fiona sangster

pt 2 - craft shitpost. craftpost

in this video i will:

• give you a haul of two charity shops and also boots and also some other random stuff

• update you on my crochet

• talk about my style and gender presentation lol

• find an excuse to talk about shane

• refer to popart as artpop because im so gagapilled

srry you're gonna have to crank your volume for this one lol

pt 1 - updates

in this video i will:

• tell you my feelings about the sebastian video's release / premiere

• talk about my next video's subject and scope

• talk about the behind the scenes video

• fuss over my hair too much

• get distracted

i filmed this on wednesday but my airdrop is so spotty only just now uploading lmao

the deepest dive into sebastian from stardew valley

HERE IT ISSSS

sorry i said it would be up yesterday but the upload got messed up

only thing left to add is the subtitles which i am finishing today so will be up by end of day (EDIT subtitles are up <3 )

small note : would appreciate it if you guys didn’t share the link uwu, it’s an unlisted video on youtube bc i TRUST you and it makes for better viewing but also means it’s super easy to share and watch without ads. so pls don’t ❤️ not that you would. but don’t hahah

LOVE YOU!! is anyone coming to the premiere just to vibe? i fucked myself by not checking about daylight savings so it’s actually 8pm my time not 7pm and now it goes past my bedtime rip lol

final ? sebastian update? question marK?

whats up pogchamps

ok so the finalfinal.mp4 of the video is up on youtube and the premiere is set up wooooo!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrPxmkxBoA0

i'll upload it to patreon tonight, subtitles should be ready either saturday or sunday :-) 

shitting all in my pants about it but also peeing with excitement so its a mess down there

pic of lasagna is unrelated. just bc i love ya

AFTER CREDITS SCENE / CINEMATIC SHITPOST

(no spoilers for sebastian video)

just made this to put after the patreon credits in the sebastian video. cackling but also why does it lowkey hit 😭

sebastian video 98% done draft (From The Vault)

edit 27/10 - ive uploaded the 100% finished version now so watch that instead :p or you can watch this one if you want a slightly worse experience like, you do you girl

-

in a silly goofy mood / cannot physically wait one more second to have someone other than myself watch it

if you want to wait for the 100% polished vid i will upload that here too! in the next few days for sure, maybe even tomorrow depending on how much i get done today

okay here are the things that are not finished in this video:

• around the halfway point i need to do a voiceover for some patreon comments

• some instances where the audio editing means my laugh gets cut off weirdly, that i've since fixed but not in this version

• need to add trigger/content warnings (for your sake: content warnings for discussions of depression, andddd i think thats it tbh, theres also a brief discussion of suicidal ideation but i was gonna put a separate warning for that because it only lasts like 10 seconds)

• i repeat myself about abigail so i was gonna try and fix that

• the patreon credits are busted hahah i havent figured it out yet so its super rough

• edit: oh and no subtitles yet!!

i think thats it! like i said its 98% done. let me know if you have any feedback eg the music is too loud at x point, that would be helpful!! like im fully open to criticism bc i can still edit things at this point

but yeah i will post the 100% done video in the next few days so no rush. just physically dying bc ive been working on this for so fucking long and the idea of being able to show anyone made me so excited. ok love you

poll!!

hey beauties, so the sebastian video is basically done!! i have to do some audio edits today and also figure out how to do patreon credits at the end of the video but it's only teeny tiny stuff like that left eeeeeeeeee

im wondering, if i upload it here, would you guys rather have the final FINAL final version aka the one i would be happy putting on youtube, or would you be ok with it being like, a super late draft where there are a few minor things i want to edit. basically i uploaded a draft last night to youtube to run it through the copyright system and that draft is like, 98% done, the main thing is there are a few tiny moments where the audio is a bit weird and im gonna fix that today but i could totally just share the link here and you could watch it like right now. idk. i guess it's like, do you want the full ~experience~ of the 100% polished video or would you rather just get it early?? this is the first time since having the patreon that im putting a video out so it would be good to know your thoughts!!! feel free to comment and give me any insight you have

p.s. random but has anyone watched a youtube premier before? like when people set their video to upload at a certain time and then there's a chat as it like 'premiers'. i thought it might be a fun idea to see people reacting in real time but ive never seen or done one before, if like 3 people watched it i'd kill myself

sebastian update / shitpost

in this video i will:

• update you on the sebastian video and its length

• update you on when it will be available

• talk to you about my wardrobe

• show you three (3) crochet projects

• pause a lot

sebastian video sneak peek

spent the majority of my work day today making this, lmao. first 1 min 21 seconds of the video. it's not final but look i learned how to do so many effects!!

do u love sebastian? tell me why!! pls

edit 9th oct: HI thank you SO much for all the comments! im incorporating them into the video now so any new ones wont be included past this point but feel free to add your opinion anyway as theyve all been so interesting to read!!

-

hiiiii! so im thinking at the end of the video i wanna talk about all the different reasons people love sebastian so much - cos my theory is that there are a bunch of different reasons, depending on the person. eg someone might bond with him over being a stepchild, or wanting to get out of his town, or having anxiety etc.

if you are one of these people and you are comfortable with me sharing your comment in the video (i can do it anonymously if you want, just lmk!), i would love to hear it! i think having people's actual comments will be more effective than me talking vaguely about the subject.

but don't feel like you have to - if no one comments i can ask on discord, just thought i'd give you guys first dibs 😋 ok ily xx

face reveal

wheeee i filmed part 1 of the vid today! i mean - the vid. not part 1. what? who said that?

i filmed myself doing my make up so i will edit and upload that at some point so you can hear me having a mental breakdown trying to put eyelashes on

and - anyway even if there were two parts to the video which there aren’t they wouldn’t be uploaded separately they would be part of one excessively long video. but there aren’t so ?? get off my back ?? god

the deepest dive into linus from stardew valley

king of my heart body and soul oohwoah

this was the MOST stressful video. if u didnt know i had major audio issues. as soon as i uploaded the video i started getting comments like "rip part 1's audio" "is the audio rly bad for anyone else??" and i was on holiday, i had published it and been like "im gonna relax now and play table tennis!" but no lol suddenly i was crying trying to figure out the issue :(

there were multiple warning signs that the audio was messed up that i should have heeded - my airpods didnt work with the video so i had to use different headphones, and when i uploaded it to capcut it refused to do captions for the first half of the video. i saw these as separate issues but in hindsight there was somethin wrong!

i still dont know how it happened but somehow the R audio channel (like how there's L and R) got reversed so it was essentially cancelling out the L one when listened to as mono audio. i went to bed thinking i couldnt fix it, being so mad at myself, then i woke up to messages from my husband (diff time zone cos i was on holiday) saying he figured out the issue. he went on the video and read a bunch of comments and ripped the audio from the video and opened it in audacity and played around with it until he fixed it 😭 thats love motherfucker thats love

so i was able to fix it and reupload! i ended up publishing the reupload from the beach haha and then i could relaxxxxxx. in an ideal world i would've waited a few days to reupload because i've heard that youtube doesnt like it when you reupload like immediately. but i had to get the rocket money sponsorship up by the end of august. and i do think that that affected how the video performed - it's doing ok, like its not tanking but i had higher hopes. if you've noticed the thumbnail for the video change like 8 times thats why 😭

anyway this is the one where i introduced the patreon so you've probs seen it!!! it was fun to do a different location to film, i worry the vids are a bit claustrophobic since im just sitting against a wall the whole time, and it was fun to be able to move around. im gonna do that in future vids definitely, like the sebastian one im thinking of going to the woods near where i live today and getting some moody b roll haha

i was rly worried i would say something wrong when having the discussion about homelessness, i try so hard to get the right information and have the most based nuanced takes lol but i still worry that i missed something or i would offend someone. but i have had 0 negative or critical comments about that so yay

okay we are now up to date with the videos!! omg!! theyre all hereeeee. is it easy to watch stuff on patreon? i was thinking i could do them unlisted on youtube too so it's easier for people to rewatch them, lmk if anyone wants that.

as i make more vids i will put them sponsor free on here for ya. i will TRY and also get them to you guys a little early but bc of my level of organisation i cant promise anything haha

little update

the deepest dive into sam from stardew valley

the captions are being annoying i will upload them asap but capcut is the worst program in the world and i hate it

i love sam so much ive been obsessed with him since this video, the amount of sam fanfictions i read was unhinged. dude there are some good sam/shane ones out there >:) if you're not in the discord i post recommendations there sometimes

i had issues when uploading this one i remember, it kept telling me it couldn't be monetised - i had to edit the Everything Everywhere All At Once clips SO much it was insane! even when i had them blurred and behind some text the copyright system picked that up. and even when that wasn't the issue i kept being told that it couldn't be monetised, honestly i was worried it was because i say "free palestine" in this one lol. i uploaded the vid unlisted and it said there were issues so i was chatting to a youtube support agent and they were like its an unlisted video. and i was like yes i know. but why does it have issues. and they were like it doesnt have issues. and i was like yes it does and they were like no it doesnt and i checked again and the issues had gone away lmao so i was like ok thanks for whatever you did!!

anyway i love how this vid turned out i dont think i would change anything. this is the one i put on for my own comfort watching purposes LOL is that weird? like people tell me a lot they put the vids on to sleep or for comfort background watching and sometimes i do the same.... with my own vids... cos like if im trying to fall asleep i genuinely cannot process any new information or it will keep me awake, like if i read a new fanfic before bed it wakes me up, so thats why i tend to just read my own fanfic or watch my own videos 😭 ive only done it like 3 times to be fair

its nice when people tell me that, cos thats what im going for i guess - i have my own comfort videos e.g. the jenny nicholson video about dear evan hansen just.... soothes me. and the sarah z videos about like the johnlock conspiracy and destiel. i love girlies sitting and infodumping!! so yeah it makes me happy when people say that kinda thing, i love the idea that im just hanging out with people all over the world. i made something good enough that people wanna watch it multiple times. insane. i still dont fully believe that i have a nice voice haha i think im just british tbh, im pretty soft spoken most of the time but we all are lol

fun fact that i hope no one will be weird about (nah you're cool) i took my bra off when i ate the cheesy chips and couldnt bring myself to put it back on like just couldnt, so i have the hoodie on for the whole rest of the vid lol

the deepest dive into penny from stardew valley

holy views batman

this video is still doing numbers, i just checked and in the last 48 hours it's got double the views of the most recent video. why?? i mean i added a clickbait ass thumbnail but ive done that before lmao. i guess people are interested in penny? and the issues people have with her? i dont know lol. honestly it could be the fact that my cat is in it so much, idk why he wouldnt leave me alone that day, my bingus

but whatever the reason it's legit insane to look at my youtube page and see a video with (at time of writing) 164k views. that's. that's big. that's. omg. when it hit 100k i almost cried. idk like i watch a lot of youtube a LOT and i will watch videos with less views quite often just bc i know that that's not like a stamp of quality. but i have a little snake in my brain that decides what im gonna watch and if something has like 100k views he will be like 'mmmm must be good!!' like it's such a significant number. i remember when the abigail or alex video hit 1k and i was like oh nice cos i would be way more willing to watch a video with 1k than like 989 views. why? idk snake brain. im putting this into words badly. but i guess looking at the video with that number makes me feel........ like a real youtuber 😭 life is weird man

anyway with a video like this that kind of 'breaks containment' and is shown to more people comes more comments! more random people who have never seen me before. like ive said in a previous post i dont usually let stuff like that get me down bc i disagree with the comments. but this one has had some comments that have stuck with me - but like, in a constructive way i think. i had a few comments that the intro was too long. i guess in my head i figure hey you're gonna be here for 2.5 hours let me take 6 minutes to get going. but i think i would get bored too lol. too many disclaimers too much random info. so moving forward ive tried to take that on board. like in the sam video i think i wrote 'you can skip forward to stop me yapping' or something LOL. gotta give people options

it was really cool to have my sister in this video!! she's the coolest she's that classic older sister thing of like that's just me but cooler. you think IM cool omg. to be fair she doesnt play stardew which is pretty lame. but yeah i sent her all the comments of people saying they appreciated her perspective (and also all the ones of people saying how beautiful she is which true), she said if i want her to be in a vid in the future i just have to ask!! she also said she'd wanna do some kind of like, teach my sister how to play stardew lmao which is def more of a second channel / patreon vibe lol, we do have a very fun dynamic, same sense of humour. we made a joke about starting a podcast but we literally genuinely irl have the same voice, even her husband sometimes can't tell us apart

are those all of my penny thoughts? ... i think so! im pretty happy with how this one turned out. one person said i 'beat a dead horse' about the 2h scene but that was just one person lol, i def talked about it a LOT but im glad i was thorough instead of something like the harvey 2h where i felt i didnt put enough time into it :)

ok time to think about sebastian again

the deepest dive into maru from stardew valley

for the last week or so i've been starting my days writing these and it's been so fun honestly, gonna miss it when i upload the last one!!

maru ok. ok. WOW did people disagree with me about demetrius. loads and loads of people agree and say i changed their mind <3 but lots disagree and thats fine!! but more people disagreed in an uncool way lol. someone recently said i was 'projecting my autism'. which, yeah probably but YOU'RE not allowed to say that hahaha. i feel like i did a pretty good job of admitting my biases but what im learning is that no matter how many disclaimers you put, people are always gonna comment something that you literally said in the video. but that kind of comment just makes me go 'i literally said that in the video' and then move on. sometimes i'll be in kind of a pissy mood for a few hours but thats the worst of it and honestly for me?? for me the most sensitive woman in the world?? with rejection sensitive dysphoria?? thats amazing

if i could go back i would not have gone QUITE as hard though. within an hour of posting it i had already responded to someone's fair comment that i was going super hard on robin, saying that yeah thats true my bad. i think it was cos there is such a huge amount of demetrius hate i just came out swinging in the opposite direction. and i was so sure i was right. unsubscribe from my channel do it!! lmao

but yeah demetrius should have learned about robin by now. it's hard cos in my relationship my partner and i are both autistic (undiagnosed but like cmon) but i have adhd too so its a constant struggle to communicate effectively. i am BAD at it. i am both robin and demetrius!! so i guess it was nice to criticise someone's communication for once lol. to be fair she's so snippy with him, all the comparisons to normal people? ew robin. but yeah he's not faultless. i do feel like i didnt call him faultless but ya gotta be clear about these things.

this was the origin of the sebastian being so numb joke i think!!!! hahah thats a classic fiona sangster staple at this point. its weird to use my name as a brand like that. youtube tells me how people find my videos and the top search is just people searching my full name which is insane lol. if i could go back i would probably choose something that wasnt just my full name. for privacy. but oh well. i couldnt think of another name for it and i wanted to publish the videos lol

the deepest dive into leah from stardew valley

oooooh leah video!!! controversial bisexual opinions!!!!!

i mean. i said in the video 'you can disagree with me just be cool about it' and to be fair every person who disagreed with me has been cool about it. very respectful discourse all around!!

so idk, with this one with the whole bisexual tangent i do just kinda feel like maybe i did too much. cos it was a lot of projecting. and i do admit that but like. if u know its projecting why do it? ugh i say that but i also had loads of people commenting saying thank u, that means a lot to me, i relate to u a lot about that. its hard cos putting so much personal stuff into a vid, people get a lot out of it and it feels good to connect in that way but then when people disagree it makes me wanna just like take the video down even if they disagree in a nice way. i hate how subjective life is!!!! give me a universal truth!!!

oh well can't take it down now. most people i know still don't know i'm bi cos they're not watching all my videos hahaha

i just rewatched the last ten mins ah. i remember this period of time. me and sam (my hubbo) (ew hated that) had a conversation before the wedding where we were like. ok. let me try and make the youtube thing my main thing. cos i was still applying for jobs up until that point. so after the wedding i really did put my whole fionussy into it and now it's my main thing. i remember talking to him about it, we went on this long walk, and i was like, if i could wake up every day and just have youtube to do as my job i would be so happy, i would be living my best life, i cant even imagine that being real. and. i AM living my best life. like it comes with a lot of new stress eg the audio being wrong in the linus video made me cry like 5 times. but overall omg. so grateful. i need to remember to be as grateful as i was back then cos its easy to hedonic treadmill myself into taking things for granted but omg so grateful. and grateful to YOU! PATRON! OMG! you must be such a cool person tbh. maybe thats parasocial but like u must be cool as hell. thank u sm for the support <3 <3

ps it was love island the game LOL

look i can’t explain why.

but it’s a business expense i swear

-me to my accountant if i get one which i should

the deepest dive into krobus from stardew valley

just a little guy??? or a war criminal??? wow clickbait much fiona

this literally was just meant to be a quick video and to be fair it's one of my shortest but it's longer than emily lmao. i just feel this need to be thorough like it's the deepest dive how would it be the deepest dive if i didn't tell you the entire lore of the shadow people??

i literally went to go do my final wedding dress fitting half way through this video, i think i mention in the video but thats why im so glammed up but i had loads of people be like 'wow you look SO good in this one' thanks im never wearing fake eyelashes again! lol fun story kinda so this is the only practise i did with the fake eyelashes before the wedding and it was tricky but not that tricky and i was like ok cool well i'll surely do a little bit better next time and thats the wedding so fine. no i fucked it so bad. i was sitting there going through it so hard. the lady who did my hair also does make up so she offered to put them on for me thats how bad i was struggling 💀 sooo nice of her cos she did a great job. i should have practised more, why do i get weirdly overconfident about random stuff (laziness)

i like the lighting in this one, i have those hue lights that you can set to fun colours but in the raw footage it like. didn't really show up? the whole thing just looked a solid colour like a purple. so what you see in the video is more of a post-production filter kind of thing lol i did like a coloured vignette, especially with the second part bc i wanted that bisexual look but it was just all purple it wasnt vibes

this is also where i started filming in 60fps!! i still think this one looks really good and that's probably why. before i was filming in 4k 30fps and exporting at 1080p but i filmed this one in 1080p 60fps, and it does mean it's kind of blurrier when i zoom in on stuff but like it's a pretty reasonable trade off i think. still filming on my phone which is honestly crazy. i kinda miss those days bc the camera i have now gives me such a headache but my phone camera is BROKE and i need to go to the apple store and im too lazy so no camera for me

random but the little editing segments i put in were filmed after my wedding so i have my hair all dyed and my nails done hehe. easter egg

the deepest dive into harvey from stardew valley

omg the way this video blew up was nuts. i had no idea harvey was like trending on tiktok bc of the hozier song 😭 my tiktok algorithm hasn't picked up on my stardew fixation which is a blessing bc every other aspect of my life is just stardew, it's nice to have a break

i really like this one but it's probably the one video i would redo if i could. number one i was way off with the colours. i promise it looked soooo good on my monitor but it's something about the codec or smth idk but it came out either super bright or super green so hate that for me. i stopped using HDR after this video lol. secondly bc my face is so shiny i find it so distracting!!!

thirdly most importantly bc of the 2 heart scene. it's hard bc no matter how many times i say 'this is my personal opinion as a player' or 'this is my player hat' some people don't take it that way. and that's fine! that's fine bc if you have an opinion i wanna hear it. but yano i wish i'd presented more of a counter argument, both sides of it. i did kinda revisit the subject in the penny video but that's a whole different video. although tbf that one has more views so i guess more people saw my revised opinion. i genuienly had an equal amount of people saying 'thank you for bringing that up i hate how george is treated' and 'well sometimes that's just necessary and for the best'. and i think the lesson i learned there that i brought into the penny vid was that for these like, sensitive or controversial scenes, i can't just present my opinion and assume people will get all the nuances. with the penny 2h scene i took HALF AN HOUR (to the point where someone commented that i was beating a dead horse lmao) meticulously crafting an argument and to be fair i still missed some stuff but i think that's a lot easier to engage in good faith with than me being like 'i hate this scene', even if i do make clear that it's just my opinion.

anyway i love harvey. he still doesn't make me feel the shane feelings lol but i have read some harvey fic and i loooooooooooove how people write him, like u go in the mines and he's so like protective of u and he's bandaging u up and his hands are shaking bc he's like traumatised or something and then u have to take care of him back ... like... that's some literature right there omg

the deepest dive into haley from stardew valley

haley my beautiful queeeeeeeeen (FOR GIRLS ONLY)

i love the thing about how alex is for the boys and haley is for the girls. she's my wife ok? we're in love!!!!!

it's so interesting to compare the 3 'rude' characters - haley, seb, and shane. i saw a lot of discourse on the subreddit of like 'it's such a double standard that people hate haley and love shane'. and like. yeah. thats a valid point. but to be fair it's quite a different vibe of rude. i think with these characters being as un-fleshed-out as they are, with so much room for projection, there's more room for someone to associate haley with someone they've known irl and hate her bc of that. and that's so valid tbh. but my goal with this video was to change hearts and minds about haley and i SUCCEEDED bc i got/get so many comments from people that i changed their mind 😭 fuck yes my mean sapphic wife redemption.

i feel like it's partly the thing of like you get assumed to be mean when you're pretty, like my sister (you saw her in the penny vid, shes objectively beautiful i will take no comments on this) says this happens to her like people say 'omg i assumed u were gonna be so mean!' and it's like no she just has strong cheekbones lol. personally i feel like haley is more comparable to sebastian than shane - vaguely insults u. not interested in u. doesn't see what you have to offer them. omg imagine goth haley 😳

when i filmed this video i had 600 subscribers and i remember thinking that that was an absolutely mindblowing number. it took me a while to get comfy when filming it because like at least 600 people were going to be seeing it? definitely? what the hell? (and now the vid has 80k views 😭)

i think this is the point where i kind of adopted the attitude i have now of like - whatever. don't think about it lol. it'll be fine. and it was fine, and it IS fine! one of the reasons making these videos has helped my confidence so much is that i would do a line read while filming and be like no that was bad let me do it again. so i'd do it again and when i was editing i would be like wait that first one was fine wtf. like i learned through brute force that my standards for myself were too high and i was doing fine. so that has helped me a lot. eg at my wedding my partner and i did a joint speech and people told me i seemed really comfortable, and i credit that to these videos bc like - just relax. just say it like you would normally say it and that will be good enough :)

this was also right after i crashed my car into a wall LOL i was trying to reverse up a steep driveway at speed but i did too much speed. oh well that's the only time i've crashed in 6 years and there were 0 casualties so that's pretty good going imo

the deepest dive into emily from stardew valley

good morning binchies!

this video made me start wearing red more cos i still get comments telling me i look good in red lol. i literally only owned this dress and also the elliott outfit, didnt think it was a strong colour for me! i guess cos i spent years thinking i had a pink undertone but i actually have a yellow undertone. or some bullshit like that

i was thinking about this last night as this video was uploading, when i watch this one back i feel like i'm wearing too much make up, like it's giving clown you know? then i started thinking about it and realised i really rarely do like a strong lip and a strong eye at the same time, basically never, my general rule is one or the other. then i started thinking about if i apply that same rule to other people and i dont, i think people look cool with bold looks, so i guess it's just another arbitrary condition i've applied to myself and no one else!

this isn't really to do with the video LOL but when i put on the red lipstick to film it i took half of it off to make it less bold, that photo of amy schumer haunts me (x) cos when that was a meme i was like... i look like that :( and i was like 16 so it taught me like ok pink. just do pink. but now that insecurity has kind of faded and i bought some fun lipsticks like in the sam and linus vids :) this is also the first time i wore something less covering to do the video like showed my arms and shoulders cos i was always insecure about my shoulders too. it's such a nice feeling to get older and care less and less about things like that

anyway i love emily. still need to do that stardew 1.0 video!!

sebastian thoughts

help me

(sorry for double post i messed up the first time HEHE)

the deepest dive into elliott from stardew valley

omg the amount that my opinion changed on elliott is actually insane

he was my least favourite purely bc of the way he orders u wine. i didnt know about the way alex orders u salad :/// (allegedly) cos i would always play as a girl but the elliott thing made me MAD

but there's so much random stuff like that in stardew ... like im working on the sebastian video and i just found that he also has a line where it's one thing if you're a girl and another thing if you're a boy. if you're a girl he says he likes your hair, if you're a boy he says he likes your boots. like cmon eric!!! keep it the same!!! you coward!!!

so in a broader context elliott doesnt look so bad lol. plus the comments ive got on that video are so good like the comparison to the 'bodice ripper' novels?? we love. and so many people saying they love how unapologetically himself he is and u know what? me too. a lot of people also think he's autistic and like omg yes agree

i really liked the idea about the 4h scene that some people posed, that he was playing this character and thought it would be the 'gentlemanly' thing to do to order the wine for you, but he just kinda overshot. to be fair some women commented that they liked it! they thought it was chivalrous! i ... did not, but that is ok. i give elliott the benefit of the doubt these days, that little fop contains multitudes

in a behind the scenes sense this was the video that really made my channel like 'blow up' to a degree - like it got over 1k views in the first day which for a channel with 3 videos was a LOT, and it made people go back and watch the other 2 videos! it's funny how that works with youtube - people would comment on the other 2 'i found you from the elliott video', and then with the harvey video i had the same thing, and with the penny video that happens a LOT cos that one just kinda fucking took off it's at like 160k views 😭 i've seen other youtubers refer to it as a video breaking 'containment' and being shown to more people. i remember writing a diary entry after putting out this vid bc it was the same day that my best friend told me she was pregnant and i had my wedding dress fitting, just writing like, i am so happy :'''')

at this point i was still really trying to keep my expectations low. like i started making these videos with my expectations in hell bc i have a habit of setting them high and being disappointed. i was just making them cos i wanted to not cos i wanted to make money or be a youtuber (though those were things i wanted obviously but i was trying as hard as i could to do it for the enjoyment)

like i say in the video, it's hard when a monetary incentive comes into a passion project. it can kind of throw everything off. i try hard not to let that affect me still - eg i still swear a LOT in my videos haha just cos i do irl, to try and edit myself wouldnt feel genuine. like there's the tiktok thing of "unalive" and things like that - i did refer to domestic violence as DV in the most recent video but i put a lot of thought into that and it's the first time i've kind of deliberately censored anything (ultimately i decided that people would know what i meant and it was such a brief mention that it wasnt worth worrying about for too long). there really arent any guidelines on what will demonetise you, youtube has some but they're so vague. eg yesterday it told me the sam and maru videos would have limited ads despite those videos being up for over a month - i requested a review and now they're both back to normal with no idea why that happened. i've heard youtubers talk about this kind of thing before but man when it's happening to you it's nuts, they literally give you nothing, no info, and you're sitting there worrying about how it's gonna affect things

anyway since it's so opaque i figure you may as well ask for forgiveness not permission. a lot of youtube videos i see, they censor swear words - i havent done that once and my videos are all monetised fine (for now lol) so i figure until they tell me off imma just keep doing what im doing

(also funny sidenote youtube does tell you don't swear in the first 7 seconds of the video - i say 'fuck yeah' at 10 seconds into this one LOL)

ok that was a long one!!!! this is fun like reminiscing on where i was when i put each of these out. especially as we get into the colder months. i do worry that the happiness i have found over the last 6 months or so actually isn't from the incredibly fulfilling job i now have but from the sun lmao, so its nice to remind myself of how far i've come! plus i bought a SAD lamp and some vitamin d ;p

ps the flowers in the vid were from valentines day :) i bought them for my husband i buy him flowers every year cos fucc da patriarchy

the deepest dive into abigail from stardew valley

wheeee sorry this one doesnt have captions still :( when i have free time i will go back and do the ones without but free time who is she?

i filmed this one before i uploaded the alex video so i was still in the mindset of 'this isnt real no one will see this'. so i didnt wash my hair. but then it looked bad so i spent half an hour plaiting it lol

i wanted to wear the cardigan i change into from the start of the video but fun fact i made it out of merino wool (idk what it is but it's like a super soft non scratchy version of wool) and so its SUPER HEAVY so i barely wear it haha its basically a winter jacket, so i was too hot to wear it from the start of the video but then i decided it was worth it bc of how cute it is

abigail was a really hard one to do 2nd because like ?? idk ?? i still just feel like i cant get a good grasp on her. i feel like i did an ok job, i get a lot of people agreeing with me in the comments. it seems like people really love abigail but i havent heard like a good impassioned defence of her as a love interest, it seems like people mostly like her as friend vibes (though i have an abigail x haley fanfic im planning on reading so maybe that will help me see the romantic appeal lol).

STILL TO THIS DAY i constantly get comments of people telling me that in the US they call it homework in college. cos i said, the fact that she calls it homework gives high school vibes not college vibes. i get people commenting like "wtf else would you call it" but in the UK everyone just calls it uni work or coursework or something. homework implies specifically like a worksheet or a task the teacher gives you that you have to bring back and hand in. im pretty sure we wouldnt even call our coursework at high school/sixth form 'homework'. anyway ive had that comment literally maybe 50 times hahaha but im not about to tell people to stop like gimme that engagement i guess

the deepest dive into alex from stardew valley

for ur consideration: alex video ad free

maybe i can write a little somethin somethin about the videos in the descriptions huh? ok here we go!! this one brings me pain to watch back haha tbh all of them do except for like the most recent 2 at any given time. u know like how you write something and then you wait a year and you read it and you get a full body cringe. im sure it happens with art too but i cant draw

but yeah since this is the FIRST video i ever made im like who IS that. i remember recording it thinking 'oh well i'll just pretend like no one will ever see this cos probably no one will' because i have given up on stuff so so so often in the past so didnt think i would even finish it let alone upload it. and also i didn't think anyone would see it even if i did post it. so that kind of helped me trick myself into being more comfortable on camera haha cos it was like i was just alone. the emily video is the first time i was like 'someone will see this' and the haley video i had like 600 subs and i was like 'omg' as i was filming it but by then i had kind of accidentally become more comfortable on camera. life hack

anyway i watch this back now and it makes me feel weird but also proud!!! omg she had no idea!!!! it's kind of nostalgic even though it was 8ish months ago. i was a whole different person. i mean i wasn't because i remember giggling downloading fart sound effects. but i was bc im happier now. :)

p.s. i will be uploading these at roughly one a day because my internet is SO BAD that i have to do it overnight :) :) :) hopefully moving soon to a place NOT in the middle of nowhere

update/shitpost

i have the squeakiest desk chair in the world and also you CAN upload videos directly to patreon as of like. today. so i'll do that lol

LINUS BLOOPERS

hiiiiii thank you for being here very cool move of you very classy i like it. here is my first patreon post omg uwu!

still on holiday so things may take a little while to ~get moving~ but i appreciate and love u so much <3 xxxx