He looked like the heroic champion, muscles flexing under Tandy's yellow sweater.

“I’ve got this,” I whispered to Tandy, taking over the tangled mess in her bag. Without asking questions, she left me with the bag as her focus turned to the other end of the rope.

Tandy lassoed the end, then tried to wedge the loop around one of the large molars.

Leo stared down the army of root canals, as though he could take them all. Maybe he could.

My hands shuffled through Tandy’s pack, moving the rest of her possessions out of the tangle. With effort I found the other end and pried the whole wad out. With the end in one hand, I worked on untangling the mess.

I couldn’t believe how much rope she’d fit in her pack as loop after loop untangled. I’m sure it was some skill, [Infinite Tangle], or otherwise overpowered.

Saliva dripped from hidden glands as the dungeon's tongue twitched uncomfortably.

The gaping holes left by the root canals oozed blood and mucus. Everything felt hotter, like an infection had taken root in the mouth. The sentient teeth seemed unbothered. They bumped into each other, all eyes on Leo, as they gathered courage to attack.

Finally, I’d reached the end of the knots, throwing the complete coil to Tandy. She gave me a small smile as she sawed a length of the lasso between the molars like a reluctant bit of floss.

My attention returned to Leo as he rode a ripple in the floor forward. His calf muscles danced, balancing perfectly.

One well-worn tooth stepped forward on nimble claws. It sat, an unlikely champion, with rounded enamel and a stout frame.

Leo, muscles bulging like a bronzed god as the whirl of his axe changed. The pattern elongated building higher to give more heft to an attack.

He stood, feet set, towering above the small root canal. The [Enchanted Axe of Singing] whistled as it came down, blade hungry.

The sharpened edge of the axe hit the little monster square. The creature sank into the ground, and to my horror, shifted. The axe head was turning to slide off the top of the monster.

With most of Leo’s momentum, the axe plunged into the dungeon’s fleshy tongue in a spray of blood.

Tandy and I didn't have a chance to react, as the dungeon howled. A gust of wind blew, moist and angry from the dungeon’s throat.

Leo stood tugging valiantly at his axe, trying to free it from the floor.

His foe, barely over knee-height, ran straight at him. With a malicious grin, it aimed for maximum damage. In the last second, the creature lowered its head and triggered a skill.

The asshole accelerated forward hitting Leo right in the family jewels.

Ouch, that had to hurt.

Leo doubled over, clutching himself. The root canal backed away, bumping into the axe still embedded in the floor. The dungeon howled in pain again.

This time, the floor under my feet gave.

With Tandy’s pack clutched in one hand, I watched helplessly as the tongue of the dungeon flexed.

Root canals flew in all directions, as a roll of the tongue pinned me to the roof of the mouth. Smothered, I began to suffocate.

My lungs didn’t have to wait long, as I was rolled along the ridges of the mouth, then casually tossed back. Swallowed without consent.

My fall was messy. As a kid, my favorite pastime had been swinging off a rope into the local swimming hole. My mom made sure we knew how to swim as soon as we mastered walking. In the summers, we'd sneak off with her unofficial blessing to amuse ourselves endlessly in the creek. I fell in love with the swing of that rope. Hanging on to the knot until I hit the maximum arc of the swing. Letting go, and for a few seconds, I flew.

This was nothing like that. It was a slimy cartwheel, as the tunnel forced me down through gravity and muscle. I spread my arms, trying to catch tension on something to slow my descent.

The tunnel walls glowed, as though only a bit of flesh separated me from the creature's soul.

If I closed my eyes, I could feel the pulse of Richard clinging to me.

My fingers flexed, searching for purchase in the sinew, but it was useless.

Everything was slick.

My hand caught a bone pressing against the tunnel. Scrambling for a grip, the esophagus undulated.

My fingers clawed.

I dug into a bit of sinew, twisting my hand to hold on, but my weight pulled me down. My grip broke with a pop.

Nothing held.

I fell head over heels over slug tentacles. Catching glimpses of Tandy above.

Finally, the tunnel began to narrow, my descent slowing. The flesh sagged, slowing me further as I approached a hole only a couple of feet wide. I spread my feet wide, my injured foot throbbing, as my descent slowed. I stood, feet on both sides of a bottomless chasm.

"Well, I'm not dead ye-" my words cut off as Tandy slammed into us.

What precarious hold I had on the ledge evaporated.

Tandy screamed as I tumbled into the abyss.

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 12: Heart

"I hope all dungeons aren't this gross, or I will cut my adventuring career short. One of you needs to become a water mage. Either that, or we’ll need to invest in cleansing potions." Tandy had finally managed to get to her feet, but she was covered in slime. Her hair rose on the right like a giant dog had licked her.

"We need some crystal wash," Meredeath said, her elongated black fingernails poking at one of the molars.

"Whatever the hell that is." Tandy was irritated. "Are we going to start this dungeon, or brush its teeth?"

The system must have taken this as a clue that we were ready to begin the crawl, as it triggered a message:

[Quest Update: Welcome to the [Trial Dungeon]. This is the final test to receive your [Adventurer] status. You have three attempts in the [21 hours] remaining on your clock. Health, Mana, and Stamina stats have now been unlocked. Beginning levels for these are calculated based on attributes during your tutorial period. Your continued choices will influence final classes and skills achieved, assuming you survive. Adventure Onward.]

As the system notification faded, three bars appeared in the corner of my vision. Focusing on them, I realized they were meant to represent my health, stamina, and magic, all of which sat at 25/25 points.

Great, now I knew precisely how unequipped I was to be an [Adventurer]. It was incredibly unfair. The system and the guild expected us to tackle a dungeon without a single combat ability? They might as well line us up outside a slaughterhouse.

"No skills?" Leo was focused on his stats. "How are we supposed to survive the dungeon?"

Meredeath gave him a deadpan stare, "With your brain? Although I can see where that'd be a disadvantage for you."

"At least you have your axe, and Cole's got Richard, for whatever he's worth. No offense, Richard," Tandy said distracted, her face plastered in a frown of concentration. "Some new party features have opened up. I'm just going to activate them."

Whatever she did, it felt like she'd taken the air out of the room. My ears popped, and my head felt like it'd been put inside a drum. My mind unrhythmically pounded, pulled to the left and right.

Leo groaned, bent over double, "What did you do? I feel like I just got food poisoning." His words echoed painfully in my head.

It was like a discordant band was tuning its instruments in my head. I'd focus on one, and as soon as the sound started to isolate, it'd sharply hit off tune, losing me in the moment.

Isolate each one.

Richard's words floated across my consciousness.

I focused on a deep, resonant drum. The strike of the mallet was inconsistent. It hit square, sending a powerful thrum through my body, but then would strike the drum hoop painfully, cancelling the expected resonance. Part of me recognized it was Leo, his strength, his commitment. When it hit, the sound shook my soul. As I accepted the dissonance, as something I recognized in my friend, it faded to the background.

Richard's words came back to me: Isolate each one.

The next instrument was a fiddle. It danced along a hundred notes, reeling freestyle. The notes taunted themselves, with an off-key hint at a sabotage attempt on the melody. Something deeper, claws to be free, as I could hear the bow fraying under the fiddler's hand. In my mind's eye, I could see Tandy reweaving the bow and strings as she snapped them with her pressure. The painfulness of the tune faded.

I'd only heard a cello once, when a troop of performers had been making a tour of the frontier. They'd travelled with several wagons, affording the store of such an instrument. The sound I heard now was reminiscent. I could tell what the instrument desired: a lingering haunting melody. However, each stroke of the bow produced a muffled, muted sound. The strings would squeak.

I couldn't grasp why until I imagined the player: Meredeath. She played, but the strings bit into her fingers. A mixture of blood and tears on the strings dampened each stroke of the bow. As my understanding grew, my mind allowed the sound to fade.

The last two instruments played in my mind.

I listened to a music box from another era, off-key. Slowing with each rotation, it kept plunking out one more note. Each time I drew closer with my mind, the box would reinvigorate, the music louder, the tune more off color, less understandable. It was all other, alien, and immortal. The song of a mysterious slug. The tune faded.

Finally, there was one last beat left. As much as I knew it was mine, who else was left? The method eluded me. A drum? My head winced, bringing a bright drum hit to mind. Sharp, clear, and direct, none of this mimicked my inner melody.

It sounded too hollow, too weak for a drum. Each hit caused a stringed resonance. Was I beating a stringed instrument? The idea caught, and I couldn't let it go. I imagined myself holding an old, frayed guitar, hitting it with the palm of my hand.

I snapped back into my body, head clear. I felt rather than saw threads of connection running between myself and my team. Each thread held information. I could pick one up and understand whether they were healthy or sick, in Leo's case. That magic danced along their nature like Tandy, or power like Meredeath.

I looked at Richard, who had two tentacles giving me side eye. For a fleeting moment, I understood why we were bonded. I glimpsed his feigned immortality. As the minutes passed, the insights I'd gleaned began to fade.

A system notification blinked in the corner of my vision.

[Skill Acquired: You have gained a new [Meditation] skill, [Stillpoint]. When mental overload strikes, you reach inside for the stillness to recognize each beat. Centered, you can organize incoming chaos into sensory bundles and categories to be revisited or ignored. This skill is passive.]

[Skill Acquired: You have gained a new [Party] skill, [Heartbeat]. While not your team's strongest or most intelligent, you have heart. This platitude rarely comes with perks. However, with this skill, you can feel the connection between yourself and integrated team members. Status, knowledge, and insight will flow through these connections if you pay attention. Warning, as the heart of the team, you are more susceptible than your teammates to see what you want to see. This skill is passive.]

[Skill Acquired: You have gained a new [Party] skill, [Partial Rapport]. This allows for sharing basic data between party members, including enemy identification, and alerts for low health, stamina, and mana. This skill can be upgraded if team cohesion statistics warrant such an upgrade. This skill is passive.]

Well, look at that. It'd been a while since I'd gotten a new skill in [Meditation], and I'd never earned two skills at once, much less three. I was not sure what either of them would do for me in a fight, but it was a nice boost of confidence.

I could feel that Tandy had resolved her internal turmoil at the threads of information, so I repeated Leo's initial question, "Tandy, what did you do? This is incredible."

She also turned your brains into spaghetti. You need to read the warning labels before you do these things.

Leo was leaning heavily on Tandy. Tandy looked exhausted, and Leo was actively sweating. He looked to be in pain.

"I turned on [Team Synergy], [Overlap], and [Rapport]. Which may have been a mistake." I could feel the guilt in Tandy's expression, so I didn't press.

Didn't stop Meredeath, "Are you insane? No, not insane. You saw the incentive script. You chose this on purpose.” Meredeath’s voice dropped to a hiss, her accusation bare.

[Heartbeat] skill or not, I hadn’t read the truth of Tandy’s decision.

"We need any advantage we can get. None of us is prepared for this," she waved at the teeth and the beckoning throat. "If we're going to survive, we must take risks."

Meredeath, green eyes flashing, stepped forward, her heeled boots sinking into the flesh of the dungeon.

"If you kill us," she pointedly at Leo, "before we get started, it won't matter."

Tandy and Meredeath matched energies. I could feel them pulsing through our bond. My dad always claimed that guilt couldn't stand in a staring match. Tandy looked away first.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice broken. “I had no idea it’d be that bad.”

"You might be the designated [Team Leader], but you can’t make decisions like that for all of us.” Meredeath’s words sat heavy. Tandy gave a slight nod of acquiescence. Meredeath stared at her briefly, green eyes boring into Tandy, before continuing, “Did it work? We only got [Partial Rapport]. Leo might have a headache for the rest of his life if we can't get his mana higher. Did it work?" The words came out through gritted teeth. I realized she was angry, but also reacting to the attempted skill acquisitions.

"The system did grant a bonus upon completion of the [Trial Dungeon], but nothing that helps us right now."

I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to give anyone hope that the new skills I got would be helpful in any way. None of them were combat-ready.

Meredeath sighed. Her anger had receded, but the tension across her forehead stayed. "Let’s share our base health, mana, and stamina. I want to see what we're working with."

Tandy, Leo, and I shared glances. We all noticed she didn't share her stats. It was a standoff. I looked at Meredeath. She wore her clothes like armor, closing herself off from the rest of us. Wherever she was from, it shouted she wasn't from here. She didn't belong. I could understand that.

I stepped forward, "I'm at 25/25/25 across the board." Tandy frowned, thinking I was taking Meredeath’s side. I responded to her silent accusation, "Look, my gut says, if we're going to survive this, we're going to have to trust each other."

You sure you're thinking with your gut?

"Leo, man, what's your stats?" I spoke more gently, trying to coax it out of the guy.

"I'm at 50 health, 90 stamina, 10 magic. When we'd earned the [Partial Rapport] skill, it warned me that I didn't have the minimum mana to earn it. Then it granted it anyway." His voice was taut. He was paying for the deficit in other ways.

Mana illness, he's taking a debuff to his health.

Tandy and Meredeath were still standing off.

"Guys, we need to work together."

Meredeath sighed, pulling off a ring with a blue inset emerald, "Put this on. It'll boost your mana by 10 and should get you out of the deficit."

Leo took the ring, ready to protest that it wouldn't fit. Magically, as it changed hands, it grew to accommodate his size. He slipped it on an index finger, and the relief was immediate.

Where'd she get a [Minor Ring of Mana]?

Good question, but I wasn't about to interrupt Tandy, "I'm worse than Cole on health and stamina, I've only got 10 of each."

"Good thing you have mana, or you'd be dead." Meredeath's eyes narrowed. "How much mana do you have?"

"Two hundred and fifty," Tandy finished quietly, as though her having more mana than Leo and my total stats combined was something to hide. I started to protest the unfairness, but I stopped myself. This was Tandy. She rushed to make herself smaller, "I don't have any magic though, no spells, nothing I can use it on."

"What about you?" I put all of my spine behind the question. Green eyes flashed at me unhappily.

"Believe it or not, I'm the one in the group who can take a hit. I'm at 100 health, 50 stamina, and now 30 magic. I've got several magic items on me, and before you ask, no, I didn't steal them. They were gifts, mostly from my mother." She unconsciously touched her necklace. "I think she thought I needed talismans to protect me."

“Alright, are we done with math? I’m ready to hit something!” Leo emphasized his point by smacking a tooth with the flat of his blade. The hit resonated, sending vibrations through the air, causing me to wince.

A deeply unsettling sucking sound followed. Leo backed away, wide-eyed, as two teeth pushed themselves out of the dungeon’s gumline.

These teeth weren't molars. I stepped back in horror as several more dropped from the ceiling. The teeth' roots transformed into armored legs that looked like stout, angry crabs.

Richard's system identification message was shared across the team thanks to [Partial Rapport].

[Root Canal - Level ?? - These sentient teeth are a real pain. Immune to most damage types, they are susceptible to crushing and drilling damage. Slow to attack, they are difficult to survive.]

I looked at Meredeath, waiting for her to jump in front of us. Take the heat while we figure out what to do.

She caught my panicked look and grinned, waving as she jumped down the beast's throat.

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 11: Swallowed by the Dungeon

"Tandy, just send her an invite." The more people we had fighting on our side in the dungeon, the better off we’d be.

But Tandy was being stubborn, "Why should we? I haven't seen one shred of evidence that she'd actually help us."

Meredeath's face darkened, something I didn't think possible.

Malyc saved me from making a complete fool of myself. "As the Adventurer's Guild's representative, I formally request that you add Meredeath to your party. I can vouch that she is deadly in a fight, and has the same motivation you do for surviving the dungeon."

“No better motivator than death,” I said, chuckling weakly.

Tandy opened her mouth to speak, but Malyc silenced her with a glare before continuing, "The young Cole is correct. Additionally, her quest has a rider. Her entire party must survive for her to be successful."

Tandy didn't have a counterargument to that prepared.

She frowned at Meredeath, then asked a question none of us expected, "Meredeath, do you want to go with us?"

Meredeath's stony expression lightened as she thought through Tandy's words, "It's been rare that I've been given a choice since I've come to... this land." She looked at Malyc, who couldn’t meet her eyes. Was he forcing her into the dungeon? Meredeath studied us, her eyes searching for something. I got the impression she hadn’t found it when she shrugged, "Might as well give it a try."

Tandy must have sent the invite, because Meredeath broke out laughing, "[Your Mom's Party]? Really? I guess some things are universal."

I checked my [Party] map and it showed a black dot, which was appropriately ominous for Meredeath.

We walked in silence towards the [Trial Dungeon] entrance. It sat on a windswept cliff facing one of the valleys in the Ursine Wall range. Leo and I had snuck up to the valley when we were kids to catch a glimpse of the portal. We'd imagined a shimmering portal to a different life. We'd both been disappointed to find a white arch only ten feet tall standing in the wilderness. No showy magic. No gateway to adventure.

Wind whipped over the cliff, buffeting us harshly. I put a hand on Richard, pinning him in place. It was as though the very mountains were trying to warn us away from the attempt.

The arch sat just as I remembered. A thin structure, sitting no deeper than a foot, the curve tapered sharply as it reached for the sky. Malyc took out a thin white rod covered in runes. It looked to be made of bone.

The Guild Representative faced us stiffly. He cradled the activation rod, looking at us with eyes devoid of emotion, "You will have three chances to prove your worth. Expend those chances and your life will be forfeit. If you succeed in finishing the [Trial Dungeon], the system will make your [Adventurer] class permanent. Your experience and loot will be calculated and paid upon exit. I will warn you, death is not the only way to fail this dungeon.” I shivered. Death wasn’t the only way to fail. What the hell did that mean? “As in the life of a mundane, how you achieve your goals matters. Enter and seek glory."

His tone was somber, and the message rehearsed. I had questions, but his last statement had finality that brokered no query. Tandy and Leo were frowning at the multiple ways to fail clause, while Meredeath enigmatically ignored everyone.

As Malyc stepped towards the gate, the rod in his hand shook violently. The wind suddenly abated, and the sound of the cliff left. An envelope of silence fell over all those in the shadow of the arch.

I squinted, searching for some hint of a shield. Outside of our bubble, the trees swayed and the lake rippled. We’d just been ripped apart from the rest of the world.

Are you paying attention? The rod and gate are relics from another time. My [Identify] skill doesn't recognize either.

I stopped looking for a shield and refocused on the gate. Malyc slotted the rod into a node like a key. A curtain of liquid silver cascaded to the stone floor. The waterfall of light shimmered with reflected colors. This was magic. This was the adventure I'd yearned for as a child.

"Well, losers, I guess it's time to die. Leo, you could save me a lot of trouble by handing my axe over now." Ched spoiled the moment. Arms crossed, he stood several paces away, looking nervously at the gate.

Tandy looked at him. I caught a faint copper glow on her hands as she asked, "Any last tips for us, Ched?"

He sneered, "Like I could say anything helpful enough to save you."

Tandy shrugged, winking at me as she walked confidently into the portal. Leo gave me a tight smile as he walked forward. His knuckles were white on the handle of his axe as he stepped into oblivion.

Meredeath took a step towards Ched. I could see the interest in his eyes from here. She gave her message in a low whisper, but it echoed in the silence of the portal, "You and I both know that they give escort quests to... winners, right? I'm not sure why Leo has your axe, but I bet it's a fun story."

Angry, he stepped towards her only to trip and fall. Meredeath walked away, stepping through the arch without hesitation.

I watched Ched flop around, "Who the hell tied my shoelaces together?"

Turning my back on him, hiding my smile at Tandy’s joke. Where Leo and Tandy went, I would follow. Gathering what little courage I had, I walked towards the gate. It shimmered back my reflection, distorted and wavering.

Hold your breath.

The portal sucked me in. It pulled at my ears, clothes, and pack. Richard clung to my shirt as it whipped us around. The silver glow of the mirrored entrance gave way to a fleshy, red pulse that squeezed us forward. It felt like we were stuck in a straw, with the mouth of a leviathan sucking us forward. With a wet, sickly pop, we were free.

The cavern was fleshy and wet. I bounced as I hit the floor with a slimy splotch. The air was tepid, humid, and smelled of decay. This had to be a nightmare.

Tandy and Leo were sprawled from their entrance, while Meredeath stood easily. Her body balanced on the squishy floor with ease.

"What the hell is this place?" Tandy asked, as the floor rippled under us.

"We're not in Kansas anymore." Meredeath mumbled under her breath before speaking louder, "Isn't this the dungeon you imagined?"

A glob of goo hung from the ceiling. Above my head, it bobbed up and down, hanging by a long, cloudy thread like an elongated raindrop. I rolled out from under it, sitting up and examining the rest of the room. Large white boulders sat in a horseshoe ring around us, with grotesque twins hanging from above.

"This is so gross." A goo drop had fallen on Tandy's head, and it stuck to her fingers as she tried to wipe it out of her hair. "Why does it smell so bad? It smells like Leo's morning breath and Cole's ambiance after drinking a pint of milk."

Meredeath's knees bent easily to accommodate another ripple across the floor. She looked at me with a raised eyebrow, "Lactose intolerant?" I had no idea what she was talking about, so I shrugged.

Richard clung to my shoulders, his usually inquisitive tentacles curled inward.

It hit me. The image my mind had conjured as I'd fallen through the portal. The boulders sat in a familiar pattern. I looked to the cavern’s rear for confirmation. An uvula dangled between two giant tonsils. We were in the mouth of a leviathan, about to get the tongue lashing of our lives.

Slugs cause indigestion.

“Do they?” I whispered.

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 10: Meredeath

"I like the heft of Ched's axe," Leo said as he swung the axe around. It sang in his hands, whistling as it cut the air.

I bet it's got a handling enchantment on it. It's a Rare [Enchanted Axe of Singing].

Richard's identifying skill was more useful than I thought. Tandy had been picking up the destroyed campground. It was a clear sign she was stuck in her head.

"Great job with [Tighten the Weave]. I'm glad it worked." I tested the waters, watching her response.

Tandy kept packing, confirming my theory as she muttered, "Yeah, we got lucky."

I frowned, bending down to help nest the dishes to pack. I reached over and put a hand in front of the towel she'd been trying to fold.

Tandy finally stopped, looking at me, so I continued, "You did it. You used one of your skills in a fight. It's exactly what you wanted, why don't I get the impression you're happy about it?"

Tandy set the towel down and sat back, "I wasn't sure it was going to work. It almost didn't, but a spider weaves its web, right? I spent most of the night staring at the canopy, trying to figure out how my skills would be useful in combat. What will I do when the next one fails?"

It was unsettling to see Tandy so unsure, especially about her skills. She was the ‘sage potential,’ consistently mastering the next skill. The most sure-footed and confident in our group, at least until Leo got liquor in him. We were all in uncharted waters.

"It didn't fail. It won't," neither of us believed my words. Tandy returned to folding at the meaningless platitude, so I touched her shoulder. “Hey,” choosing my next words carefully, "If your skill does fail, we'll figure it out together." That, I meant.

She gave me her half-smile, which meant I'd gotten her superficial agreement. I decided it was good enough. Fake it until you make it.

The charred husk of the widowmaker was sitting not five feet from us. We had to be doing something right. Tandy moved to collect some of the uncharred loose webbing draped across the trees.

Not wanting to push my luck, I turned to our latest problem, "So Ched, you ready to come out of that cocoon?"

"I've told you six times, I want out!" he struggled against the bonds of the weave. Although it'd lost the tightening powers of the spider, he was still trussed like a festival goose.

"Great, what can you tell us about the [Trial Dungeon] to help us survive?" Leo asked, holding Ched's axe across his shoulders, mimicking the [Axeman].

"I told you, I can't share any information. If I could, I would, but there are rules."

"You need to do something for us. Last night was a complete failure of your escort quest." I chimed in, joining the conversation.

Ched sat quietly until Tandy put it together, "Unless his quest had an ‘or’ clause. Either he gets us to the [Trial Dungeon] or we die as punishment for not making it."

"Is that true?" Leo was starting to lose his temper, and with the guilty look on Ched's face, I didn't blame him. Leo lifted the axe and swung it hard. For a brief moment, I thought he was going to hit Ched. Wood chips flew as it sank into the log, not a foot away from our spider-bound captive. He bent down, in Ched's face, "Is it true?"

Ched's face was white as he gave a slow nod, looking away.

As much as I hated Ched at that moment, I took one look at Leo's face and decided I needed to step in. We wouldn’t kill Ched or leave him here wrapped up like a present for some other lurking monster. I pulled out my belt knife and began sawing at the webbing.

"What are you doing?" Leo demanded. I knew he was going to need to be appeased.

"I'm doing what we should have done an hour ago: free the idiot." Ched's body sagged in relief as the fibers loosened.

"Thank-"

"Not so fast, you still owe us. We saved you even though you were prepared to let us die. I think," I pretended to look around, "that shiny axe of yours would be a good repayment for our trouble."

Ched looked at his prized axe. I stopped cutting to let him think. Leo leaned over and pulled the axe head out of the log with a yank. Glancing up, I could see him trying to hide a grin. He hadn't wanted to kill Ched. He just needed justice in the form of a new, very sharp weapon.

"Yes, fine." Ched was smart enough to understand he could buy a new axe. For us, it was a huge win. We just scored a real enchanted weapon. Surviving the [Trial Dungeon] just got a little more possible.

After cutting Ched free, we finished packing up and headed out. Every minute we spent packing felt like an invitation for another monster. We packed fast.

Leo led, knowing the route best. He twirled the new axe in his hand as he walked. Tandy followed, fiddling with the ball of uncharred webbing she'd snagged. Ched was next, unarmed. He kept muttering about his quest. Richard and I brought up the rear of our group. I kept an eye on Ched while Richard watched for anything sneaking up behind us.

As the hours passed, the lowland, mossy forest of giant trees began to give way as our altitude increased. The trees were stunted, and the undergrowth became sparse. The [Trial Dungeon] portal was in the foothills of the Ursine Wall, the mountains separating civilization from the wilds. It got colder as we trekked, and pockets of snow sat in the shadows. Leo had linked us up to the main trail up to the ridge. The morning fog had given way, and the view was incredible. Woodsten looked so small nestled in the forests, the Eastern road snaking in and out of the city.

The narrow trail opened up on a saddle between two mountains. We’d made it to Bear Ridge. Over the millennia, a pocket formed at high altitude, causing an alpine lake to form. The basin also sheltered the area from the harshest blizzards. This is where a small [Adventurers] post sat guarding the [Trial Dungeon] portal.

Woodsten sent supplies for the area administrator, Malyc, who stood arms crossed in the middle of the path.

"You're late." Malyc was an odd fellow. He wore the robes of one of the bureaucrats of the Adventurer's Guild. He'd come to Woodsten seeking a post of isolation, and had begrudgingly become a mountain man to survive. Everyone knew he preferred his books to the challenge of Bear Ridge.

Tandy raised her eyebrow, "According to our quest log, we have twenty-two hours before needing to enter the [Trial Dungeon]."

A woman stepped out from behind Malyc. She was dressed unlike anyone I'd ever seen. Her hair was dark at the roots, fading into an unnatural slate blue that framed dark lines elongating her eyes. She wore all black, contrasting with her pale skin. Her thin pants were dotted with holes, and her white skin peeked through a design I realized was a skull.

"The countdown is to finish the dungeon, not enter it," the woman's words cut. She raised a clawed finger to rub at her forehead as though we'd already caused a headache.

"Oh shit," Tandy said. Distracted, I hadn't even triggered the quest dialogue for the [Trial Dungeon]. Tandy was on it, though. "She's right. We are so screwed."

"Yep, I hope the dungeon spits out my axe when it's done with you." Ched tossed the insult as he walked over to confer with Malyc.

Leo stepped forward, still in his pink sweater, holding out a callused hand, "My name's Leo."

She looked at his hand like he was a small child who had brought her an unwanted worm. Reaching out, she daintily touched the ends of his fingers, "Meredeath."

Leo's face blossomed into an interesting shade of red.

Trying to be suave, I stepped in to save my friend, "Hi, I'm Cole, and that's Tandy. What's your role in all of this?"

I didn't extend a hand, but I may have held my breath as her eyes scanned me.

"Is that a slug on your shoulders?" Meredeath stepped forward in curiosity. She held her finger out towards Richard, and I realized she didn't have claws. They were painted extensions to her nails. She waited, finger stretched as though letting a dog get a sniff. I don't know what Richard did, because she smiled and lightly moved to scratch his chin.

Her scent coiled around me. It was a dark woody musk reminiscent of secrets and dark promises. I hated how much I liked it.

I tried not to stare, but a skull amulet sat right between her breasts, almost pulsing with power.

"Cole, did you hear me?"

I blinked, looking back up into Meredeath's face. I could feel the heat from my cheeks as I stammered, "No, I missed it. What did you ask?"

She smiled, self-satisfied as she asked, "What's his name?" I stared at her stupidly, before she stepped away, adding helpfully, "The slug?"

The spell had broken, and I found my voice, "Richard. His name's Richard."

"If you two are done, we must get into the [Trial Dungeon] now. We have less than a day to complete our quest!" Tandy was almost panicked. I should have been, but this mistake confirmed what I already knew. We were destined to fail the trial.

"Why are you here?" I ignored Tandy, wanting to get one more word. Extend this moment when I wasn't focused on my imminent death.

"I'm here to join your party," Meredeath said over her shoulder as the silver chains on her boots tinkled as she walked away.

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 9: On Immortality

I wasn't a genius at reading slug emotions, but the more Richard smiled at me, the less convinced I was that he'd survive his plan. It was a terrible plan. He'd made it to the spruce, and every couple of inches, he looked back with an attempt at a reassuring smile.

This wasn't what I wanted. To start my career as an [Adventurer] by running away. By killing my animal companion. Even if a slug wasn't ideal, he was still my slug.

"I think I can help. I have a skill that might make the entire webbing collapse on him," Tandy said thoughtfully.

How was that going to help?

"Thanks, Tandy," I muttered as she unbelievably took Richard's side on executing this 'plan.'

I'm immortal. Besides, you can get a less sarcastic companion if I die.

The spider was sitting at the center of the campsite, spinning out its web, utterly ignorant of the approaching deranged slug.

"You're not immortal," my chest tightened, "I don't want a different companion. Just because you're not what I would have chosen doesn't mean you're not welcome."

We both know you'd rather I were something else. This is your chance.

The words stung. I didn't know what to say; the truth hurt. Richard left a long, slimy trail that glowed faintly yellow in the campfire light. A pang of guilt wriggled in my chest. Perhaps I had made the dire wolf joke a few too many times in the day we'd known each other.

Last words? I'm going to unhook this widowmaker in a moment.

I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing, like a coward.

Richard had reached an anchor for the spider's trap. A thick glob of her glue sank into the tree trunk. He looked back, giving me a toothy grin before turning and chomping on the glowing anchor.

The widowmaker paused as the thread vibrated. A drip of red ichor dropped from its fangs, falling into the fire. The goo flared with a loud pop. The glue was flammable.

Richard paused in his gnawing, hoping the spider would ignore him. She watched, head tilted in confusion. Probably wondering what a bright yellow banana slug was doing picking a fight with her. Another glue droplet pooled on her fang before raining down into the fire. A bright flare brightened the campsite with another loud pop.

Inspiration hit me like a hammer, "Do it! Break the anchor! Tandy, use your skill when it breaks!" I shouted, almost instantly regretting my decision as Tandy looked at me, horrified. I could see it in her eyes. She didn't think her skill would work. I'd just doomed us all.

Richard didn't hesitate. He gnawed with renewed vigor, snapping his teeth down on the bundle of threads. Filaments twanged as they broke, and any question the widowmaker had about Richard's intent evaporated. Her long, spindly legs pulled her abdomen off the web nexus, and she raced towards Richard's position.

As she began to move, Richard, the hopefully Immortal Banana Slug, triggered the trapping magic. The web structure launched at him, wrapping him in an immobilizing grip. The widowmaker descended to examine her catch. Richard struggled as the filaments squeezed him. I'd risked everything on this moment, and I suddenly wasn't sure it'd been the right call.

"Here goes nothing." Tandy's voice was strained as she summoned one of her skills with a shout, "[Tighten the Weave]!"

The air vibrated as though fighting the skill. Tandy's face was taut with strain.

Nothing. Sweat glistened on Tandy's face. My plan was backfiring. I frantically looked around, trying to think of something I could do.

"Work, you useless skill!" She shouted at the system. Every line of Tandy's face was edged with determination, "[TIGHTEN THE WEAVE]!"

The air quivered again. This time, she reached for the webbing above our heads. Her finger glowed a molten copper as it made contact with the threads. The world snapped as her magic took hold, streaking across the webbing.

As Richard struggled, the entire web structure snapped shut on him. The webbing collapsed into a tangled ball, and Richard and the widowmaker struggled to free themselves. Ched's cocoon dropped as all the supporting anchors vanished. He hit with a dull, soundless thud.

The spider struggled as bands of filament wrapped over her and Richard's bodies, forming a cocoon of wet, sticky, ever-tightening webbing.

It was my turn to act. I reached for a stick sitting in the fire. Having some immunity to the sticky properties of her webbing, the widowmaker had started to free herself. Several legs were pushing to give her an avenue of attack. She bared her fangs, ready to plunge them into my helpless yellow slug. Richard wriggled ineffectually.

I jumped towards the tangled mess and slapped the fiery embers of my stick into the cocoon.

Whoosh. The sac ignited as though doused in oil. The spider, trapped in its fiery grip, couldn't escape. It writhed and screamed. The spider shimmered, using a skill. It slipped through the fibers, popping out of the cocoon. The widowmaker landed feet first, with teeth bared, she snarled. Rearing up on her hind legs, burning filaments still clinging to her body, the three stripes on her chest glowed with a menacing power. Her beady eyes locked on me with hatred. I braced for her attack.

Just as she launched, Leo flew in with Ched's axe. He buried it squarely through the spider's head. The swing broke through her carapace, causing her ichor-producing organs to be exposed to the fire. If Leo hadn't killed her himself, her body immolating before our eyes as the ichor exploded finished her off.

The three of us watched as her bodyless legs twitched. I swatted at a floating ember of her husk as we got credit for the kill.

[Widowmaker defeated. You have earned experience. Further details and reward will be aggregated and awarded upon [Trial Dungeon] completion.]

"Did we just kill a real monster and live to talk about it?" Leo asked, grinning as he tried to pull Ched's axe out of the corpse.

"I hope so," I knelt by the tangled bundle of webbing. As I examined it, trying to figure out how to get to Richard, the glow from the widowmaker's magic faded. The burnt cocoon began disintegrating as I searched for Richard. Frantically, I dug, where was Richard? Flames still moved through the layers of webbing, racing through the layers. Dread began to eat at my stomach as I had to slow down, or get burned. The air reeked of burnt hair and smouldering silk.

"Richard, you in there?" I didn't try to hide the panic in my voice. Like it or not, I cared about the slug. Finally, I hit something solid. I held my breath. Was he dead? Did I kill him by setting everything ablaze?

Edges of the filament glowed red, eating at the last layers. A faint yellow shone through.

The cocoon slowly eased as four smug tentacles poked out. Another pulse, and Richard slithered out from under the last layers. He looked dry and charred, but whole. I couldn't erase the relieved grin on my face.

How'd you know I wasn't going to immolate with the spider? Maybe I'm just immune to its venom.

"Calculated risk. Weren't you going to sacrifice yourself anyway?" I wiped sweat from my eyes, waiting as his outrage grew. "Besides, everyone knows banana slugs are resistant to fire. You were practically sleeping in the fire pit."

"Did he make it?" Leo and Tandy had joined me.

They’d prioritized Ched’s cocoon. Cutting through it, they’d confirmed he was still alive. He was still trussed up, leaning against a tree, dazed but whole. Richard was everyone’s concern now.

"He did," I said, cradling the singed mollusk.

"Good boy," Leo scratched under Richard's chin. It'd been my plan that saved us. Well, our plan. I crushed my indignation.

Richard basked in the affection of the team. They gave him the win. I didn't really mind.

You could have killed me, you know. Resistance to fire doesn't mean immunity. You're just lucky I have a strong resistance.

Tandy held him now, as he rolled so she could scritch his belly. His mental voice had a fake outrage as he leaned into Tandy’s attention.

"A good cook doesn't burn their dinner."

Richard gave a mental sigh.

You're going to be the death of me.

The acrid smell of burnt webbing hung in the air. I’d made the right move for the first time in years.

With a rakish grin, I called his bluff, "I thought you were immortal?"

The slug sat up in Tandy's hand, using a tentacle to flick a glowing ember off his back.

Immortality is relative.

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 8: Sheep Lovers

Another branch cracked. I swung my head to the left, finally making out a human silhouette. Richard was coiled around the collar of my shirt, his head stretched forward as though he could pierce the darkness.

Got it. My [Identify] skill triggered. Do you know a guy named Ched?

I groaned, waving off Tandy and Leo with a whispered, "It's just Ched."

"Hey, sheep fuckers. Sounds like you finally noticed me." Ched walked closer to our ring of trees and stepped into the firelight. We'd grown up with Ched. He’d been a darling of the town and one of the kids who had successfully trained into the [Adventurer's] guild.

He'd never bullied us outright, like some of the other kids. But he'd always had this arrogance that informed you of your lesser status. Less than. Ched.

Becoming an [Adventurer] hadn't improved things. He frequently walked around town shirtless with his double-sided battle axe draped across his shoulders and his abs on display. He was the face of Team Abs. It didn't help that Tandy had dated him for a very short time. Leo glared at Ched with the hatred of a thousand suns. It didn't take a genius to understand why.

"What do you want, Ched?" By her tone, she was just as over Ched as Leo.

The man grinned, his tight cutoff stretching over his biceps as he swung his axe, embedding it in a log. The fool posed, putting a foot on the log as he ran a hand through his dark hair.

"I was ordered to check on you," he didn't say it, but I heard it anyway. On you losers. "The city gets attacked. An escape tunnel collapses, bringing down half of Aunt Milli's boarding house. And the only three missing are you all. Plus," he pointed at Tandy, "Someone's grandmother is trying to get the militia to dig you out of the rubble."

The three of us exchanged glances before Tandy said, "No one realizes we signed up to be [Adventurers]?"

Ched grinned, "No one but me. See, I got what's known as an escort mission from the system. It seems like it’s worried you’ll skip out on your duties and fail to show up for the [Trial Dungeon]. So I'm just here to help you find your way." He drew out the line, making helping us find our way sound like a threat.

Before Tandy or Leo lost it, I stepped in, "Well, Ched, hopefully, escort quests give good rewards. We were camping out here tonight and headed to the [Trial Dungeon] in the morning." His expression soured, confirming what I suspected. He'd been hoping to force a bunch of runaways into the dungeon.

Sighing, he sat on the log beside his axe, cutting off any chance at further heart-to-hearts. None of us were going to talk in front of this moron. While I rolled out my bedroll, Leo stoked the fire. Tandy was already lying down, the furthest away from Ched as possible.

It took us all a while to fall asleep. I was unsettled. We were on the cusp of the most significant change of our lives. Despite a hazy memory, I'd realized something after talking to Tandy. This was my choice. This wasn't another job to get by, not something I had to do for my dad.

I had decided to join Tandy because I wanted to change. And the nervousness in my stomach wasn't Leo's cooking, but was the reality that what I chose mattered in a way it never had in Woodsten. This wasn't [Farmer] versus [Smith] versus [Chef]. Lives depended on us. Our lives.

Ched's snores broke my thoughts.

This man is the most annoying version of you humans, isn't he?

I grinned at Richard's commentary. The slug was stretched in front of the fire. He loved heat. It was counterintuitive. I figured he'd dry out or cook that close to the fire. As close as he was, I’d burn immediately.

Tandy was also struggling with everything. She'd put her practice cloth away, but had been muttering skills most of the night.

I turned my head, watching her try to trigger another skill, "[Weave True]!" She'd been pointing at the boughs of trees, but as far as I could tell, nothing happened. Not even a whisper of power, and she'd been at it for almost an hour.

"You okay?" I whispered, realizing Leo had started to doze.

"I know I can use my weaving skills to help us. I just haven't figured out how." A crease had formed between her eyebrows, a sure sign she was about to melt down in frustration.

Her voice was too loud, causing Leo to mutter sleepily, "Mhmm... like those strangers in the rumors. That group, uh, Fellowship of the Rim? They... waltz into dungeons and clear 'em like it's nothing. You'll do that, Tandy. Snap into place. You'll be a killing machine..." His voice trailed off into an obvious snore.

Tandy’s frown deepened at Leo’s ramble. Awake, he was oblivious to her moods, a trait I sometimes envied. I tried to return to her original topic before she ended Leo.

"Tandy, the skill will come. In the meantime, I saw in your pack that you have some daggers? They'll do damage. If your weaver skills aren't a good fit for a fight, you can still do damage. Plus, you're the brains of this operation." Which was true. Tandy was the thinker. Leo, our muscle. Which made me... the guy with the sentient slug?

"I want you to be right," but I'm afraid you're not. She didn't say the words, but they were implied. It didn't help me silence my doubts about my abilities. She wouldn’t be convinced until she did it, and I'm not sure that was even enough to convince me.

I turned over, trying to get comfortable. It wasn't worth arguing with her in this mood. I was already struggling myself.

The campsite was rocky, and none of us had brought tents. My body was still bruised, adding to the discomfort. I watched the blinking stars as Richard fell asleep. Snore snot bubbles broke with each breath. The little sluggo was curled up dangerously close to the flames. One wrong twitch and he'd be cooked.

Maybe I'd get a dire wolf after all.

Tandy muttered on, lost in quiet frustration. The Ever Bear constellation twinkled down on me. He was the protector of [Adventurers]. I'd never given him much significance, but having him in the sky felt good tonight. Eventually, sleep came for us all.

I woke groggy, unsure why. It was the middle of the night. As I looked for Richard, I slowly realized that two fangs had been firmly embedded in my ear.

I'm glad you finally decided to wake up. I've only been yelling at you for the last ten minutes.

I started to reply, but he cut me off.

Silence! Do not move. Just open up your eyes and look up.

He thankfully let go of my ear as I gazed up. At first, I didn't know what I was looking at. It seemed someone had connected the dots of the constellations as I slept. A silvery latticework glistened in the starlight. My eyes widened as I saw a cocooned form slowly ascend a fir tree by a long strand of thread. My eyes followed the glistening line up until I saw her.

We'd made one of the most elementary mistakes a prospective [Adventurer] could make. We'd assumed we were safe. I didn't have to have Richard use his [Identify] skill to know that the dog-sized spider was a widowmaker. The species wasn't common, but it was one of the few human predators in the Heltenic forest.

The spider wove traps for sleeping prey that would snap shut if they started to stir. It was known for picking off each person individually until someone woke up, causing the rest of its trap to trigger. The species was deaf but quickly caught any sudden movement or vibration through its sticky web. Scanning the campsite, I realized that Ched was in the cocoon.

I tried to brush away the twinge of guilt. If anyone at this camp knew better, it'd be Ched. Poor, stupid idiot. He probably relied on his [Party Leader] Theo for wards at night. Theo could have taken out the widowmaker with a single spell.

Ched's cocoon dragged against the tree bark as he was pulled higher. He was likely alive, just paralyzed by a bite. I turned my eyes to my team. If we could, we'd save Ched. And if we couldn't, I’d likely be mourning more than him.

"The spider is deaf, we can talk," I said, tracking her progress with my eyes. "Are either of the others awake?" Leo chose that moment to give a loud snore, answering one question.

"Cole, is that you?" Tandy's urgent whisper was good news. "Do you see it? Whatever you do, don't move."

You're lucky Leo's such a heavy sleeper. If any of you sits up, it's game over.

I ignored Richard, answering Tandy, "I see it. What are we going to do?" This was the moment I'd been fretting, with life and death balanced on our decisions.

Heart racing, my mind chose this moment to play a memory for me: [Adventurers] talking about finding whole camps covered in webbing, sacs with dry husks pinned against trees.

The spider pulled Ched's cocoon against a tree trunk. I watched it slowly wound threads from its abdomen, anchoring Ched in place. The spider's legs moved with agility as it wove a net around the cocoon.

Finished, I could see it looking down at us. I froze, watching as it used an existing layer of webbing to pull itself out between the trees. Once solidly perched, the spider began pulling more thread from its abdomen, stretching it across the camp fifteen feet above our heads.

The three red streaks on its belly confirmed it as a widowmaker.

I waited for Tandy to tell me what to do, and realized the truth. She didn't have an answer any more than I did.

I can help.

"How? Are you going to cut it with a sarcastic comeback? Bite it with your two mighty fangs?" My comments may have been mean, but I was stressed out.

I am an Immortal Fanged Banana Slug!

"You talking to Richard?" Tandy hissed, unimpressed.

I watched the spider stretch two threads together. The widowmaker lowered its mouth and added a thick dollop of glue that glowed with a red, malevolent magic. The threads were magically reinforced to pull tighter if a victim began to struggle.

"Yes, it's Richard. And I don't care if you're the King of the Forest Slugs. There's nothing a banana slug can do against a monster like this."

There's nothing a human [Chef] can do either. Minimally, I'll give it indigestion.

He was right, but the idea of sacrificing Richard made my stomach roil. Somehow, despite myself, I'd become attached to the little sluggo.

"Are you two done fighting over who's less useful? We need to figure this out, or we’ll all die." Tandy was irritated. Leo was still blissfully unaware of our predicament.

The three of us sat in silence for a moment. I looked at Richard, his tentacles were scrunched close to his body, in what I'd identified as a thinking face. The dark spots on his back glistened. He wasn't dried out at all from sleeping almost in the campfire.

Slowly, his tentacles uncurled and swung in my direction as though staring me down. He maintained tentacle-eye contact as his body undulated toward the spruce wrapped in webbing.

"Stop moving, Richard, you're going to bring her down on us." Tandy's voice was tight with anxiety.

I move too slowly for it to notice me.

Eyes focused on the widowmaker, breath held, I waited for him to be wrong. The spider kept gluing its webbing together, oblivious to the foot-long slug with a plan.

"He says he's too small."

Too slow.

I smiled, ignoring him, "What's your plan, Richard?"

I'll inch towards the anchor point on this spruce tree I'm headed towards. Once I'm there, I'll spring the trap. Once she's focused on me, the three of you can escape.

"But springing the trap on you will kill you. That spider will eat you alive." I stopped speaking momentarily as the spider scanned the campsite. My heart thumped in my chest.

The slug kept inching forward towards his target. There had to be an alternative.

As the threads trembled above us, I saw the Everbear twinkle as it watched.

I'll be fine.

"Richard, don't be a dick!"

I sent a silent wish to the heavens, hoping my slug didn't kill us all.

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 7: All For One?

“I’m not one to hold sheep hatred against a person, but it does seem a rather large leap to [Adventurer].” I knew my words were tinged with bitterness, with poison. But I was having difficulty letting go of the low probability we would survive the [Trial Dungeon].

The fire popped. Silence sat between us as darkness settled on our little camp. We sat beside each other, but not as close, with our backs to the wilderness. The trees loomed ominously in a way they never did when we were kids. Perhaps I was just less fearless. I couldn’t meet Tandy’s gaze, so I focused real hard on poking the fire with a stick.

Tandy sighed, pulling out her practice weave. She’d had this square of cloth as long as she’d been a [Weaver]. It glowed a dull orange-yellow between her fingers, the edge unraveling as she used a disassembling skill.

"Cole,” her brown eyes raised to meet mine, glowing in the reflected firelight, “I don't want to be a [Weaver]." She said it heavily, like it was a confession. Misery sat in every line of her face. The cloth under her hands glowed again, causing a tear to form.

"Duh," Leo said, breaking the levity of the moment. I elbowed him. But it was an obvious statement. She’d been saying it in different ways for years. We knew the girl who carelessly romped around the countryside with us when we were boys wouldn’t be happily tied to a loom.

What wasn’t obvious, however, was why that led us all to the Adventurer’s Guild. Many options in life don’t risk life and death like [Adventurers]. Even this path didn’t have to involve us. I gestured for her to continue.

"I hit level forty last week." Now, this was a secret. No one revealed their true levels, even to friends. And level forty was unfathomable. At level 40, Tandy was a Master Weaver, a feat people could spend their whole life chasing and not attain. She would have received a personalized mastery title.

Doing this at twenty-five was impossible. If it were true, it meant she had sage potential and was on track to be the greatest [Weaver] of a millennium. Her face showed none of the expected happiness at the achievement. She looked away, slumped on the stump, not a trace of triumph in her body.

Her hands gripped the practice cloth tightly, pulling the weave apart. No skill glowed, as the fabric broke.

“I went to the circle, my mom, my grandma, and the aunties were waiting. It was like they knew. They expected it before I did. My grandmother’s eyes shone like I had done something so special.” Her voice was harsh, angry at a feat I couldn’t imagine. Making my parents proud?

She took a breath, almost a sob. It took everything in me not to reach for her. Tandy continued, quieter, “I lost it. I told them the truth. For the first time, I let loose. I didn’t want this life they’d carefully mapped out.” She picked at the torn fabric, pulling out individual threads. “For the last five years, I have barely breathed without fabric in my hands. The constant practice of following their theoretical guide of progression. They never bothered asking what I wanted from life.”

Leo and I looked at each other. I’d suspected Tandy’s family had a progression guide, but Tandy would never admit it. It had always surprised me that the girl with the most potential in Woodsten would hang with the two guys with the least potential. She’d never helped us, and I was beginning to see why. Making her family proud had cost nothing less than her own dreams for life.

Tandy’s hands glowed again with a skill, and the bundle of threads in her hand changed color to maroon, her favorite color.

“I knew it was a mistake. My mom was angry. My grandmother refused to look at me. It was a mistake, but once I started talking, I couldn’t stop. The levy broke and I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t tell them fast enough; every resentment I’d held for the last decade just bubbled out.”

Tandy’s shoulders slumped with the admission. Her voice slowed as she continued, “I never wanted the family tradition and the life of the loom. I didn’t choose to have sage potential. To be a [Threadmarked Weaver] at twenty-five.” She said the last with a mocking singsong. Her hand glowed, and another bundle of threads turned pink, matching Leo’s new sweater.

The rejection of her calling sat between us. A hot coal that slowly burned at the bonds of our friendship. While Leo and I had grown up to become outcasts for our broken builds, she’d been the town belle and her family’s pride. I’d tried to keep a tight lid on my jealousy. Leo had been less successful over the years, as his fate as a [Broken] solidified.

[Threadmarked Weaver]. The words hung between us. Only a handful of folks in the region had personalized master classes. All but one were in their eighties.

“At least you have a class,” Leo said bluntly, his face downcast. Tandy winced. She knew she’d broken the unspoken rule: never bring up your system attributes in front of Leo.

She picked out another bundle of threads from her cloth and carefully chose her words, “Sorry, Leo. Honestly, you’re why I kept at it so long. I felt so guilty for having the one thing you wanted that I just sucked it up. I put what I wanted in a tiny box and buried it deep. I worked on my skills so hard because…” Her voice trailed off.

“Because you had to try to deserve them,” I finished her sentence. I’m sure I was part of the reason, too, my unhappiness with my lack of progression and disappointing specializations. I put a hand on Leo’s shoulder and squeezed.

The tension left his body, and as he raised his face, it held the fake grin we were all used to, “It’s alright.” We were all way too good at burying our feelings.

The lie sat heavy between us. A small moth fluttered into the campsite, its delicate wings beating gently as it narrowed in on its focus. The fire popped loudly as the moth died in a blaze of glory.

We were all intimately familiar with class-based shame. My father had once lectured me that we all were 'valued' village members. We all produced. Those fancy classes didn’t mean much as long as you had a roof over your head and food on the table for you and your family.

At the time, I'd worked as a low-level [Smith]. I’d come home raging. Four years of labor, of working at the forge to slowly gain the skills I needed to make a go at the profession, had resulted in a Class Specialization of [Nails].

I’d quit the next day, eventually finding my place at the Ram’s Horn. Years under Marta had resulted in a similar outcome. I’d gotten a [Gruel] Class Specialization, and my fellow [Chef’s] dubbed me the ‘Master of Mush’, making me the laughing stock of the kitchen. Marta kindly took me off the breakfast shift.

“Later that day, I met with you to celebrate your birthday.” She leaned into Leo with the unspoken apology. “I didn’t expect it to go the way it did. I just knew I couldn’t return to being a [Weaver]. Signing a guild contract was something I knew my family couldn’t take from me. Couldn’t talk me out of being. I can’t escape the hope that there is more to life.” The threads in her hand glowed as she triggered another spell, changing to the blue and green of my faded cloak.

That was the crux of it. That irritating quality I [Self Flagellate] myself with, hope. Even after my specialization failures and Leo’s inability to attain a class, we both kept trying. Kept hoping that one day, something would change.

Change was here, for better or worse.

"It's going to be okay.” The words were meant for Tandy and Leo, but I also believed them. An adventure with the three of us felt right. We were returning to our roots, to the times I cherished the most in my life. "Leo, you’ve already gained your first class. Sure, it’s probationary, but we’ll make it permanent.” He gave me a nod with a small, genuine smile peeking through. “And Tandy, a blind donkey could see you weren’t suited for the [Weaver] life. You’re one of us, and now you’re with us."

Tandy's hands glowed a brilliant orange gold. The tattered practice cloth she'd been disassembling wove together before our eyes. The three colored threads were braided in and out on the new design.

Did she trigger multiple skills at once?

I mentally shrugged at Richard’s question. I’d long ago accepted that Tandy could do impossible things.

Hot tears sprang from her eyes. "Thank you.” She gave me a look that made my throat close up, “I've never wanted my stupid family's legacy. I hate weaving. I want to be out here.”

“In the forest?” I asked with a grin, trying to make a joke.

She glared at me. The joke had fallen flat: “No, not the forest.” Her voice softened momentarily, “Here. With you. Out in the world.” Her words were so soft as she glanced between us. The fabric in her hand shone perfectly in the firelight. “I thought I’d have to leave without you two.” She mimed throwing the mended cloth into the fire before continuing, “You both surprised me at Leo’s party. You demanded to come along when I told you I was going to the recruiter’s office.” She pulled the fabric back, clutching it close to her chest.

“Of course,” I said, the platitude unsurprising, even expected. The shock was that I meant it. The poisonous knot in my chest began to dissolve.

Of course, I’d follow Tandy.

“Besides, don’t you both hate your jobs? I mean, I hate wool. I hate sitting inside carding wool, the shuttle rhythm," She brought up her tear-streaked face, defiant, "I hate sheep!!"

Hating on sheep was anathema in sheep country. She’s said it before, but I never really believed her until now. Leo and I shared a glance. Tandy, still red-eyed from tears, looked defiant.

Leo, though, Leo knew exactly what to say, "Fuck sheep!"

I laughed, remembering all the moments I railed against my assigned shepherd’s watch on the farm, "Yeah, fuck sheep!!" In the insanity that we were running off to be honest to god [Adventurers], sheep could go to hell, too. I’d never have to take a shepherd’s watch, make a gruel, or hammer a nail again!

Tandy started giggling. We all did. High on the stupidity of what we were about to do. She scrubbed the tears off her face as we laughed. Neither Leo nor I cared if she was the Grand Magus of Weaving. She was our friend.

You hear that?

Richard’s mental voice was low and urgent. I strained my ears. We’d been talking, as though we’d sat at Ram’s Horn over a pint. The Heltenic Forest was too close to the wilds to be completely safe. It’d been a mistake to let down our guard.

Rustling. I squinted into the darkness, but my eyesight was shot.

I stood up, tense. Tandy and Leo were looking at me, confused.

I can feel passive skills, so it’s not a simple forest creature.

I took several steps beyond the campfire, signaling Leo to grab his axe. A branch cracked under the weight of the creature. Whatever it was, it was big.

Had another monster found us?

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 6: Who's Party?

A beefy hand wrapped around the lip of the hatch. Crap, I pulled at the latch and it didn't budge. We were screwed.

"Leo, is that you?" Tandy's shout echoed in my head. I should have recognized his voice, but it still felt like wool had been shoved between my ears.

Leo removed all doubt, however, when he yanked the hatch up. Thankfully, I still had my left arm firmly looped in a rung, or his enthusiasm would have flung me off the ladder. Above, my six-foot-tall, straw-haired giant of a friend grinned down at us.

"Can you believe I found you guys?" He reached down, gave me a hand, and pulled me up like a toddler. Tandy scrambled up, too dignified for the toddler treatment.

"Honestly, I can't. How did you find us?" I asked. I slowly scanned the forest, trying to figure out where we were. The trees blended into anonymity in the evening air, making the spot look like every other part of the Heltenic Forest.

"I'm a [Provisional Adventurer] now, and we're in a party!" Leo stated it as though pointing out the stars in the sky.

I looked at Tandy for an explanation, wondering just how hard I'd hit my head. If we were in a party, why hadn’t I gotten a notification? Even drunk me wouldn’t have agreed to Leo being the [Party Leader]. I'd follow Tandy into the pits of hell, or in the most recent example, an escape tunnel abyss. But Leo? Never. I loved the guy like a brother, but he was missing a few tools from his mental toolbox.

Tandy, thankfully, had answers. "The party functionality didn't trigger for me until I regained my mundane skills. Do you have a water canteen, Leo?" My mouth puckered at the word water.

"I got my mundane skills back, and it didn't trigger for me," I blurted. Tandy took a slow drink, swishing the water in her mouth. My words were thick, as the anticipatory saliva mixed with the dust in my mouth. "I don't see how these things are connected."

Tandy handed me the canteen, and I greedily took a long pull.

"I suspect it's the [Concussed] state. It's impacting you more than I think you suspect. Being in a party allows us to track each other on a mental map. I've followed Leo's progress as he's tracked us away from the city. I mentioned it to you at that first fork." Had she? I couldn't remember Tandy saying anything.

She did, but you were in the middle of your [Monotonous Calm] skill.

I scooped Richard off my shoulders, holding him before me. I stared him right in the tentacle, "Did you know?"

Was I the only one worried about where the tunnel let out? About whether Leo survived the raid? Or if another band of [Raiders] were going to be waiting for us at the exit?

Yes, I'm part of your party too. Richard's tentacles extended with an air of innocence. You didn't ask.

"Uh, Tandy? Why is Cole talking to a slug?" Leo broke in, destroying my moment.

"That's Cole's special friend, Richard."

"He's my animal companion," special friend, who said that? Richard got a dark look as I returned the mollusk to his usual perch on my shoulders. "He's also a complete dick."

Leo looked at me, wide-eyed. Then looked at Tandy, who covered a grin.

"Richard's a dick? That tracks," Leo said with a straight face, before bending over in laughter. Tandy started chuckling, not able to hold it in herself. I tried covering my embarrassment by taking another long drink of water.

I don't get it.

Water shot out of my mouth as I lost it. It was good to laugh. The three of us had pulled each other out of ditches more times than I could count. We'd handled disappointment, change, even first loves together. We stood on the cusp of hell laughing at a dumb joke, and I had no regrets about my company.

Whether it was the laughter or the water, someone thought I'd suffered enough.

[[Concussed] status has ended. All attributed adverse effects have been removed.]

[You have been invited to join [Your Mom's] [Party]. Do you accept the invitation?]

The fog over my mind slowly lifted. I mentally acquiesced to the system’s request. Only one idiot in Woodsten would name our party that.

[Congratulations - You have joined [Your Mom's Party]. [Tandy Selvedge] has been designated [Party Leader] with all additional attributes granted.]

My mind expanded, opening up new tabs on my interface. I could sense that Tandy was hurt, but slowly healing. That Leo was strong. I even had a sense of Richard. Looking inward, I could bring up a map that included a small part of Woodsten and the entirety of the escape tunnel we'd traversed. It showed every place I'd been since becoming a [Probationary Adventurer].

"I still can't believe you didn't tell me about this," I muttered.

Under your [Monotonous Zombie] spell, would you really have listened?

Point made.

My mundane classes and skills were viewable, and I had a vague sense of where my [Adventurer] classes and skills would appear, assuming I passed the [Trial Dungeon]. The sheet gave me a dull impression of having some information filled in. Yet every time I tried to bring it into focus, a notification indicated I had [1 day, 23 hours] to enter a [Trial Dungeon].

"This skill is incredible. It would have saved us so much trouble when we were kids." So many of our plans and pranks had gone sideways, even with the most detailed planning, due to the unforeseen logistical challenges. "So, Leo, tell me about our [Party] name?"

Leo smiled widely, "Like it? I blame the two of you. The system forced me to pick everything since you two were knocked out. I know you're upset about Tandy being our Team Lead, but she's cuter than you." He said the last bit loud, earning an eyeroll from Tandy, who had been hip deep in system notifications.

She was the right choice for [Party Leader]. Already, I could tell she was stitching together our next steps.

"So what's the plan, oh fearless leader?" I picked up my pack, trying to find the bag of granola and berries I'd brought for a snack.

"We need rest," she waved off my protest. "It's late, and we need to sleep. The [Trial Dungeon] looks to be up by the foothills of Bear Ridge, so it's only a day's hike away. Leo, is there a good camping spot nearby? Preferably one with a stream?"

I couldn't argue with her logic. Examining my map, I expanded the view. Off to the west, towards the mountains, was a gold star indicating the position of the local [Trial Dungeon].

Leo was much more familiar with the Heltenic Forest than either Tandy or I. Depending on the season and village needs, he'd been working off and on as a hunter, trapper, and lumberjack. We flipped the tunnel hatch back down and followed him cross-country until he found a deer track that led in the right direction. The conifer forest stretched before us, filled with damp ferns, patches of dogwood, and a rare oak. The moon was full and high in the sky when he pulled us towards a clump of trees I recognized.

It was one of the old forts we camped in as kids. Several trees had woven together to form a barrier of sorts from the rest of the forest. We'd spent hours weaving branches together and placing stones for the fire pit, to make it a fort worthy of our childish adventures. A small brook ran nearby, making it the perfect spot.

Immediately, we set about our chores. I borrowed Leo's axe to break down some wood for the fire. Tandy went to clean up and get a pot of water for dinner. Leo cleaned the site, checked the fire ring, and set the dry kindling. Before I knew it, I sat clean, wrapped in my mom's quilt, watching the fire crackle as dinner cooked.

All was right in the world.

We were close enough to the Ursine wall to hear the evening bells. The deep, mournful toll of the Everbear’s Guardians filled the evening. No one in Woodsten had seen one of the sentinels that guarded the mountains from the wild, corrupted monsters from the east. But on a cold night, we could hear the bells even down in Woodsten.

Some believed the nights the bell tolls signaled the death of one of the guardians.

I gazed into the fire, listening to their tone. I’d always taken comfort in their low tone. Their ancient magic kept the world safe. I stared in the flames, letting my mind drift in the wispy, ethereal lick.

"Are you still meditating? I can't believe you still do that." Leo’s voice was a harsh interruption to my semi-trance. Always ready for a good-natured jab, he kept me grounded.

"I'll stop meditating when I stop leveling it." Maybe I had hit my head harder than I thought. That was a low blow to a man who couldn't level. Leo had never earned a [Mundane] class or skill.

"Sure, like [Self Flagellation] is a specialization worth having." He said it with a smile and a raised eyebrow. I turned beet red at the deserved poke. He might not be able to gain a class, but every time I progressed, I'd end up with the most idiotic specialty.

"It's been a rough enough day, no reason to keep pointing out I'm hanging with two losers." Tandy was carefully braiding her hair, restoring order and tidiness. We'd pulled the remaining splinters out of her face in the moonlight. She looked better, but the scratches would take a while to heal.

"Do either of you remember Leo's birthday? Tandy, I can see how Leo and I got here, but you? Why did you sign up to be an [Adventurer]?" I couldn't understand why we'd signed up to be [Aventurers]. Sure, my life wasn't amazing, but had I hated it that much?

Leo poked at the fire with a stick, causing a fountain of sparks. Tandy pulled another piece of hair into the weave of her braid. It'd been a while since we sat around a campfire. The kids who hunt imaginary goblins and built forts in the trees were long gone. A memory of Tandy catching a frog and chasing Leo around with it surfaced. Man, that guy hated frogs.

Tandy leaned close, "Your cloak has a hole in it."

Leo and I shared a look. Tandy could be stubborn. But we both knew she'd tell the truth if you waited long enough. I stayed silent, the epitome of patience.

Everything you own has holes in it.

She fingered a gash in the weave I'd gotten last year. My cloak had a few holes in it, if I were being honest. She'd given it to me a few years back. "Why didn't you ask me to mend it? It would have been this easy," she muttered [Seamless Fix], and I watched in awe as the cloak glowed a soft golden light as the holes wove themselves whole.

Tandy had slowly been pulled away from Leo and me to do her family’s craft. She had skills and purpose. Leo and I... we were just stumbling through with sweat equity and dumb luck. It's not that we stopped being friends. We just hung out less. Our various jobs and responsibilities didn't allow our off-hours to match.

"I was going to, it's just been a while. And you've got more important things than me." The words were true enough, but they soured my mouth. Tandy just nodded and looked at Leo, shivering in his tunic.

“And you, Leo? Where’s the cloak I gave you last year?”

I winced. Leo looked at her and shrugged. I knew he lost it this past winter logging. It’d been ripped to shreds when a tree fell in the wrong direction, catching him in the aftermath.

"Uh-huh," Tandy stood, walking to her pack leaning against a tree. She muttered, rifling through it. “Here it is,” she held up a woolly sweater, dyed a girlish pink, obviously sized for her. Leo opened his mouth, I’m sure to point this out, when she spoke her second skill of the night, “[Shape the Weave].”

I watched in wonder as the sweater reformed itself to fit our lumberjack friend. He was a head taller than Tandy, with broad shoulders, but it fit perfectly when he pulled it over his head. The sweater was still pink, but the fabric stretched effortlessly over his frame. The color worked with his curly blond hair.

"I bet neither one of you remembers Leo's birthday clearly." Her eyes were glued to Leo, already knowing my answer.

"Sure don't. You know how I get it when I drink that much," Leo said with the dopey grin that made him impossible to hate.

Tandy was unsurprised at his answer, "I wasn't drunk at all. So, Cole, if you want to blame one of us, you should blame me. And if you don't want me to be the [Party Leader], I'll understand why."

Leo and I glanced at each other briefly. It's all it took to know we were of the same mind.

I scooted closer to Tandy, seeing a lone tear trace down her face. I put an arm around her shoulders, ignoring the ache in my back. Leo joined us, leaning into the other side of Tandy.

"You don't think you can get rid of us that easily?" Leo nudged her, getting a small smile.

"Yeah," I squeezed her against me, "Like it or not, you're stuck with these losers. I just want to know why."

Tandy let out the breath she'd been holding, and it was like an emotional dam broke. Tears ran freely for a moment, as we sandwiched her between us, trying to convey our love. We might be doomed, but we were sticking together.

Eventually, her voice soft, she began telling her story.

"I don't know if you two knew this, but I hate sheep."

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 5: Nothing to See Here

You hard-headed son of a goat. When are you going to wake up?

Consciousness was both a blessing and a curse. Two tiny teeth pricked the side of my neck.

I know you're awake, idiot.

The problem was, I wasn't sure I was. Eyes open or closed, the view was the same. Darkness.

I remembered searching for Tandy and found her aggressive cloak. I flexed my hand, making sure it still worked. The shock had made me jerk, slamming my head into a rock.

A system indicator blinked in the darkness. Expanding the alert, it helpfully informed me of two statuses I intimately felt: [Bruised] [Concussed].

"Did we make it? Tandy?" The words were thick in my mouth. Everything was dry and caked in dirt. It felt like a magical carriage had run me over at top speed. Nothing seemed broken, but everything was going to be bruised. Carefully, I raised my hand to see if the roof had collapsed further. Gingerly, I traced the new ceiling, sitting up carefully to avoid repeating my mistake.

My mind felt like it was trying to run through water. As the memory of Tandy pulling the column supports drifted forward, I grew more frantic, "Tandy? You here? Richard, can you see? Do you know what happened to Tandy?" Tandy had to be alive. There was no other option.

Before my slug could respond, a soft groan came from the darkness. I crawled towards it, hands outstretched, searching.

"Cole, is that you?" Her voice was groggy, but didn't sound pained.

My fingers found the hem of her cloak. I jerked away, belatedly realizing it hadn’t stung. Had the enchantment broken? I crawled forward along the fabric, finding her prone form.

I brushed the rubble off her body. She was cold, but seemed whole.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” I mumbled the words, moving a couple of stones. My aches and pains melted away through my gratitude for her survival.

Let me help, but one glow-worm joke and it's lights out. Also, the skill has a long cool down, so don't expect this for every hole you fall in.

What was left of the tunnel was bathed in a soft yellow light.

For a moment, Tandy looked dead. Dried blood from her face and several new cuts had stained her clothes. Her skin was covered in dust and dirt. My heart clenched.

Tandy must have sensed it. She grabbed my hand.

“I am okay.” She held my hand until our eyes met. “I’m here, let me help you." She sat up, the remaining rocks falling to the floor. We patted the dust off of each other slowly, trying not to sully the air too much. It was reassuring just to feel each other.

As the shock of it all receded, I examined the tunnel behind us. It’d collapsed entirely. Maybe I should have felt something for ending the [Raider’s] lives, but I didn’t. They chased us here, some sort of test from the system. Ideally, we could have spared their lives, but nothing about this moment was ideal.

I’d examine what that said about me later.

With Richard's light, we both limped towards the presumed exit. I kept coughing. The quality of air had improved, but the cave-in had kicked up a lot of particles.

As we walked, the tunnel grew larger and deeper, several offshoots joining ours. Arrows had been scratched into the wall, pointing forward. We debated briefly about trying the side tunnels, but ultimately agreed that getting out of town was best. Who knew if there’d been more than one [Raiding Party]?

I found an old torch hanging from one of the nodes in the wall. It lit quickly, allowing Richard to take a break as our sole provider of light.

Footstep after footstep passed. I triggered one of my [Meditation] skills, [Monotonous Calm], and was surprised when it worked. Small mercies.

The skill stopped my mind from spinning out into what-ifs in moments like this. It allowed me to focus on one foot in front of the other. Part of my mind noted how the rough, human-carved tunnel gave way to a more natural cave wall. Dirt and wood support beams became rock and stalagmites.

Markers pointing the way were still present, so I didn't question the change. I was tired, my body ached, and my life narrowed down to taking the next aching step.

"COLE!" Tandy snapped her fingers in front of my nose. I blinked, focusing on her face, "Are you with me?" I nodded, unsure why she'd interrupted our trek. "We're here, we made it." I leaned against the cavern wall, exhausted, looking around for the first time.

When the tunnel had turned into a cave, I’d assumed we’d just walk out into the forest. Everything had melded into the death march to the end of the trail. As I examined our surroundings, there were obvious signs that my foggy brain had missed.

Thankfully, Tandy had been paying attention, as the cavern we were currently in had metal footholds sunk into the wall, leading up to what appeared to be another hatch. The hatch was ten feet off the ground. I stared at it stupidly for a moment. It felt like we’d been trying to escape for hours.

"Are you alright?"

"I don't know." The words came out thick. "I used one of my [Meditation] skills, but it normally doesn't affect me like this."

Tandy was suddenly in my face. It was so quick, I almost jumped out of my skin. She looked nothing like her freckle-covered self. She looked like the victim of a kiln explosion, blood, sweat, and dirt mixed in wiped splotches. Her braids were disheveled.

"You look awful," the words came out before I could stop them.

She looked at me square in the eyes, her expression disapproving. I mimicked her, not knowing what else to do, and stared back. She was lucky none of the wood fragments had hit her eyes. She was fortunate the tunnel hadn’t collapsed on her head.

"And you have a concussion. You know better than to trigger a mind-based skill when you've hit your head. Turn it off."

Commanding the skill to turn off was like mentally wading through molasses. It was slow, and my mind kept getting distracted. When I finally shut it off, the internal click was painfully sharp. A throbbing headache replaced the out-of-body numbness.

Tandy nodded, watching me wince. Her face changed to her typical "I told you so" expression.

"Let's get out of here," I muttered, setting down the torch and grabbing the ladder’s lowest rung. Richard refrained from commenting, thankfully, as what little concentration I had was spent clinging to the side of the wall. At the top, the hatch was bolted into rock.

Every motion caused muscles to ache painfully. And my head kept threatening to churn the world sideways. I looped my left arm firmly around a rung as I tried to figure out how to open the hatch. A rusty bolt had locked into place, the tip disappearing into a bored hole in the stone. I grabbed the knob trying to slide it free. Rusty flakes fell off the mechanism, but it didn’t move.

Let me help.

Richard glided forward, rubbing against the hatch. A gooey slime trail followed in his wake, coating the mechanism thoroughly. I watched in amazement as the goo began to bubble.

“Should I be worried if this drips on me?” I watched, my nose only a few inches away.

Not as long as you stay on my good side. Give it a push.

I grabbed the knob and pulled. It was still frozen, but the effort caused it to shift, which was promising. I wiggled it, watching as rust and goo glooped off. Another shove, and the whole bolt shifted. The hatch was unlocked.

Now was the moment of truth. I wasn't sure what would greet us on the other side, but we couldn't stay in the cave. Our torch was already sputtering. I longed for clean air and a dunk in the creek. At this point, I’d settle for death on the tip of a raider’s sword if it meant fresh air.

I reached down, finding comfort in the fact that my hammer was still looped on my belt. If it came to it, I wouldn’t go down without a fight.

I grabbed the hatch handle and pushed. Nothing happened. I shifted, angling my shoulder, and shoved. The hatch shifted, and a shower of dirt rained down on the two of us.

Spitting grit out of my mouth, I got the first bit of fresh air since we'd entered the tunnel. It smelled of the sweet mossy pine of the Heltentic Forest around Woodsten. Pushing up a few more inches, the hatch groaned, revealing a moonlit patch of forest that could have been around the city.

As I scanned the ground, a pair of boots stood in my limited field of vision.

A deep voice greeted me from the surface, "It's about damn time."

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 4: Never a Dull Moment

As a mundane person not in the town militia, my role was clear during the infrequent monster attacks. Evacuate to one of the preidentified fortified buildings scattered throughout the town. Then bunker down and wait out the attack. The fortified buildings also had weapons handy for distribution. We’d never had an attack in my lifetime such that we needed those weapons, but I’d heard stories.

All [Adventurers], local or passing through, were expected to join the town's defense. Between them and the militia, most attacks were handled relatively quickly. The boarding house where I lived was not a fortified building. It was so old that a stiff wind could blow it over.

“Do you think the attack is because of us?” Tandy’s voice was panicked.

“Doubtful,” I said, with more confidence than I felt. I started shoving supplies in my bag. What did an adventurer need? I grabbed a few pairs of clothes from the pile on my bed and raided my meager snack drawer.

I grabbed my blacksmith hammer, belting it into a leather holster. I hadn’t worn it since I’d left the forge, but it was the only thing resembling a weapon I had. The weight of the hammer pulled at my hip like an old friend.

I eyed the rest of my room. The quilt my mother had sewn, the projects I'd started, my books, it was impossible to decide.

"Cole, we've got to go. You can come back for your stuff later."

As soon as Tandy said it, I knew she was wrong. We weren't coming back. Not to this life.

I grabbed my mom's quilt. It was thin through years of use. Examining my workbench, I plucked the tools I'd built over the years, the tiny screw drivers, tweezers, the sharp knife, my fine filers, and the most expensive item in my kit, a small magnetic strip. Finally, I grabbed the mechanical drill set and my lucky nail. Then I reached up, my brain telling me only to grab one book, but my hand snagged two. I shoved them both in the bag.

I left Dad’s farmer's almanac. He meant well when he gave it to me, but I’d never felt the calling to the fields.

The city bells hadn't stopped clanking. Tandy had one foot in the hallway, watching for movement. My building was hit or miss this time of day. Many residents were having dinner with their families or swapping stories over a mug of ale. They were likely sheltering in place.

I grabbed the cloak Tandy had given me years ago. The dark blue and forest green pattern had twigs and leaf debris stuck in it from our last camping trip with Leo. I put down my pack, whipped my apron over my head, and replaced it with the cloak. I couldn't delay any longer.

"I'm ready," I whispered. The words weren't true, but as Tandy's white face swiveled towards me, I realized we’d run out of time.

“Someone’s in the foyer,” Tandy whispered. We stood silently, ears straining to hear.

You forgot something.

Richard’s silent voice made me jump. Tandy gave me a dark look before trying to peek down the hallway.

I scooped Richard up, placing him on my left shoulder.

Tandy beckoned me to the edge of the door. Peeking around the corner, I saw what had her on edge. Multiple shadows moved in the gathering space of the house. My hand instinctively jerked to my hammer.

I ducked back into the room.

"This can't be because of us. Can it?" I voiced my fear in a low whisper.

Monsters could spawn and were attracted to [Adventurers], but this seemed too coincidental. The city hadn't had an actual monster raid in decades. Our quest warned us of consequences if we avoided the [Trial Dungeon], but it’d only been a day.

"Unlikely," the dry look she gave me brokered no room for doubt. Not only was my anxiety stupid, but we didn't have time for it. "Is there a back exit?"

Pushing me out of the way, careful not to brush her cloak against my skin, Tandy took another peek at our foes.

I like this girl. I may have picked the wrong companion.

I ignored Richard's jabs, answering Tandy's question, "Not exactly."

She glanced back at the unease in my voice. Seconds later, we were coated in a shower of splinters as a throwing axe embedded in the doorframe. The invaders had noticed us.

Tandy only missed getting hit by a hair. Eyes wide in shock, she looked at me as the side of her face began to bleed from embedded splinters of wood. We'd run out of time.

If we stayed in my room, we were dead meat. Our only chance was the ancient escape tunnel in the rear stairwell. I pushed past Tandy, getting stung, and pulled at her to follow. She resisted at first, grabbing the axe embedded in the door frame. With a tug, it came loose. I ran, pulling an off-balance Tandy behind.

The founding of Woodsten had been rough, and all the original buildings had escape tunnels dug for emergencies. I just didn't know if this one was intact.

Hurry, they’ve begun to chase us.

As though I needed more fuel for my sprint. The door to the stairwell swung open easily. I jammed a wooden stay against the base of the door. It wouldn't stop a monster for more than a few seconds, but we needed every moment. To the right, narrow stairs led up to the second story, but to the left was a wooden hatch with a metal padlock.

I pulled at the lock futilely for a second, until I remembered my tools. Dropping my pack, I started rummaging through it. Tandy took a quicker route to our goal by swinging the throwing axe down hard on the lock. It shattered, the old brittle mechanism giving up before our desperation.

Like a badass, Tandy lifted the hatch with a bloody hand and didn't hesitate as she stepped down the dark stairs of the tunnel. I grabbed a clump of the glowing moss they'd put in the stairwell. We needed some illumination.

The wooden stairs groaned under our weight. The sound didn't help my sudden fear of being buried alive. Little puffs of dust billowed up with each step.

I turned to face the stairwell, hatch cracked mere inches. I wanted to get a glimpse of our pursuit. My hands sweated as I held the inner locking mechanism. The stairwell door swung open, and two pairs of black scuffed boots entered.

"Where'd the initiates go?" The man's voice was rough, and his accent hard to place. Who were these people? They certainly weren’t monsters.

I was unsure what Richard could pick up from my mind, but he must have thought it was a question for him.

Not monsters - worse. They're [Raiders], Cole. Hostile flagged.

Of all the tick-infested sheep in the realm.

The [Raiders] would discover the smashed lock in moments, so I quietly lowered the hatch and slid the locking bolts into place. My mind raced at the implication. They weren't simply raiding the village. They were looking for us. Who else would be considered initiates? My night vision shot, I turned back to Tandy, hardly able to see.

Tandy was at the edge of my light, a specter beckoning me on. I shivered. There were reasons Leo and I had never explored the tunnel. Many of the early settlers had lost their lives, holed up in collapsed tunnels. The stories of kidnappings, and worse, haunted these tunnels.

It felt like entering a tomb. The temperature started dropping, and the further we went, the darker it seemed. Roots dangled from the ceiling, brushing our faces like thick cobwebs. I held the clump of moss out like a beacon of hope, trying to banish my fears.

The escape tunnel felt like a sheep that’d gone missing years ago. It was overgrown, forgotten, and felt more than a bit feral.

The air was stale and earthy. Old wooden, rough-hewn supports sat like silent sentinels. Our pursuers had begun banging on the hatch, trying to break in.

Tandy was suddenly in my face, the blood stood in stark contrast to her white skin, "Do you know where this tunnel leads? Has the exit collapsed?"

I shook my head, "I have no idea. I..." The tremor in my voice stopped further words. Tight, confined, dark spaces weren't good. I took a deep breath, missing my meditation skill for the second time today, "The monster had boots."

Richard’s voice echoed in my head. They’re [Raiders]. Another thump echoed in the tunnel. They were going to break through.

Tandy pulled the moss close to our faces, "Boots? Are you sure?" It felt like she looked into my soul for a moment.

I nodded, “Richard thinks they’re [Raiders], tagged as monsters. And I think they’re looking for us.” If a group of sentient [Raiders] was after us, it had to be our [Adventurer] status. The best way to keep Woodsten safe was to leave.

"Well, I guess it doesn't matter if there's an exit." She sounded resigned. Tandy had reached the same conclusion. We were screwed.

She walked back to the last set of supports. The light from my glow moss only gave me a dim impression of her actions. Tandy ran her hands along the supports, as though searching for something.

I scrambled back as I realized what she was doing. We'd been taught that the fifth support had wedges with a long rope built into the frame. Tandy found the wedges, and her fingers clawed at the safety mechanisms. I could hear a ping as the metal safety plugs bounced off the rock floor. She backed away, lightly holding two ends of an old rope.

The tunnel was suddenly lit as our foe broke through the hatch. My heel caught on some debris, causing me to stumble to the ground. Undiscernible, very human voices could be heard. We'd run out of time.

I kept my eyes on Tandy while still backing away on all fours. This wasn't going to end well. Tandy remembered what I hadn’t: that the tunnels had an emergency mechanism to collapse the structure behind the escapees. It was a last-ditch effort because it could collapse the building above, and half the time, the entire tunnel.

Is she going to collapse the tunnel on us? I take it all back. She’s a lunatic! Richard tightly coiled against my neck. Cole, I chose you! You're the reasonable one.

"Tandy, I don't..."

She looked back at me, teeth white with a maniacal grin, "They're coming, Cole. The raiders are coming for us."

Knuckles white, holding the ropes, Tandy pulled. She yanked hard, and with the safety pins missing, the wedges sprang loose. Time seemed to slow as the two support pillars near us ponderously leaned forward. The left column snapped, and everything sped up as the ceiling came down.

A cascade of rubble crushed our pursuit, just as a gust of dust enveloped us. I lay on the dirt floor, inhaling dust, and wondered if this was it. I prayed to the nameless gods that we would survive as the floor bucked. Eventually, the collapse stopped.

I’d lost the moss. The only sound breaking our tomb’s silence was my raspy breath.

A system message flashed in front of my face before I dismissed it.

[Raiding Party defeated. You have earned experience. Further details and rewards will be aggregated and awarded upon [Trial Dungeon] completion.]

“Tandy?” The word came out in a sharp gasp. Every breath took in more grime that cut my lungs like razor blades.

Did I search for my friend, possibly buried under the rubble? Or should I retreat to find breathable air? My mind didn’t see a choice.

Coughing, I reached for Tandy. She had to be alive.

[Base Skill Assessment: Complete

Quest Update: [Trial Dungeon]

Notice - You have not prioritized the [Trial Dungeon] in the first 24 hours. By consequence, the time allotted to complete the quest was reduced. Countdown transparency protocol enabled. You have [48] hours to complete this quest.

Congratulations - For better or worse, you’ve chosen your friends over survival. [Party] capabilities granted for [Trial Dungeon].

Congratulations - You have survived [2] expeditionary forces. Mundane Skills are granted for the [Trial Dungeon] attempt.

Adventure Onward.]

I've barely survived escaping the Raiders without skills. Now the oh-so-generous system returned my mundane cooking skills, just in time to die?

Two days isn’t a lot of time. We’re going to need some luck.

Screw luck, we needed a miracle.

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 3: Ducking and Dodging

The mallard was the size of a goose. Green, shimmering head feathers surrounded two beady, red, glowing eyes. Its bright yellow bill opened, revealing a line of serrated teeth.

Richard mentally shrieked, ducking behind my neck. A lot of good, he's going to be in a fight.

The bogquacker took a deep inhale. Instinctively, I thrust the pan between us, as the air rippled in front of the duck as it unleashed a [Quack Attack]. Au gratin went flying, as the sonic boom ricocheted off the pan, reflecting most of the attack back at the duck. It took all my strength to keep the pan steady as it shook violently.

The attack stopped suddenly with an abrupt cough. I wasn’t sure if the spell rebounding or a stray chunk of potato caused the bogquacker to pause. Either way, it wasn’t going to last long. I had to act.

Lowering my shield, I got a good view of the monster. The demonic duck elongated its neck, letting loose a distressed honk. Something was violently ejected from its throat, flying through the air. The duck’s head shook as its red eyes focused on me.

The bogquacker grinned, showing gruesome serrated teeth. It inhaled, preparing to unleash another [Quack Attack]. I knew what to do.

Stepping forward, I locked my leg as I kicked. The laces of my boot hit the feathered menace squarely in the chest. The air whooshed out of its lungs with an oof. The follow-through of my kick punted the bogquacker into the night.

A shower of downy fluff filled the air as the surprised bogquacker rocketed through the air. Glowing red eyes wide, I watched as the duck smacked into a tree. Some birds weren’t meant to fly.

[Bogquacker defeated. You have earned experience. Further details and rewards will be aggregated and awarded upon [Trial Dungeon] completion.]

The system was a cheap, reward-hoarding weasel. I needed the loot to survive the [Trial Dungeon]. Mother-ducker.

I took a breath, trying to invoke my mundane meditation skills, which I no longer possessed. System be damned.

Richard was shaking, glued to the back of my neck. He’d scrunched up as small as possible. I shivered, an ooze of fear-induced slime dripping down my back.

"Hey buddy, it's alright." This was awkward. Bogquackers were no joke, but most in Woodsten had dealt with one of the feathered grumps in their lifetime. I put down the now perfectly clean pan. Even some of the years-old baked-on crud had been cleaned off. Mentally, I made a note to think about a bogquacker-based cleaning service.

I'm sure it looked ridiculous when Marta poked her head out the back door. I had one arm over my back and another under, trying to reach Richard, who, beyond logic, was glued to the one part of my back I couldn't quite reach. As I twisted to get a better angle, I saw the door quietly shut. It was the middle of the dinner rush. I understood the practicality of letting quivering slugs lie.

"Richard! The duck is gone. You're fine." Nothing got through to the creature, and my twisting and turning only made it worse. So I did the only thing left to me: I went back to work.

Scrap, dip, scrub, rinse, dry, and repeat. Over and over, the monotony soothed my frayed nerves in ways only provided by my meditation skills.

Leo teased me for being jumpy our entire childhood. I had never wanted to follow him into the woods on his many attempts to pick up a [Class]. The wilderness along the frontier was a dangerous place. Bogquackers are the least of the worries. Growing up, my parents had told endless stories of their struggle to secure their farmstead.

Eventually, the warm yellow glow of Richard's cleaning magic reached out and enveloped a particularly gooey plate in my hands.

"Back among the living?" I asked, trying to keep my voice nonchalant. I didn’t want to scare him back into hiding. My slug was sensitive.

Richard didn't answer, so I kept going. I could tell he'd started to unwind his body, adopting a more relaxed position. His magic continued to reach out and assist. The station grew darker as time passed, and the ebb and flow of the evening traffic changed from dinner plates to tiny sticky dessert plates. Ale mugs gave way to tea cups.

I reached for the next dish, only to find the stack empty.

Marta stood, her stern arms crossed, her eyes narrowed in appraisal.

"Are we really done?" I'd lost track of time. Had it already been eight hours?

"Aye lad, we're done for the night. I'll take care of the compost. You did well." She hesitated. Her voice softened, "I heard a rumor. I'm thinking this is your last day here?"

My throat closed up as I nodded. Marta ran a strict kitchen, and most thought her a cold Easterner, but she cared about us. She cared about me. I'd belonged here.

"Well, do yourself proud. You're always welcome back," she gave me a sad little smile. We both knew I wasn't coming back. One way or another, this was it. Before either of us broke, she saved us both. "Only you could get a pan this clean." Marta held up a shiny, new-looking mid-sized cast iron pan. My bogquacker shield.

We laughed, and she handed me my last week's wages as we shook hands.

My back to the Ram’s Horn, slug on my shoulder, I hesitated before walking away. I waited as Marta swung the back door open one last time. For a moment, I heard the familiar clanks and shouts of the kitchen staff. Marta started calling out the end-of-night orders to the closers. Then the door swung shut, cutting Marta off with a finality I felt in my heart.

Someday you'll return.

As unlikely as his words were, I smiled. It was a nice sentiment.

Woodsten was a fairly robust [Outpost] built on wool, lumber, and trade. It sported a minor trade route that led to one of the larger mountain passes. As such, it had a few taverns and shops. I'd recommend one tavern, The Ram’s Horn, over all the others. Its kitchen was well run, and the food was tasty, no matter what the food critics say.

To be classified as an [Outpost], Woodsten sported a half-finished palisade and an Adventurer’s Guild hall. We also had Team Abs, the local band of [Adventurers], and a well-run militia. The town held almost a thousand souls and thus had a decent residential footprint.

I lived in one of the old boarding houses. The building dated back to the origin of the town, and was as drafty as a person might suspect. It was cheap enough that both Leo and I could afford our own rooms. Ours sat across the hall from each other, unlike Tandy, who lived above her family's wool store.

This is why I was so surprised to find Tandy, not Leo, sitting cross-legged, leaning against my door, napping. She rarely visited our humble quarters.

Her well-groomed auburn braids were back, not the chaotic mess she'd had in my last memory. A green wool cloak wrapped protectively around her slouched form.

I reached down to wake her and was stung by a hornet. My yelp of surprise woke her up.

"Took you long enough," she muttered sleepily as I looked for a stinger in my hand. A whole swath of my fingers was reddening with a line of blisters.

"Be careful, do you see the hornet that got me?"

"Sorry, that was me. I haven't attuned the cloak to recognize you as a friend yet," she punctuated her explanation with a yawn.

I backed away, realizing my mistake. Tandy was far and away the smartest of our trio. She'd been the darling of her family, a [Sage] potential genius who wove with skill and magic. She stretched and stood, reaching down to pull up a heavy backpack.

Tandy ran her fingers down the lining of her cloak, finding a stitched-in fabric tab with a sewn-in activation rune. She frowned as she gripped the tab with the tips of her fingers.

"It's not going to work, remember, we're not [Mundane] anymore." The words came out more bitter than I’d intended.

Tandy stepped aside, frowning, as I edged towards the door lock, key in hand. Her magical cloaks could be keyed to specific owners who controlled the cloak’s magic through an activation rune.

Tandy’s skillset allowed her to [Override Ownership], a rare skill in polite company that could reset garment ownership keys even in the absence of the original owner. While she’d undoubtedly made the magic cloak, and was thus immune to its defensive properties, she probably wasn’t keyed as an owner. It looked brand new, and Tandy’s grandmother wouldn’t have willingly let something that expensive out of her shop.

"Well, I dyed this one with nettle and kept the sting, so be careful."

I nodded, carefully keeping distance from her as I unlocked the door with a click. The pain from the sting was already subsiding, but I wasn't going to get near her anytime soon. Nettle-infused garments were used as chastity belts and low-grade [Adventurer] gear. It wouldn't cause lasting physical damage, but the sharp pain would make anyone hesitate.

I ducked my head into my room, taking a quick glance in. It looked like the same pig sty I’d left this morning. I closed the door, turning to face Tandy.

"Uh, why don't we meet up after I have a moment to change?" I still wore my damp, stained apron from work. I avoided her gaze by plucking an errant bogquacker feather from my sleeve.

"Oh please, it can't be that bad," she moved forward, causing me to jump back for fear of the nettle. The door swung wide, revealing all of my sins. My bed was covered in dirty laundry, underwear on full display. The room was small, holding two tables covered in crusty dishes and bits of junk I'd pulled out of the trash. A lone, ratty towel with moth holes hung next to a shelf containing my three books. Everything was lit in soft light from the cheap glow moss I’d carefully kept alive.

Tandy and I had never been in the same socio-economic class. Leo and I often wondered why she’d chosen us as friends. We both tried hard over the years to keep her in the dark on how different our lives were.

I didn't want my friends to take pity on me. Leo knew, but he was only a hair better off than I. He was only paid more because he was willing to take more dangerous jobs.

Face burning, I slid past her, just barely avoiding a sting. Quickly, I threw a blanket over the laundry and collected the dishes, quickly putting them in a bin under my desk. The treasures I'd pulled out of the trash stayed, most of which I hadn't fixed or figured out exactly how they worked, but I would someday. My hands slowed. Or maybe I wouldn’t.

I turned back to Tandy, embarrassment forgotten, "My memory is fuzzy, but is this your fault or Leo's?"

"Does it matter? Whoever's fault it is, this is our reality." She said it in the matter-of-fact way I'd always appreciated. Unlike the other girls in town, I never had to guess where I stood with Tandy.

"It was Leo, wasn't it?"

"Of course. Who else?” Tandy sounded as tired as I felt. “He's always the one getting us in trouble. Do you even own a backpack?" She looked at my hopeless mess with an air of judgment. "We're going to need to get out of here before monsters attack the town." Ever practical, she was already trying to take the next step.

I like this one.

I mentally waved Richard's comment away.

"I do, it's just under the bed. Richard, can you sit on the table?" I extended my arm, making a ramp for the mollusk. "This is Richard, by the way. He's my newly bonded animal companion."

Richard obliged, gliding slowly to take his place. His tentacle waved at Tandy. She raised her eyebrows in a classic expression that meant a slug, really?

I nodded guiltily, as though Richard had been a choice. As though I'd contemplated a dire wolf and chosen the slug life.

"We've already been attacked." I shoved an arm under the bed, reaching for my pack. "A bogquacker came at us while I was working at the dish station. Found it!" I pulled the pack out, holding it up triumphantly.

Tandy leaned against my desk, lightly petting Richard. One look at my pack, and she covered her mouth. I could tell by the creases around her eyes that she was laughing at me.

"What'd I do?"

Richard sent me a mental image of cobwebs in my eyebrows and my old, crusty, stained pack in hand.

Tandy grinned, "I couldn’t replicate your style if I tried.” Her voice softened, “You know, if we die in the trial, that could be the last backpack you’ll ever own.”

Before I could think of a reply, the city bells broke our revelry, chiming in a disharmonious alarm.

Woodsten was under attack.

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 2: Drunken Consequences

You're lucky we're already bonded.

"I'm sorry,” I said, immediately hating how whiny it sounded. I was apologizing to a slug. This was a new low.

A gentleman may have helped Richard out of the compost bin, but my stomach clenched at the thought. I didn’t want to add to my disgrace. Instead, I leaned against the sink, trying to face it all.

Two yellow tentacles breached the top of the bin. They waved in the air, almost sniffing before focusing on me. Inching forward, a tiny fanged mouth appeared.

We had banana slugs in the forests around Woodsten, but I’d never seen one fanged. I’d never heard of an [Adventurer] bonding something so slimy. At almost a foot long, he was the most enormous banana slug I’d encountered, which wasn’t saying a lot.

"I'd help, but I'm not sure I trust my stomach..." My voice trailed off as I watched Richard shimmer with a soft yellow energy, bits of compost and unmentionables slid right off like water off a duck’s back. My yellow companion pulled the rest of his larger-than-average body onto the rim of the barrel.

One of the first skills I picked up as an [Adventurer]. No one likes a dirty... never mind. So you're Cole?

By the tone of his mental voice, I could tell that Richard found me as wanting as I saw him. At least we could commiserate in our disappointment.

"I am Cole, newly minted, unprepared [Provisional Adventurer]." I stood, straightening my shoulders, lifting my chin, trying to strike a heroic pose for the foot-long slug.

The stained apron must go, but I can work with this.

Doubling down, I grabbed my plate scraper, thrusting it into the air like some magical heirloom sword. I tilted my head to show off my five o’clock shadow and ‘chisled’ jawline.

Even better. At least you have a sense of humor. You're going to need it when the monsters show up.

Richard undulated forward, his long body balanced easily on the barrel’s rim. I watched in fascination as he stretched forward, bridging the gap between the barrel ledge and the countertop. He was easily the most enormous slug I'd ever seen. I wasn't sure how useful a self-cleaning slug was to an [Adventurer], but he was unique.

As a kid, I dreamed of returning to Woodsten as a hero in shining armor with a dire wolf by my side. The wooden scraper lowered slowly. Richard was a slug, and I wasn't a hero but a [Provisional Adventurer]. The [Trial Dungeon] stood in our way. So few souls who attempted it passed.

“We’re going to die,” the words slipped out. I had to stop thinking about it. My stomach did a slow flip. Thankfully, there wasn't anything left to lose.

You might, but I’m immortal.

“Sure, and I’m the King of [Adventurers],” I laughed. “My first act is to outlaw [Trial Dungeons].” I got the distinct impression that Richard wasn’t impressed by my mockery. “Lo, my famous immortal banana slug, are you ready to tackle the quest before us?”

His ego seemed mollified, but Richard didn’t reply. Which got me thinking, did I need to finish the dishes?

I looked at the unappealing leaning stack of plates. Congealed gravy mixed with mashed potatoes and limp pot roast. Do I finish them? Is this even my job anymore? The buzz from the compost pile clogged my thoughts. If I only have a week to live, do I want to spend one more day working next to the trash heap? Do Tandy and Leo realize what we've done?

A cool, slimy touch knocked me out of the mental spiral. Richard stretched across the gap between me and the counter. His eyes looked up at me, concerned.

We'll figure it out together. Without warning, his body glided forward, up my arm.

"What the hell?" I shouted as he wrapped himself around my shoulders like a python looking for a meal. Except he didn’t squeeze, he just settled behind my neck like one of Tandy’s cats. I absently wiped at my slimy arm, only to find it surprisingly dry.

You're fine. Soon you won’t even remember I’m here. Besides, where else am I going to sit? I move too slow to keep up with a human.

The back door opened, and Marta stuck her head out. "You're falling behind, Cole." She did a double-take, eyes furrowing. "Is that a... nope, I don't want to know." The door shut with a muttered, "Kids these days."

I went back to dishwashing. Knowing Leo, he would be out of commission for a while yet. He slept late most days, even without a hangover. And Tandy, even if she were a newly minted [Provisional Adventurer], she’d take care of her family obligations first. I had time.

I started scrubbing. No part of me wanted to be on Marta's bad side. Quitting this week would be bad enough.

"I'm just going to finish up work, and then we can figure out the [Adventurer] life," I said aloud, for Richard, but mostly myself. I needed to calm the incessant churn of anxieties running through my head.

Richard, the Dishwasher Assistant. Not the role I was expecting.

Every seventh dish or so, a yellow glow would extend from my shoulders, causing all the dirt and slop to fall away magically from the plate I was about to dip into the dish water. It surprised me every time.

Richard had been right. He was easy to forget. If I focused on him, I'd note the oddly cool wet presence wrapped around my shoulders, but otherwise, he just melted into the general sensation of wearing clothes.

I fell into the rhythm of the job: scrap, dip, scrub, rinse, dry. The wait staff kept the pile of dishes high, and the kitchen emptied my dry rack every hour.

My thoughts drifted to Marta. She had taken me in after I'd quit the forge. Put me to work on the morning shift making breakfast. Instead of harping on my failures, she kept me busy with work.

I’d been close to heading home, tail between my legs. And she saved me from facing my parents and the unending work of the farm. As much as I wouldn’t miss doing dishes, I would miss her.

A dry voice entered my thoughts.

Cole, keep washing dishes, but we've got a problem.

My back itched as I tried not to turn around.

I thought we'd have more time before the monsters started showing up. I was wrong.

Monsters showing up? What the hell was Richard talking about?

You must neutralize the threat before it initiates its sonic attack.

My heart raced as my eyes scanned the dish pile for a potential weapon. The only two options among the butter knives, mugs, forks, and plates were a small paring knife and a mid-sized iron pan.

I pretended to dip the three-inch knife into the dish water, my knuckles white as they clenched the handle. The cast iron pan had burnt au gratin stuck along the rim. I was going to die smelling of potatoes.

Ready or not, I was about to meet my fate as an [Adventurer]. To face my first monster encounter. Richard coiled tighter on my shoulders. I spun, raising my pan like a shield.

Then I saw it.

A duck.

An oversized, menacing duck with murder in its eyes.

Richard shrieked in my mind.

It's a bogquacker! They eat slugs, Cole! Slugs!

Thanks Topeka!

Thank you for joining us at Topeka PRIDE! It was windy and hot, but we had a great time!

We'll see in in Denver in few weeks for LitRPG Con!

Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 1: Quarter Life Crisis

"You're late," Marta's words echoed painfully. I squinted at the head chef of the Ram's Horn, trying to formulate a reply. The drums hammering my skull from Leo’s drunken birthday bash didn’t help.

"At least I showed up?" was all I had.

Marta's stare bore judgmentally into my soul. I was busy trying to limit sensory inputs, focusing on the worn white tiles of the kitchen, instead of the smells of dinner. I put my stomach into a mental death grip to prevent a further escalation of how I'd spent the first half of my day.

Marta was a master of her craft. Guilt bubbled as she continued to frown at me. I owed her. She’d been very patient over the last year with my fumbling attempts to become a real chef.

"You're on dishwasher duty today. I can't afford anyone seeing you cooking and looking like this after last week." Wincing, I bobbed my head in agreement. Dishwasher duty was my least favorite role at the tavern, but the one I received the most.

Last week, I was on onion duty for our signature caramelized onion soup. I rubbed my eye. Cue bloodshot tears, snot, and a knife slip just as Marta walked in with a regional food critic. Suffice it to say no one was pinning his review on the wall.

Welcome to my life.

"Yes, ma'am," I muttered, heading to the rear exit of the tavern. I rubbed the new skin on my left hand. A healing salve had taken care of the injury, even if my pride was still in tatters.

"And Cole," Marta's warm hand slapped against my shoulder, stopping me. "Drink and eat, it'll make you feel better." She put a mug in my hand, it smelled of ginger and honey, and then handed me a small bowl of cinnamon-spiced gruel. And that's why I loved Marta, she cared. She could make you feel like an ant when you screwed up, but she was the first to offer a hand up.

I took a sip of the warm beverage and almost gagged at the contrast between the sourness in my mouth and the soft bite of ginger.

The dish station sat behind the tavern on a covered porch. It was always too hot or cold, but it was easier to heat the water out here, and the compost didn’t stink up the kitchen.

One of the other kitchen assistants had already prepped the station. The sink was full of warm, sudsy water. A fresh dishcloth sat neatly folded, ready for action. Flies buzzed over the compost bin. Whoever'd gotten the station set up hadn't bothered to empty the bin. I didn't blame the poor sod that had to lean in for me. I was also irritated with myself.

Taking a deep breath, I tried activating one of my meditation skills, [Monotonous Calm]. Nothing happened. Damn hangover. I took another long sip of the ginger water. At least I didn’t accidentally trigger [Self Critic].

Before diving in, I drained my cup of tea. The ginger had already begun working on my stomach. The gruel still took an iron will to attempt to eat, even though I knew it’d be for the better. When Marta handed you food, it was generally worth eating. On the fourth spoonful, my headache receded enough. I still wasn’t feeling great, but I could function.

Mica popped out with a stack of dishes. He gave a friendly head bob before ducking back into the tavern. The early dinner crowd was starting to finish their meals. If I didn’t start moving, the teetering dish pile would reach a catastrophic size.

I threw the dishrag into the water, watching it defy expectation and float for a moment before succumbing and slowly sinking to the bottom of the sink. Leo had been the last of our little trio to get the quarter-mark of mediocrity. We'd had such dreams as kids. We were going to travel the world and slay monsters. I reached into the water, grabbing the rag and the first plate. Growing up, none of us imagined being stuck in Woodsten, relegated to scraping half-eaten congealed food off plates. The naivety of youth didn’t include a reality of broken builds, dungeon breaks, and a slowly eroding frontier.

The thought sparked a dim memory.

Leo was grinning like a fool as he swung his axe wildly, taking out imaginary enemies. Tandy's face, flushed with drink, egging him on. Her auburn hair was curly and unbraided, shining in the firelight. I was elated, happy, floating on a sea of ale. I gripped the sink’s rim, the memory throwing me on the cusp of understanding. What had we done?

My gut quivered. I dropped the plate I’d been scrubbing to let it soak. My mind warred with itself, needing to know what we'd done but terrified of the hints my mind provided.

I began walking through the day. We started the celebration early, each securing a rare day off from work. Even Tandy had managed to wrangle it, which was no small feat considering her grandmother.

It should have been joyous, but Leo was in a shitty mood. I was determined to cheer him up. At twenty-five, he still hadn’t gained a class, cementing his status as [Broken], a loser who couldn’t interface with the system.

Even the most optimistic stopped calling it a ‘phase’ at twenty-five. This wasn’t something that he was going to outgrow. We’d known for a while, but there was such finality to this birthday.

This was all of our lives now.

I wasn’t much better. I’d failed at what? Three professions? Working for Marta wasn’t much of a career as a job. I was just never able to acquire any worthwhile skills in any of my attempted trades.

I was one major bill from moving back in with my parents. If Tandy hadn’t gifted the healing salve to me at the winter solstice, it would have put me short on rent.

We’d toasted Tandy, the only theoretical success. Her braided hair had started the night tight and perfect, just like her family’s expectations.

Tandy was never shy to complain, so when it was her turn to toast, she spoke to our collective misery.

“To seventy-five more years of the lives we’ve all settled for,” the acidic words burned us all the more in her firm voice. Leo took the first of many long drafts of his ale.

My mind returned to him grinning like an idiot, dancing around our campfire.

What had we done to cause such a reversal in mood?

It hit me. A flash of grey, dreary walls. The pimple-faced bureaucrat from the Guild who updated the Woodsten quest boards.

The one building everyone avoided because it was full of vultures. The only reason Woodsten had an Adventurer’s Guild presence was our [Frontier Outpost] status. Sheep and trees made the town’s economy, not [Adventurer] loot. The cities that thrived on the Dungeon frontier were along the major passes through the mountains.

Only one local group had bothered joining the [Adventurer] ranks. They took care of any twisted wildlife and the occasional bandit. Not much older than us, that group had been bred to be [Adventurers] with investment, mentors, and education in the fighting arts, magic, and class strategies. Tandy called them Team Abs, and they were as pretentious as they sounded.

For anyone else, the lot of an [Adventurer] sounded romantic, but it was a surefire way to die young.

The fogginess of the hangover burned away as realization dawned. The catch in my throat sank a deep, quivering pit in my stomach as I remembered the rough texture of the paper under my hand as my pen moved. The grin of the recruiter as my signature dried.

Generally, I avoided looking at my stat sheet. It held nothing but disappointment for me. I braced my psyche as I brought it up. To my horror, all my [Mundane] classes had been greyed out, and [Provisional Adventurer] had been granted. A notification alert hung in the corner of my vision. A spot that my insobriety had blurred out this morning. Mentally expanding the alert, my worst fears were realized.

[Quest Granted: [Trial Dungeon]

Congratulations on taking the first step to fight the Incursion. You have now been given the temporary class of [Provisional Adventurer] with all the inherent growth opportunities. Please note this is an interim designation as your worth is measured.

[Mundane] classes and skills have been temporarily disabled as [Adventurer] baselines are calculating. Please move to the nearest [Trial Dungeon] or face consequences.

You have been granted [3] attempts to pass the [Trial Dungeon], and your life will be forfeited upon failure. More details will be provided upon entering. Beginning levels are calculated based on your base attributes during your twenty-five-year tutorial.

Adventure onward.]

"Upon failure, your life will be forfeited?" I read the sentence out loud, the horror sinking in. It was widely believed that the [Trial Dungeon] experience was the system’s way of balancing out the rewards of the [Adventurer] class. For the unprepared, they were a death sentence dressed as a quest.

I was going to die.

I had no skills to survive a dungeon. I was a failed farmer turned failed blacksmith turned mediocre line chef. Had Leo talked me into this? My head throbbed as I tried to remember.

An image floated to the surface: Three pens moving on three separate sets of paperwork. Relief hit first, at least I wasn’t alone. Then the guilt landed. We hadn’t signed up for a party. We’d signed our death warrants.

All three of us were going to die.

I stumbled over to the compost bin, my stomach in revolt.

Looking down into the mess of vegetables, a much larger than average banana slug looked up at me, tentacles waving in welcome. Two tiny fangs clung to a small piece of lettuce.

A system notification alert pinged.

[Congratulations - You have unlocked [Richard, the Fanged Banana Slug], a [Rare] companion, a level [redacted] entity. His slime is eternal, his fangs decorative. Adventure onward!]

[1/1 Animal Companion Slots used.]

A dry voice sounded in my head.

Good day, ahem, Cole. My name is-

I bent over the bin and introduced myself. Letting Richard know in explicit detail just what a hot mess I was.

As first impressions go, I nailed it.

Event: Topeka PRIDE

Join us at Topeka PRIDE this Saturday June 21, 2025 at the Evergy Plaza located at 630 S Kansas Ave in Topeka from 6pm-10pm!

Lawrence PRIDE

Despite the rain, Lawrence PRIDE was a success! Thanks to everyone who came out to see us!

Meet Reck!

It's time for LAWRENCE PRIDE 2025!!

Lawrence PRIDE is on Saturday, June 7, 2025, with a parade in Downtown Lawrence at 11:00 a.m. and a block party in South Park after the parade.

What to Expect:

* Parade along Mass Street

* Drag Performers

* Vendors featuring everything from crafts to delicious treats and PRIDE merch

*Meet author MJ Douglas/Reck Well!

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Monsters? Yep. Magic? Of course. A sensitive banana slug sidekick named Richard? Don’t ask. Just read.
For fans of found family, underdog arcs, and hilarious system glitches, this is your next obsession. Stay tuned- the dungeon gates open this summer! www.losersguidetoprogression.com

Events Coming Up - June through Sept 2025

Sat June 7 Lawrence Pride 11AM South Park in Lawrence KS

Sat June 27 Topeka Pride 6pm Evergy Plaza Topeka KS  

July 18-20 Litrpgcon Denver

Sept 20 Kansas Book Festival 9am-4pm Washburn University Topeka KS

Sept 27 Paracon 9am-7:30pm CANEY REC CENTER 403 E 1 ST AVE & HWY 75 CANEY, KS